Hello there ladies & gentlemen! An album has come out recently that I plan on reviewing soon but, until I get my arse in gear, here's something I wrote over a year ago about HMV. It's, uhhhhh...rather critical. Enjoy!
Not too long ago, it was announced that many HMV stores around the UK would be shutting down. For those unaware of HMV, they're kind of like media department stores depending on their size in the area they're located. Bigger HMVs will have multiple floors, selling clothing as well as their usual stock but most HMVs will be average sized and have CDs, DVDs, video games and other random pieces of entertainment ranging from iPod accessories to books. For years, I've continuously supported my local HMV despite feeling as though the employees know about as much as music as I do about the employees of the HMV.
I've stated before that the people in my area have barely any fucking knowledge about Rock music and though they may be wise beyond their years in the field of Clubbing Anthems and Wank Pop, less than 2% probably know the difference between Hard Rock and Metal, hence the reason why bands such as Queens Of The Stone Age & AFI are under the Metal section in my HMV. There's one bloke who works there that actually seems to know his stuff. I've had great conversations with him about recommended Metal and he's actually informed me about top quality Classic Rock bands...everyone else seems to know total jack about Rock, and that applies to Woking as a whole too.
But I'm not here to have a pop at the employees of my local...fuck it, Woking HMV. I'm not here to criticise how their recommendation sections for 60s Rock have had 70s CDs and how they've recommended live albums by bands who aren't really popular for being amazing live and therefore just picked any album by an old group. I'm here to fully slag off HMV's business model and talk about why they deserve to fully go under as a business. For the record, I hope they don't. They're the only music shop in Woking and if they go, I don't believe I have a reason to go into Woking town centre any more...and I need the exercise that the walk into town does me. I just think they deserve to fail as a result of the following.
Firstly, there's the matter of having employees who don't strike me as experts in their occupation, which is straight away the sign of amateur companies. Hiring people who did D of E Gold over people who can recite entire back catalogues of multiple bands spanning several different genres and decades. I admit that HMV aren't just a music shop and I imagine that the other employees at the Woking branch and other branches probably know their film and video game trivia but I've never walked into an HMV and felt the same level of respect for employees as I do when I enter...I don't know, an Apple store. They're paid to know their shit. HMV pay people to do general work that a moron can and more than likely is doing whilst you're reading this rather harsh hate letter.
Secondly, there's the service. Allow me to tell you about how I tried to order 3 different albums from the HMV Woking store. The albums in question were "Another Perfect Day" - Motorhead, "Rust In Peace" - Megadeth and "The Ritual" - Testament. Hardly piss-weak obscure albums by nobody bands and yet they weren't stocked. I believe the only one that was was "Rust In Peace". One album that came with a bonus live disc but cost a bit extra. Not wanting to pay the extra for content I wasn't arsed about, I decided to order a standard copy.
I placed an order for the Motorhead and Megadeth albums, also learning that the Megadeth album will come with their album "Countdown To Extinction" for the same price. I was happy to pay that because I was actually interested in listening to the other album of different material. They claimed they'd text me when the albums arrive in less than a week. One week later, I've received no text. I pay the guys a visit and learn that one of my albums has arrived, the Motorhead one. Thanks for the text, lads. For the next month, I pop in every now and then to ask about my Megadeth album. I get the same reply. "It's not arrived yet".
They told me it's down to the company delivering the album, which I can respect, but it doesn't make HMV look very professional when they can't deliver a basic service that any other shop and (most importantly) the Internet can. Eventually it arrived and, feeling generous, I ordered another album, the Testament one. Same deal, we'll text you when it gets here. A week later, I pop in and it's arrived. No text again. They did text me about the Megadeth album but since I was literally standing inside the store when I received it, I'm not awarding them any brownie points for that.
As a result, I have no interest in ever ordering anything from HMV ever again. I know I could order it online from their website for a speedy delivery but frankly, why order it from HMV when I could order it from Amazon or eBay or a trusted company? So that's my stance there. They fucked up repeatedly and now I'll only be buying things they have in store. Anything else I may have been tempted to order can wait. Hardly a major victory for myself but take into account the number of people who have already made the transition to buying music online and I'd imagine they need all the customers they can get, so there's no reason for shoddy service.
Thirdly, aside from having pretty lacklustre stock and employees who have no specialist skill set that would make them useful to have in a modern record shop, the people running the show seem to be completely oblivious to modern progressions in music purchasing too. Damn near everyone has iTunes and if they're not pirating tracks, they're paying to download them online. CDs are a dying format and soon record shops will be extinct. What HMV need to do is find a way of integrating the ability to download MP3s into their shop. Imagine if HMV had some kind of bay or plug-in mini-computer system where your iPod would fit and you could browse their entire catalogue to pick and choose songs you wanted.
OH WAIT! They already do! They're just total fuckwits.
In the interest of fairness, I visited HMV Brighton whilst I was in Brighton (best place to be if you want to visit HMV Brighton). Same lyrics, different song. Pretty lame stock selection, mediocre recommendations but what's this? They had little screens on the walls where you could pop on headphones, scan their in-store items and according to the writing on the front of it "Download MP3s"...or at least you could if they fucking worked. I found 2 of these touch-screen mirrors sitting idle and after touching both screens to no result, I decided to leave. I can forgive Woking for not having this technology. I bet it's expensive and if shops are already falling, they can't afford to spend cash on something that people may not even buy into. But HMV Brighton? You guys fucking suck.
You have something that could work! You have something that, with a bit of adjustment, could give people a reason to go into your shops to buy single songs! Plug in your iPod, pay 50p to keep it charged, sign into your iTunes account, browse the library, pay for songs you want, download them straight into your iPod, have playlists based on what's actually playing in the store because the dumbass employees have no pissing clue, offer extra points or whatever it is you do, offer discounts for album purchases, charge their iTunes account and let them get on their way without having to waste time at the front desk.
Hell, you could even order CDs from those touch screen systems! Type in personal details and have it fucking delivered, I don't care just have something! All they have is the equivalent of a half painted bedroom and a sleeping dad lying next to a barely assembled crib. You were nearly there and then you fucked up and couldn't be arsed to carry on. Lazy bastards. Whilst I'm angrily ranting, how about this for a way of making buying CDs from HMV less annoying? Ever seen those CDs with "2 for £10" on them? Ever noticed how the CDs picked for those offers usually make no cocking sense? Here's an idea, how about we sort that out?!
Instead of making Greatest Hits albums with 2 discs and up to 30 tracks "2 for £10" and simultaneously ignoring other albums that have 8 songs and are priced £15, how about a system where you can pick two albums and request a price? Maybe one of those touch screen computer systems could calculate how popular they are, how many tracks they have, how long they've been out and how many more albums they have in stock and get you a reasonable offer? If fucking pizza companies can have a "Find me a great deal" option on their website, how is it that a music and media shop can't? Oh yes, that's why, because they're apparently a bunch of Fucking Amateurs.
So that's my piece. I apologise to HMV employees who may find themselves reading this but you've kind of brought it on yourself. As for people in charge of HMV, I offer no apologies. You're clueless, idiotic fucking clowns who deserve to lose your jobs to someone who actually has a fragment of business sense in their head. Luckily HMV have DVDs and games to fall back on but, by the sounds of it, hard copies of those titles will soon be gone in less than a decade...as I imagine HMV will.
Aaaaaaaaand that's it! Expect a review coming within the next month and (hopefully) it'll be more positive than the last three things I've posted here. Be seeing you!
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