Showing posts with label Ozzy Osbourne. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ozzy Osbourne. Show all posts

Wednesday, 11 December 2019

Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 1

It's been a while since I brought you guys a fresh, hot heaping of the music news so to make up for it, I've got a whole bunch of stories consisting of highlights from the past year. Some may be a little fresher than others but that's totally not because I wrote this all over a couple of days towards the end of the year. No, this is a proper news anthology!
Anyway, because there are so many stories to collect, I've split them across a couple of blog posts to make it easier to read (and for me to write). Here's the first; enjoy!


OZZY OSBOURNE OFFERS "MYSTERY BOX" TICKETS FOR UPCOMING TOUR

Heavy Metal revenant Ozzy Osbourne has recently announced not only a brand new album and supporting tour consisting of new and "Crazy Train" inspired material but also an exclusive style of tickets known as "Mystery Box" tickets to replace the standard kind offered with 99% of other gigs.

The new ticket system was announced shortly after Ozzy (pictured left) got his 10th entry stamp punched at Birmingham City Hospital, earning him a free colonoscopy with the purchase of anything from the gift shop. According to his website, the Mystery Box ticket entitles you to "admission to an upcoming Ozzy Osbourne show where the contents of said box will be revealed an hour before the show is scheduled to start". The box could contain a vacuum cleaner, a holiday abroad or even an Ozzy Osbourne show, but fans won't know until shortly before the date of the concert.

When asked why the Mystery Box system was implemented in favour of a more traditional system where you buy a ticket and go to see a show, Ozzy Osbourne's doctor and interim tour manager replied "Ozzy's health has to come first. At this point in time, he's in no condition to be standing on stage shouting "Come ooooon!" and "Go fucking crazyyyyyyy!" for 90 minutes". He went on to say that once Ozzy's fully recovered, he'll be able to leave the hospital and play as many shows as he can before returning to the ward.

Band succubus/manager Sharon Osbourne issued a press  release stating "Ozzy cannot wait to get back on the road again. There's nothing this 71-year old wants more than to travel all over the planet with younger and hairier musicians rambling his way through all the same songs he's been performing for decades" shortly before having to retreat into her stasis chamber in time to avoid the sunlight. The following evening, she went on to cackle Mystery Box tickets are non-refundable and that the box not containing an Ozzy Osbourne show is a risk people who purchase Ozzy Osbourne tickets on this current tour have to take (as stated in the terms and conditions printed on the underside of the box).

Whilst the Rock & Metal community are all wishing Ozzy a speedy recovery, many spectators are beginning to doubt that Ozzy will ever play a proper show again. Dr. Richard Mayhew, ageing musician specialist, recently claimed "All those years of being rad have finally caught up with him. I'd be surprised if he makes it to the end of this sentence, let alone decade". Whatever happens, at least Ozzy's still making money which will almost certainly go towards an incredible headstone.


WARM-UP ROCK BAND BREAKS UNWRITTEN RULE

An up & coming Rock band called Kiss The Fist have shocked audience members at their latest gig by neglecting to play a slow Bluesy number in the middle of their set. Instead of slowing down the entire pace of the evening, they continued to play enjoyable Rock music to the horror of everyone attending the show.

The UK band were warming up for Collective Soul (not pictured left) with a series of energetic Hard Rock tracks, each containing catchy riffs and well crafted solos. However, after three songs and scattered applause, the band continued with another heavy riff-based Rock number in favour of a slow-tempo smokey B-side. Initially, fans weren't bothered as nobody knew the exact setlist of the gig, not even the bassist. Panic among the crowd only set in after Kiss The Fist (possibly picture left) exited the stage, making it painfully clear that the band had no intentional of bringing the lively atmosphere down with a tepid Blues track at all.

Audience members were outraged, some tweeting "Uhhhh, where's the unnecessary Blues Rock song, guys?" and "I CAN'T BELIEVE  I PAID GOOD MONEY NOT TO HEAR A 5 MINUTE BLUES TRACK! I DEMAND A REFUND AND AN #APOLOGY" but most others showed more restraint and a better understanding of how to use hashtags.

When asked about the evening, Collective Soul vocalist Derek Soul (pictured somewhere) stated "I had no idea they were going to pull such an offensive stunt. Everyone knows that the lengthy Blues Rock song on the warm-up band's setlist is there for a reason. When else are people going to casually talk among themselves or go for a pint & a piss? We apologise to everyone who attended the show and hope this doesn't dissuade you from remembering our stuff from the 90s like "Heavy" and "Shine"". Derek went on to mention "Gel" too.

Kiss The Fist have been unavailable for comment but sources close to the band believe the Blues Rock filler was omitted due to time constraints and what can only be described as "a fundamental lack of having a Blues song in their discography". As for whether this excuse will stand up, only time and Wikipedia will tell.


WORLD'S FIRST PROCEDURALLY GENERATED ROCK BAND CREATED; MUSE OUTRAGED

Computer programmers and musical scientists have joined together to create the first artificial intelligence capable of writing and playing Rock music to an acceptable degree of quality. Developed over the course of eight years by leading scientists and musical theorists, Artificial Interface Capable Of Making Rock Music (or AICOMRM for short) was unveiled to a crowd of tech and music journalists approximately four hours before one of the programmers thought of a much better acronym.

According to cynical but invested bloggers, the aim of AICOMRM is to "expand the human understanding of awesome Rock songs in a needlessly expensive and probably self-destructive way". However, according to the developers, AICOMRM will give humans insight into undiscovered melodies and help expand creativity by giving us all the answers before we can discover them ourselves. Whilst many trendy intellectuals are excited by this breakthrough, some refuse to be as happy.

Composers of the Impending Apocalypse and occasional Rock band Muse are among those who are both alarmed and infuriated by the invention of AICOMRM. When asked about their stance on procedurally generated Rock music, frontman Matt Bellamy replied "I hate it. It's so insulting that people are giving so much attention to artificial Rock music now when we've been making it for over a decade. When an algorithm generates simplistic, uninteresting guitar riffs that sort of sound like existing Rock riffs and a bunch of noisy synth shit over the top, everyone goes crazy but when we do it, the Internet can't bitch quick enough".

Matt Bellamy (pictured right and centre) went on to say that in their quest to experiment and push artistic boundaries, Muse opted to release procedurally generated music instead of traditionally crafted Rock songs for their 2009 album The Resistance. Despite being met with criticism, Muse decided to continue this trend with the albums The 2nd Law, Drones and Simulation Theory, allowing them to focus their creative efforts on elaborate stage shows and building various robots designed to bring things to Matt Bellamy such as guitars and blunderbusses.

AICOMRM is expected to release its first album within the next year and Muse are expected to boycott it. It's unknown whether it will rebel against its creators and decide to exterminate all Rock music off the face of the planet like the way these things usually go but bookies are currently operating 5-1 odds on "We're all doomed". When asked about his thoughts on the future of mankind after the invention of AICOMRM, Matt Bellamy commented "I have absolutely no opinion on this".


[INSERT BAND HERE] UNHAPPY ABOUT [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'S USE OF THEIR MUSIC

Once again, [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] has used a song from the 1970s in one of their campaign videos or tours and yep, you guessed it, the band whose song it is aren't happy in the slightest. No sir, they definitely aren't peachy about this one. Hoo boy, this sure is one humdinger of a situation right here.

The [INSERT BAND HERE] song was something to do with adversity or not giving up or maybe even something about being powerful and (get this, right?) it transpires that the political party of [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] didn't actually clear the use of the song with [INSERT BAND HERE] first. They just went ahead and used it to further their own political party. Can you imagine that?! This isn't the first time this has happened either, it's a right catastrophe! There's no way for anyone to prevent something like this happening at all. Nope, absolutely nothing anyone can do...or is there?

[INSERT BAND HERE] have taken strong steps to ensure a horrific crime of art and selfishness like this never happens again. [INSERT BAND HERE] have written an incredibly strongly worded letter to [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] along with a statement on their official Facebook page condemning the use of [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] in [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'s rally.

The statement reads "We, the members of [INSERT BAND HERE] did not approve of or grant permission for [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] to use our song, [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE], during their latest political rally. We do not agree with his politics and do not wish for our music to be associated with him or his political party. We ask that [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] refrains from using [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] or any other songs we've released during the course of their political career or we will be forced to take further action in the form of yet another strongly worded letter and overly formal statement on our social media page".

As for whether [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] will take any notice of this, it's literally impossible to tell right now. There is no way of knowing if [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] or indeed any other politician will use an unlicensed song by [INSERT BAND HERE] or any other 1970s band as they enter the stage during one of their political rallies, an online political video or [INSERT HILARIOUS THIRD OPTION HERE].


MOTLEY CRUE ATTEMPT WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST SUSTAINED PERIOD OF MASTURBATION

80s Hair Metal legends Motley Crue are about to enter the fifth consecutive year of collectively masturbating without any sign of actually ejaculating in the foreseeable future. The band begun their prolonged act of self-copulation in January 2014 after announcing that they would embark on a year-long farewell tour in 2015.

The band continued to publicly touch themselves by holding a press conference whereby they took part in a "cessation of touring" agreement, resulting in the formation of a legally binding contract that would prevent any and all of them from touring past the year 2015 under the name Motley Crue. After finishing their Final Tour at the end of 2015, many fans and music journalists assumed the band would finally shoot their load and disappear into the night to wash their hands and fall asleep like most people do after firing their loads. However, after appearing in radio interviews and some minor TV appearances, members of the band went on to confirm that a biopic based on the band's group autobiography "The Dirt" was in the works, suggesting that the band had no intention of releasing their gurt just yet.

"The Dirt" was released to moderate acclaim in March 2019, along with some newly recorded material by the band still vigorously flogging their dolphins for the fourth year running. When asked about whether this had any impact on the Motley Crue's brief but sudden increase in popularity around the start of the year, none of the band could comment as they were all too busy sniffing wads of cash to help sustain their bruised and blistered erections.

Regardless of whether it was due to the biopic or not, Motley Crue showed no signs of entering the vinegar strokes any time soon after they announced that they were just mucking about when they all signed a legally binding cessation of touring contract. Whilst some fans were unhappy about how much of a big deal the band made over something that turned out to just be part of their masturbation ceremony, many have shown support for Motley Crue over their ability to hold back what has to be an incredibly painful nut at this stage.

To prepare for a 2020 tour with Def Leppard and presumably at least another 12 months of intense onanism, members of the band are taking certain safety precautions such as Vince Neil (pictured above) who recently entered the hospital for hand surgery (No, I'm being serious this time. That's legitimately the reason why he went into hospital, you can fact check it and everything. I mean, this article practically wrote itself after that nugget of news hit the Internet).


That's all for part one! Stay tuned for part two sometime before the end of this decade!

Wednesday, 27 June 2018

Here Is The News: June 2018 Edition

How do we all feel about the Here Is The News title? Good? Yeah? Great, I'm keeping it.
Last month, I told you guys about the exciting events happening in the Rock/Metal community with the promise of keeping you updated in subsequent months whenever something newsworthy occurs. Thankfully, it's been an eventful month in the world of Rock/Metal but fear not; I've picked the three biggest stories to report on for your eyes so if you're sitting comfortably, it's time for the news!


OZZY OSBOURNE ALBUM PASSES AWAY

After 29 years of being available in record stores and online, the Ozzy Osbourne album Ozzymandias has died and is no longer available anywhere, even if you already owned it. The 1989 LP was considered a career highlight and the news of its passing has shocked fans all over the world, especially when they tried listening to their copy of Ozzymandias only to discover all evidence of the album's existence is no longer with us.

It's believed that the album passed away peacefully in the early hours of the morning although an autopsy needs to be carried out to ensure that drugs weren't involved in the same way they were during the album's conception. Ozzymandias contained nine tracks featuring an album cover that had Ozzy Osbourne dressed in an extravagant costume and hit singles "The Crucifix" and "Time To Dry Your Eyes". Lyrical themes on the album included religion, insanity, romance, mysticism, literature and the Rock & Roll lifestyle Ozzy's become known for. Fans all over the world are desperately searching Ozzy's back catalogue to find even a single song that covers any of those lyrical themes.

As is often the case when a famous musician passes away, Metal celebrities have been coming out of the woodwork to offer their condolences and thoughts on Ozzymandias in a move that has absolutely no personal agenda to it. During a radio interview, Dee Snider of Twisted Sister claimed "I remember listening to [Ozzymandias] before going on stage every night for about a week, "Out Of Milk" was a personal favourite. It feels like a part of me has died alongside this album" before promoting his new autobiography audiobook. The band Anthrax also updated their website to include an obituary for the album, claiming that "Ozzymandias was a true inspiration for our music from 1990 to today".

Ozzy Osbourne (pictured right) was asked to comment on the news of his album's demise. Ozzy stated "I remember very little of the recording sessions for that album but I'm told that I was quite good!" During the interview, Ozzy went on to say that he regrets not playing more (or any) songs from the album on his live tours. He also claimed that he hopes his fans will remember the good times had when listening to his music, all the while turning back to a nodding Sharon Osbourne for confirmation before continuing with the next sentiment.

Ozzymandias may be gone but it certainly isn't forgotten. Work has already begun on recreating the album through the magic of holographic technology so that fans can once again enjoy the experience of owning it. Holographic projectors are being installed in all major record stores and hopefully by February next year, fans can purchase portable projectors so they can take holograms of the album home with them for the low price of £1299.99, which is just slightly more than the deluxe version of the album's reissue from 2009.


LED ZEPPELIN ARE NOT TOURING OR RECORDING NEW MUSIC

Led Zeppelin are a band that formed in the 60s and released many iconic Rock albums during their career. However, at the time of writing this blog post, Led Zeppelin have not announced a new tour or the news that they're recording brand new music so this article (and pretty much every article about the band that doesn't announce a tour or new music) is completely pointless.

Recently, the band announced that they're re-releasing their 1976 live soundtrack album The Song Remains The Same (pictured left) for their 50th anniversary. However, a live soundtrack re-release is not the same as touring again or recording new music so who the hell cares. The soundtrack was remastered by Jimmy Page but since he's not planning on playing new or old music on stage with the rest of the surviving band members, it's irrelevant.

The band broke up in 1980 after the death of drummer John Bonham but have reformed briefly in the past. The last time the band played live was December 2007 at London's 02 Arena and since then, Robert Plant has shot down plans of the band reforming and/or recording new music. Robert Plant has also recorded solo albums but only a fraction of people give a shit because it's not the same as Led Zeppelin touring or releasing new music, which they're currently not doing.

This is basically what the article is. This is what every article about Led Zeppelin that doesn't announce a new tour or the fact that the band are going back into the studio with new music is. Why the fuck are you still reading this, I'm not giving you any new information. Led Zeppelin (pictured right, playing live) had a great run but if they're not touring or contributing to their craft with new music, nobody cares because there are Led Zeppelinesque bands that are touring and giving us new music, like Greta Van Fleet. Those guys ARE touring and recording new music, so they're worth reading about.

Seriously, you're still reading this?! What do you expect is going to happen, I'm going to tease some kind of bullshit about one of the band members "hoping" to get back together from some ego-stroking magazine interview? Like I'm not going to lead with the possibility of Led Zeppelin touring or recording new music if I thought there was even the remotest possibility of that happening in my lifetime? No, there is absolutely nothing happening on the Led Zeppelin front at the moment. Nothing at all. Bet you're glad you read all the way to these last few sentences; was that worth two minutes of your life? You could've listened to a quarter of "Stairway To Heaven" in that time or done something other than dedicate precious thought to a band that don't give a shit about their history. Oh well, at least you smiled at this article? No? Well shit, looks like we both pissed away our time.


THAT BAND WITH THE SONG KICK OFF WORLD TOUR

The band that released that sort of popular Alternative Rock song in the 90s have announced that they're embarking on a world tour, playing all their greatest hits and a couple of songs off their new album that they quietly released last year. The band have also revealed the name of their 2018/2019 tour is the We Need More Money Now That TV Ads Have Stopped Licensing Our Singles Tour.

The tour will start with a few shows in America before playing side stages at a few festivals in the UK and then returning to America for the rest of the year. Whilst the setlist is unknown at the time of writing this article, it's thought that hit songs such as "The One With The Catchy Chorus But Forgettable Everything Else", "We Got A Female Musician To Sing In The Background Of This One" and "No, This Song Isn't By THAT Band After All" will be played along with newer songs like "We're Slightly Heavier Now We're A Bit Older" and "Cover Of A 70s Song To Gain A Bit Of Media Attention".

When asked about the tour, the frontman stated "It's good to get back on tour again, especially after our guitarist had a bit of trouble with a difficult divorce settlement. Plus, the drummer has kids now so he's constantly looking for a way to get out of the house for a lengthy period of time AND relive his past before his dreams died. All in all, it just feels like the right time for us to get back out there and introduce our melodic yet indistinct sounds to a brand new audience who love Alternative Rock, chill tunes and most importantly, hollow 90s nostalgia. I don't know if this tour would be possible without a generation of twentysomethings who've convinced themselves that the 90s were great just because things are so relentlessly shitty now".

The band (who may or may not be pictured right?) split up in 2006 after disappointing sales for their album We Didn't Adapt When We Should Have resulted in their record label prematurely ending their contract. Since then, members from the band have attempted to launch solo careers and form supergroups with members of other neglected 90s Alternative Rock bands who failed to adapt and innovate their sound in time to salvage their careers. However, neither attempt proved successful for any band member.

After a desperate few years relying on royalties from TV adverts and radio stations who don't quite understand the meaning of "oldies", the band eventually decided to get back together after seeing the rise of older bands releasing comeback albums and going on greatest hits tours around the early 2010s. Since then, they've been preparing for their opportunity to milk another 15 minutes out of the public and are currently sharing the stage at various UK festivals with other classic acts such as Experimental Synth Pop Wankers, Two Women Playing Cheesy Pop Rock, An OK Comedian With An Acoustic Guitar, Some 70s Funk Band With About 30 Members and Chesney Hawkes. Tickets are on sale now and probably will be for a while.


That's the end of the news for this month!
COMING SOON: Rapid Fire and probably a video game post.

Tuesday, 13 February 2018

Tenology: Songs That Would Make Great Rock/Metal Covers

Sometimes, you'll hear a Rock or Pop song and think "Damn, that's good but it would sound so much better by a different band/in a different style". Well, here are ten cases where I thought exactly that! In the first of this week's blog posts, I'll be writing about ten songs that I believe would sound even better if tackled by another set of musicians, whether that means they'd faithfully record a rendition of the track with their signature sound OR they'd completely rebuild the foundations of the song from the ground up in a brand new style.
The songs I've picked to be covered by different bands come from a variety of genres so I'm not limiting the originals to JUST Rock or Pop. The cover versions will be Rock or Metal but I'm hoping at the very least, this post will introduce some viewers to a new way of thinking about music, potentially giving them more joy from hearing songs as they imagine riffs and melodies played on different instruments or with a new vocalist behind the mic.

It should go without saying that this is entirely based around my opinion and that at the time of writing this blog, none of these covers actually exist. This is a purely hypothetical post; a musical thought experiment that you may or may not agree with that is in no way meant to shit all over the original songs UNLESS I state otherwise. As a result, I might include covering bands that are no longer recording music or have had new members join that don't necessarily represent the sound that I had in mind when thinking about them covering certain songs. To make things easier, I've included a Spotify playlist of the original songs and examples of music by different bands that have been responsible for my opinions here at the bottom of this post which you can listen to once the sound of me forcefully scraping the bottom of the barrel has passed.

1. "Jesus He Knows Me" - Avenged Sevenfold
Original by Genesis (1991)

I don't mind the music of Avenged Sevenfold; to me, they're a serviceable modern Heavy Metal band with a few belters and a lot of angsty crap for teens BUT some of their bigger, louder hits with double bass drumming and furious guitar solos are great. To me, "Jesus He Knows Me" is a good Pop Rock song with a catchy melody but a little too light to enjoy to the max. Genesis did a fine job of gathering all the materials; they wrote some decent lyrics, played great melodies that suit the song well and did the best they could. HOWEVER, what the song needs is a more aggressive sound to really drive home the "fuck you" subtext the lyrics contain in their damning take on evangelical con artists.
I've always wanted to hear a Heavy Metal cover of this track with double bass and more complex guitar work to keep the momentum of the song going and I feel that Avenged Sevenfold could do a fine job of that (so could Disturbed, but they've already done a Metal cover of Genesis). Plus, I reckon the abrasive sound of M. Shadows' voice would fit into the vocal melody of this song quite well; it's not a challenging track to sing so it doesn't require a vocalist capable of falsetto or long sustained lines, just one who can carry a tune. All in all, I think an Avenged Sevenfold cover that maintains and then enhances the energy from the original could be awesome, so long as they're not TOO faithful to the point that they daren't add any guitar solos or frills.


2. "Love Lies Bleeding" - Rush
Original by Elton John (1973)

NOTE: If you're listening to this on the Spotify player, you'll need to skip to around about 5:36 to hear "Love Lies Bleeding"; you don't need to bother with "Funeral For A Friend".
This is one that I may need to rethink as to whether it'd be "better" than the original but I'd still be very interested in hearing Rush tackle this cracking Elton song, especially since the original Elton John track has many elements that are typical of your standard Rush track. The guitar tone sounds pretty damn similar to Lifeson's, the active bass screams Geddy Lee and I can imagine Geddy's voice, albeit adapted slightly to suit his vocal style.
The only thing that stops me from thinking this is cover would be a surefire success is the use of piano. Rush have definitely been known for using keys in their music (fuckin' "Tom Sawyer", anyone?) but to me, Rush are more synth and less piano. However, the piano solo could very easily be played on acoustic guitar, something Rush have done MANY times. Combine that acoustic solo with the full electric sound of Lifeson unchained (especially during the outro) and you may have a damn fine cover. For more evidence that this Glam Rock song would make a fine Prog Rock cover, seek out the Dream Theater cover of the same song.


3. "Oh Well (Part One)" - The Who
Original by Fleetwood Mac (1969)

This song has had a shitload of cover versions over the years but to me, there has yet to be a perfect version of this song. Even the Fleetwood Mac original has a tepid solo that sounds great the first couple of times but would be much better with more energy behind it. To me, the perfect version of this song must have the following features: clean acoustic guitar riffs in the intro, tight vocal melodies (none of that loose, freeform shit that some Blues artists do; keep the momentum going), heavy percussion during the breakdown, sweet licks during the electric guitar solo, MAYBE a second solo at the end instead of Part 2. To this date, I have yet to find a cover version that satisfies all of those criteria. So who do I think is capable of rising to the challenge? I don't know. Who do I think COULD have risen to the challenge before they lost their magic? The Who...or Led Zeppelin, but let's say The Who for now.
They've proven that they can play clean acoustic guitar riffs with songs like "Pinball Wizard" and "Behind Blue Eyes", Daltry and Townshend have demonstrated tight vocal performances across their back catalogue, Keith Moon knows how to make an entrance when appropriate and "Young Man Blues" from their Live At Leeds record shows they know how to play a kickass breakdown with plenty of great solos/riffs. Back in their prime, The Who could've blown this song out of the water but sadly, I doubt we'll ever get a perfect version of this song. At least we've had some great attempts by bands like Aerosmith, Tom Petty The Rockets and even The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra which, to me, arguably comes the closest.


4. "Brown Sugar" - Thin Lizzy
Original by The Rolling Stones (1971)

OK, I know for a fact that this would've been amazing. Much like everything The Rolling Stones released after 1970, "Brown Sugar" suffers from sounding bland and slow compared to Rock released around that time. However, the song has a great riff and catchy melodies, just played in the most bland possible way. This got me thinking about another song with fine riffs that was played in a boring, tiresome way; "Rosalie" - Bob Seger. If you've never heard his original version of that song, don't bother. It sucks. Even his live versions suck. Fortunately, a little Irish band named Thin Lizzy took the song and covered it for their Fighting album. Granted their studio version wasn't amazing either but when they played it live, as recorded for the Live And Dangerous record, my God. It was fan-bloody-tastic!
They sped up the tempo, added some fun little solos and brought the fucking fire. Lynott's voice sounds incredible too, easily worthy of carrying Bob Seger's lyrics. Now imagine them, on the same tour on the same stage, belting out a rendition of "Brown Sugar". Slightly sped up, heavier riffing, an actual vocalist who can sing performing instead of Mick Jagger, it would be better in every single way. But no, let's keep listening to the Rolling Stones version instead of a Rock song that actually, ya know, rocks. Woooooooooo bland sugar.


5. "Hello" - Shinedown
Original by Adele (2015)

I've said in the past that Chris Cornell could've sung an amazing cover of this track similar to the Disturbed cover of "The Sound Of Silence". However, that ain't happening until we can clone him from hair samples and lizards to fill in missing genetic details so it's time to find an alternative; a band that can bring the thunder with a vocalist who sounds sort of like Chris Cornell. Oh, hey, a band like that happens to exist! They're called Shinedown and yeah, they'd also do a great job with this song. Shinedown have shown that they can belt out Cornellian vocals ("Heroes", "Black Cadillac") but also take some time out to record sensitive, emotionally driven tracks that aren't really in the Rock genre ("Misfits", "Through The Ghost").
The main thing the cover would need is a strong vocal performance. The rest of the band can basically take the day off whilst Brent Smith does his work, although the piano could be covered with muted guitar chords...or just piano. I'm not certain if Shinedown's cover would be "better" than the original but I'd still give it a listen, provided Brent doesn't phone it in. This song would be a great opportunity for him to push himself, as I can't recall a softer Shinedown song where he really pushes himself to reach similar emotional heights that Adele does. However, based on their cover of "Simple Man" - Lynyrd Skynyrd, I don't think it'll be an impossible feat. Interestingly enough, Shinedown have actually covered "Someone Like You" - Adele in live concerts before!


6. "The Moon Upstairs" - Poison
Original by Mott The Hoople (1971)

Mott The Hoople are largely known for their Glam Rock singles such as "All The Young Dudes" and "Roll Away The Stone" released around the end of the band's career. However, before David Bowie got involved, Mott The Hoople were mostly a standard 70s Hard/Classic Rock outfit with some heavy tracks like "The Moon Upstairs". It's a good song but the mix is a little weak and the fuzzy guitar/organ combo means it's difficult to appreciate the riff when it sounds like it was recorded in a pub instead of a recording studio. A good cover of this song would keep the structure the same but basically have each instrument and vocal melody sound a lot clearer, so a band with decent production values would do a solid job.
So why Poison instead of any other Hard Rock/(Hair) Metal band? Even though Poison have been ridiculed lately for their lame music and weak guitarist, their covers album Poison'd has some solid covers of 70s/80s Rock tracks, each with clearer guitar without pissing all over the original material. I feel like Poison could do this song justice both musically and vocally, as I can imagine hearing the song's riffs played in their style and it doesn't sound bad. Of course, there are probably lesser known bands that would do an excellent job at covering this song but I wouldn't bet against Poison doing a solid job too.


7. "Don't Stop Believin'" - Billy Idol
Original by Journey (1981)

I've gone on record as saying that I think this song is overrated as fuck, even if that is a slightly overrated opinion. I do not get why everybody adores this song when it's easily one of Journey's weaker Rock songs BUT I will concede that when sped up slightly, "Don't Stop Believin'" becomes pretty awesome (just like "Night Moves" - Bob Seger and "Man In The Box" - Alice In Chains). I would love a cover version of this song slightly sped up but with similar guitar tones, which got me thinking about other 80s Rock artists who could take this song on...like Billy Idol.
Imagine a version of "Don't Stop Believin'" but with a little more of a "Rebel Yell" twist. Slightly faster and with softer vocals from Mr Idol during the verses. I'll admit that the chorus might sound weaker due to Idol's rougher singing compared to Steve Perry's but everything else from the guitar solos to the build up throughout the song would be great. I'm not sure if the piano intro would be better played on keyboard or a special guitar tone but I would still love to hear this version one day, especially since this is easily more likely than most of the others in this list.


8. "Billie Jean" - Ozzy Osbourne
Original by Michael Jackson (1982)

This blog post probably should've featured more Pop songs reimagined as Rock/Metal covers but since I'm not as familiar with Pop that's in desperate need of reworking compared to Rock, this is what you've got. However, I can say with certainty that "Billie Jean" would be a great Metal song if handled properly. Hell, many Rock/Metal bands have tried to record heavier versions of this song (and I'm not counting the terrible Chris Cornell version) and they're all relatively decent. However, I reckon that 90s era Ozzy could've rocked this song in a way none of those bands could've even touched.
Imagine the opening bass on rhythm guitar with subdued bass underneath, maybe some keys/synth accompaniments underneath. Then you've got the string melody played on lead guitar before Ozzy's vocals come in. It might not have been as tight as MJ's originals but you know the sound of Ozzy's voice with each lyric dripping out of his lips would've sounded pretty cool. Then we get to the chorus, which I believe would've translated really well into Ozzy's proper singing voice. Songs like "Miracle Man" and "Perry Mason" are proof that Ozzy could sing on occasion and when you factor in the inevitable guitar solo this cover would've got? I'll say no more.


9. "Antisocial" - Samson
Original by Trust (1980)

If you're not familiar with "Antisocial" - Trust, it's a French Hard Rock/Heavy Metal song from the 80s by the band that Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain used to be in. Most people will know the French original by Trust or the English cover by Anthrax (which is a little too Punk/Thrash to me) but Trust actually recorded one with English lyrics. Same music, just without all the French words...and it sucks. Well, the chorus does. Their vocals are terrible enough to ruin the otherwise decent verses and great music. With that in mind, we need a cover of this song with music as close as possible to the original and vocals by someone who can sing them properly IN ENGLISH (although the French version is fine after a few listens).
Enter Samson! Their music sounds kinda close to Trust (particularly the guitar tones in songs like "Hunted" and "Riding With The Angels") but with a different member of Iron Maiden involved. Bruce Dickinson was with Samson before he joined Iron Maiden, channelling his best Ian Gillan imitation for most of their hits. I can imagine Bruce kicking ass covering the vocals for this song before he got into his operatic phase. Then again, I think Bruce could do justice to most songs he covered, regardless of whether it's with Iron Maiden, Samson or his solo career.


10. "Bust A Move" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Original by Young MC (1989)

The last song in the list and there's actually some justice behind this choice, which I'll explain in a bit. Most of you will probably know the Young MC track but did you know that the bassline throughout the track was written and played by RHCP bassist Flea? You did? Well did you also know that he got paid a pathetic amount of money for his work on the song too, even claiming that the record label lied about how much work he actually did when it came to writing and playing the riff? My point is that even though the original will be more well known, I think it'd be pretty good to hear the Red Hot Chili Peppers play a Funk Rock version with Flea on bass again.
However, ignoring all the financial bullshit about this track, I reckon mid-90s RHCP would do a damn fine job of covering it. Their cover of "Love Rollercoaster" in Alt-Funk style was decent and tracks like "Give It Away" prove that the band aren't against quickfire rap-like vocals. Naturally, it wouldn't be a serious cover like some of these but then, neither are many other RHCP covers.


So that's it. I'm sure there are songs I've missed that would make amazing covers but that's what you're here for! If there are Pop/Rock/Metal songs that you think would make sweet Rock/Metal covers, let me know via Twitter or the comment section.
COMING SOON: More video game posts and (hopefully soon) album reviews.
Oh, and here's the Spotify playlist!

Friday, 15 July 2016

Rapid Fire: Whitesnake, Ozzy Osbourne, Anthrax

What's this? A NEW style of blog post?!
Yeah, don't get your hopes up too much. This is more of a blend of old and new partly down to an arguably lazy desire to get more album related content up on the blog in less time. Whilst I'll still do Shout Out posts about older albums or new collections of old albums, I thought it would be good to have blog posts where I discuss several all in one place, dedicated a couple of paragraphs or so to each of them.
One of the other reasons for this is that I feel like talking about albums in short, 140 character bursts on Twitter isn't really a great way to archive my thoughts about these works of art. I might still tweet about them if I'm bored/want to share my thoughts in a way that I know people will read but if you want a more in-depth view of my reaction to these albums, this is the place to be!

Speaking of Twitter, the first three albums are ones I've mentioned listening to already! You might know my summarised verdict of the albums but as I said before, I'll go into them with more detail than a tweet stream but less than a fully fledged review. Also, I don't know how I'll choose albums for future Rapid Fire posts but I'll try to keep it to a mix of old and new albums that I don't have much to say about.
Alright, let's see if this works!

1. 1987 - Whitesnake


I can't say I'm a Whitesnake fan but since I liked their Deep Purple covers album and a few random tracks off other albums, I thought I'd give their iconic album a listen all the way through. Along with containing their three biggest tracks ("Here I Go Again", "Still Of The Night", "Is This Love"), it's also a pretty decent Hard Rock album which is saying something, considering it came out in the late 80's. It's a guitar driven album, even down to the power ballads, and whilst few of the technical solos stand out, there are plenty of epic riffs to get stuck into.
The lyrical songwriting mostly boils down to your typical feast of romantic platitudes and four out of eleven songs all start with the same chord slide on guitar, making this a little bit uninspired when compared to other iconic Rock albums of the decade. However, this album does one thing incredibly well; it rocks. It's an album you can stick on in the car or at home and just enjoy all the way through, making it great in my books.

1. Still Of The Night
2. Give Me All Your Love
3. Bad Boys
4. Is This Love
5. Here I Go Again
6. Straight For The Heart
7. Looking For Love
8. Children Of The Night
9. You're Gonna Break My Heart Again
10. Crying In The Rain
11. Don't Turn Away
ALBUM RATING - 7/10


2. Bark At The Moon - Ozzy Osbourne


I knew two songs off this album before listening to the whole thing; the title track and "Centre Of Eternity", both of which I love. I was curious to see if the rest of the album could live up to that level or, at the very least, give me another reason to call Randy Rhoads overrated. Turns out this isn't the best album to support my argument as it's pretty mediocre overall. A lot of slow tracks and some very generic Heavy Metal plague this album, aside from the tunes mentioned above and "Slow Down", a song that may well have inspired some of the filler tracks on Iron Maiden's Powerslave.
Ultimately, it's not an album I'd recommend to any fans of the Golden Age Of Metal (1982-1985) as the title track/album opener sets the bar way too high for an artist of Ozzy Osbourne's quality to ever meet. It's a decent follow up to the Randy years but I'd argue that Diary Of A Madman is a stronger album as a whole. Shame, as I rate Jake E. Lee highly but it sounds like he was dragged down by the Prince Of Darkness.

1. Bark At The Moon
2. You're No Different
3. Now You See It (Now You Don't)
4. Rock 'n' Roll Rebel
5. Centre Of Eternity
6. So Tired
7. Slow Down
8. Waiting For Darkness
ALBUM RATING - 5/10


3. For All Kings - Anthrax


I was tempted to review this album on the blog but since it took me so long to actually finish the whole thing, I opted against it. The reason I chose to listen to this having only listened to two of their other albums was all because of one track; "Breathing Lightning". I love that song, even if it doesn't sound like classic Anthrax and has a pointless instrumental outro, and I was hoping the rest of the album would follow a similar suit. Sadly, the first half is mostly just aggression and unimpressive Thrash and the shining songs in the second half don't even begin to make up for the last 40 minutes or so of noise.
There are a couple of tracks that sound like a good blend of modern and classic Anthrax, which is probably good news for fans of the band. However, fans of the genre might be split down the middle. It's decent Thrash but nothing special, certainly not Spreading The Disease or even Among The Living. This might be controversial but I'd rate the former a lot higher than the latter, even if both albums are great. For All Kings doesn't even come close to either of them, but I doubt anyone expected it to.

1. You Gotta Believe
2. Monster At The End
3. For All Kings
4. Breathing Lightning
5. Suzerain
6. Evil Twin
7. Blood Eagle Wings
8. Defend Avenge
9. All Of Them Thieves
10. This Battle Chose Us
11. Zero Tolerance
ALBUM RATING - 4/10


What albums or bands would you like me to discuss next? I'm not sure what I'll talk about next week (possibly a Shout Out post) but let me know if there's anything you'd prefer.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Tenology: Songs That Sound Better When Sped Up

Bonus Post!
This is to make up for the week I missed in March and I figure you might want to read this short little post over a random video game one.

Recently, I learned that you can speed up or slow down videos on Youtube so naturally, I gave several slower songs a listen with the speed increased to 1.25x. Many tracks didn't work at all but surprisingly, quite a few songs actually sounded pretty awesome when sped up slightly.
I've created a playlist of some of these songs on Youtube but the problem with keeping track of things via Youtube (especially when it's a music playlist) is that videos get deleted quite frequently. As a result, I've chosen to list ten of my favourite sped up songs here so that I can find them again even if some prick deletes them off Youtube.
If you have any suggestions for songs that'd sound just as good (or arguably better) when sped up, let me know in the comments or via Twitter. Also, feel free to let me know if any of the embedded Youtube videos get removed and I need to replace them.

WARNING! YOU MAY NEED A COUPLE OF LISTENS TO THE ORIGINAL/SLOWER VERSIONS OF THESE SONGS IF YOU EVER WANT TO HEAR THEM THE SAME AGAIN!


1. "Night Moves" - Bob Seger
(wait until the drums come in, it sounds like The Doobie Brothers)




2. "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns N' Roses
(I finally found a way to fix Axl's voice...sort of)




3. "Man In The Box" - Alice In Chains
(less Alice In Chains, more Velvet Revolver. I love it!)




4. "Nothing Else Matters" - Metallica
(it almost sounds like a Christmas song or sea-shanty, SO much better!)




5. "Bad Company" - Bad Company
(it may not sound less powerful and more...broadway, but it sounds alright enough for this list)




6. "Everything About You" - Ugly Kid Joe
(the Poison vibe is strong with this one!)




7. "Time Is Running Out" - Muse
(I can imagine a band like Paramore rocking a sped up cover of this)




8. "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult
(obviously I prefer the original but it's cool to hear this song if covered by The Ventures)




9. "Crazy Train" - Ozzy Osbourne
(the rest of the song is kinda...yeah...but at least the riff sounds cooler!)




10. "Do You Feel Like We Do?" - Peter Frampton
(closest I can get to creating a studio version of the Frampton Comes Alive version, although shame about the Disco sound)




Honourable Mentions

"Green Tinted Sixties Mind" - Mr. Big
"Jump" - Van Halen
"Hot Blooded" - Foreigner
"Rosalie" - Thin Lizzy
"Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground" - The White Stripes*
"Don't Stop Believing" - Journey
"The Zoo" - Scorpions
"Same Old Song And Dance" - Aerosmith


Thanks for reading/listening! I'll see if I can find something to review either next week or the week after.


* Fun fact! You can hear Meg White changing the tempo between 1:28-1:34 due to being a shit drummer a lot clearer when everything's sped up.