Here Is The News: June 2018 Edition

How do we all feel about the Here Is The News title? Good? Yeah? Great, I'm keeping it.
Last month, I told you guys about the exciting events happening in the Rock/Metal community with the promise of keeping you updated in subsequent months whenever something newsworthy occurs. Thankfully, it's been an eventful month in the world of Rock/Metal but fear not; I've picked the three biggest stories to report on for your eyes so if you're sitting comfortably, it's time for the news!

OZZY OSBOURNE ALBUM PASSES AWAY

After 29 years of being available in record stores and online, the Ozzy Osbourne album Ozzymandias has died and is no longer available anywhere, even if you already owned it. The 1989 LP was considered a career highlight and the news of its passing has shocked fans all over the world, especially when they tried listening to their copy of Ozzymandias only to discover all evidence of the album's existence is no longer with us.

It's believed that the album passed away peacefully in the early hours of the morning although an autopsy needs to be carried out to ensure that drugs weren't involved in the same way they were during the album's conception. Ozzymandias contained nine tracks featuring an album cover that had Ozzy Osbourne dressed in an extravagant costume and hit singles "The Crucifix" and "Time To Dry Your Eyes". Lyrical themes on the album included religion, insanity, romance, mysticism, literature and the Rock & Roll lifestyle Ozzy's become known for. Fans all over the world are desperately searching Ozzy's back catalogue to find even a single song that covers any of those lyrical themes.

As is often the case when a famous musician passes away, Metal celebrities have been coming out of the woodwork to offer their condolences and thoughts on Ozzymandias in a move that has absolutely no personal agenda to it. During a radio interview, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister claimed "I remember listening to [Ozzymandias] before going on stage every night for about a week, "Out Of Milk" was a personal favourite. It feels like a part of me has died alongside this album" before promoting his new autobiography audiobook. The band Anthrax also updated their website to include an obituary for the album, claiming that "Ozzymandias was a true inspiration for our music from 1990 to today".

Ozzy Osbourne (pictured right) was asked to comment on the news of his album's demise. Ozzy stated "I remember very little of the recording sessions for that album but I'm told that I was quite good!" During the interview, Ozzy went on to say that he regrets not playing more (or any) songs from the album on his live tours. He also claimed that he hopes his fans will remember the good times had when listening to his music, all the while turning back to a nodding Sharon Osbourne for confirmation before continuing with the next sentiment.

Ozzymandias may be gone but it certainly isn't forgotten. Work has already begun on recreating the album through the magic of holographic technology so that fans can once again enjoy the experience of owning it. Holographic projectors are being installed in all major record stores and hopefully by February next year, fans can purchase portable projectors so they can take holograms of the album home with them for the low price of £1299.99, which is just slightly more than the deluxe version of the album's reissue from 2009.

LED ZEPPELIN ARE NOT TOURING OR RECORDING NEW MUSIC

Led Zeppelin are a band that formed in the 60s and released many iconic Rock albums during their career. However, at the time of writing this blog post, Led Zeppelin have not announced a new tour or the news that they're recording brand new music so this article (and pretty much every article about the band that doesn't announce a tour or new music) is completely pointless.

Recently, the band announced that they're re-releasing their 1976 live soundtrack album The Song Remains The Same (pictured left) for their 50th anniversary. However, a live soundtrack re-release is not the same as touring again or recording new music so who the hell cares. The soundtrack was remastered by Jimmy Page but since he's not planning on playing new or old music on stage with the rest of the surviving band members, it's irrelevant.

The band broke up in 1980 after the death of drummer John Bonham but have reformed briefly in the past. The last time the band played live was December 2007 at London's 02 Arena and since then, Robert Plant has shot down plans of the band reforming and/or recording new music. Robert Plant has also recorded solo albums but only a fraction of people give a shit because it's not the same as Led Zeppelin touring or releasing new music, which they're currently not doing.

This is basically what the article is. This is what every article about Led Zeppelin that doesn't announce a new tour or the fact that the band are going back into the studio with new music is. Why the fuck are you still reading this, I'm not giving you any new information. Led Zeppelin (pictured right, playing live) had a great run but if they're not touring or contributing to their craft with new music, nobody cares because there are Led Zeppelinesque bands that are touring and giving us new music, like Greta Van Fleet. Those guys ARE touring and recording new music, so they're worth reading about.

Seriously, you're still reading this?! What do you expect is going to happen, I'm going to tease some kind of bullshit about one of the band members "hoping" to get back together from some ego-stroking magazine interview? Like I'm not going to lead with the possibility of Led Zeppelin touring or recording new music if I thought there was even the remotest possibility of that happening in my lifetime? No, there is absolutely nothing happening on the Led Zeppelin front at the moment. Nothing at all. Bet you're glad you read all the way to these last few sentences; was that worth two minutes of your life? You could've listened to a quarter of "Stairway To Heaven" in that time or done something other than dedicate precious thought to a band that don't give a shit about their history. Oh well, at least you smiled at this article? No? Well shit, looks like we both pissed away our time.

THAT BAND WITH THE SONG KICK OFF WORLD TOUR

The band that released that sort of popular Alternative Rock song in the 90s have announced that they're embarking on a world tour, playing all their greatest hits and a couple of songs off their new album that they quietly released last year. The band have also revealed the name of their 2018/2019 tour is the We Need More Money Now That TV Ads Have Stopped Licensing Our Singles Tour.

The tour will start with a few shows in America before playing side stages at a few festivals in the UK and then returning to America for the rest of the year. Whilst the setlist is unknown at the time of writing this article, it's thought that hit songs such as "The One With The Catchy Chorus But Forgettable Everything Else", "We Got A Female Musician To Sing In The Background Of This One" and "No, This Song Isn't By THAT Band After All" will be played along with newer songs like "We're Slightly Heavier Now We're A Bit Older" and "Cover Of A 70s Song To Gain A Bit Of Media Attention".

When asked about the tour, the frontman stated "It's good to get back on tour again, especially after our guitarist had a bit of trouble with a difficult divorce settlement. Plus, the drummer has kids now so he's constantly looking for a way to get out of the house for a lengthy period of time AND relive his past before his dreams died. All in all, it just feels like the right time for us to get back out there and introduce our melodic yet indistinct sounds to a brand new audience who love Alternative Rock, chill tunes and most importantly, hollow 90s nostalgia. I don't know if this tour would be possible without a generation of twentysomethings who've convinced themselves that the 90s were great just because things are so relentlessly shitty now".

The band (who may or may not be pictured right?) split up in 2006 after disappointing sales for their album We Didn't Adapt When We Should Have resulted in their record label prematurely ending their contract. Since then, members from the band have attempted to launch solo careers and form supergroups with members of other neglected 90s Alternative Rock bands who failed to adapt and innovate their sound in time to salvage their careers. However, neither attempt proved successful for any band member.

After a desperate few years relying on royalties from TV adverts and radio stations who don't quite understand the meaning of "oldies", the band eventually decided to get back together after seeing the rise of older bands releasing comeback albums and going on greatest hits tours around the early 2010s. Since then, they've been preparing for their opportunity to milk another 15 minutes out of the public and are currently sharing the stage at various UK festivals with other classic acts such as Experimental Synth Pop Wankers, Two Women Playing Cheesy Pop Rock, An OK Comedian With An Acoustic Guitar, Some 70s Funk Band With About 30 Members and Chesney Hawkes. Tickets are on sale now and probably will be for a while.

That's the end of the news for this month!

COMING SOON: Rapid Fire and probably a video game post.