Here Is The News: July 2018 Edition

We're back with more totally real news that hasn't been fabricated for comedic effect!

NEW ERIC CLAPTON GUITAR PEDAL SLAMMED FOR OFFENSIVE DESCRIPTION

Iconic guitarist Eric Clapton has come under fire this week for releasing a guitar effects pedal with a description fans and musicians alike have described as "shocking", "inflammatory" and "uncalled for". The description for the guitar effects pedal, named the "Smokey Lightning Fingers" pedal, reads "If you want to sound as electric as Slow Hands, you want this specially crafted guitar pedal that gets the job done without sounding too loud or aggressive". It goes on to say "Mr Clapton personally oversaw construction of the pedal and has given it his personal seal of approval".

Fans have criticised the pedal's description due to being far too outrageous for the kind of music they'd associate with Eric Clapton (pictured left), many of which took to Twitter to voice their opinions on the pedal's blurb. Some tweets by users who have been left anonymous include "I can't believe Eric Clapton allowed something so forceful to be attributed to his name. 'You want this'? Uhhh, anyone else getting sick of white guys telling us what we want?! #Boycott" and "Have you seen this new guitar pedal's description? 'Electric'? What year is this, is Clapton back on the coke?"

Fans weren't the only ones upset about Eric Clapton's new guitar pedal; musicians also took to Twitter to voice their distaste over the wording of the product. Joyless, generic Indie Pop outfit Braids posted from their account "I may not non-ironically listen to anything from before 2002 but I know that Eric Clapton clearly didn't consider the feelings of the easily upset before giving his 'seal of approval' to this peddle [sic]". Braids also blasted Clapton on stage at a gig in London to nearly two dozen people waiting for a better band to turn up.

In response to the viral outrage over yet another musician trying to do something harmless for their fans, audio equipment company TC Electronic have chosen to withdraw Clapton's guitar pedal from their online shop until further notice. When asked for comment, TC Electronic's spokesperson stated "The last thing we want to do when selling products is hurt anyone's feelings. After all, pushing boundaries and challenging established beliefs isn't what Rock is about; Rock is about playing it safe and appealing to as many demographics as possible, no matter how sensitive or previously indifferent".

Eric Clapton posted on his FaceBook page shortly after the news of the pedal's removal from the online shop dropped. The status update read "milk bread. order milk and bread. order milk an dbread online. how to odrer milk and bread online. best milk for back pain. how to you tube. www.youtube.com www.youtube.com duck videos". About twenty minutes later, Eric's daughter Kelly posted an update on her FaceBook page on behalf of her father that read "My dad is one of the most kind-hearted people on the face of the planet and would never knowingly cause such an outcry...well, apart from that time he reaffirmed his views about Enoch Powell and immigration in 2007. Apart from that, he's a good guy, I guess".

NEW TRAILER FOR ELO BIOPIC RELEASED

A brand new trailer for Out Of The Blue, a biopic about the band Electric Light Orchestra, has been released and is rapidly gaining attention on YouTube and social media. The film tells the exciting, emotional and action-packed story about Jeff Lynne, Roy Wood and the Electric Light Orchestra's career from the early 70s to present day with a splash of drama added to make the biopic more entertaining for general audiences, followed by gallons upon gallons of drama vigorously emptied on top in the hopes that it will earn an award along with a bunch of cash.

Roy Wood and Jeff Lynne (pictured left) were the founding members of the Electric Light Orchestra and are played by Jack Black and Chris Pratt respectively in the biopic. Some fans have criticised the casting but after seeing the pair in action in the two trailers, the general consensus is that the film will be nothing short of perfect. According to the film's director, the band's biography contains very little in the way of high-octane drama or heated conflicts that can be exploited for entertainment purposes so certain elements of the film had to be ever so slightly exaggerated if not completely fabricated.

The trailer featured the moment in which Jeff Lynne came up with the initial idea for the band's signature song after getting beaten up by street gangs and being left for dead in an alley, staring up at an absolutely spotless blue sky. It also boasted an impressive mash-up of some of the band's biggest hits such as "Don't Bring Me Down", "Hold On Tight" and "Turn To Stone", not to mention a superb use of "Evil Woman" during a scene in which Roy Wood and his wife indulged in an incredible, emotional night of passionate arguing.

When asked about why a large portion of the film's trailer appears to have nothing to do with the reality behind the band's history in a recent interview, the film's director stated "Sometimes, you have to supercharge the less interesting moments of a band's career. It doesn't matter if the story behind a band's most iconic song isn't that significant because the people filling up the cinema seats? Those fucking cattle? Those popcorn munching dipshits who went to see a film version of a band's rise to fame instead of watching factual TV interviews or, God forbid, reading up on it? They don't care about the truth; they care about emotional drama in a nostalgic backdrop so they can forget about how shit their lives are for two hours in a dark room surrounded by similar weepy idiots. Now what time does this interview start?" followed by 40 minutes of extensive backpedalling.

Out Of The Blue releases in two months time and is expected to perform favourably at the box office, despite being released alongside Cancer Babies, a gritty heartbreaking drama about hard-done-by women giving birth to infants stricken with cancer in the 70s...and the North.

KIRK HAMMETT TO FACE PEDAL ABUSE CHARGES

Metallica guitarist, Kirk Hammett, has been arrested on suspicion of abusing his wah-pedal for the last 35 years. The entire Metal community has rallied together to ensure Hammett is brought to justice for the way he's treated his guitar pedal during every one of his guitar solos ever since "Hit The Lights", not just the first song Metallica ever wrote and recorded together but also the first alarm bell that Kirk's wah-pedal was being abused.

Once news of Kirk's arrest was made public, Metallica posted a response on their website reading: "Whilst Kirk Hammett will always be part of the Metallica family, we in no way condone abuse and are sorry to any fans we may have offended due to our inaction over Kirk's continued abuse of his wah-pedal. We should have intervened when he kept his foot down on it during the "Dyer's Eve" solo and we definitely should have done more than simply masking the signs of abuse by fading out during the "Fade To Black" outro. From the bottom of our heart, we apologise to the entire Metallica family".

Hammett's crimes were only brought to the police after a coordinated effort by members of the Metallica dedicated fan forum, WeHateMetallica.net. A thread entitled "Anyone else find this a little disturbing?" that detailed multiple examples of abuse recorded on Metallica's albums in a supercut on Youtube rapidly gained steam, attaining over 200 posts within 24 hours. Many posts listed further examples of Hammett abusing his wah-pedal although the majority of posts by Metallica fans resorted to criticising Lars.

The Dunlop KH95 Kirk Hammett Signature Cry Baby wah-pedal (pictured right) is one of many victims that's dealt with Kirk's abuses over the years. In fact, after some research, devoted fans on WeHateMetallica.net uncovered video interviews where Kirk Hammett actually admitted to abusing up to three different wah-pedals simultaneously whilst recording the band's recent album, Hardwired... To Self-Destruct. However, after years of raising funds to hire a prosecutor, the fans were finally able to put together a case against Hammett. Forum mod MoProckzz posted "For too long now, effects pedals have felt Hammett's boot pressing down on them. With all of this evidence we've assembled, we're hoping that justice will finally be done" shortly before three pages of posts talking about Metallica haven't been a real band since ...And Justice For All.

The various effects pedals used by Hammett have been confiscated and taken to a local guitar technician to check for serious injuries although case notes shared on the forum seem to indicate that the trauma is more emotional than physical. One thing's for certain though: it'll be a while before Kirk Hammett abuses a guitar pedal again...at least a couple of months when the band go back on tour.


More news coming next month!