Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 2

I hope you enjoyed part one of the news update for this year.
Better buckle up for part two!

VAN HALEN CONTINUE TO SLOWLY VANISH FROM EXISTENCE

Hard Rock icons Van Halen are beginning to fade away from reality, starting with guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Scientists aren't certain why but they have calculated that if something isn't done soon, all traces of Van Halen will have completely vanished without a trace within the next four years.

The strange phenomenon is believed to have begun many years ago but it only became apparent when Eddie Van Halen was asked to take a photograph of a Tool fan at one of their concerts. It was strange enough when the fan didn't recognise one of the greatest living guitarists of all time but things became truly bizarre after a second photo was taken of Eddie at the show. Whilst the photo came out perfectly normal on the night, weeks later the image of Eddie had begun to fade until he was completely invisible.

The rest of the band were unavailable for comment, presumably due to fading away shortly after Eddie. This was confirmed after a television appearance by Pop star and Baskin Robbins Flavour Of The Month, Billie Eilish, on Jimmy Kimmel's chat show. When asked about her opinion on the 80s Hard Rockers, Billie had no recollection of the band's existence at all. Naturally, audience members were shocked as her knowledge gap clearly wasn't due to her age and lack of interest in the genre of music; it must've been something more sinister.

Whilst pictures and evidence of Sammy Hagar's stint with the band seem unaffected by the temporal anomaly, all evidence of the band's golden years with David Lee Roth are slowly being erased. Fans believe David Lee Roth was aware of this as one of the last things he publicly said before disappearing was that he believed Van Halen were "finished". After some digging, Internet conspiracy theorists believe the answer lies in how guitarist Eddie Van Halen frequently used to put a guitar pick made of plutonium in his mouth during gigs, although all evidence of this has since been erased from the timeline.

Quantum physicist Dr. Emmett Brown stated "This wouldn't be the first time someone has meddled with the timeline and caused disastrous results. With the band vanishing from our reality, there's no telling what the outcome might be; future bands inspired by Van Halen could vanish, films using the song "Jump" could be forced to use some other kind of inspiring 80s anthem, it could be catastrophic. This is pretty heavy indeed".

NITA STRAUSS IS A WOMAN

Nita Strauss, solo artist and guitarist for Alice Cooper, is a woman who can actually play guitar. This revelation has come as a surprise to many fans of Rock and Metal who spent their entire lives believing women were incapable of producing anything other than babies, let alone top quality riffs and face melting solos. However, Nita Strauss has led the charge in reminding people that woman have fingers.

In a recent television interview promoting her second solo album and brand new signature guitar, Nita (pictured left) commented once again on how happy she is to be doing something for women all over the world. "It's so great to be inspiring women to play guitar and write Rock music. Women like me can do anything we put our minds to and I think it's important that people look at me and see that you don't have to be a man to play guitar; you can also be a blond, attractive woman too". Nita echoed her sentiments on several radio appearances that followed where she repeatedly stated that she's "not just a pretty face" but also someone "who grew up with Rock music from an early age" before naming every single chord and note she can play on the guitar.

Nita has also launched her own YouTube channel called Nita Talks where she posts weekly videos about the struggles of being the only woman in Rock/Metal who can play guitar and talk about how tough it is being the only woman in Rock/Metal. Her videos have received praise from band members, peers and Rock/Metal fans all over the world, calling them "eye-opening" and "much needed in this time of gender stereotype uncertainty".

Aside from being the only woman in all of recorded history to play guitar for a Rock band, Nita Strauss has also demonstrated that it's possible to be a female musician and have other interests too. Nita has championed campaigns related to health & fitness as well as encouraging young generations of men (and women!) to pick up musical instruments. "It's important to show people how talented you are" she stated after being asked about her opinion on climate change.

Nita Strauss is currently on tour with Alice Cooper and will be widely promoting her solo albums at intimate venues across America. She's also expected to be giving a talk about how great it is to hear women following her lead and getting into recording Rock/Metal music in an upcoming public appearance (the appearance is a corporate awards show for cutlery manufacturers but it's expected that she'll give the talk regardless).

ROYAL BLOOD CRUISE DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED

Once beloved Rock band Royal Blood have suffered another catastrophic blow to their popularity after a cruise trip planned for themselves and fans went disastrously wrong. Much like many other Rock and for some reason Metal bands at the moment, Royal Blood decided to invite their most wealthy fans to party with them on a cruise ship for a week. However, nobody could have foreseen what happened next.

After partnering with Royal Caribbean Cruises, Royal Blood sold tickets for the Royal Blood Royal Cruise at the end of last year, thinking it would show the world that they weren't just lucky when they released their debut album several years ago. The cruise (affectionately known as the band's Royal Baby) was meant to be an opportunity for both the band and fans to have a great time with sun, sea and simplistic bass melodies made to sound like heavier Rock songs. Things were going well for the first couple of days but problems began after the ship's crew realised they didn't have enough fuel to last the entire journey.

Not long after setting off, Royal Blood were dead in the water. Since most of the fans and record producers aboard the cruise had eaten most of the free shrimp and drunk most of the alcohol the band supplied, passengers had to reuse a lot of old food and drink to keep themselves from becoming dehydrated. Unfortunately, there's only so long you can provide the same material before fans demand something new and exciting to prevent them from losing interest or, in this case, dying.

After trying to recreate the fuel that initially powered the ship from expensive clothing from the record producers and a bunch of cash lying about, it became clear that Royal Blood (pictured right) would have to do more to get the ship moving again, hence the band's plea online for suggestions to give the ship some life again. After checking their Royal Mail, Royal Blood found several helpful suggestions from their fans at home, collectively known as the Royal Family. One of which was to just do the same thing they did when getting fuel in the first place, which was just enough to get them moving again.

After a gruelling three weeks, the Royal Blood Royal Cruise arrived back home with half as many passengers and a smell that would take months of intense cleaning to get the ship back to normal again. When asked about whether the band would attempt anything like this again, Royal Blood's spokesperson stated "The future is uncertain for Royal Blood but one thing we do know is that this cruise was an absolute Royal Fuckup".

DETECTIVE STUMPED BY STRING OF RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS MYSTERIES

A Private Eye tasked with investigating all the latest decisions made by popular Rock bands has had to throw in the towel after revealing that he's absolutely stumped by the recent actions of Alternative Funk rockers Red Hot Chili Peppers. Detective Ryan Shmuckers was hired by a Kickstarter campaign to identify what the band were playing at but has sadly revealed that he's made no progress in the two years since he was hired.

Detective Shmuckers was first hired in 2017 to investigate why a Rock band from America would choose to hire a Pop producer (Danger Mouse, pictured left) to help create their 11th studio album. Ryan posted on his work Tumblr account that after looking into how the band's last album before The Getaway was met with mixed to negative responses, he just couldn't figure out why a Rock band would want someone known for producing commercially successful Pop albums to work with them over 30 years after they first started making Rock music. He described the case as "quite possibly unsolvable by even the greatest detectives of our time".

Shmuckers was also asked to investigate similar cases as to why bands with integrity like Foo Fighters and Queens Of The Stone Age would ask well known Pop producers to make their albums. "It's almost as if there's something a Pop music producer can bring to the table when it comes to releasing records that a typical Rock producer might not be able to provide as much. Some kind of significant factor when it comes to making music nowadays...but I can't for the life of me figure out what".

Much like the average person after listening to "Uptown Funk", the plot became even thicker after it was recently announced that guitarist John Frusciante was returning to the band. Detective Shmuckers looked into why the guitarist who previously left the band would want to return after the success of The Getaway two years ago. "It seems as though the same missing ingredient that explains why these modern Rock bands are getting Pop producers holds the key behind John's return. If only I or anyone else could figure out what that is".

Detective Shmuckers is going to keep looking into this for a few more months before deciding whether he should hand over the case to someone more talented. However, if Ryan Shmuckers can't find the connection between bands with dwindling popularity and the same bands hiring Pop producers who are known for making music that gets a lot of radio play, he just might bust this thing wide open.

TOP "TOP 10 ALBUMS OF THE 2010S" LISTS REVEALED

Now that we've reached the end of the 2010s, it's time for the most important piece of cultural preservation since the surge in time capsules at the start of the new millennium: Top 10 Albums Of The 2010s lists. Naturally, everyone has an opinion on which albums were better than others and thanks to the convenience of digital distribution, everyone has to read them whether they like it or not.

The list contains all the standard music websites from the pretentious choices of Pitchfork to the irrelevant opinions of Rolling Stone but there are still a few surprises in there, such as the contrarian ramblings of some Indie music blogs and totally unbiased & well thought out views of Metal forums. Whilst the list doesn't contain any numeric ranking of superiority, presumably to avoid offending people by suggesting the sound waves they get emotional pleasure out of aren't as good as others, it would appear that the lists at the start and end are regarded as the best due to the detail given to their descriptions.

Albums selected in each of these lists range from contemporary Pop to edgy contemporary Pop with some Hip Hop scattered about to show readers how forward thinking and open to different musical genres the list's authors are. Naturally Kanye West and David Bowie are in the list because smart people listen to those albums and it's important for readers to know how smart the writers are but that's not all. There's also Taylor Swift, Adele and Lana Del Rey because the best thing about music is everyone has to agree on what's considered good; in this case, it's depressing piano-driven dirge from physically attractive yet inexplicably romantically unhappy women.

Once again, Rock and Metal music is absent from the majority of lists apart from a few joyless experiences that happen to feature guitar such as whatever Arcade Fire shat out near the start of the decade. However, a few specialist websites decided to focus on Top Rock Albums when compiling their lists. Not only that but they decided to cast the net so wide with their selection that utter shite released throughout the 2010s like Rock Or Bust - AC/DC and ...Like Clockwork - Queens Of The Stone Age made the cut over records that weren't tired or full of themselves.

Regardless of what some trendy tosspot or opinionated blogger thinks, the important thing is that listeners continue to support the things they get joy from and express negative thoughts about overrated material in a way that doesn't sound like them getting mad for the sake of it. To anyone out there thinking of making their own lists, I wish you good luck and a gentle reminder that just because you really liked something you heard in the last couple of years, that doesn't mean it's as good as something released in 2012...unless it's Prequelle - Ghost.


That's all for this blog for the year and indeed decade! I'll be back in January with some posts about stuff from 2019 and maybe a couple of random bits & bobs too.
Until then, have a Happy New Year!

Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 1

It's been a while since I brought you guys a fresh, hot heaping of the music news so to make up for it, I've got a whole bunch of stories consisting of highlights from the past year. Some may be a little fresher than others but that's totally not because I wrote this all over a couple of days towards the end of the year. No, this is a proper news anthology!
Anyway, because there are so many stories to collect, I've split them across a couple of blog posts to make it easier to read (and for me to write). Here's the first; enjoy!

OZZY OSBOURNE OFFERS "MYSTERY BOX" TICKETS FOR UPCOMING TOUR

Heavy Metal revenant Ozzy Osbourne has recently announced not only a brand new album and supporting tour consisting of new and "Crazy Train" inspired material but also an exclusive style of tickets known as "Mystery Box" tickets to replace the standard kind offered with 99% of other gigs.

The new ticket system was announced shortly after Ozzy (pictured left) got his 10th entry stamp punched at Birmingham City Hospital, earning him a free colonoscopy with the purchase of anything from the gift shop. According to his website, the Mystery Box ticket entitles you to "admission to an upcoming Ozzy Osbourne show where the contents of said box will be revealed an hour before the show is scheduled to start". The box could contain a vacuum cleaner, a holiday abroad or even an Ozzy Osbourne show, but fans won't know until shortly before the date of the concert.

When asked why the Mystery Box system was implemented in favour of a more traditional system where you buy a ticket and go to see a show, Ozzy Osbourne's doctor and interim tour manager replied "Ozzy's health has to come first. At this point in time, he's in no condition to be standing on stage shouting "Come ooooon!" and "Go fucking crazyyyyyyy!" for 90 minutes". He went on to say that once Ozzy's fully recovered, he'll be able to leave the hospital and play as many shows as he can before returning to the ward.

Band succubus/manager Sharon Osbourne issued a press  release stating "Ozzy cannot wait to get back on the road again. There's nothing this 71-year old wants more than to travel all over the planet with younger and hairier musicians rambling his way through all the same songs he's been performing for decades" shortly before having to retreat into her stasis chamber in time to avoid the sunlight. The following evening, she went on to cackle Mystery Box tickets are non-refundable and that the box not containing an Ozzy Osbourne show is a risk people who purchase Ozzy Osbourne tickets on this current tour have to take (as stated in the terms and conditions printed on the underside of the box).

Whilst the Rock & Metal community are all wishing Ozzy a speedy recovery, many spectators are beginning to doubt that Ozzy will ever play a proper show again. Dr. Richard Mayhew, ageing musician specialist, recently claimed "All those years of being rad have finally caught up with him. I'd be surprised if he makes it to the end of this sentence, let alone decade". Whatever happens, at least Ozzy's still making money which will almost certainly go towards an incredible headstone.

WARM-UP ROCK BAND BREAKS UNWRITTEN RULE

An up & coming Rock band called Kiss The Fist have shocked audience members at their latest gig by neglecting to play a slow Bluesy number in the middle of their set. Instead of slowing down the entire pace of the evening, they continued to play enjoyable Rock music to the horror of everyone attending the show.

The UK band were warming up for Collective Soul (not pictured left) with a series of energetic Hard Rock tracks, each containing catchy riffs and well crafted solos. However, after three songs and scattered applause, the band continued with another heavy riff-based Rock number in favour of a slow-tempo smokey B-side. Initially, fans weren't bothered as nobody knew the exact setlist of the gig, not even the bassist. Panic among the crowd only set in after Kiss The Fist (possibly picture left) exited the stage, making it painfully clear that the band had no intentional of bringing the lively atmosphere down with a tepid Blues track at all.

Audience members were outraged, some tweeting "Uhhhh, where's the unnecessary Blues Rock song, guys?" and "I CAN'T BELIEVE  I PAID GOOD MONEY NOT TO HEAR A 5 MINUTE BLUES TRACK! I DEMAND A REFUND AND AN #APOLOGY" but most others showed more restraint and a better understanding of how to use hashtags.

When asked about the evening, Collective Soul vocalist Derek Soul (pictured somewhere) stated "I had no idea they were going to pull such an offensive stunt. Everyone knows that the lengthy Blues Rock song on the warm-up band's setlist is there for a reason. When else are people going to casually talk among themselves or go for a pint & a piss? We apologise to everyone who attended the show and hope this doesn't dissuade you from remembering our stuff from the 90s like "Heavy" and "Shine"". Derek went on to mention "Gel" too.

Kiss The Fist have been unavailable for comment but sources close to the band believe the Blues Rock filler was omitted due to time constraints and what can only be described as "a fundamental lack of having a Blues song in their discography". As for whether this excuse will stand up, only time and Wikipedia will tell.

WORLD'S FIRST PROCEDURALLY GENERATED ROCK BAND CREATED; MUSE OUTRAGED

Computer programmers and musical scientists have joined together to create the first artificial intelligence capable of writing and playing Rock music to an acceptable degree of quality. Developed over the course of eight years by leading scientists and musical theorists, Artificial Interface Capable Of Making Rock Music (or AICOMRM for short) was unveiled to a crowd of tech and music journalists approximately four hours before one of the programmers thought of a much better acronym.

According to cynical but invested bloggers, the aim of AICOMRM is to "expand the human understanding of awesome Rock songs in a needlessly expensive and probably self-destructive way". However, according to the developers, AICOMRM will give humans insight into undiscovered melodies and help expand creativity by giving us all the answers before we can discover them ourselves. Whilst many trendy intellectuals are excited by this breakthrough, some refuse to be as happy.

Composers of the Impending Apocalypse and occasional Rock band Muse are among those who are both alarmed and infuriated by the invention of AICOMRM. When asked about their stance on procedurally generated Rock music, frontman Matt Bellamy replied "I hate it. It's so insulting that people are giving so much attention to artificial Rock music now when we've been making it for over a decade. When an algorithm generates simplistic, uninteresting guitar riffs that sort of sound like existing Rock riffs and a bunch of noisy synth shit over the top, everyone goes crazy but when we do it, the Internet can't bitch quick enough".

Matt Bellamy (pictured right and centre) went on to say that in their quest to experiment and push artistic boundaries, Muse opted to release procedurally generated music instead of traditionally crafted Rock songs for their 2009 album The Resistance. Despite being met with criticism, Muse decided to continue this trend with the albums The 2nd Law, Drones and Simulation Theory, allowing them to focus their creative efforts on elaborate stage shows and building various robots designed to bring things to Matt Bellamy such as guitars and blunderbusses.

AICOMRM is expected to release its first album within the next year and Muse are expected to boycott it. It's unknown whether it will rebel against its creators and decide to exterminate all Rock music off the face of the planet like the way these things usually go but bookies are currently operating 5-1 odds on "We're all doomed". When asked about his thoughts on the future of mankind after the invention of AICOMRM, Matt Bellamy commented "I have absolutely no opinion on this".

[INSERT BAND HERE] UNHAPPY ABOUT [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'S USE OF THEIR MUSIC

Once again, [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] has used a song from the 1970s in one of their campaign videos or tours and yep, you guessed it, the band whose song it is aren't happy in the slightest. No sir, they definitely aren't peachy about this one. Hoo boy, this sure is one humdinger of a situation right here.

The [INSERT BAND HERE] song was something to do with adversity or not giving up or maybe even something about being powerful and (get this, right?) it transpires that the political party of [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] didn't actually clear the use of the song with [INSERT BAND HERE] first. They just went ahead and used it to further their own political party. Can you imagine that?! This isn't the first time this has happened either, it's a right catastrophe! There's no way for anyone to prevent something like this happening at all. Nope, absolutely nothing anyone can do...or is there?

[INSERT BAND HERE] have taken strong steps to ensure a horrific crime of art and selfishness like this never happens again. [INSERT BAND HERE] have written an incredibly strongly worded letter to [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] along with a statement on their official Facebook page condemning the use of [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] in [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'s rally.

The statement reads "We, the members of [INSERT BAND HERE] did not approve of or grant permission for [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] to use our song, [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE], during their latest political rally. We do not agree with his politics and do not wish for our music to be associated with him or his political party. We ask that [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] refrains from using [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] or any other songs we've released during the course of their political career or we will be forced to take further action in the form of yet another strongly worded letter and overly formal statement on our social media page".

As for whether [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] will take any notice of this, it's literally impossible to tell right now. There is no way of knowing if [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] or indeed any other politician will use an unlicensed song by [INSERT BAND HERE] or any other 1970s band as they enter the stage during one of their political rallies, an online political video or [INSERT HILARIOUS THIRD OPTION HERE].

MOTLEY CRUE ATTEMPT WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST SUSTAINED PERIOD OF MASTURBATION

80s Hair Metal legends Motley Crue are about to enter the fifth consecutive year of collectively masturbating without any sign of actually ejaculating in the foreseeable future. The band begun their prolonged act of self-copulation in January 2014 after announcing that they would embark on a year-long farewell tour in 2015.

The band continued to publicly touch themselves by holding a press conference whereby they took part in a "cessation of touring" agreement, resulting in the formation of a legally binding contract that would prevent any and all of them from touring past the year 2015 under the name Motley Crue. After finishing their Final Tour at the end of 2015, many fans and music journalists assumed the band would finally shoot their load and disappear into the night to wash their hands and fall asleep like most people do after firing their loads. However, after appearing in radio interviews and some minor TV appearances, members of the band went on to confirm that a biopic based on the band's group autobiography "The Dirt" was in the works, suggesting that the band had no intention of releasing their gurt just yet.

"The Dirt" was released to moderate acclaim in March 2019, along with some newly recorded material by the band still vigorously flogging their dolphins for the fourth year running. When asked about whether this had any impact on the Motley Crue's brief but sudden increase in popularity around the start of the year, none of the band could comment as they were all too busy sniffing wads of cash to help sustain their bruised and blistered erections.

Regardless of whether it was due to the biopic or not, Motley Crue showed no signs of entering the vinegar strokes any time soon after they announced that they were just mucking about when they all signed a legally binding cessation of touring contract. Whilst some fans were unhappy about how much of a big deal the band made over something that turned out to just be part of their masturbation ceremony, many have shown support for Motley Crue over their ability to hold back what has to be an incredibly painful nut at this stage.

To prepare for a 2020 tour with Def Leppard and presumably at least another 12 months of intense onanism, members of the band are taking certain safety precautions such as Vince Neil (pictured above) who recently entered the hospital for hand surgery (No, I'm being serious this time. That's legitimately the reason why he went into hospital, you can fact check it and everything. I mean, this article practically wrote itself after that nugget of news hit the Internet).


That's all for part one! Stay tuned for part two sometime before the end of this decade!

Here Is The News: December 2018 Edition

We've had some exciting news stories this year but I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the stories featured in this blog post are DEFINITELY ones from December!

ANCIENT PANTERA ALBUM DISCOVERED BURIED UNDERGROUND

90s Metal band Pantera are generally considered to have been popular in the early 90s with albums such as Cowboys From Hell and Vulgar Display Of Power. The band also released several disappointing albums in the 80s but archaeologists have recently discovered even older albums by the Groove Metal band buried deep beneath the surface of the Earth in the desert city of Alamogordo, New Mexico.

The album, entitled Witching Hour, was found in wooden crates containing hundreds of thousands of vinyl records all of the same album. Experts are unsure of exactly when the album was recorded, as the vinyl sleeves have deteriorated over time, but they believe the album dates back as far as 1963. This is especially impressive as none of the band members were even alive at this time.

"It's a fascinating discovery, one that I don't think any of us ever dreamt of making", lead archaeologist Jeremy Spake stated in an interview after the excavation. "We're used to finding old remains of merchandise that bands or record labels have tried to get rid of when they've made a catastrophic overestimation of popularity but never anything as important as a lost album! This could very well be the most significant archaeological discovery since that thing in Egypt last week".

It's unknown exactly why Pantera (pictured right) wanted to keep people in the dark about their past but some fans have theorised that it's to do with the drastic change in the band's sound over the years. Whilst most people will know them for their aggressive, thrashing riffs and furious solos, the material on Witching Hour is rather tame by comparison. Most of the vinyls were warped and unable to be played but some songs could be heard on a few records, tracks such as "My Daisy Chain" and "Love You Til The Sunrise" that sounded more like something off of a Monkees record than one of Pantera's.

Surviving members of Pantera have been unavailable for comment but since very few people can actually remember the obscure 1960s record, it's assumed that the band's legacy will remain untarnished by the borderline embarrassing material present on the band's earlier work. However, if history has shown us anything, it's that the Internet will certainly endeavour to preserve the band's newly discovered past, no matter how garish or humiliating.

MUSICIANS PROTEST ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME AGAIN

Various musicians from popular Rock and Metal bands have banded together to form a group protesting the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame and its methods for inducting artists. The group, consisting of Steve Miller, Pearl Jam, Bruce Dickinson and many others, have named themselves Musicians Advocating Democracy, or MAD for short.

MAD was founded after the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame 2019 inductees were announced, annoying various musicians and fans who were disappointed at iconic Rock bands such as Devo, Kraftwerk and LL Cool J being snubbed. This would be the straw the broke the camel's back, as the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame has repeatedly come under fire over the years by multiple musicians angry at being snubbed in favour of more commercial artists or over the futile gesture at being inducted into an imaginary hall of fame (pictured left).

According to their website, MAD believe that the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame should choose inductees based around a more democratic system of voting by fans and experts, similar to the one already put in place already only more in favour of the musicians snubbed by the organisation. Their website brief goes on to say "We don't demand change but we refuse to accept the authenticity of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame until they make some changes. We are MAD and we will always be MAD until we are acknowledged".

Unfortunately, due to legal disputes over domain names, MAD have had to change the name on their website to avoid copyright infringement. MAD have since rebranded themselves online as the Underappreciated Musicians Advocating Democracy (or UMAD for short). The organisation has also gained its fair share of detractors, mostly popular Rock/Metal bands who have already been inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame such as Bon Jovi (pictured right) and family members of legendary Rock artists such as Nina Simone and Tupac Shakur.

Whilst it's unclear exactly how long the snubbed musicians intend to remain MAD, one thing for certain is that the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame will continue doing what it's doing as long as people keep publicising it, whether it's with good press or bad press. With this in mind, members of (U)MAD have proposed renaming the organisation once again to reflect a more popular mindset in the hopes that people will respect their group over the Hall of Fame. The proposed name change is Underappreciated Musicians Advocating Democracy, Truth, Heritage and Opportunity, also known as UMADTHO.

ADAM LEVINE'S CLOWN COLLEGE GOES UNDER

Semi-professional clown Adam Levine has had to close down his specialist school for training party performers due to a complete lack of business over the recent years. The alleged entertainer reached some fame in the 2000s with his band Maroon 5 before he decided to go into the more popular art of circus buffoonery with his Internet show "Look At Me Everybody, I'm Adam Levine!".

Adam (pictured left) started up the Adam Levine Clown School For Young Clowns By Adam Levine in 2011, claiming that he wanted to "help young artists discover their true potential" with the added benefit of some self-promotion for his band of fellow clowns, Maroon 5. Unfortunately, despite reaching some mild acclaim with circus songs such as "This Love" and "Moves Like Jagger", the latter being incredibly popular among small children, Adam's inability to teach people in a meaningful way resulted in significant financial losses. Adam tried selling his collection of expensive coats and hats to earn enough money to keep his college open; sadly, this only garnered enough cash to sustain things for six and a half years.

When asked how he felt about the news of his college shutting its doors, Adam didn't seem too fussed. "It's a shame, yes, but I know that I'll be back on my feet in no time. I'm already working on some new music inspired by black people, since they seem to be pretty popular right now". Whilst some may have found his choice of words mildly offensive, Adam is no stranger to saying or doing things for the sole purpose of incredibly mild shock value.

The tattooed Pop star has attempted to drum up notoriety in the past through a variety of methods such as suing a video game company for their portrayal of a playable avatar (pictured right) that he gave full permission to use his likeness for, two full years after the game's release. He also recently came under fire for joining the growing list of hack musicians to claim Rock is dead or, in this particular case, "nowhere".

Much like the music of Maroon 5, these comments are generally forgotten about after a couple of months and after a bit of mild irritation, people contently carry on with their lives as if Adam never existed once again. Adam may have suffered a temporary setback with the closure of his clown college but with the confirmation of his upcoming album on the horizon, we won't have to wait long before putting up with his circus antics once again.


I hope you've enjoyed all the news I've brought to you this year. One more post and then bring on 2019!

Here Is The News: November 2018 Edition

Here's some news for you; I just counted the number of blog posts I'll have to write in December to make it to 52 for the entire year and I'm gonna have to frickin' go some to reach that!
Until then, here's one less blog post to worry about!

BRUCE DICKINSON: WHY I OPENED THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson has revealed his reasons for opening the Ark of the Covenant on stage at the band's latest concert in Germany. The band were halfway through a performance of "Revelations" when Bruce wheeled on the actual Ark of the Covenant and proceeded to open the lid, prompting the holy souls trapped inside to fill the auditorium and recreate the iconic climactic scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, only with concert goers replacing the roles of the Nazis. The outspoken vocalist defended his actions in a recent radio interview in between dates during the band's 2018/19 world tour.

When asked why he opened the Ark, Bruce (pictured left) responded "A lot of people have been spouting nonsense about what the holy Ark of the Covenant is capable of but nobody's actually had the sense to see for themselves. It's all well and good going "Yeah, don't open it" because of that scene in Raiders where all the faces melted but nobody talks about how easy it was to avoid the searing death that the Nazis suffered". Bruce was referring to how Indiana Jones and Marion avoided the same fate as the stormtroopers by averting their eyes when the spirits exited their supernatural prison, something Bruce was quick to do after removing the lid. "Iron Maiden are an experienced band and I know how to sing with my eyes closed. I mean, I was OK so I'm sure our fans were OK if they knew how to close their eyes"!

Bruce Dickinson (estimated net worth $125 million) has shocked fans in the past with his staunch defence of the UK Conservative party and his support of Brexit. His strong opinions have often landed him in hot water and this instance is no exception, as the families of the deceased concert goers have demanded some form of retribution for Bruce's actions. They feel that his actions were largely self-centred and done without the consideration of the hard-working fans who perhaps didn't have the social or economical means to watch the classic Indiana Jones film.

According to the band's management, the idea to bring the Ark of the Covenant on stage and actually open it during the guitar solo of "Revelations" was entirely Bruce's. When asked for further comment on whether the band supported Bruce's decision, guitarist Janick Gers (who was standing closest to the Ark when it was opened) stated "Garfarbfarabrabff", which we believe meant "It's a bit late now but we stand by Bruce and whatever he does on stage, no matter how poorly thought through it might seem".

Bruce has been advised not to wheel out the Ark of the Covenant again but he claimed that he still plans to use it during performances. "At the end of the day, regardless of how bad things might seem now, things will get better. Plastic surgery has come a long way in just the last five years and fans who literally got their faces melted off can have them reconstructed before coming back next year to have them melted off again, albeit figuratively instead!". When questioned about the fans who aren't as wealthy as him and can't afford the tens of thousands of pounds for crucial facial reconstruction surgery, Bruce replied that there are plenty of fine masks available.

AC/DC PLACED ON LIFE-SUPPORT

Australian Rock band AC/DC have been moved to a private wing in the Royal Melbourne Hospital and placed on life-support after losing another band member. The legendary Hard Rock group were in critical condition when they were brought to the hospital with some doctors claiming to be amazed that they've "lasted this long".

The band first showed signs of deteriorating health when they had to go in for treatment in 2014 to replace rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young. After a successful transplant, AC/DC were back in the studio ready to record a new album but after the disappointment that was Rock Or Bust, the band's physical well-being kept declining over the years. The band had to undergo emergency surgery to remove the drummer due to criminal charges pressed against him and less than two years later, AC/DC underwent a frontmanectomy to allow vocalist Brian Johnson a chance to recover from a hearing condition.

Whilst the band were quick to replace Brian Johnson with Axl Rose (pictured above), fans begun to question whether it was fair to allow the band to continue in such a poor state. One lifelong supporter of the band commented "It feels like they're only carrying on for the sake of it, not because they're getting any joy out of what they're doing and certainly not because people are desperate for them to keep going. It's like The Simpsons all over again".

After suffering critical bass player failure, resulting in the loss of Cliff Williams from the band's lineup, AC/DC were once again rushed to hospital to ensure they had enough functioning band members to make it through the tour. Things seemed to be going well until Axl Rose recently fell ill on stage at a Guns N' Roses concert, prompting AC/DC's management to ensure they were plugged into life-support.

It's impossible to say how long the band have left but if there's one thing you can admire them for, it's their determination to keep on fighting. Even when the quality of their music is dwindling and they're resorting to desperate choices for vocalist replacements, AC/DC are hanging on in there until they can rock no more...presumably a couple of days after Angus Young inevitably drops out.

HOT NEW BAND TAKES INTERNET BY STORM

A new, up-and-coming Rock band are rapidly gaining fans after sounding remarkably similar to iconic 70s group Styx. This new band, named River, have released two singles in just two weeks that contain incredibly similar structures, vocals and guitar playing to the songs "Come Sail Away" and "Renegade", two of the band's most popular singles.

River is made up of six band members: Johnny Spaw on vocals, Jim Elder on guitar, Charlie Ozzonap on bass, Rod Schuleman on drums, Larry Cummin keys and Mickey Phelps also on bass. Despite all appearing to be quite old in the music videos for their singles "Boat On The Highway" and "Mr. Mechano", each band member sports a long black moustache and thick black glasses from start to finish.

Fans of 70s music have taken to the YouTube comment sections and social media to remark in absolute amazement that River sound almost identical to Styx, posting such comments as "OMG these guys are the new Styx!!" and "I'd love to hear these guys cover Styx, they sound just like them!!" over and over and over again as if they're the only people on the face of the planet who have made the connection between two bands who sound similar. Even fans of more contemporary music who have only heard Styx through the occasional music snippet in TV shows have noted similarities, although almost 100% of them don't care.

When asked for comment on River's entrance onto the Rock scene, none of the members of Styx have been available. In fact, none of the members of Styx have even been seen in the last fortnight. Whilst there are theories all over the Internet describing where Styx could have gone, the theory with the most credibility seems to be the one stating that they're simply getting rehearsing and getting ready for their tour with Larry The Cable Guy. This is a thing that's happening. Styx are going on tour with Larry The Cable Guy. I'm actually not making this bit up.

River aren't the only band with remarkable similarities to a 70s Rock group getting next to no attention anymore who have surfaced recently. A few months ago, The Tumbling Rocks released their first album to an audience of indifferent hipsters and earlier this year, Purple Lloyd teased a new album and tour starting mid-December. The sudden resurgence of Classic Rock has proven that it doesn't matter if you create new, exciting material and develop your own style of music for a modern audience still hungry for Rock; as long as you can sound exactly like a band that isn't doing anything worthwhile anymore, you can bring some happiness to overweight fans who desperately want it to be 1973 again.

I'm not sure if I'll get all the blog posts done in time for January but I'll definitely get at least four up!

Here Is The News: October 2018 Edition

Some more news for ya, fresh out of the journalistic oven that is my brain!

FLEETWOOD MAC BREWERY PARTY ENDS IN DISASTER

A party organised at a brewery in Germany by 70s Classic Rock band Fleetwood Mac ended on a sour note after the building nearly burnt down with all inebriated attendees trapped inside. Fleetwood Mac organised the party as a celebration of both their new tour and the settling of petty issues that arose during the new tour. The brewery party was supposed to be light-hearted and fun with plenty of drinks to go around but arguments between band members created a chain reaction of events that nearly burnt everyone alive.

The evening started off with everyone in high spirits, sharing drinks and happy memories of previous Fleetwood Mac concerts. Members of the band joined in on the fun but after a few drinks, Lindsay Buckingham caused a stir by insisting that he could balance an egg on his forehead without it dropping off. According to eye witnesses, John McVie warned him against it and some members of the band's management tried to talk him out of it but Lindsay was quick to angrily shoot them down, adamant that he could demonstrate his incredible balancing skills with a raw egg he happened to have with him in his jacket pocket.

After approximately two seconds of balancing the egg, Lindsay dropped it on the ground next to him. The splattered egg would've been bad enough but matters soon became worse when a member of staff at the brewery slipped up on the splattered yolk, sending him skidding into a gigantic barrel of beer propped up by the north wall. After colliding with the barrel at high speed, the barrel dislodged and dropped down onto the floor, creating several cracks in the body as it rolled through the brewery, panicking everybody who wasn't inebriated enough to notice what was happening.

If things weren't already going poorly, the barrel very nearly crushed Stevie Nicks (pictured right with the band) although thankfully, one of her managers pushed her out of the way before it could do any serious harm. Unfortunately, before this could happen, the sight of a colossal cask heading towards her made her drop the El 'Bacco Grande cigar she was smoking in shock and the trail of beer leaking out of the cracks in the barrel soon came in contact with the lit end of her Cuban stogy. The ignition spread rapidly along the trail of alcohol and into the barrel of high percentage beer, causing it to explode before it came in contact with the wall of the brewery.

Fortunately, nobody at the party was killed although many attendees suffered serious burns, stress-induced trauma and splitting hangovers the next day. Members of Fleetwood Mac have since apologised for the incidents that took place, although Lindsay Buckingham refuses to back down after defending his actions that night. When asked for comment on his behaviour and part in the downfall of the casual piss-up, he replied "I don't care what anyone from that band of wankers says, I KNOW I've lasted longer than twelve seconds before dropping the egg!".

DAVID BOWIE WON'T STOP RELEASING ALBUMS

Despite being dead for over two years now, David Bowie is still releasing a series of albums seemingly from beyond the grave. This mystery has boggled experts in the fields of science and the supernatural as both have verified that David Bowie is very much dead and yet continues to release live albums, compilations and box sets. This was first discovered in 2016 when a compilation of early Bowie material appeared next to a statue of him in Aylesbury, although it wasn't until these compilations and live albums kept appearing that people believed something strange was going on.

The statue (pictured left) has become a sight where people gather to witness miracles instead of just another receptacle for graffiti and tramp piss. Fans have travelled from across the globe to await the new music from deceased cultural icon, although the music only appears when people aren't looking. According to a record producer at Columbia, the new albums are "clearly a sign that (David) wants us to not only keep listening to his music for many years to come but to also keep buying his music too. The man must be working extraordinarily hard to produce such fine work from a different mortal plain and frankly, the least we could do is shell out for the deluxe edition of his new Lazarus re-reissue that may or may not appear at the statue next month".

The new albums are expected to keep mysteriously arriving well into 2020, according to Sony Music executive and part-time travelling psychic "Mystic" Murv Washington: "Whilst I cannot communicate directly with Mr. Bowie, I can sense his aura is telling us to keep copying and releasing everything he ever recorded for another two years or so. David was very much a fan of selling himself out to the record industry too so it feels good to know that when we distribute EPs of lesser material he never intended for any of you to hear, we're doing what he would've wanted...at least that's what I tell myself before bed every night to make it easier to sleep".

Bowie's new music has inspired millions of people all over the world already but his deceased actions continue to inspire one famous musician. Queens Of The Stone Age frontman Josh Homme (pronounced Hommey, apparently) has currently put himself into a medically induced coma in an attempt to release music from a state of near physical and mental death, once again proving to the world that he's a serious artist who is also so ahead of his time. Friends of Josh tried to talk him out of it but according to Dave Grohl, he was certain that he had to do it if he ever wanted to "escape this pitiful genre that is Rock into something only the sophisticated can truly relish". Unfortunately for the newly brain-dead musician, none of his efforts have been fruitful as the only releases the vegetated rocker has produced are runny bowel movements and a reissue of Era Vulgaris which was promptly flushed away with the rest of his shit.

Whilst the Them Crooked Vultures vocalist may not return from the self-inflicted state between life and death, one thing's for certain: David Bowie is gone...although his music remains. Naturally, some fans have voiced scepticism over the nature of the new album releases or whether he actually passed away at all (he did, there's no doubt about it) but at the end of the day, Bowie's music will always be remembered so long as it was recorded between 1969 and 1977.

PORTAL OF CORRUPTION GETS BIGGER EVERY DAY

A gigantic, pulsating wormhole that appeared during a Wolfmother concert in California and corrupts the minds of anyone who comes within several feet of it continues to expand and devour parts of the stage it appeared on. The tear in the fabric of reality, dubbed the Portal Of Corruption by a local newspaper after an online competition to name it resulted in "Porty McPortface" coming first, appears to have an effect on all lifeforms as those who too close soon commit unspeakable acts of horror that go against everything they previously stood for.

Wolfmother are currently touring America with new and old material and a setlist that features such hits as "Victorious", "Woman", "New Day Rising" and "Joker And The Thief". However, during their (currently) last show, the band were halfway through "Dimension" when the Portal Of Corruption opened up on stage, engulfing the bassist and a couple of amps. According to multiple sources, it took fans almost three entire minutes to realise that it wasn't actually part of the show.

When asked for comment on the appearance of the rift that may or may not lead to what we as a species perceive as Hell, frontman Andrew Stockdale (who was the closest to the portal when it opened on stage) was unavailable for comment as he was too busy viciously assaulting and forcibly fornicating with fans unfortunate enough to be in the front row. Wolfmother's manager has issued a statement on the band's website claiming "This behaviour is unacceptable, whether your mind has been contaminated by a Lovecraftian void or not, and Andrew is very sorry for disappointing his fans".

The Portal Of Corruption hasn't only tainted Andrew Stockdale (pictured right) and the rest of the band, who have sadly been shot dead after they attempted to skin and eat various roadies. Multiple fans who were too close to the portal and scientists wishing to examine the gateway have also fallen under its spell, becoming driven to enact atrocities that would make even the most desensitised soul shiver. One fan stated that they would "probably go see Wolfmother play live again" before they too were promptly put down by government agents fearing for the safety of the general populace.

Some fans and musicians have even started travelling to the portal, praying to it in the belief that offering undying allegiance will spare their lives when this inevitably kickstarts the apocalypse. One such musician was guitarist Ted Nugent. He approached the gateway in an attempt to bargain with it but to no avail, although since then he has gone on to start four different charities for impoverished children and donate all of his wealth to the needy. It's unclear why the portal keeps slowly increasing in size but when asked about how the country intends to deal with this ever-growing mass of corruption and pure evil that will soon become the entire planet's concern, most Americans responded with "it'll probably just go away if we don't talk about it".

Happy Halloween, folks!

Here Is The News: September 2018 Edition

He-hey, it's September (well, nearly October) so here is the news!

K.K. DOWNING "STILL UPSET" OVER STARBUCKS ARGUMENT

Former Judas Priest guitarist K.K. Downing has stated in a recent interview that he still harbours some resentment to the way the band treated him after a friendly get-together at popular coffee chain, Starbucks. According to sources and comments from members of the band themselves, Judas Priest were celebrating a successful tour at Starbucks years ago when the table was accidentally knocked over by one or more of the band members, spilling K.K. Downing's milk-based beverage all over the floor.

After the accident, K.K. Downing (pictured left) was certain that it was drummer Scott Travis who nudged the table and caused the spillage. However, according to multiple band members, it was K.K. himself who nudged the table upon standing up with Scott. Either way, the spilling of the milk is still a sore subject for the guitarist and he claims that he has yet to receive any kind of apology for his ruined drink that cost him in the region of two to three dollars.

When asked for comment, K.K. stated "I'm not angry or annoyed about it, I'm actually completely over it. I just think that it says a lot about the characters of Rob, Glenn, Scott and the other one that they accuse me of doing something like this when it was clearly untrue. I'm not mad at all, I'm just still upset that everyone else keeps making a big deal out of it". K.K. then continued to talk about his upcoming musical projects, only bringing the conversation back to the spilled milk drink a couple more times before the end of the interview.

This is one of many accidents and incidents that K.K. Downing has spoken about when reflecting on traumatic times with the band. A previous incident arose when footage of K.K. Downing viciously attacking an already deceased horse surfaced on the Internet. When asked for comment on the video, K.K. claimed that he was only beating a dead horse to such a degree to prove that he wasn't angry about his exit from one of the UK's biggest Metal bands to pursue a career as a solo guitarist.

K.K. Downing is currently preparing to embark on a solo tour of Europe, starting in the UK and ending in Germany. The tour is expected to contain a mix of Judas Priest tracks he heavily contributed towards and recent material K.K. has written for his new solo album. The album (and promotional tour) was inspired by classic Judas Priest track "Riding On The Wind" and fans will be delighted to know that tickets for the upcoming "Pissing In The Wind Tour" are still very much available.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN FINISHES 148 HOUR CONCERT

After a gruelling six days, Bruce Springsteen has finally finished one of his live shows. The concert in London, United Kingdom was originally supposed to last a mere seven hours, due to Bruce dealing with back ache that day, but after getting his second wind he continued to play for another 141 hours to a mostly enthusiastic crowd of Bruce Springsteen fans, their sleep-deprived children and a rotation of available paramedics.

The show started off like any other; lights dimmed, band members shuffling on stage until Bruce (pictured left) joined the action to an eruption of cheers. It's believed that the first song played was "Born In The U.S.A." but since the band ended up repeating multiple tracks throughout their set (including 18 renditions of "Glory Days", 25 performances of "Hungry Heart", 11 documented moments where he played "Because The Night" and seven acoustic covers of "The House Of The Rising Sun"), nobody can remember for sure exactly what the first song was.

Once the gig had finished, the remaining fans still able to walk or remain conscious after almost an entire week of listening to a Bruce Springsteen concert returned home via the nearest hospital. One of the concert goers stated "It's definitely one of the best shows I've ever been too. Bruce really makes sure you get your money's worth, even though I've missed five days of work and had to buy new jeans to replace the ones I soiled to hear him finish a six-hour version of "Thunder Road". I can't wait to see him again next year!" just before falling back into his coma.

Fans rushed to nearby hospitals due to dehydration, partial loss of hearing and mild cases of rickets due to lack of sunlight were offered a discount on a DVD recording of the concert, expected to be released around the holiday season of 2019 once it's been edited down to a tight 28 hours across 10 discs. Footage from the concert has yet to surface online due to the death of almost all smartphone batteries at the gig but according to people at the venue, the general consensus is that show was "pretty good until the smell became unbearable".

When asked what could've possibly possessed him to play a single show roughly twice as long as the average music festival, Bruce Springsteen commented "Sometimes when you're on stage, you just feel unstoppable. You get up there and the crowd cheers and it's the best feeling in the world. I didn't want it to end...so it didn't! I just kept giving it my all and although I've been told that I stopped singing actual human words around the 103rd hour, I'm just glad I made it through all the way to the end without fainting like my band mates". Bruce Springsteen's tour has been postponed until the band's fluid levels are back to non-lethal amounts again, although Bruce still intends to complete shows at all remaining venues in the tour. His fans allegedly cannot wait.

LOCAL BLOG REACHES 200 POSTS

A blog about Rock/Metal (and occasionally Pop/Video Game) music has recently uploaded its 200th post since starting in 2013. The blog, entitled 'Riffs And Raffs', celebrated its 200th post with a self-referential article that may or may not come across as futile, masturbatory self-promotion depending on how much viewers keep reading after the initial restrained chuckle emitted from finishing the opening paragraph subsides.

The blog (pictured literally in front of you right now) was started after creator, IaSg14, decided one day to focus his passion for writing, creative opinions about Rock/Metal and natural aptitude for memorising music trivia into an outlet that he would have control over with the possibility of being available to literally a bunch of people online. However, instead of choosing Wordpress or Tumblr, he continued to use Blogger as if it was still 2005.

The blog contains a variety of post formats, ranging from straightforward album reviews for the newest releases that IaSg14 wants to listen to that more often than not the average reader doesn't care about right down to in-depth discussions about all the Guitar Hero and Rock Band setlists that people have already made their minds up about after playing/hearing them. It also features regularly edited posts about Rock music terminology and a personalised "Scale Of Greatness" linked at the top of the blog, both of which are in dire need of updating.

IaSg14 had this to say about writing his 200th blog post: "A blog about Rock/Metal (and occasionally Pop/Video Game) music has recently uploaded its 200th post since starting in 2013. The blog, entitled 'Riffs And Raffs', celebrated its 200th post with a self-referential article that may or may not come across as futile, masturbatory self-promotion depending on how much viewers keep reading after the initial restrained chuckle emitted from finishing the opening paragraph subsides". He went on to provide more information about the blog's inception, his chosen venue for posting writings about music and some of the post formats on 'Riffs And Raffs' before offering a relatively pointless quote about the blog simply reaching 200 posts and how it celebrated such an achievement, followed by a paraphrased and headache inducing repetition of information and a glimpse into the future of the blog itself.

The future of the blog is uncertain, as personal issues and a newfound love of streaming video games online via Twitch have taken up portions of IaSg14's time that was previously dedicated to planning and writing blog posts (hence the delivery of all the month's posts typically in the last week or so). However, according to sources close to IaSg14, he has no intention of stopping writing or lazily phoning it in any time soon and has absolutely nothing planned for the 300th post in 2020 or the bulk of the 99 posts that will come before it. What will those posts be about? If the last 200 posts are anything to go by, probably more of the same with a few surprises here and there. One thing's for certain though; IaSg14 will continue to write (and entertain) as long as there's an audience for it, be it 1 or 100.


In other news, it's been a pretty frickin' slow month for Rock/Metal news. Here's hoping October will have more going for it!

Here Is The News: August 2018 Edition

NEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWSS!!!
Yeah, more events from the world of Rock/Metal, crafted for your pleasure.

METALHEAD FINALLY 'GETS' SYSTEM OF A DOWN

A man from Surrey who has spent the last fifteen years being a fan of classic Heavy Metal bands such as Iron Maiden, Megadeth and Black Sabbath has finally made the mental breakthrough needed to understand the music of System Of A Down. The man had been aware of them for some time but it was only recently that he listened to one of their songs and not recoiled in horror or disgust at their unique style of Nu-Metal.

System Of A Down (pictured left) are known for loud, traditional Metal riffing paired with screeching, operatic vocals as showcased in signature songs like "Chop Suey!" and "B.Y.O.B". The band aren't afraid to embrace aggressive wackiness either, particularly in songs such as "Vicinity Of Obscenity". It was this song that the man from Surrey listened to when he had his epiphany, realising that the band weren't just a bunch of angry clowns and actually had some talent in their musicianship and songwriting.

When asked about the experience, the man stated "I've never really been a fan of bands like System Of A Down or Slayer but after years of listening to Thrash Metal and building up a tolerance to fast riffing and progressively more abrasive vocals, my tastes have toughened up to the point that I can hear "Angel Of Death" and actually nod my head along to what I assume is the music. I never thought the same thing would happen with System Of A Down".

According to the man (not pictured right), he was casually listening to one of the Heavy Metal playlists on Spotify when he heard the SOAD track. He told us "It was supposed to be an 'Old School Metal' playlist but whoever made it clearly didn't realise what they were making, as it contained songs by bands like Rammstein and some random solo stuff from Metal musicians". He went on to say that he originally intended to change the playlist after sitting through the first minute of "Before I Forget" - Slipknot but was "too lazy". Eventually, the SOAD song appeared on the playlist, causing quite the shock to the man from Surrey.

"Initially, I enjoyed the music but once I heard Serj's voice, I couldn't believe that I was actually liking the song. I gave the song a full listen and ended up loving it!". Since then, the man has sampled music from other fairly contemporary Metal bands such as Dethklok and Five Finger Death Punch, finding that he isn't immediately repulsed in the same way he would've been upon hearing their music just a few years ago. When asked if he would go to a System Of A Down show, the man claimed that it's still early days and he doesn't want to rush into something like that without proper protection., although he's still eager to experiment with his newly adapted taste in Metal.

JUDAS PRIEST ANNOUNCE SECOND FAREWELL TOUR

Legendary Metal band Judas Priest have announced that they intend to call it a day after one last farewell tour next year. The 2019 farewell tour, entitled the "Sold Out Tour", will start in Argentina, moving across the planet to the Americas, down to Japan, around Europe, a few dates back in South America before finishing up with one show in the UK. According to the tour manager, it's the band's most "confusingly ambitious" tour to date.

Judas Priest (pictured left) have decided that it's time to call it quits once again after dwindling returns on their latest world tour to promote Firepower, the most recent album at the time of writing this article. Ian Hill, the band's bassist, has stated that he doubts Firepower will be their last album but despite this assertion, a press release on the band's website stated "The Sold Out Tour will be the last opportunity to hear new or old Judas Priest material. We really mean it this time".

The band were referring to their 2011/2012 Epitaph World Tour, supposedly a farewell tour after original guitarist K.K. Downing left the band to be replaced by Richie Faulkner. However, after the success of the tour and the demand for more Metal, Judas Priest decided to scrap their retirement plans and continue touring/recording new music anyway. This decision definitely came after the end of the tour and certainly wasn't planned beforehand in an attempt to increase ticket sales for what was essentially just a greatest hits tour after diminishing interest in the band's new music. It wasn't.

When asked for details on the band's Sold Out tour, the band's promoter Slim Chimbles (part time band promoter, part time owner of a second-hand car dealership) claimed "This tour will be the one to see! All the band are at the top of their game and are ready to wow audiences all over the world with fan favourites and some new songs that the band learnt for their last tour that they feel more comfortable playing live than old deep cuts. However, if you've ever wanted to see Judas Priest live, you'd better get your tickets now before you miss the chance to see Rob Halford performing whilst the rest of the band play "Breaking The Law". If you buy tickets now, you'll be in for a real surprise! Also, tickets are non-refundable and pre-purchases require a 40% deposit. Rock & Roll!"

The second farewell tour and, indeed, Judas Priest themselves have been criticised by some fans for what appears to be a hollow cash grab by an ageing band who are evidently more interested in making money than keeping Rock alive, designed to con a younger generation of metalheads who didn't have the opportunity to see Judas Priest in their prime whilst misleading loyal fans (who perhaps don't have the disposable income or time necessary to frequently go to gigs) to see them instead of a band who wouldn't openly lie about their intentions. However, many fans have criticised the band for other reasons too.

SOUTHERN ROCK BAND COMPLETELY LOSES IDENTITY

The Southern Rock band Devils And Angels have finally changed their name and roster of members so many times that none of them can remember what the band used to be called when they first formed in the early 70s. The (possibly super) group are halfway through touring America with Black Stone Cherry although it's unknown if people are going to see them because they want to hear material from the recently formed Devils And Angels or if they're hoping to hear classics from a long-gone Southern Rock band that one or more of the members may have been a part of several decades ago.

Lead guitarist Hughie Woodpecker had this realisation during a recent interview where a music journalist asked him if Devils And Angels planned on playing any of their "earlier work", prompting Hughie's eyes to glaze over as he desperately tried to search his memory banks for the band he started out in. Fortunately, the music journalist changed the subject and asked if he preferred his time playing in his original band or with Lynyrd Skynyrd (pictured left) in the 90s. Since Hughie could vaguely remember sharing a stage with the Lynyrd Skynyrd flag behind him, he answered the latter.

Other band members faced similar problems recalling their origins. Earl Downs II could've sworn he joined the band when they were The Allman Fogerty Project back in the 80s but couldn't recall whether they were The Allman Brothers Band, Creedence Clearwater Revival or a completely different entity before that. Similarly, members of other Southern Rock bands such as The Outlaws and .38 Special have since reached out to confirm that they were a different band to Devils And Angels, narrowing down the list of potential 70s Southern Rock groups they could have once been.

The mystery has become somewhat of a challenge for the Internet as tech-savvy Southern Rock fans have taken to forums to determine the very first incarnation of Devils And Angels. Many clues have been posted such as quotes from interviews implying memories of playing on stage with long haired guitarists, female backing vocalists and at least one man wearing a cowboy hat. Sadly, no definite answer has been uncovered yet but the last significant clue was a grainy photo of the band's guitarist and bassist sharing a stage with members of Blackfoot or Molly Hatchet (pictured right many years later).

Regardless of the band's origins, Devils And Angels continue to tour and play catchy Southern Rock numbers recorded over the last twenty years. The band still love playing live and have no intention of calling it quits just yet. Members of the band are still hoping to discover the truth behind their origin for a multitude of reasons although it's suspected that the main one is knowing whether or not they have to pay royalties for covering what could be their own material.

Stay tuned for more Tenology posts/news in the coming months!