Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 2

I hope you enjoyed part one of the news update for this year.
Better buckle up for part two!

VAN HALEN CONTINUE TO SLOWLY VANISH FROM EXISTENCE

Hard Rock icons Van Halen are beginning to fade away from reality, starting with guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Scientists aren't certain why but they have calculated that if something isn't done soon, all traces of Van Halen will have completely vanished without a trace within the next four years.

The strange phenomenon is believed to have begun many years ago but it only became apparent when Eddie Van Halen was asked to take a photograph of a Tool fan at one of their concerts. It was strange enough when the fan didn't recognise one of the greatest living guitarists of all time but things became truly bizarre after a second photo was taken of Eddie at the show. Whilst the photo came out perfectly normal on the night, weeks later the image of Eddie had begun to fade until he was completely invisible.

The rest of the band were unavailable for comment, presumably due to fading away shortly after Eddie. This was confirmed after a television appearance by Pop star and Baskin Robbins Flavour Of The Month, Billie Eilish, on Jimmy Kimmel's chat show. When asked about her opinion on the 80s Hard Rockers, Billie had no recollection of the band's existence at all. Naturally, audience members were shocked as her knowledge gap clearly wasn't due to her age and lack of interest in the genre of music; it must've been something more sinister.

Whilst pictures and evidence of Sammy Hagar's stint with the band seem unaffected by the temporal anomaly, all evidence of the band's golden years with David Lee Roth are slowly being erased. Fans believe David Lee Roth was aware of this as one of the last things he publicly said before disappearing was that he believed Van Halen were "finished". After some digging, Internet conspiracy theorists believe the answer lies in how guitarist Eddie Van Halen frequently used to put a guitar pick made of plutonium in his mouth during gigs, although all evidence of this has since been erased from the timeline.

Quantum physicist Dr. Emmett Brown stated "This wouldn't be the first time someone has meddled with the timeline and caused disastrous results. With the band vanishing from our reality, there's no telling what the outcome might be; future bands inspired by Van Halen could vanish, films using the song "Jump" could be forced to use some other kind of inspiring 80s anthem, it could be catastrophic. This is pretty heavy indeed".

NITA STRAUSS IS A WOMAN

Nita Strauss, solo artist and guitarist for Alice Cooper, is a woman who can actually play guitar. This revelation has come as a surprise to many fans of Rock and Metal who spent their entire lives believing women were incapable of producing anything other than babies, let alone top quality riffs and face melting solos. However, Nita Strauss has led the charge in reminding people that woman have fingers.

In a recent television interview promoting her second solo album and brand new signature guitar, Nita (pictured left) commented once again on how happy she is to be doing something for women all over the world. "It's so great to be inspiring women to play guitar and write Rock music. Women like me can do anything we put our minds to and I think it's important that people look at me and see that you don't have to be a man to play guitar; you can also be a blond, attractive woman too". Nita echoed her sentiments on several radio appearances that followed where she repeatedly stated that she's "not just a pretty face" but also someone "who grew up with Rock music from an early age" before naming every single chord and note she can play on the guitar.

Nita has also launched her own YouTube channel called Nita Talks where she posts weekly videos about the struggles of being the only woman in Rock/Metal who can play guitar and talk about how tough it is being the only woman in Rock/Metal. Her videos have received praise from band members, peers and Rock/Metal fans all over the world, calling them "eye-opening" and "much needed in this time of gender stereotype uncertainty".

Aside from being the only woman in all of recorded history to play guitar for a Rock band, Nita Strauss has also demonstrated that it's possible to be a female musician and have other interests too. Nita has championed campaigns related to health & fitness as well as encouraging young generations of men (and women!) to pick up musical instruments. "It's important to show people how talented you are" she stated after being asked about her opinion on climate change.

Nita Strauss is currently on tour with Alice Cooper and will be widely promoting her solo albums at intimate venues across America. She's also expected to be giving a talk about how great it is to hear women following her lead and getting into recording Rock/Metal music in an upcoming public appearance (the appearance is a corporate awards show for cutlery manufacturers but it's expected that she'll give the talk regardless).

ROYAL BLOOD CRUISE DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED

Once beloved Rock band Royal Blood have suffered another catastrophic blow to their popularity after a cruise trip planned for themselves and fans went disastrously wrong. Much like many other Rock and for some reason Metal bands at the moment, Royal Blood decided to invite their most wealthy fans to party with them on a cruise ship for a week. However, nobody could have foreseen what happened next.

After partnering with Royal Caribbean Cruises, Royal Blood sold tickets for the Royal Blood Royal Cruise at the end of last year, thinking it would show the world that they weren't just lucky when they released their debut album several years ago. The cruise (affectionately known as the band's Royal Baby) was meant to be an opportunity for both the band and fans to have a great time with sun, sea and simplistic bass melodies made to sound like heavier Rock songs. Things were going well for the first couple of days but problems began after the ship's crew realised they didn't have enough fuel to last the entire journey.

Not long after setting off, Royal Blood were dead in the water. Since most of the fans and record producers aboard the cruise had eaten most of the free shrimp and drunk most of the alcohol the band supplied, passengers had to reuse a lot of old food and drink to keep themselves from becoming dehydrated. Unfortunately, there's only so long you can provide the same material before fans demand something new and exciting to prevent them from losing interest or, in this case, dying.

After trying to recreate the fuel that initially powered the ship from expensive clothing from the record producers and a bunch of cash lying about, it became clear that Royal Blood (pictured right) would have to do more to get the ship moving again, hence the band's plea online for suggestions to give the ship some life again. After checking their Royal Mail, Royal Blood found several helpful suggestions from their fans at home, collectively known as the Royal Family. One of which was to just do the same thing they did when getting fuel in the first place, which was just enough to get them moving again.

After a gruelling three weeks, the Royal Blood Royal Cruise arrived back home with half as many passengers and a smell that would take months of intense cleaning to get the ship back to normal again. When asked about whether the band would attempt anything like this again, Royal Blood's spokesperson stated "The future is uncertain for Royal Blood but one thing we do know is that this cruise was an absolute Royal Fuckup".

DETECTIVE STUMPED BY STRING OF RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS MYSTERIES

A Private Eye tasked with investigating all the latest decisions made by popular Rock bands has had to throw in the towel after revealing that he's absolutely stumped by the recent actions of Alternative Funk rockers Red Hot Chili Peppers. Detective Ryan Shmuckers was hired by a Kickstarter campaign to identify what the band were playing at but has sadly revealed that he's made no progress in the two years since he was hired.

Detective Shmuckers was first hired in 2017 to investigate why a Rock band from America would choose to hire a Pop producer (Danger Mouse, pictured left) to help create their 11th studio album. Ryan posted on his work Tumblr account that after looking into how the band's last album before The Getaway was met with mixed to negative responses, he just couldn't figure out why a Rock band would want someone known for producing commercially successful Pop albums to work with them over 30 years after they first started making Rock music. He described the case as "quite possibly unsolvable by even the greatest detectives of our time".

Shmuckers was also asked to investigate similar cases as to why bands with integrity like Foo Fighters and Queens Of The Stone Age would ask well known Pop producers to make their albums. "It's almost as if there's something a Pop music producer can bring to the table when it comes to releasing records that a typical Rock producer might not be able to provide as much. Some kind of significant factor when it comes to making music nowadays...but I can't for the life of me figure out what".

Much like the average person after listening to "Uptown Funk", the plot became even thicker after it was recently announced that guitarist John Frusciante was returning to the band. Detective Shmuckers looked into why the guitarist who previously left the band would want to return after the success of The Getaway two years ago. "It seems as though the same missing ingredient that explains why these modern Rock bands are getting Pop producers holds the key behind John's return. If only I or anyone else could figure out what that is".

Detective Shmuckers is going to keep looking into this for a few more months before deciding whether he should hand over the case to someone more talented. However, if Ryan Shmuckers can't find the connection between bands with dwindling popularity and the same bands hiring Pop producers who are known for making music that gets a lot of radio play, he just might bust this thing wide open.

TOP "TOP 10 ALBUMS OF THE 2010S" LISTS REVEALED

Now that we've reached the end of the 2010s, it's time for the most important piece of cultural preservation since the surge in time capsules at the start of the new millennium: Top 10 Albums Of The 2010s lists. Naturally, everyone has an opinion on which albums were better than others and thanks to the convenience of digital distribution, everyone has to read them whether they like it or not.

The list contains all the standard music websites from the pretentious choices of Pitchfork to the irrelevant opinions of Rolling Stone but there are still a few surprises in there, such as the contrarian ramblings of some Indie music blogs and totally unbiased & well thought out views of Metal forums. Whilst the list doesn't contain any numeric ranking of superiority, presumably to avoid offending people by suggesting the sound waves they get emotional pleasure out of aren't as good as others, it would appear that the lists at the start and end are regarded as the best due to the detail given to their descriptions.

Albums selected in each of these lists range from contemporary Pop to edgy contemporary Pop with some Hip Hop scattered about to show readers how forward thinking and open to different musical genres the list's authors are. Naturally Kanye West and David Bowie are in the list because smart people listen to those albums and it's important for readers to know how smart the writers are but that's not all. There's also Taylor Swift, Adele and Lana Del Rey because the best thing about music is everyone has to agree on what's considered good; in this case, it's depressing piano-driven dirge from physically attractive yet inexplicably romantically unhappy women.

Once again, Rock and Metal music is absent from the majority of lists apart from a few joyless experiences that happen to feature guitar such as whatever Arcade Fire shat out near the start of the decade. However, a few specialist websites decided to focus on Top Rock Albums when compiling their lists. Not only that but they decided to cast the net so wide with their selection that utter shite released throughout the 2010s like Rock Or Bust - AC/DC and ...Like Clockwork - Queens Of The Stone Age made the cut over records that weren't tired or full of themselves.

Regardless of what some trendy tosspot or opinionated blogger thinks, the important thing is that listeners continue to support the things they get joy from and express negative thoughts about overrated material in a way that doesn't sound like them getting mad for the sake of it. To anyone out there thinking of making their own lists, I wish you good luck and a gentle reminder that just because you really liked something you heard in the last couple of years, that doesn't mean it's as good as something released in 2012...unless it's Prequelle - Ghost.


That's all for this blog for the year and indeed decade! I'll be back in January with some posts about stuff from 2019 and maybe a couple of random bits & bobs too.
Until then, have a Happy New Year!

Taster Session #8

Back to the classic format for this posts, I'm afraid. Five new Rock/Metal singles from albums coming out this year with a link for you to sample each track along with my personal verdict.

"Dig Down" - Muse         (listen here)
From the album ???? (??/??/????)

Apparently, this song was written as a way of saying "don't let all the shit that's happening in the world get you down" and what better way of communicating that sentiment than with a terrible song and a step backward for the band's musical quality. Drones had me hopeful that the band were realising they're actually a Rock band instead of a shitty hipster synth outfit but now they've decided to write music off The 2nd Law again. Bland, repetitive WUBWUBWUBs and Matt Bellamy's moaning vocals carry this song because no other fucker's bothering to bring the thunder. On the plus side, it still sounds like Muse at its heart, although not good Muse. Just Muse Muse.


"Run" - Foo Fighters         (listen here)
From the album Concrete And Gold (15/09/17)

So far, we're 0 for 2. The song starts off like your typical sensitive Foos track but once percussion and heavy guitar riffs come in, it turns to shit. Dave's screaming is easily the worst aspect of any Foo Fighters song (not to be confused with his singing or shouting vocals, just when he screeches) and they're used a fair bit throughout the track. The riffing and guitar melodies are incredibly average but then so was everything about "Everlong" and people adore that song for some fucking reason. However, the most disappointing aspect has to be the drumming during the verse. It sounds wrong. It doesn't match the heavy riffs and sounds like the kind of percussion you'd hear in a shitty football anthem, not Hard Rock single for one of the biggest modern Rock bands on the planet.


"Must Be Nice" - Nickelback         (listen here)
From the album Feed The Machine (16/07/17)

My Nickelback policy is simple. If it sucks, it sucks. If it rocks, it rocks. "How You Remind Me" sucks. "Burn It To The Ground" rocks. This song rocks. Great riffs, sweet solo, steady rhythm, typical Rock song structure. It's not exactly the band pushing any boundaries and the vocal delivery in the verse is a little off-putting with repeat listens but if you want a solid Rock song, this is a good track to listen to. On a side note, that album cover is pretty fucking cool too. If it didn't have Nickelback at the top, more people would probably pick it up. Finally, a song I enjoyed and would want to hear again!


"Great Heathen Army" - Iced Earth         (listen here)
From the album Incorruptible (16/06/17)

Gotta love that chanting, although the intro does go on a bit long. I haven't discussed Iced Earth much (if at all) on the blog but if you like your Metal fast and heavy, check them out. I think the easiest comparison would be Slayer mixed with Iron Maiden but you could probably apply that to any American Metal band that doesn't rely on their sensitivity to pad songs. The music's a little dull and mostly serves as background noise for the vocals here, which goes against traditional Metal values but at least it isn't crap. It's just a bit meh, which is a shame as I had high hopes for this band's new material.


"Paranoiac Personality" - Alice Cooper         (listen here)
From the album Paranormal (28/07/17)

Now, see, THIS is proper Heavy Metal! It reminds me of "Believer" - Ozzy Osbourne with the bassline at the start but the riffs are a lot better than whatever Randy Rhoads was doing. It's a decent Rock song, although I'm hoping the outro doesn't just cut out like that on the album. Based on this track, I'd be tempted to give the rest of the album a listen, as I don't believe I've ever actually sat and listened to a full Alice Cooper album from start to finish before. I've tried to sit through a couple but gave up part way through. Anyway, good song!


Coming soon: a Showdown post featuring Halestorm covers and their originals!

Motley Crue - The Final Tour

For those of you who haven't had their ear to the ground of the Rock/Metal scene, Motley Crue announced that they're calling it quits after going on one last hurrah and performing a Greatest Hits setlist all over the world. Unlike other bands such as Judas Priest who lie about going on a farewell tour just to fill more seats, Motley Crue have made a big deal about how this is genuinely the end and two days ago, I was lucky enough to catch them in Manchester before they fade away.

The warm-up band (The One Hundred) were fucking shite. They sounded like a generic screaming Metal band populated by thirteen year olds and their older brothers. So yeah, I don't recommend paying for anything by these guys based on what I heard.
Luckily, they were just a warm-up for a much better warm-up. Eventually, Alice Cooper and his band hit the stage and played a selection of hits from "Poison" to "No More Mr. Nice Guy". This isn't the first time I've seen Alice Cooper live but it was definitely the better performance. The first time, Alice Cooper was on his own at a charity gig with musicians from other bands such as Ian Paice and Brian May. However, since this was an Alice Cooper show, he had more time to play his own songs with all the theatrics involved.
I'm not really a huge Alice Cooper fan but his vocals are still as strong as they were when he recorded them all those decades ago, plus he really knows how to put on a freaky show. The only problem was that some of the stage theatrics (such as dressing as a massive Frankenstein Monster and running about shouting during the end of "Feed My Frankenstein") can be greatly distracting from the music so if you just want to hear Alice Cooper songs, you might find it a little off-putting. Then again, his shows have always been about shock and awe so if you go in expecting that, you won't be disappointed.
So yes, I enjoyed Alice Cooper's segment of the show. Now onto the main event!

Motley Crue came out with a roar and opened with "Girls, Girls, Girls", joined by pyrotechnics and two scantily clad ladies dancing about and occasionally providing backing vocals. They played a great selection of tunes from various albums with a few mediocre ones every now and then, such as a cover of "Anarchy In The U.K.". Not that it makes any difference as they're no longer touring after this year but the band are all still on top form. There are a few blemishes here and there such as Vince Neil's inability to sing longer vocal phrases without pausing throughout (very noticeable during "Live Wire" and "Dr. Feelgood") but everyone in the band and audience still had a great time.
There were also a couple of odd moments during the show, like Nikki Sixx's "follow your dreams" monologue about stealing his dad's penknife that he seemingly recited without taking a single breath. Along with this, there were the obligatory instrumental solos that bands seem to be doing more and more now. Mick Mars decided to impersonate Eddie Van Halen with a loud but obnoxious guitar solo, clearly fancying himself as some sort of virtuoso. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind a good guitar solo that gets progressively more frenzied before ending on an all-out showstopper but this one sounded more like an air conditioning unit that's beyond the point of being totally fucked.
Unlike guitarists such as Slash or Steve Vai who have mastered the art of their instrument, Mick Mars seemed to rely heavily on smacking his fretboard and strings like a cat pawing at a laser pointer or a blind man trying to put out a fire on his crotch. It would've sounded a lot better if there was less feedback and you could actually hear each note he was playing, unless of course that was the intention after all. Maybe he's played much better solos at other gigs but I wasn't impressed after this one. Hey, speaking of using noise to cover things up, let's move onto the other spectacle of the show; the drum roller coaster.

If you haven't seen it before, I recommend checking it out on Youtube but basically, Tommy Lee starts a drum solo and as he does so, his kit is lifted into the air and spun around as it follows a track to another part of the stage, still with him playing all the way through. It's a pretty awesome sight and I was looking forward to seeing it in person. It started off with "O Fortuna" (or the scary operatic music used in teasers for The X Factor when they want to create the illusion of drama) and eventually broke into Tommy starting the beat as his kit slowly levitated.
A good start, yes, but things gradually fell apart (not literally). Instead of creating a drum solo himself, Tommy was drumming along to a remix of several tunes as he spun across the arena. This would've been fine if the remix contained Motley Crue songs, since that's what people paid to hear. Hell, I would've been satisfied if he stuck to Rock tracks, as there were snippets of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath in the mix. Regretfully, the remix was mostly shitty Pop music and Dubstep, loud enough to cover up any actual physical drumming from the actual physical fucking drummer.
It was a hell of a stunt that, in my eyes, flopped miserably as soon as I recognised "Uptown Funk". Bad remixes, unimpressive solos and unnecessary covers aside though, it was a great show that ended on a single encore performance of "Home Sweet Home", a fitting swan song for these iconic Hair Metal heroes...even if I do suspect Tommy Lee wasn't really playing the piano. But yes, I had a fun night and even if I am being quite harsh on the band, I have massive respect for them for not completely phoning it in.

Many other Hair Metal or 80's Hard Rock acts probably would've let arrogance get in the way and put on a shitty show. It would've been incredibly easy for any of the band members to sack the whole thing off and say "Hey, it doesn't matter if this goes to shit. I've still got millions upon millions to my name!". Maybe one of them did in their own way or will do on their last ever gig but as far as I'm concerned, they put on a hell of a show. It's things like this that make Motley Crue different to Guns N' Roses, for example.
Bottom line is I enjoyed both shows, even if they had a few faults. The band came together as a cohesive unit and rocked an entire arena. I can't recommend seeing these guys live as that opportunity has expired (unless you've got a time machine on you, in which case I do recommend popping back and seeing them play!) but if you haven't done already, do give their earlier albums a listen; particularly Theatre Of Pain.
Motley Crue are one of those bands who are capable of writing insanely catchy songs AND top quality filler tracks too. They're not just hair spray and eyeliner, they're decent musicians if you give them a chance. The next gig I'm going to will be in December as I'm seeing The Darkness in Leeds. I've already reviewed their latest album on the blog but I'll give the show a write-up as well, assuming I'm not inundated with ideas for the rest of the year.