Here Is The News: October 2018 Edition

Some more news for ya, fresh out of the journalistic oven that is my brain!

FLEETWOOD MAC BREWERY PARTY ENDS IN DISASTER

A party organised at a brewery in Germany by 70s Classic Rock band Fleetwood Mac ended on a sour note after the building nearly burnt down with all inebriated attendees trapped inside. Fleetwood Mac organised the party as a celebration of both their new tour and the settling of petty issues that arose during the new tour. The brewery party was supposed to be light-hearted and fun with plenty of drinks to go around but arguments between band members created a chain reaction of events that nearly burnt everyone alive.

The evening started off with everyone in high spirits, sharing drinks and happy memories of previous Fleetwood Mac concerts. Members of the band joined in on the fun but after a few drinks, Lindsay Buckingham caused a stir by insisting that he could balance an egg on his forehead without it dropping off. According to eye witnesses, John McVie warned him against it and some members of the band's management tried to talk him out of it but Lindsay was quick to angrily shoot them down, adamant that he could demonstrate his incredible balancing skills with a raw egg he happened to have with him in his jacket pocket.

After approximately two seconds of balancing the egg, Lindsay dropped it on the ground next to him. The splattered egg would've been bad enough but matters soon became worse when a member of staff at the brewery slipped up on the splattered yolk, sending him skidding into a gigantic barrel of beer propped up by the north wall. After colliding with the barrel at high speed, the barrel dislodged and dropped down onto the floor, creating several cracks in the body as it rolled through the brewery, panicking everybody who wasn't inebriated enough to notice what was happening.

If things weren't already going poorly, the barrel very nearly crushed Stevie Nicks (pictured right with the band) although thankfully, one of her managers pushed her out of the way before it could do any serious harm. Unfortunately, before this could happen, the sight of a colossal cask heading towards her made her drop the El 'Bacco Grande cigar she was smoking in shock and the trail of beer leaking out of the cracks in the barrel soon came in contact with the lit end of her Cuban stogy. The ignition spread rapidly along the trail of alcohol and into the barrel of high percentage beer, causing it to explode before it came in contact with the wall of the brewery.

Fortunately, nobody at the party was killed although many attendees suffered serious burns, stress-induced trauma and splitting hangovers the next day. Members of Fleetwood Mac have since apologised for the incidents that took place, although Lindsay Buckingham refuses to back down after defending his actions that night. When asked for comment on his behaviour and part in the downfall of the casual piss-up, he replied "I don't care what anyone from that band of wankers says, I KNOW I've lasted longer than twelve seconds before dropping the egg!".

DAVID BOWIE WON'T STOP RELEASING ALBUMS

Despite being dead for over two years now, David Bowie is still releasing a series of albums seemingly from beyond the grave. This mystery has boggled experts in the fields of science and the supernatural as both have verified that David Bowie is very much dead and yet continues to release live albums, compilations and box sets. This was first discovered in 2016 when a compilation of early Bowie material appeared next to a statue of him in Aylesbury, although it wasn't until these compilations and live albums kept appearing that people believed something strange was going on.

The statue (pictured left) has become a sight where people gather to witness miracles instead of just another receptacle for graffiti and tramp piss. Fans have travelled from across the globe to await the new music from deceased cultural icon, although the music only appears when people aren't looking. According to a record producer at Columbia, the new albums are "clearly a sign that (David) wants us to not only keep listening to his music for many years to come but to also keep buying his music too. The man must be working extraordinarily hard to produce such fine work from a different mortal plain and frankly, the least we could do is shell out for the deluxe edition of his new Lazarus re-reissue that may or may not appear at the statue next month".

The new albums are expected to keep mysteriously arriving well into 2020, according to Sony Music executive and part-time travelling psychic "Mystic" Murv Washington: "Whilst I cannot communicate directly with Mr. Bowie, I can sense his aura is telling us to keep copying and releasing everything he ever recorded for another two years or so. David was very much a fan of selling himself out to the record industry too so it feels good to know that when we distribute EPs of lesser material he never intended for any of you to hear, we're doing what he would've wanted...at least that's what I tell myself before bed every night to make it easier to sleep".

Bowie's new music has inspired millions of people all over the world already but his deceased actions continue to inspire one famous musician. Queens Of The Stone Age frontman Josh Homme (pronounced Hommey, apparently) has currently put himself into a medically induced coma in an attempt to release music from a state of near physical and mental death, once again proving to the world that he's a serious artist who is also so ahead of his time. Friends of Josh tried to talk him out of it but according to Dave Grohl, he was certain that he had to do it if he ever wanted to "escape this pitiful genre that is Rock into something only the sophisticated can truly relish". Unfortunately for the newly brain-dead musician, none of his efforts have been fruitful as the only releases the vegetated rocker has produced are runny bowel movements and a reissue of Era Vulgaris which was promptly flushed away with the rest of his shit.

Whilst the Them Crooked Vultures vocalist may not return from the self-inflicted state between life and death, one thing's for certain: David Bowie is gone...although his music remains. Naturally, some fans have voiced scepticism over the nature of the new album releases or whether he actually passed away at all (he did, there's no doubt about it) but at the end of the day, Bowie's music will always be remembered so long as it was recorded between 1969 and 1977.

PORTAL OF CORRUPTION GETS BIGGER EVERY DAY

A gigantic, pulsating wormhole that appeared during a Wolfmother concert in California and corrupts the minds of anyone who comes within several feet of it continues to expand and devour parts of the stage it appeared on. The tear in the fabric of reality, dubbed the Portal Of Corruption by a local newspaper after an online competition to name it resulted in "Porty McPortface" coming first, appears to have an effect on all lifeforms as those who too close soon commit unspeakable acts of horror that go against everything they previously stood for.

Wolfmother are currently touring America with new and old material and a setlist that features such hits as "Victorious", "Woman", "New Day Rising" and "Joker And The Thief". However, during their (currently) last show, the band were halfway through "Dimension" when the Portal Of Corruption opened up on stage, engulfing the bassist and a couple of amps. According to multiple sources, it took fans almost three entire minutes to realise that it wasn't actually part of the show.

When asked for comment on the appearance of the rift that may or may not lead to what we as a species perceive as Hell, frontman Andrew Stockdale (who was the closest to the portal when it opened on stage) was unavailable for comment as he was too busy viciously assaulting and forcibly fornicating with fans unfortunate enough to be in the front row. Wolfmother's manager has issued a statement on the band's website claiming "This behaviour is unacceptable, whether your mind has been contaminated by a Lovecraftian void or not, and Andrew is very sorry for disappointing his fans".

The Portal Of Corruption hasn't only tainted Andrew Stockdale (pictured right) and the rest of the band, who have sadly been shot dead after they attempted to skin and eat various roadies. Multiple fans who were too close to the portal and scientists wishing to examine the gateway have also fallen under its spell, becoming driven to enact atrocities that would make even the most desensitised soul shiver. One fan stated that they would "probably go see Wolfmother play live again" before they too were promptly put down by government agents fearing for the safety of the general populace.

Some fans and musicians have even started travelling to the portal, praying to it in the belief that offering undying allegiance will spare their lives when this inevitably kickstarts the apocalypse. One such musician was guitarist Ted Nugent. He approached the gateway in an attempt to bargain with it but to no avail, although since then he has gone on to start four different charities for impoverished children and donate all of his wealth to the needy. It's unclear why the portal keeps slowly increasing in size but when asked about how the country intends to deal with this ever-growing mass of corruption and pure evil that will soon become the entire planet's concern, most Americans responded with "it'll probably just go away if we don't talk about it".

Happy Halloween, folks!