Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 2

I hope you enjoyed part one of the news update for this year.
Better buckle up for part two!

VAN HALEN CONTINUE TO SLOWLY VANISH FROM EXISTENCE

Hard Rock icons Van Halen are beginning to fade away from reality, starting with guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Scientists aren't certain why but they have calculated that if something isn't done soon, all traces of Van Halen will have completely vanished without a trace within the next four years.

The strange phenomenon is believed to have begun many years ago but it only became apparent when Eddie Van Halen was asked to take a photograph of a Tool fan at one of their concerts. It was strange enough when the fan didn't recognise one of the greatest living guitarists of all time but things became truly bizarre after a second photo was taken of Eddie at the show. Whilst the photo came out perfectly normal on the night, weeks later the image of Eddie had begun to fade until he was completely invisible.

The rest of the band were unavailable for comment, presumably due to fading away shortly after Eddie. This was confirmed after a television appearance by Pop star and Baskin Robbins Flavour Of The Month, Billie Eilish, on Jimmy Kimmel's chat show. When asked about her opinion on the 80s Hard Rockers, Billie had no recollection of the band's existence at all. Naturally, audience members were shocked as her knowledge gap clearly wasn't due to her age and lack of interest in the genre of music; it must've been something more sinister.

Whilst pictures and evidence of Sammy Hagar's stint with the band seem unaffected by the temporal anomaly, all evidence of the band's golden years with David Lee Roth are slowly being erased. Fans believe David Lee Roth was aware of this as one of the last things he publicly said before disappearing was that he believed Van Halen were "finished". After some digging, Internet conspiracy theorists believe the answer lies in how guitarist Eddie Van Halen frequently used to put a guitar pick made of plutonium in his mouth during gigs, although all evidence of this has since been erased from the timeline.

Quantum physicist Dr. Emmett Brown stated "This wouldn't be the first time someone has meddled with the timeline and caused disastrous results. With the band vanishing from our reality, there's no telling what the outcome might be; future bands inspired by Van Halen could vanish, films using the song "Jump" could be forced to use some other kind of inspiring 80s anthem, it could be catastrophic. This is pretty heavy indeed".

NITA STRAUSS IS A WOMAN

Nita Strauss, solo artist and guitarist for Alice Cooper, is a woman who can actually play guitar. This revelation has come as a surprise to many fans of Rock and Metal who spent their entire lives believing women were incapable of producing anything other than babies, let alone top quality riffs and face melting solos. However, Nita Strauss has led the charge in reminding people that woman have fingers.

In a recent television interview promoting her second solo album and brand new signature guitar, Nita (pictured left) commented once again on how happy she is to be doing something for women all over the world. "It's so great to be inspiring women to play guitar and write Rock music. Women like me can do anything we put our minds to and I think it's important that people look at me and see that you don't have to be a man to play guitar; you can also be a blond, attractive woman too". Nita echoed her sentiments on several radio appearances that followed where she repeatedly stated that she's "not just a pretty face" but also someone "who grew up with Rock music from an early age" before naming every single chord and note she can play on the guitar.

Nita has also launched her own YouTube channel called Nita Talks where she posts weekly videos about the struggles of being the only woman in Rock/Metal who can play guitar and talk about how tough it is being the only woman in Rock/Metal. Her videos have received praise from band members, peers and Rock/Metal fans all over the world, calling them "eye-opening" and "much needed in this time of gender stereotype uncertainty".

Aside from being the only woman in all of recorded history to play guitar for a Rock band, Nita Strauss has also demonstrated that it's possible to be a female musician and have other interests too. Nita has championed campaigns related to health & fitness as well as encouraging young generations of men (and women!) to pick up musical instruments. "It's important to show people how talented you are" she stated after being asked about her opinion on climate change.

Nita Strauss is currently on tour with Alice Cooper and will be widely promoting her solo albums at intimate venues across America. She's also expected to be giving a talk about how great it is to hear women following her lead and getting into recording Rock/Metal music in an upcoming public appearance (the appearance is a corporate awards show for cutlery manufacturers but it's expected that she'll give the talk regardless).

ROYAL BLOOD CRUISE DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED

Once beloved Rock band Royal Blood have suffered another catastrophic blow to their popularity after a cruise trip planned for themselves and fans went disastrously wrong. Much like many other Rock and for some reason Metal bands at the moment, Royal Blood decided to invite their most wealthy fans to party with them on a cruise ship for a week. However, nobody could have foreseen what happened next.

After partnering with Royal Caribbean Cruises, Royal Blood sold tickets for the Royal Blood Royal Cruise at the end of last year, thinking it would show the world that they weren't just lucky when they released their debut album several years ago. The cruise (affectionately known as the band's Royal Baby) was meant to be an opportunity for both the band and fans to have a great time with sun, sea and simplistic bass melodies made to sound like heavier Rock songs. Things were going well for the first couple of days but problems began after the ship's crew realised they didn't have enough fuel to last the entire journey.

Not long after setting off, Royal Blood were dead in the water. Since most of the fans and record producers aboard the cruise had eaten most of the free shrimp and drunk most of the alcohol the band supplied, passengers had to reuse a lot of old food and drink to keep themselves from becoming dehydrated. Unfortunately, there's only so long you can provide the same material before fans demand something new and exciting to prevent them from losing interest or, in this case, dying.

After trying to recreate the fuel that initially powered the ship from expensive clothing from the record producers and a bunch of cash lying about, it became clear that Royal Blood (pictured right) would have to do more to get the ship moving again, hence the band's plea online for suggestions to give the ship some life again. After checking their Royal Mail, Royal Blood found several helpful suggestions from their fans at home, collectively known as the Royal Family. One of which was to just do the same thing they did when getting fuel in the first place, which was just enough to get them moving again.

After a gruelling three weeks, the Royal Blood Royal Cruise arrived back home with half as many passengers and a smell that would take months of intense cleaning to get the ship back to normal again. When asked about whether the band would attempt anything like this again, Royal Blood's spokesperson stated "The future is uncertain for Royal Blood but one thing we do know is that this cruise was an absolute Royal Fuckup".

DETECTIVE STUMPED BY STRING OF RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS MYSTERIES

A Private Eye tasked with investigating all the latest decisions made by popular Rock bands has had to throw in the towel after revealing that he's absolutely stumped by the recent actions of Alternative Funk rockers Red Hot Chili Peppers. Detective Ryan Shmuckers was hired by a Kickstarter campaign to identify what the band were playing at but has sadly revealed that he's made no progress in the two years since he was hired.

Detective Shmuckers was first hired in 2017 to investigate why a Rock band from America would choose to hire a Pop producer (Danger Mouse, pictured left) to help create their 11th studio album. Ryan posted on his work Tumblr account that after looking into how the band's last album before The Getaway was met with mixed to negative responses, he just couldn't figure out why a Rock band would want someone known for producing commercially successful Pop albums to work with them over 30 years after they first started making Rock music. He described the case as "quite possibly unsolvable by even the greatest detectives of our time".

Shmuckers was also asked to investigate similar cases as to why bands with integrity like Foo Fighters and Queens Of The Stone Age would ask well known Pop producers to make their albums. "It's almost as if there's something a Pop music producer can bring to the table when it comes to releasing records that a typical Rock producer might not be able to provide as much. Some kind of significant factor when it comes to making music nowadays...but I can't for the life of me figure out what".

Much like the average person after listening to "Uptown Funk", the plot became even thicker after it was recently announced that guitarist John Frusciante was returning to the band. Detective Shmuckers looked into why the guitarist who previously left the band would want to return after the success of The Getaway two years ago. "It seems as though the same missing ingredient that explains why these modern Rock bands are getting Pop producers holds the key behind John's return. If only I or anyone else could figure out what that is".

Detective Shmuckers is going to keep looking into this for a few more months before deciding whether he should hand over the case to someone more talented. However, if Ryan Shmuckers can't find the connection between bands with dwindling popularity and the same bands hiring Pop producers who are known for making music that gets a lot of radio play, he just might bust this thing wide open.

TOP "TOP 10 ALBUMS OF THE 2010S" LISTS REVEALED

Now that we've reached the end of the 2010s, it's time for the most important piece of cultural preservation since the surge in time capsules at the start of the new millennium: Top 10 Albums Of The 2010s lists. Naturally, everyone has an opinion on which albums were better than others and thanks to the convenience of digital distribution, everyone has to read them whether they like it or not.

The list contains all the standard music websites from the pretentious choices of Pitchfork to the irrelevant opinions of Rolling Stone but there are still a few surprises in there, such as the contrarian ramblings of some Indie music blogs and totally unbiased & well thought out views of Metal forums. Whilst the list doesn't contain any numeric ranking of superiority, presumably to avoid offending people by suggesting the sound waves they get emotional pleasure out of aren't as good as others, it would appear that the lists at the start and end are regarded as the best due to the detail given to their descriptions.

Albums selected in each of these lists range from contemporary Pop to edgy contemporary Pop with some Hip Hop scattered about to show readers how forward thinking and open to different musical genres the list's authors are. Naturally Kanye West and David Bowie are in the list because smart people listen to those albums and it's important for readers to know how smart the writers are but that's not all. There's also Taylor Swift, Adele and Lana Del Rey because the best thing about music is everyone has to agree on what's considered good; in this case, it's depressing piano-driven dirge from physically attractive yet inexplicably romantically unhappy women.

Once again, Rock and Metal music is absent from the majority of lists apart from a few joyless experiences that happen to feature guitar such as whatever Arcade Fire shat out near the start of the decade. However, a few specialist websites decided to focus on Top Rock Albums when compiling their lists. Not only that but they decided to cast the net so wide with their selection that utter shite released throughout the 2010s like Rock Or Bust - AC/DC and ...Like Clockwork - Queens Of The Stone Age made the cut over records that weren't tired or full of themselves.

Regardless of what some trendy tosspot or opinionated blogger thinks, the important thing is that listeners continue to support the things they get joy from and express negative thoughts about overrated material in a way that doesn't sound like them getting mad for the sake of it. To anyone out there thinking of making their own lists, I wish you good luck and a gentle reminder that just because you really liked something you heard in the last couple of years, that doesn't mean it's as good as something released in 2012...unless it's Prequelle - Ghost.


That's all for this blog for the year and indeed decade! I'll be back in January with some posts about stuff from 2019 and maybe a couple of random bits & bobs too.
Until then, have a Happy New Year!

Easter Is Cancelled - The Darkness

Taking a break from charting Clone Hero customs to review my second favourite album of 2019 so far!
Oh shit, sorry. Spoilers.

A song about calling for the execution of a musical genre.
A song about falling in love with a girl who's hardcore into Death Metal.
A song about the state of the planet and mankind sung from the perspective of Jesus.
A song about the tragic loss of one's deck chair on a particularly windy day.
These and many more can be found on Easter Is Cancelled, the latest album by UK based semi-Comedy Rock band, The Darkness. As you can tell by the artwork above (a huge improvement on the horrible cover from Pinewood Smile), this is an album by a band that aren't ready to take themselves or the musical genre they're so adept at producing seriously any time soon. Much like their last two albums, there's a healthy blend of songs with silly lyrics about mundane British life and absolute bangers with heavy riffs and furious solos.
Album opener and lead single "Rock And Roll Deserves To Die" is definitely the latter, as the song's built around multiple acoustic guitar melodies before charging into a thundering post-chorus riff paired with Justin Hawkins' trademark screeching falsetto. Lyrically, it's grandiose and the subject matter of the song is hardly one to treat with sincerity (especially since the band full-on backpedal on their decree by the album's final track, "We Are The Guitar Men") but it's not designed to have you tittering to yourself like a fool. Hell, nothing on this album is, really.

Compared to the last album that had songs about the terrible UK train service and wanting to have sex with the mums of the younger fans, the humour on this album is a little more subtle. Sure, there are straight up hilarious lines such as "None more Metal, elegance and grace, we make sweet love to Hammer Smashed Face" ("Heavy Metal Lover") but the majority of the humour comes from lines like "You've bitten off more than you can chew, I hope my heart was a tasty hors d'oeuvre, You don't wanna hug, You need the Heimlich manoeuvre" ("Choke On It"); a bizarre but perfect blend of clever rhyming and lyrical structure to make an absolutely ridiculous point.
Ordinarily, I'd compare Rock music with a comical tone to the bigger bands that have dominated the Comedy Rock scene such as Spinal Tap and Tenacious D but I honestly feel like a far more fitting comparison for this album would be mid 70s Queen. No, the vocals aren't as strong as Freddie's and the guitar riffs aren't as classic as Brian May's but the tone of the album feels almost exactly on par with records such as A Night At The Opera. Songs with great melodies and poetic lyrics sandwiched between Arena Rock anthems designed to make the crowds go fucking crazy.
The riff-based piledrivers such as title track "Easter Is Cancelled" leave a great lasting impression and the melodic rockers such as "We Are The Guitar Men" have great repeat value. The sillier songs such as "Deck Chair" are probably the weaker entries due to being focused primarily on the humorous lyrics over the music but at least they make for a great listen once or twice before the joke wears thin. However, the biggest flaw of the album is that they saved some of the best songs for the Deluxe Edition such as Folk number "Sutton Hoo", a punchy little number telling a story about aliens visiting an Anglo-Saxon ship in the past (totally something Brian May could've written).

Easter Is Cancelled is an absolute joy to listen to. Hard Rock belters full of explosive action, catchy acoustic melodies for the music enthusiast in you to enjoy and plenty of mild chuckles along the way; it's basically the musical equivalent to a well-made superhero film. There are a couple of mediocre Rock numbers that are easily forgettable ("Heart Explodes", "In Another Life") but nothing that's bad or poorly made. However, these songs could've and should've been replaced by at least one song that was a bit meatier; maybe a Hard Rock chugger about vampires of Rock or something.
Whilst it doesn't exactly push any boundaries or showcase the band's willingness to experiment like I expected them to, any band that can write and produce a Queen album deserves credit. I rate the album 8/10 (same as Pinewood Smile) and would've given it a 9 if the band decided to include all 14 songs on one album instead of trying to milk fans for more cash. Yes, I still think criticising bands and penalising albums for releasing Deluxe Editions with new music is justifiable, deal with it.

Fear Inoculum - Tool

The day has arrived. Fans have been waiting what feels like an eternity for new material and it's finally here! That's right, it's a brand new blog post from me!

Before Tool decided to pull their heads out of their arses and bring their music to iTunes/Spotify, I didn't really have a strong opinion of them. I knew three of their songs through Guitar Hero and thought they all sounded kinda repetitive, like each song had a great riff but the band didn't know what to do with it other than milk it until the raw teet was producing nothing but dust. It was only after listening to their back catalogue earlier this month that I realised that's the majority of Tool songs; a great 5-6 minute song with five minutes of unnecessary droning around it.
Fans of Tool will be delighted to know that Fear Inoculum, their first album in 13 years, continues the trend of songs going on far too long to the point that the band reach Josh Homme levels of pretentiousness without showing the necessary technical proficiency to justify 15 minute Prog Metal odysseys about the number seven ("7empest"). But let's look at the positives first, shall we? For kick off, album opener, lead single and title track "Fear Inoculum" is easily the best song on the record.
It may be 10 minutes long and only six of those are worth listening to but the eerie delayed riff, build up of each instrument and fantastic bass (a staple of the best Tool songs thanks to Justin Chancellor/Paul D'Amour) are perfect for fans of their previous albums and newcomers introduced to the band due to their sudden willingness to be heard by actual people alike. It should also be noted that regardless of musical taste, this album is clearly the band's artistic vision; flawed and uncompromising like all great works of art should be, even though I'm sure many diehards were already hitting the message boards with rants about Maynard Keenan selling out after they posted their music online.

However, even the most incandescent, red-faced fan pounding their keys in rage over the disappointment of this album would have the makings of a solid argument if they used the words "tedious", "pompous" or "dull" in the midst of their frothing tirade. It doesn't matter if you love Prog Metal or not, this album is hard work to listen to. To actually sit through all 90 minutes actively listening to a band musically masturbating with the same drawn-out, simplistic melodies recycled and reworked you've heard by the fourth track requires the kind of discipline most monks who vow to spend their lives in celibate silence strive to achieve.
One sign of the band's obvious self-importance comes in the form of multiple soundscapes acting as interludes between the longer, Proggier tunes ("Litanie contre la Peur", "Legion Inoculant", "Chocolate Chip Trip", "Mockingbeat"). It's bad enough when bands flood albums with pointless 40 second tuneless wankfests - looking at you, Slipknot - but these tracks range from two to almost five minutes in length. They could've written actual songs that last that long but instead put their creative and musical talents into minimalist nonsense.
A great example of an album utilising short interludes to act as bridges between tracks is "FX" from Vol. 4 - Black Sabbath. After "Changes", a piano ballad about dealing with a break-up, you need a short breather before returning to roaring Heavy Metal in the form of "Supernaut". However, not only is "FX" less than two minutes long but it's also placed between two tracks that are worlds apart from each other in tone and sound. To the casual listener, every song on the Tool album sounds similar enough to not warrant the pointless procedurally generated audio files that take up 14% of the album.

The remaining 86% consists of tracks containing interchangeable strum patterns to atypical time signatures ("Descending"), multiple endings to extend an already padded song length ("Invincible") and the occasional great riffs that trick you into thinking a song is good because the band were clever enough to use them at the start and end ("Pneuma"). It's commendable that the band refused to bow to the temptations of a commercial sounding record in a time where once respectable Rock bands have decided to pair themselves with Pop producers but ultimately, it's a tough album to get into and definitely not one I'd lose sleep over if I never heard again.
For people who enjoy listening to albums as an immersive experience where they shut the curtains and seal themselves off from the rest of the world to take in the majesty of the music, this album might be pretty good. To everyone else, nothing on the album stands out as exceptional. Title track aside, the music is forgettable and nothing you haven't already heard from Tool already. I rate the album 3/10 largely for the ambition and effort. Sure, there are some musical highlights like the four-minute guitar solo that's intricately composed and not horrible to listen to but when it's encased in a 15 minute track, you're unlikely to want to listen to it again.
Much like anal sex, I recommend listening to Fear Inoculum at least once as an experience. You may find that you're more into it than you previously assumed but it's more likely that you'll not get anything out of it that you couldn't get from other places. Be warned though, you should only give it a go if you're in the right mood and can stomach pure shit.

The RARRAMAMSPAs 2019

It was a smashing success last year so I'm bringing it back again, it is....
The Riffs And Raffs Rock And Metal (And Maybe Some Pop) Awards!

Since this is the second time I'm doing this, there'll be similarities and differences between the RARRAMAMSPAs from 2018. Namely, the award categories will contain a blend of old and new, as some categories may not apply as effectively to the last year's music. Once again, I feel it's necessary to remind you that these awards aren't meant to be taken seriously (just like every single awards show in the history of awards shows, yada yada yada) and that my opinion on albums I rate highly in this post might change throughout the course of the year.
With that in mind, let's celebrate a slight improvement over 2017's musical banquet!


The "Boston Zeppelin Through The Night" Award for
BEST ROCK ALBUM
The album I valued the most that belonged to the Rock genre, including various subgenres such as Southern Rock, Hard Rock and Shoegazing. It does NOT include Metal, Pop and their subgenres.
And the nominees are...
Prequelle - Ghost
Living The Dream - Slash, feat. Myles Kennedy & The Conspirators
Used Future - The Sword
Living The Dream - Uriah Heep

And the winner is...

Prequelle - Ghost for being the single greatest album I've listened to in a long, long time. Some may call this a Metal album but to me, it rides the line between Rock and Metal in a way that can include the better aspects of both genres...hence, it counts!


The "Screaming For Powerslave In Peace" Award for
BEST METAL ALBUM
The album I valued the most that belonged to the Metal genre, including various subgenres such as Hair Metal and that's about it. It does NOT include Rock, Pop and their subgenres.
And the nominees are...
Firepower - Judas Priest
Thunderbolt - Saxon
The Sacrament Of Sin - Powerwolf
Used Future - The Sword

And the winner is...

Prequelle - Ghost for being the SINGLE GREATEST ALBUM I've listened to in a long, long time that contains aspects of Rock AND Metal so fuck you, it wins this one as well. Go listen to Prequelle and tell me I'm wrong. If I had to pick one from the list above to win, I guess it'd be The Sacrament Of Sin - Powerwolf for being a very close runner-up though.


The "Sgt. Pepper's Thriller Sounds" Award for
BEST POP ALBUM
The album I valued the most that belonged to the Pop genre. Pop albums may contain songs with a Rock twist or be recorded by Rock bands so long as it's very clearly a Pop album.
And the nominees are...
Simulation Theory - Muse
Attention Attention - Shinedown
Some Generic Noise - A Sexy Glistening Womanhole
Breathy Acoustic Moaning - A Sexy Pouty Manboy

And the winner is...

Well it's fucking Prequelle - Ghost, isn't it? Who cares about Pop albums on this blog, fact of the matter is Prequelle was the best album of the year. It was so good that an album traversing three different musical genres deserves three separate awards for doing them so perfectly. Out of the albums on the list above, I guess Attention Attention - Shinedown is the best although it really stretches the definition of Pop. Then again, so does Prequelle so feel free to give your own personal award to whichever you think deserves it the most although if it's not Prequelle, I'll be very disappointed.


The "Generation Lulu Or Bust" Award for
MOST PATHETIC ALBUM
The album that could've been decent (or maybe even great) if the band got their shit together and one or more members didn't absolutely phone it in. It's anyone's game in the genre department and once again, you're in the wrong part of the Internet if you want to read about Pop.
And the nominees are...
Simulation Theory - Muse
Post-Apocalypto - Tenacious D
Anthem Of The Peaceful Army - Greta Van Fleet
The Music Made Me Do It - Ted Nugent

And the winner is...

Post-Apocalypto - Tenacious D, hands down. Greta Van Fleet have only released EPs so a disappointing first album isn't quite as pathetic as a fourth record by a band who very clearly rushed the songwriting process to whack something out before the end of the year. The same can be said for Muse, a band familiar with releasing poor albums, and Ted Nugent, an artist who hasn't fallen from the mountain of grace so much as tumbled off a footstool. Mind you, Ted Nugent was very close to winning this one if not for Tenacious D's utter failure.


The "Tyranny And Caress Of Miracles" Award for
MOST UNDERRATED ALBUM OF LAST YEAR
The album from 2017 that deserved some love in last year's RARRAMAMSPAs but took me an entire year to realise it. Rock and Metal albums only in this post, as I don't think any Pop albums are underrated (especially not modern ones).
And the nominees are...
The Mission - Styx
About Time - Horisont
The Knight Of Rebellion - Dream Troll
From The Fires - Greta Van Fleet

And the winner is...

About Time - Horisont. Maybe if Anthem Of The Peaceful Army wasn't so mediocre, From The Fires would've taken this win. However, an album that immediately grabbed me and encouraged me to check out more of the band is definitely one that should've been featured in last year's blog post...although it still probably would've lost to Pinewood Smile - The Darkness.


Now onto the awards for musical moments!


The "Planet Classic Blabbermouth" Award for
BEST NEWS STORY
This award goes to the news story that I'm most proud of bringing to you. The story that I think has the best details and most imaginative series of events that totally happened.
And the nominees are...
Bruce Springsteen Finishes 148 Hour Concert
Kirk Hammett To Face Pedal Abuse Charges
Led Zeppelin Are Not Touring Or Recording New Music
K.K. Downing "Still Upset" Over Starbucks Argument

And the winner is...

Led Zeppelin Are Not Touring Or Recording New Music. I like all of these articles but every time I see a tweet about Jimmy Page's new interview or something like that, I'm always reminded of this universal, evergreen article. The Bruce Springsteen one is a close second, mind.


The "Number Of Flames With Rock Of The Night" Award for
BEST RIFF
This award goes to the song with the most awesome riff played on guitar in 2018. Any songs from the Rock, Metal and Pop genre are eligible although let's face it, Pop ain't winning no riff competition. As for which riffs I'm counting (as many great Rock songs feature at least 3 distinguishable riffs), I'm mostly looking for riffs that carry the song's main melody rather than decent ones used sporadically throughout the track
And the nominees are...
"Firepower" - Judas Priest
"Dance Macabre" - Ghost
"Fire And Forgive" - Powerwolf
"Rats" - Ghost

And the winner is...

"Rats" - Ghost. They are REALLY cleaning up tonight, huh.


And finally


The "Master Of Sex Magik...But Who's Buying" Award for
PEOPLE'S FAVOURITE BLOG POST
This award goes to the Riffs And Raffs blog post written/posted in 2018 that had the most views, even if it wasn't my personal favourite or even best piece of writing. Yes, this award might be a little self-congratulatory but fuck it, this is my BBQ so I get to choose the meat.

And the winner is...

Rapid Fire: Motorhead, David Bowie, Tom Petty with 3097 views!
Again, most (if not all) of these are probably bot/spam so if I had to guess, the post with the most actual views is probably this one after I asked people to read it on Twitter. Anyway, numbers!!


Before I finish up, I just wanted to say a few final words regarding blog post plans for the upcoming year.
Over the last couple of years, I set myself the challenge of writing at least one blog post a week (or an equivalent average) to keep my mind focused and my writing talents alive. However, fans of this blog will probably know that most of the blog posts I submitted in 2018 were all done in the last week of the month, hastily typed up just to meet the quota for the year. This was mostly because I was busy with other commitments but I also think it's because I didn't really have a lot to write about towards the end of the year, particularly when Rock/Metal news stories died down and album releases weren't as common.
As a result, I've decided to reduce the amount I'll be posting on this blog.

Don't worry, I'M NOT STOPPING!

I still intend to post album reviews, periodic Here Is The News satire pieces and everything else I usually write. I just won't be posting them as often. There are two main reasons for my decision:
Firstly, whilst I still enjoy writing certain blog posts, I felt that rushing out four posts in a week because I'd left it so late due to lack of inspiration throughout the month didn't result in quality writing. Sure, some of the posts were great but towards the end of the year, I felt like I was scraping the barrel a little. I'd rather write a blog post that I'm proud of after a brilliant idea comes to me than whack out filler posts for the sake of it.
Secondly, people close to me know that I want to get into screenwriting as a profession and I've always told myself that until I can actually get my shit together, writing blog posts helps me improve and keeps me actively doing the thing I want to do for a living. Unfortunately, after some introspection, I feel like I've been using that as an excuse to not pursue my dream. I've set myself the goal of actually writing and submitting a proper script this year (which is coming along nicely, by the way) so I'd rather dedicate my writing energy to that over a series of blog posts about which songs I like in Guitar Hero/Rock Band games.
As I said up above, I WILL STILL BE SUBMITTING BLOG POSTS THROUGHOUT THE YEAR although I'm not going to put a number on exactly how many I intend to write or when I intend to write them. In the meantime, if you want to hear me casually talk about music you can always follow me on Twitter (where I'll be sharing new blog posts) OR check out my Twitch streams where I play Clone Hero and other video games, frequently discussing music and other topics.

Well then, now that that's out of the way, let's try to enjoy 2019 before it's too late!

Tenology: My Ten Favourite Rock/Metal Songs Of 2018

Well, here we are again. End of the year which means it's time to look back at all the new albums and singles I've enjoyed throughout 2018 and present them in a list of no particular order. That's right, this is NOT a "Top 10" post where the first or last song in the entry is the greatest song of the year, nor is it a ranking list of my favourite songs after listening to every Rock/Metal album released. There will be omissions and there will be no real reason for putting the ten songs I've picked in the specific order listed below, other than "because I wanted to do it this way".
Fortunately, I'll probably cover those omissions in a 2020 blog post in a similar manner to the one I'm planning for early 2019 where I'll be looking at songs from 2017 that I really enjoyed yet didn't listen to until some time in 2018. Got that? No? Too bad. One last thing before I start: I've included a Spotify playlist at the bottom of this post so you can listen to all the songs I've rated (honourable mentions and all!) whilst reading about why I liked them. It's also an opportunity for you to hear songs I really liked and would recommend in case you missed them. Right, let's do this!


1. "When The Curtain Falls" - Greta Van Fleet

When I reviewed Anthem Of The Peaceful Army a couple of months ago, I was largely indifferent to the majority of the songs due to how disappointing it was in comparison to the band's EP From The Fires. However, there were some songs I really liked and my favourite had to be lead single, "When The Curtain Falls". Great riff, shrill vocals and catchy melodies throughout, not to mention a decent solo to play us out. If you liked From The Fires but haven't listened to Anthem Of The Peaceful Army yet, you're probably better off listening to this song and maybe a handful of others instead of the whole album. Personal taste will depend on the other songs I'd recommend but regardless of what you're into, I'll always recommend this one.


2. "Firepower" - Judas Priest

Another song from an album I reviewed on the blog; don't worry, there'll be some tracks I haven't discussed before here too. The latest Judas Priest album was essentially a love letter to fans of the band's earlier material, combining good aspects of Painkiller, Screaming For Vengeance and British Steel with a modern twist. "Firepower" is a great title track and album opener with awesome riffs and fantastic vocals, exactly what was needed to remind fans that the band could still kick ass. There were other belters on the album too and who knows, maybe you'll see a few more in this post...


3. "Venom Of Venus" - Powerwolf

I only just finished writing about The Sacrament Of Sin, a great Power Metal album that contains a load of great tunes with heavy riffing and mild solos. However, for an album that's strength lies in its melodic nature, "Venom Of Venus" was the track that got me invested more than any other. The vocals steal the show, although the rest of the band bring the thunder too. However, I was also tempted to include "Fire & Forgive", "The Sacrament Of Sin" or "Fist By Fist (Sacralize Or Strike)" on this list too, although I feel like this song will stick with me longer than those.


4. "Fuchsia Machu Picchu" - Joachim Cooder

...who? Yeah, I heard this song on the radio one day and loved it. Great thumping rhythm, nice vocals, funky riffs and mystical accompaniments. I guess this is more of a Rock song than Pop, although it's probably the closest thing to Pop on this list. I haven't listened to any other songs by Joachim Cooder but if I hear something else by him/them (?) that I like, I'll be sure to check more tunes out. Until then, at least we've got this strange little number that I bet none of you ever expected to see on this list.


5. "Miasma" - Ghost

I'm mixing the formula up a bit by putting my number one favourite song of the year (from my number one favourite album of the year, as reviewed here) at the midway point of the post, rather than at the end like the last two from 2016/2017. This instrumental is fucking great and just goes from strength to strength as the song progresses. By the three minute mark, the song's taken off and before you know it, there are solos played on not just guitar and synth but also a fucking saxophone. This Metal instrumental finds a way of making a saxophone solo sound badass and for that reason alone, it deserves a spot on this list.


6. "Necromancer" - Judas Priest

Hey, look at that, Judas Priest showed up again! Revisiting some of my favourite songs from 2018 (a list that previously had about 30 different tracks in it), I tried to give songs by a wider variety of artists a chance but at the end of the day, I found myself enjoying multiple Judas Priest tracks over ones by Shinedown and Saxon. Whilst "Firepower" is probably my number one favourite off the album, "Necromancer" is a very close second. The faster tempo in the verse to give the song a driving rhythm is great and come on, if there's one thing Judas Priest knows how to do it's write awesome themes for their own mythological characters.


7. "Firewalker" - King Zebra

This was another song recommended to me that I ended up loving. Granted it might be a little similar to some of the others on this list (you can tell I definitely have a specific taste!) but when a band I've never heard of gets my attention as fast as King Zebra did with this song, I know they're worth mentioning. Fortunately for them, their song was great enough to earn a place on the full list and not just the honourable mentions so if you like NWOTHM, check this song out!


8. "Sugar Cane" - Slash, feat. Myles Kennedy & The Conspirators

This song nearly didn't make it in the list! I completely forgot about this album until I started writing the post and after revisiting a few tracks that I remembered enjoying, I found myself wanting to come back to this song over all the others. Awesome Slash riffs, fantastic Myles Kennedy vocals in the chorus and a vibe that makes it sound like the perfect song to fucking jam to in a live gig. There are some other decent tracks on the Slash album too (that I mention in my review found here) but "Sugar Cane" is probably my favourite from it.


9. "Whatever" - Thundermother

Another new song that I heard on the radio once and forgot about for a while until revisiting all of the year's best tunes. Imagine if Halestorm were just a little bit better musically and you've got "Whatever" - Thundermother. You get the same raw vocal talent but with the added benefit of better solos, percussion and general song structure. It's a shame that Thundermother seem to be going through somewhat of a tempestuous period with changing lineups and whatnot but fingers crossed the lineup from this album sticks around for some time!


10. "Rats" - Ghost

I mean, you should've seen this one coming. Even if "Miasma" is my favourite song of the year, "Rats" is a very strong second best from Prequelle. I've talked about the track before but in short, it's got everything needed to make a perfect anthematic Rock song. If you read this blog, you must've heard the song by now. You must know that I fucking love this song and album so it's no surprise that it's on this list.

What MIGHT be a surprise are some of these honourable mentions (in alphabetical order):


"Book Of Thoth" - The Sword

I thought the latest album by The Sword was OK (review here) and had several tracks I was considering for the coveted spot of an honourable mention here. However, in the end, I went with "Book Of Thoth" for containing the heavy riffs I associate with The Sword and some interesting guitar playing too. It's a more memorable song than some of my other favourites from Used Future but it's not quite as good as the tracks listed above. At least not to me, anyway.


"Dance Macabre" - Ghost

Got to fit Ghost in one last time (go fucking listen to Prequelle). Whilst "Miasma" and "Rats" are worthy of a place in the main list, I felt like I couldn't justify three Ghost songs when there were other tracks that needed a place too. Sadly for "Dance Macabre", that meant one song had to be an honourable mention and this ABBA-esque Hard Rock tune drew the short straw. Don't get me wrong though, I still love the track and would recommend it without a moment's hesitation.


"Flame Thrower" - Judas Priest

Yup, same situation with Judas Priest. I liked Firepower and multiple songs on the album grabbed me in an incredibly pleasurable way but I couldn't put three songs off it in the list, hence "Flame Thrower" ending up here instead. I think it was easier moving this song here because I'm not really into the intro that much but once the percussion comes in, everything gets much better.


"Grazed By Heaven" - Uriah Heep

Definitely my favourite song from Living The Dream and probably the most accessible track to casual fans of the band, since it has the Hard Prog sound of guitar/organ harmonies. However, it also boasts some great lengthy solos too so if you only listen to one song from the album, make sure it's this one...which will probably happen anyway, since it's the album opener and lead single.


"The New Day" - Greta Van Fleet

The last song in the post and it's another repeat band! I may have been a bit frosty to their recent album but damn, I love this song's main riff. It's like a glorious blend of early Rush and peak Led Zeppelin...and then the vocals come in. They're so fucking bad in this song, they remind me of Steve Smith from American Dad (played by Scott Grimes) when he does a pained, high pitched scream. Those vocals can work in Hard Rock tracks but when you've got a more Folksy, acoustic-guitar driven melody and softer percussion, you need more delicate vocals. If I could travel across the multiverse and find a version of this song with identical music but someone more tactful than Josh Kiszka behind the mic, this song easily would've made the main ten.

That's it for 2018! I hope you've enjoyed what I've offered on the blog and will (hopefully) continue to offer throughout 2019 too!
Happy New Year to everyone who gives a shit about that sort of thing and see you all in January!

Tenology: Weak Remixes from Super Smash Bros.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has taken up a lot of my time this month so I thought I'd better write a blog post about the music throughout the series. However, since I've already written about some of my favourite Smash Bros. remixes in the past, this blog post is dedicated to some of the less impressive tunes made specifically for games in the Super Smash Bros. series.
Yes, even though the majority of songs are great, there are a couple of tracks that either contain Axls or just completely get it wrong. I've also added a few tunes that might be good but could've been even better if they just changed a few things around, since there aren't a huge amount of terrible Smash Bros. tracks.


1. Tal Tal Heights - Legend Of Zelda (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

This track probably should've been on Bridge Of Eldin but meh, Pirate Ship's fine I guess

I like the Tal Tal Heights theme but boy, was I disappointed with this remix. First of all, the synth and electronic sound effects make it sound like it belongs in Star Fox, not Legend Of Zelda. Second, the actual tune from Tal Tal Heights features in a very small portion of the actual track. Most of the melody is the standard Legend Of Zelda theme reworked and some jazzed up key changed bollocks. Overall, it's not a great tune for those who were looking forward to hearing a proper remix of Tal Tal Heights compared to the naff 8-bit original.


2. Main Theme (Metroid) - Metroid (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Easily the best Metroid stage in Smash...although Frigate Orpheon's good too

I've started this blog post off with some of the better bad remixes, if that makes sense. The Rock version of the Metroid theme contains a pretty sweet guitar solo, an appropriately used synth melody and a great arrangement throughout. However, there is one glaring Axl that prevents it from being a song I frequently listen to in-game; that cringe-worthy vocal intro. "SAMUS IS UNDER FIRE! SHE'S SENT AN EMERGENCY DIRECTIVE! JOIN THE FIGHT!". Oh man, it just sounds so out of place and unintentionally dorky. It ruins an otherwise awesome rerecording.


3. Magicant / Eight Melodies - Earthbound (Super Smash Bros. for 3DS/Wii U)

Still beats New Pork City!

I've never really cared for the Smash Bros. remixes of Earthbound music, although I've never given much time to the original music from Earthbound either. However, despite being a cute little stage, Magicant contains one of the more boring tracks to fight to in Smash Bros history. Smiles And Tears isn't that much better but this definitely feels like the less interesting track, especially when you consider that better remixes of Earthbound music to fight to DO exist! This stage needed a more upbeat track, similar to how Temple contained the spicy Fire Emblem tune as well as the slower Zelda one.


4. Flat Zone 2 - Mr. Game And Watch

Feed 'em to the lions!

The original Flat Zone melody from Super Smash Bros. Melee was kooky and neat for the odd stage but this shrill, awful attempt at using Game & Watch sounds to create a catchy melody is fucking terrible. You know how Mr. Game & Watch has that loud, annoying phone ringing noise as two taunts? Imagine that as a whole song but with some bland musical accompaniments thrown in too. Yeah, you're better off with the various Dr. Mario remixes here.


5. Rosalina In The Observatory / Luma's Theme - Mario

So many great tracks missing from this stage...

Ready to stop caring about what I have to say? Here goes: I don't like Mario music. The Ground Theme, the Underwater Theme, Super Mario World music, I don't like any of it. Consequently, I was really excited to hear great tunes from Super Mario Galaxy on this stage...until they ruined this one. I like the original versions of Rosalina In The Observatory from Super Mario Galaxy, even when they become grander and grander after obtaining more stars throughout the game. However, this remix sounds TOO grand and over the top. The use of brass for the main melody makes it sound like circus music rather than a cosmic waltz, although I can't fault them for trying to make the original music more appropriate for Smash Bros.


6. Pac-Man (Club Mix) - Pac-Man

Rest in Peace, Pac Maze

Just...why? Why does this tune exist? We already have a great Pac-Man remix, why does it need a Club Mix? OK, they needed two tunes for the Pac Maze stage in the 3DS Smash Bros but you had the Pac-Man's Park / Block Town tune that would've worked a hell of a lot better! Maybe they just wanted another melody that contained iconic tunes from the original Pac-Man but they could've done better than a shitty Club Mix, although perhaps I'm biased due to my musical taste.


7. Saria's Song / Middle Boss Battle - Legend Of Zelda

Another Zelda entry? Pfft, and I call myself a fan!

I've talked about how Smash Bros keeps awkwardly blending great tunes from The Legend Of Zelda with boss battle themes and it Never. Sounds. Good. Song Of Storms was great until Ganondorf's Theme was shoehorned in, Ballad Of The Goddess was awesome until Ghirahim's Theme was pointlessly crammed in and now Saria's Song, a lovely tune that sounds pretty naff in this remix alone, has been tainted by the synthy mess of the Middle Boss Battle theme from Ocarina Of Time. Just a truly shit piece of music.


8. Freakyforms: Your Creations, Alive! Medley - Freakyforms

Rest in Piss, Miiverse

There are some great little Nintendo titles to pick music from (still waiting for some Professor Layton tunes, even if Nintendo don't necessarily own the rights to a game that has only ever appeared on Nintendo consoles) but this definitely isn't one of them. It sounds like a worse version of the music from Tearaway but at least it improves a little once the guitars come in. It's just a shame that to get there, you have to listen to plinky plonky noise totally out of place on a Smash Bros fighting stage.


9. Main Theme (New Super Mario Bros.) - Mario

Yup, new Mario Bros music fucking sucks

Remember earlier on when I talked about how much I hate music from Mario Bros platformers? Yeah, this is a good example of why. Ignoring the silly sound effects and boring instrumentation, the thing I hate most about the music in New Super Mario Bros. (and other variants) is the "BA-BAAA" vocals throughout. A bunch of original Mario tracks in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U contain these annoying little vocal "BA"s and I fucking hate them. I don't know why, I just can't stand them and hate the songs that contain them. Fortunately, it's easier for me to convince people that this tune sucks because the rest of the music isn't great either.


10. The Roost - Animal Crossing

Oh hey again, Sonic and Lucario!

Whilst it's not godawful like some of the remixes on this post, The Roost doesn't belong in a Smash Bros game. In fact, even the game's director (Masahiro Sakurai), when commenting on how music for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was chosen based on how good they are to fight to, cited The Roost as a piece of music that didn't fit the gameplay...and yet it was brought back for Super Smash. Bros Ultimate! It's a nice tune to listen to but if it had to have some use in-game, it should've been used as part of a medley or during a rest section in the game's Adventure Mode or something other than a stage track.


COMING SOON: Probably a blog post about my favourite pieces of music from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, although not until the new year.

The Music Made Me Do It - Ted Nugent

Did you know that Crazy Ted Nugent released an album this year? Yeah, he took a break from ranting about politics and generally being a trashy person to make some music again. Now we're all here to see what I thought of it!

If there's one motto I try to stick to whenever reviewing or discussing outspoken individuals in the world of Rock/Metal, it's "Judge a person by their personality and a musician by their music". In other words, regardless of how big a tosser or saint someone is in real life, your opinion of that person shouldn't affect your enjoyment of their craft as an artist. It's OK to like an album by a dickhead or, vice verse, hate an album by a genuinely decent person. However, it's always nice when the stars align and you can talk about how terrible an album by a piece of shit is...sadly, this isn't necessarily one of those times.
The Music Made Me Do It (which is probably going to be Ted's defence when he's arrested for shooting black people in a few years) is as bland and lacking in originality as you'd expect a 2018 album by Ted Nugent to be but unfortunately, it doesn't reach the point where as a casual critic you feel like you can justifiably rip it to pieces. It's got some solid riffs and solos here and there, almost certainly enough to get the average Rock fan's foot tapping along to several songs. A good example of this is the album opener and title track, "The Music Made Me Do It". It kicks things off with a bang and proves that Ted can still play guitar to a decent degree.
Not only that but the improvements in modern recording technology make the music sound cleaner and the riffs stand out more, something Ted was presumably happy with instead of choosing to put in the effort to make the material sound raw and untamed like his earlier records. Funny how Ted's willing to change with the times in some areas, huh. Anyway, the positives don't stop there. There's a good amount of musical variety for those who like slower acoustic ballads that still Rock ("Fred Bear") and faster Blues Rock numbers that maybe should've lasted a little longer ("Bigfundirtygroovenoize"), not to mention standard Hard Rock songs we've come to know Ted Nugent for ("Where Ya Gonna Run To Get Away From Yourself").

However, as I mentioned earlier, the lack of imagination in some of the songs really is telling. Ted's choice to write shorter Blues Rock tracks that rely on repetitive lyrics and riffs ("I Love Ya Too Much Baby") feels more like he couldn't be bothered to come up with a full-length track so chose to whack out generic boogie-woogie rather than spend a couple of extra hours penning a proper song. This might sound like I'm being too judgemental but when you factor in the fact that Ted's straight up copied his previous material on multiple occasions, the argument suddenly becomes a lot stronger.
Oh yes, Ted has absolutely phoned it in after realising that being out of the game for so many years tends to dry up the well of creativity. "Cocked, Locked & Ready To Rock" might sound familiar to fans of his earlier work because it quite literally copies the riffs, structure and even vocal melodies for "Stormtroopin'", a much better song from his self-titled debut that doesn't contain lyrics like "It's time to make a stand, it's time to put a gun in your hand", and tweaks them just enough to justify calling it a new song. Then there's "Backstrap Fever", a rerecording of "Cat Scratch Fever" but with altered lyrics, a slightly faster tempo and more refined riffing. Admittedly, this does result in a better song than "Cat Scratch Fever" though.
Finally, the album closer "Sunrize Fender (Fender Bass VI Solo)" is an extended version of the previous track, "Sunrize", but with different instrumentation. "Sunrize" is a great Rock instrumental that would've been the perfect album closer whereas "Sunrize Fender (Fender Bass VI Solo)" should've been a bonus track on the regular or special edition. However, since it's track 10 on a 37 minute album, it implies that Ted wanted it to be a proper song on the album. If he extended some of the shorter tunes and maybe added one or two more songs, it wouldn't have been an issue but this feels cynical. Either Ted couldn't be bothered to write more music or he was simply unable to, resulting in a smaller package that lacks the same power as contemporary Hard Rock records.
Basically, what I'm saying is Ted Nugent can't do a lot with his little package.

The Music Made Me Do It answers all of the questions you could possibly want to ask about a new Ted Nugent album. Ted can still play guitar and he knows how to write a passable Hard Rock song, although he can't keep all of his idiotic politics out of his music ("I Just Wanna Go Huntin"). He also still can't write music with any real depth to it or lasting appeal aside from good riffs/technically proficient solos. Fans of his earlier material might like some of the tracks but all in all, the album doesn't do enough to convince me that Ted Nugent should keep writing music. His best work already exists and anything else he comes out with is either generic or a rehash of his better songs from the late 70s.
I wasn't expecting a magnum opus, since Ted's claimed that this album basically came about through jam sessions, but it could've done with more time in the oven before being served. I rate it 4/10 but if Ted put more effort into some of the material, maybe it could've been a 6...or maybe the music is subconsciously making me think that Ted Nugent's mediocre work is actually great and that his politics are spot on, although I doubt that.

COMING SOON: A blog post about ten anti-Mexican and pro-arming our nation's children songs!

Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Hurrah, it's finally here! The Spyro the Dragon remake/remaster + that did a much better job of recapturing the pure joy of the original trilogy whilst improving on it for a 21st century audience than the N. Sane Trilogy did for Crash Bandicoot. I could talk about small but significant gameplay tweaks and how the handling feels spot on (for the most part) but that's not why you're here. You're here to hear my verdict on the game's soundtrack!

Originally composed by Stewart Copeland, the music for the first three Spyro The Dragon games was magical and, at times, a little abstract. Rather than focusing on catchy melodies and hooks in the same way that platforming video games of the time were adept at, Copeland instead built the music around a few distinct tunes reworked across several different areas and focused on a more ambient feel to suit the level's environment...although that's not to say he didn't also compose some bloody catchy melodies now and then.
Unlike my three-part look at the music from the N. Sane Trilogy, I intend to write a much longer blog post looking at the overall highs and lows of all three games. In other words, a review. I'm reviewing all three rerecorded soundtracks in one post whilst also making comparisons to the original where appropriate. My main reasoning for this is that unlike the N. Sane Trilogy where the game's soundtrack needed a more in-depth look to accommodate for the various changes made to certain tunes, Toys For Bob (the trilogy's developer) have tried to remain faithful to the original sound, even going as far as to re-enlist Stewart Copeland to help with the arrangements.
So with that in mind, let's take off!

Before this game came out, I went back to the original soundtracks for all three Spyro games and had a good listen to some of my favourite tracks to remind me about what I loved so much about Copeland's score. What impressed me most was how Copeland gave each game a distinct sound whilst still retaining the feel of a game series about a spunky purple dragon travelling across magical realms on heroic adventures, starting with 1998's Spyro The Dragon. The music sounded magical yet was recorded with primarily Rock instruments; heavy bass, various guitars, pounding percussion, organs galore. Sure, there were touches of brass and strings here & there, but the highlights were often tracks with a wide-eyed sense of wonder about them (Dark Passage, Magic Crafters Home) or a bit of a punch to them (Terrace Village, Haunted Towers).
One year later and Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage (or Gateway To Glimmer depending on your region) was released. More Spyro action with even more ambitious music, containing all the same tropes from the original game whilst taking on various styles from all over the world. Starting with Glimmer, you can tell that Stewart Copeland still had plenty of creative steam left but right after that, you get levels like Colossus and Hurricos; the former utilising some neat Gregorian chanting on top of the guitar melodies whilst the latter perfectly balances heavier, mechanical sound effects on top of a simplistic background score. Each piece of music perfectly suits the level, whether it's the Arabian flair in Scorch or the bustling, futuristic sound of Metropolis.
Finally, we have Spyro: Year Of The Dragon (my personal favourite game AND soundtrack). I don't know if it was the need to make Spyro seem edgier to the 00s generation of gamers but the music definitely took on more of an Industrial tone in this game. Some of the first levels you play contain music fit for Matrix-inspired parkour videos like Cloud Spires and Molten Crater, not to mention the sharply more aggressive boss battle themes. Even the more familiar tunes like Sunny Villa and Frozen Altars have an unmistakable edge to them but as mentioned earlier, the soundtrack is still that of a Spyro game. The organs and heavy bass are still there, although they had to share the spotlight with computer-generated sound effects.

I may not have adored the music from the original Spyro trilogy but I definitely enjoyed the majority of tracks from each level (although I strongly dislike Sgt. Byrd's theme) and there were certainly some pieces of music that I would listen to on repeat where possible (Harbour Speedway, Scorch and of course, the incredible Credits theme to name a few). Listening to those pieces of music in the Reignited Trilogy was a mostly enjoyable experience although there were a couple of times where I had to flip the sound settings to "Original" instead of "Reignited" simply because I felt like Toys For Bob had completely fucked up the rerecordings. This is where my doubt about whether I liked the new music came in.
Fans of the original source material are always going to have the nostalgia factor weighing down their judgement so even though I prefer 100% of the original versions of songs I loved from the Spyro trilogy, most of the music that I was happily comfortable with but never religiously fanatic about sounds just as good (if not a bit better) in the Reignited Trilogy. Instrumentation is largely identical to the point that I was genuinely unsure if I'd left the settings on "Original" or "Reignited" a lot of the time and listening to each track in HD on YouTube whilst writing this review really does the enhanced soundtrack a lot of favours, although they still made the same mistake Vicarious Visions made with the N. Sane Trilogy in not whacking the bass up to 11 or beyond.
Every other observation about the game's soundtrack could be considered a positive or negative depending on your personal music tastes, e.g. the fact that Toys For Bob developed the trilogy as one game so the graphics, gameplay engine and soundtrack all feel the same across all three remade titles. The subtle changes in the original trilogy's soundtrack seem obvious in comparison to the differences between the rerecordings but again, this is probably only going to affect the purists who avidly listened to the original music and would gladly fork over half their paycheck to have the original collection on vinyl if that were possible.

Overall, the Reignited Trilogy's soundtrack reflects the game; newcomers will love it for its incredible charm and creativity whilst those who grew up with the originals and played them all to 337% completion repeatedly will always choose the classics over the remakes, even though they'll still enjoy the remasters a hell of a lot. If I had to rate the entire trilogy's soundtrack, I'd probably give it a 8/10 for doing the originals justice although still making a few fumbles along the way...like the Fracture Hills rerecording. I mean, it's just...the fuck were they thinking?!

Simulation Theory - Muse

Well this is a first. I'm reviewing a straight-up Pop album!

If there's one thing Muse can do with their music, it's conjure feelings of nostalgia and thoughts about how good music used to be; thoughts like "Remember when Muse used to be a Rock band?" and "Remember when Matt Bellamy's ego was in check?". Simulation Theory is the tragic return to everything that sucks about Muse after the promising dead cat bounce that was Drones. Instead of great riffs on guitar/bass, we get synth-driven toss. Instead of dynamic anthems perfect for arena gigs and radio play for an audience of hungry young Rock fans, we get electronic drumbeats and noise made on some coffee-stained hipster shit's laptop.
Looking at the positives first, album opener "Algorithm" has some decent instrumentation and kicks things off in typical grand fashion for Muse. The electronic sound of the drums, bass and string accompaniments set the tone for the rest of the album too so if you like the song, you'll probably get some joy out of the record. However, for fans who can still remember when Muse wrote songs like "Hysteria", "Supermassive Black Hole" and "Knights Of Cydonia" that actually rocked, this harbinger of the band's switch back to electronic garbage teased in The Resistance and actualised in The 2nd Law won't fill you with any hope.
That's probably the biggest flaw with the album. You can argue that Muse not writing Rock songs is good or bad and that their reliance on 80s nostalgia (right down to the album cover that's more on-the-nose than an army of blackheads) helps or hinders the record but even if you choose the pessimistic route with both of those opinions, you must accept both of these things can work if the music is good and serves a decent purpose. The music and lyrics about hope and fighting back against arseholes in power are supposed to be inspiring for the millions unhappy with the current system but here's the kicker; they fuckin' ain't. A stadium Rock band releasing mainstream Pop is as inspirational as a series of flatlines in a coma ward.

The majority of tracks either resemble a dystopian Sci-Fi's cynical pastiche of what "future music" should sound like or the incidental score of a film/TV show desperate to remind people that 1980s synth music existed. However, there are some positive aspects. "Pressure" is the token fun song with catchy guitar riffs and vocal melodies, much like "Panic Station" on The 2nd Law (which was also the third track on that album too; totally not coordinated at all) and even some of the mediocre or annoying tracks contain elements that could've worked if used properly, like the gritty slide guitar riffs in the laughable Herbie Hancock nightmare "Propaganda".
Muse have acknowledged that this album was heavily inspired by music from the 80s so the Depeche Mode drumbeats ("Blockades") and John Carpenter synth ("The Void") are present without any attempt to mask them. It's admirable that Muse at least attempted to make the material sound unique to them instead of just flat-out copying another band's style but they would've been better off continuing in the direction they were headed with Drones or, at the very least, blending the 80s Pop aspects with heavier Rock ones. Instead, they end up sounding like Coldplay ("Thought Contagion") and Indie Pop bands found exclusively on the iPhone of an Instagram celebrity ("Something Human").
I rate the album 2/10. It doesn't inspire you to rise up against fascism (and if it does, where the fuck have you been for the last two years?!), it contains a collection of music that fails to stick with you unless you love electronic Pop, it sounds like Matt Bellamy regurgitating the same old lyrical shit he's been peddling for over a decade and it does 80s Pop music a disservice by dissecting it for the sole purpose of stapling the still-twitching parts to modern wank like a Frankenstein's monster you actually want to be burnt alive. Regardless of which way you shake it, Simulation Theory is a complete failure.

Post-Apocalypto - Tenacious D

What's this? I'm posting a blog post at the START of the month instead of three days before the end of it when I'm knackered and almost passing out, frantically trying to think of one more thing to include in a Here Is The News post before I go to bed? That's right, because people who leave things to the last minute always suffer as a result and speaking of leaving things too late...

From this album's announcement to its eventual release, I've been worried about Post-Apocalypto. The album cover is fucking awful, the track-listing looked like a worse version of the debut containing more minute-long snippets than actual fleshed out songs like Rize Of The Fenix and let's face it, concept albums are rarely ever a good thing. With each week, we were "treated" to an episode of Tenacious D's hit & miss web series containing skits and music included on the album but none of it filled me with anticipation. Today, the album was finally released and my God, it is absolutely terrible. It is a piece of shit and if you've never heard any Tenacious D before, you owe it to yourself to avoid this album like the fucking plague.
For starters, the album opener and (I guess) title track "POST-APOCALYPTO THEME" is a 37 second repurposed riff that was originally written for "Rize Of The Fenix" only to be scrapped in favour of a much better verse/chorus structure. That's how they're opening their fourth album; scraps off the cutting room floor that they couldn't even be bothered to turn into a full song. From here, it only gets worse. The concept album dealing with a nuclear holocaust caused by Trump is 50% dialogue excerpts and 50% songs both from the YouTube series, each track having an average length of about 90 seconds. The entire length of the album is just over half an hour, about two minutes longer than Reign In Blood - Slayer.
Tenacious D's last album came out in 2012, six years ago. This album took them six years to make, just let that sink in for a bit. Six years for a rehashed title track and half an hour of mildly amusing comedy taken from about 76 minutes of much funnier material in the YouTube series. You can't even claim that they needed extra time to animate the YouTube shorts because they're largely based around still images knocked up in Microsoft Paint. It's the equivalent of having the entire summer holiday to complete a school project only to realise that you've left it until the day before term time begins to do anything, forcing you to ask your parents to do it all with you...or in this case, Dave Grohl.

Despite each song being written by Jack Black and Kyle Gass, many tunes sound like terrible Foo Fighters filler tracks with their slower tempos and dull, uninspired riffs ("TAKE US INTO SPACE", "WOMAN TIME") and the ones that do sound more like Tenacious D songs are generally piss poor. The lyrical themes are trite without the humour to carry it off ("COLORS", "ROBOT") and the few tracks that contain promising riffs or have a couple of funny lyrics are either too short or not strong enough to redeem the rest of the album ("DADDY DING DONG", "MAKING LOVE"). However, even the better songs have fatal flaws in the grand scheme of things.
Concept albums with a narrative, like this one, should have exactly that; a narrative. If you haven't watched the YouTube series from start to finish, I think you'd genuinely struggle to understand a lot of what was happening. The overall plot is there but there are large gaps that have to be filled in by a knowledge of the YouTube series. When I discussed the previous three Tenacious D albums on the blog last year, I claimed that the music on The Pick Of Destiny doesn't carry enough of the film's story for you to understand everything that's happening but the main difference between The Pick Of Destiny and Post-Apocalypto is that The Pick Of Destiny is more of a soundtrack to the film; there aren't tracks on that album dedicated to the narrative, it's all just music. Here, the album is expected to tell a story but utterly fails.
Instead, we get a few previews of dialogue taken directly from the YouTube series that often aren't as funny due to jokes being edited down and context being completely absent, featuring multiple different characters all seemingly voiced by Jack Black. It might have been better if they could've got some other voice actors involved (Hell, even Kage would've done) but at least the scientist and Terminator voices were fun. I also approve of the band firmly stating their political policy, although all being anti-Trump does is confirm that you're not a complete cunt. Pointing out that the guy's going to get a lot of people killed with his stupidity isn't anything new or original, it's like dedicating an entire album to the idea that we're made up of bones.

If I had to describe Post-Apocalypto in a word, it'd be Lazy. They phoned in the music, they phoned in the story (notice how the ending to both the YouTube series and the album are fuckawful), they phoned in the artwork and they made us wait half a fucking decade for it. It's a bad album and a weak concept album that could've been improved if it contained a story about Tenacious D journeying across a post-apocalyptic wasteland with songs about everything that could potentially cause an extinction level event; a song about aliens, a song about global warming, a song about nukes, a song about war, a song about volcanic eruptions, a song about overpopulation tied into having lots of unprotected sex, I mean JESUS this shit should write itself!
I rate the album 3/10 and that's me being generous. The band still play properly and I didn't hate every second of it. The fact that a couple of lines made me smile now and then have earned it an extra point but honestly, this could still be one of the worst albums I've ever listened to. It may only be 30 minutes long but those 30 minutes could be spend watching an episode of a sitcom or reading a comic book or having a difficult fucking wank, anything other than listening to Post-Apocalypto. I also wouldn't recommend seeing Tenacious D live if it's going to be an acoustic gig, as you know they'll be playing the shite off this album on their next tour.
It might be entertaining with the whole band if they try to tell a story on stage (and the band definitely put on a hell of a performance when it's more than just Jables and Kage) but seriously, it pains me to say that The D screwed up. Oh well, we can always enjoy their fifth album in 2023 that will probably be a return to form in an attempt to win back favour with everyone who wanted this Comedy Rock band to release Comedy Rock.

Rapid Fire: King Crimson, Rob Zombie, Horisont

I know I said I was gonna do Living The Dream - Uriah Heep in a Rapid Fire post but that can wait; we've got three albums with spooky looking album covers to discuss, starting with this Proggy waste of time!

1. In The Court Of The Crimson King - King Crimson

I've always found this album cover to be kinda off-putting so it definitely belongs in this Rapid Fire post, especially if you imagine the contorted face of horror is reacting to a spooky ghost or something. I'll tell you something else as well; this album is NOT an easy find online. However, after searching for each song, I listened to the entire thing and can confirm that I absolutely wasted my time. This album is shit. It's worse than shit; it's long, drawn-out, pretentious, tedious, over-inflated, noisy shit. However, if there's one type of shit it isn't, it's pointless shit.
Whilst I despise every song on this godawful record, from wacky album opener "21st Century Schizoid Man" to horrific masturbation "The Court Of The Crimson King", it's a necessary evil in the world of music because this turd masquerading as "art" inspired a myriad of much greater albums and bands. Hell, it arguably created the Prog Rock genre; we have Yes, Genesis, The Moody Blues, Jethro Tull, Dream Theater, Rush, all manner of great bands who had the sense to realise you could make something long-winded and grand without sounding like something made when university students program laptop AI to make a 50 minute album.
This isn't one of those albums that you must listen to before you die; you get nothing out of it, presumably the reason why so many critics who should know better claim it's such a great album. If you don't feel anything, you're probably not getting it which means you're a stoopidhead so you better praise it to give yourself credibility. I wouldn't recommend In The Court Of The Emperor's New Clothes to anyone as it's nothing more than a misfire that happened to give us a great musical genre. If you do like this album, good for you. I don't think worse of you for liking this but nobody should think better of you either.

1. 21st Century Schizoid Man

2. I Talk To The Wind

3. Epitaph

4. Moonchild

5. The Court Of The Crimson King

ALBUM RATING - 1/10

2. Hellbilly Deluxe - Rob Zombie

This is probably more appropriate for a Halloween themed blog post, due to the deliberately scary album cover and music based off classic Horror films. This was Rob Zombie's first solo album after White Zombie and whilst the music still contains his typical sound of growling vocals, heavy riffs and thunderous percussion, Hellbilly Deluxe is definitely more of an Industrial record than Astro-Creep: 2000 or La Sexorcisto with more emphasis on synth-effects and repetitive structures than guitar solos and other traditional Rock aspects.

The album starts off with its three singles: "Superbeast", "Dragula" and "Living Dead Girl", immediately setting the tone and putting its best foot forwards with three completely different yet consistently heavy tracks. Once these have finished, the album continues to knock down doors with its fine-tuned, well-crafted Dance Metal but by the second half of the record, you'll notice some of the tracks start to drag a little (despite being under five minutes long). It's always the risk when writing an album containing variations on the same song over and over again but at least the song this album is based off is a good one.
Hellbilly Deluxe has some great songs all contained within the first half but the entire album is perfect for background noise, particularly at Halloween parties or similar environments. This is essentially Rob Zombie's shtick; heavy Industrial Metal without complexity featuring old Horror film audio snippets and growling vocals, each track carrying a name that sounds like a Goosebumps title or alcoholic beverage served exclusively at a bar where you have to cover your lid if you want to make it home that night. If you like that kind of music, you definitely won't hate this album although I think anyone would be hard-pressed to love it unless this music truly is their jam.

1. Call Of The Zombie

2. Superbeast

3. Dragula

4. Living Dead Girl

5. Perversion 99

6. Demonoid Phenomenon

7. Spookshow Baby

8. How To Make A Monster

9. Meet The Creeper

10. The Ballad Of Resurrection Joe And Rosa Whore

11. What Lurks On Channel X?

12. Return Of The Phantom Stranger

13. The Beginning Of The End

ALBUM RATING - 6/10

3. About Time - Horisont

You might see this album cover and think this is a NWOTHM album containing music similar to Iron Maiden and Anthrax but you'd be dead wrong! Despite having a somewhat creepy looking cover, it's actually a modern album by a Swedish group inspired by 70s bands such as Thin Lizzy, UFO, Rory Gallagher and Blue Oyster Cult. The album's relatively easy going despite containing such a striking cover but even though they arguably stumbled at the very first hurdle, the rest of the record is a fantastic listen.

Album opener "The Hive" starts off a bit slow and gentle for a Rock album but when it gets going, my God does it get going. Great riffs, awesome vocals and perfect use of electric piano accompaniment to give us a top quality tune (even if it does rip-off "MacArthur Park" at one point in the solo). From there, the album pumps out great music that resembles an army of Frankenstein's monsters from 70s Rock bands, ready to get your foot stomping and head nodding. We get softer songs with an acoustic flair that break into something faster paced ("Letare"), fun tracks that blend the grand riffing of Queen with the galloping rhythm of Eddie Money ("Boston Gold") and a longer, more progressive title track that brings the album to a quiet close.
Recently, I criticised the Greta Van Fleet debut for sounding like a poor attempt at copying the Led Zeppelin sound. The difference between an album like Anthem Of The Peaceful Army and About Time can be summarised by this quote from Wilson Mizner: "If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism. If you steal from many, it's research". Greta Van Fleet's music was entirely driven by skin-deep comparisons to one band whereas Horisont have taken the best aspects of a whole variety of artists to craft something that sounds distinctly theirs. I definitely recommend this album to fans of Classic Rock, although don't expect anything as heavy as Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin or the like. It still rocks but not enough to bring the house down; just a couple of loose pictures here & there.

1. The Hive

2. Electrical

3. Without Warning

4. Letare

5. Night Line

6. Point Of Return

7. Boston Gold

8. Hungry Love

9. Dark Sides

10. About Time

ALBUM RATING - 8/10

COMING SOON: Posts about the music from Spyro The Dragon...and maybe The Police.