Here Is The News!

Another month where I let the backlog of posts I need to write get too high but hey, at least I'm kicking this month off with a brand new post format: Here Is The News (working title)!
I tend to write about Rock/Metal albums, songs and soundtracks with a few opinion posts splashed about here and there but I rarely cover real world events happening in the world of Rock/Metal (e.g. new album releases, tours, deaths, etc). That's where these posts come in...sort of.
You see, I could tell you about real world events in the world of music but chances are, you would be able to find this information out at any decent music site with far more informative details and links to quotes/sources/fancy images. So here's where the differences start: each section of these posts will be spoof articles based around real world events. The main aim of this is to have a laugh at the events happening in the world of Rock/Metal whilst also informing you about certain genuine stories that you may or may not already know. Whether it works or not will be for time to tell but I'm excited about giving it a go, seeing as how it's more creative than just covering stuff that people have already written about with no personal inflection.
Anyway, time for the first broadcast!

AXL'S HOT NEW RELEASE

After what feels like many long, long decades of anticipation, the original lineup of Guns N' Roses have made an exciting announcement that has shocked the entire Rock community. Axl Rose, lead vocalist of the 80s and briefly 90s Hard Rock outfit, has finally given birth to the gigantic turd he's been holding since 1986.

This announcement came shortly after the band made the page just before the sports section with their cryptic tease of various billboards reading "Destruction Is Coming", presumably designed to trick people into thinking an original lineup album or tour would be announced (pictured left). Instead, the band announced a reissue of their debut, Appetite For Destruction, an album that's been readily available at literally every record store and digital streaming site for the last 31 years. However, there are also new demos of a handful of unreleased tracks that were left off the original album for a reason.

Two weeks after the official announcement was made, Axl was rushed into hospital to finally push out the faecal log growing inside him. After several days slaving away squatting over an industrial sized toilet, Axl finally made the push that fans have been anticipating ever since they realised the build-up of shit inside him was affecting his performance as a vocalist. One hardcore fan, who wishes to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying "I'm glad he finally got it out of him. I was first worried about his health when I heard him vocally straining during "Knockin' On Heaven's Door". The man clearly had something causing intestinal pressure up inside him so I'm relieved he finally sorted it out, although probably not as relieved as him...or his bandmates". A female fan under the age of 18 wearing a classic Appetite For Destruction T-shirt was also quoted as saying "Who's Axl?".

Now that Axl has finally given birth to the behemoth turd inside his belly, it's expected that Axl can finally start behaving like a functioning person instead of a troubled diva. No longer will Axl force fans to wait hours for him to reach the stage due to labour pains and false alarms. No longer will band and crew members have to endure the stench of Axl's chud emerging whenever he bends over or opens his mouth. No longer will Axl's stylist have to stealthily replace his wardrobe with plus sized clothing to accommodate his growing frame and avoid hurting his feelings.

Thankfully, those days are behind us and Axl Rose can start showing us what he's truly capable of; hundreds of people cannot wait.

DAVE GROHL DOES IT AGAIN

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl once again proved how likeable and fun he is by not only judging a BBQ contest in Memphis, Tennessee, but also rescuing a family of kittens from a burning building.

Dave Grohl (pictured left) has always come across as a genuine, warm, funny and talented person but it wasn't until this particular act of kindness that people believed this about him even more. It all started when Dave was chatting with fans about his favourite types of chips; that's when he heard the screaming. A nearby hospital had erupted into flames due to an unforeseen incident with an oxygen tank and a misplaced defibrillator, placing thousands of lives at risk. It was at that moment that Dave Grohl put down his beer and leapt into action.

Onlookers claim that Dave vaulted over various parked cars before smashing through one of the windows on the ground floor and making his way up to the blaze. Whilst it's unknown exactly what Dave did inside the building, he soon emerged carrying not only several patients but also a basket full of kittens that had presumably been brought to the hospital for positive reasons. Once he took the kittens and smoke-damaged patients to safety, Dave rushed back in and continued to do his best to fight the fire. It's reported that even after the firefighters and trained professionals arrived, Dave insisted on being at the front of the operation even though he happened to be wearing highly flammable clothing at the time and was currently going through back problems that day.

One of the firefighters who let Dave take control and do their job for them would later state "it's not something that we'd ordinarily do but Dave really wanted to be in charge and, I mean, come on. It's Dave Grohl; I'm not gonna say no to him, even if he isn't the right man for the job and probably would've been better suited at the back with everyone who needed water and funny anecdotes about the guys from Metallica". When asked to comment on the incident, members of the band Foo Fighters released the following statement: "We think Dave Grohl did an awesome thing and have no doubt in our minds that he is the greatest Rock frontman in recent history. We wrote this ourselves".

After the fire had been put out, Dave Grohl returned to the party to continue having fun for the rest of the day, offering no comment on the incident because he's a nice guy. The Foo Fighters are touring this year where they're expected to play a mix of classics and new songs off their latest LP, Concrete And Gold. At the time of writing this article, the album is still godawful.

NU-METAL ARRESTED

The entire genre Nu-Metal has caused quite the scene after being arrested for committing criminal acts including GBH, loitering and animal cruelty.

The 25-year old style of music was heard blaring out of a car as they drove past a playground, causing serious damage to the cochlea of anyone who had the misfortune of being within earshot of "Bodies" - Drowning Pool and "Nookie" - Limp Bizkit (pictured left). If things weren't already bad enough, the car had to come to a stop at nearby traffic lights, meaning the exposure to this hazardous content lasted for over 30 seconds. A mother at the playground claimed "it was the most horrendous thing I've ever heard. Whoever thought Rap and Rock should mix should take a long, hard look at themselves". Rick Rubin has been unavailable for comment.

Another parent had to take their child to a nearby hospital to have their ears syringed, although unfortunately the hospital was on fire at the time so the child could not purge their head of the thudding noise. When asked about the incident, the parent said "Why does the genre think it can get away with this kind of behaviour? This might have been acceptable in the mid-2000s when it was still in its teenage years but the time has come for Nu-Metal to stop this reckless attitude and mature into either Hip Hop or Heavy Metal".

The genre was last heard as the car pulled up outside the driver's address, just opposite a gathering of pigeons who would become so damaged by the sound of the generic riffs and terrible lyrics that their brains partially shut down, rendering them even dumber than before. These brain damaged pigeons (pictured right) were last seen wearing camo-trousers and getting face tattoos. Animal welfare agents did their best to aid the creatures, one of which later stating "this is the most emotionally devastating case I've dealt with since swine flu and even then, I didn't have to relive the embarrassment that was music in the late 90s".

Nu-Metal was arrested and charged in the early hours of the morning after it was found broadcasting on Kerrang during a three hour celebration of edgy music videos involving bands playing in empty warehouses. It's expected that Nu-Metal will be put away for a long time although exactly how long is unknown. However, if the cases of The People vs. Hair Metal or Hard Rock vs. Grunge are anything to go by, Nu-Metal will never see the light of day again.


That's the end of the news for this month! I'll be back with another broadcast in June but first, I've got about three other posts for May to catch up on.

Tenology: Great Guitarists In Rock/Metal

Another post, another subject that it's taken me way too long to write about.
I've written about overrated trends in Rock/Metal that have included musicians but I've never actually dedicated a blog post to musicians I admire. In this post, I'll be looking at ten guitarists firmly planted in the Rock/Metal genre that may or may not be personal favourites of mine.
As always, I'm hesitant to say "MY TOP TEN FAVOURITE EVER GUITARISTS" because I feel like there are probably some guitarists out there that I'd rate highly if I knew more of their work. As it stands right now, these are just 10 guitar players whom I'd like to shine my own personal spotlight on. Some will probably be hailed as exceptional guitarists all over the web and others may not get the love they deserve but ultimately, it's all down to my opinion and any notable absences aren't a reflection of my opinion on those specific guitarists...except Randy Rhoads, he's deliberately left out.


1. Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser

This is a good picture. Thanks for ruining it, gettyimages.

Despite the fact that I'm not a huge Blue Oyster Cult fan, Buck Dharma is probably my number one favourite guitarist due to his ability to create epic riffs, sweet solos and sing decent lead vocals too. Whilst his guitar playing doesn't stand out as much as guitarists with iconic sounds such as Brian May or Richie Blackmore, the band could boast some of the best riffs Rock has to offer thanks to this man. Songs such as "Cities On Flame With Rock And Roll" and "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" proved he could write amazing single-note riffs (much better than Joe Perry, in my opinion) whereas songs like "Godzilla" and "7 Screaming Diz-Busters" showcased his talent for guitar solos and Classic Rock shredding.


2. John Petrucci

You know he's serious because he's got a knee up

You could probably choose any Rock related forum with Dream Theater or John Petrucci involved and find at least one comment praising his work...and with good reason too! Whilst each member of the band is shit hot at their chosen instrument, Petrucci shoots the band into the stratosphere of awesome Rock thanks to his excellent playing. At the first listen, his solos may sound like bog standard shredding but unlike other guitarists who are so focused on complex scales/arpeggios that they forget to add soul (not saying a word), each melody is well crafted and incredibly well executed. However, Petrucci isn't afraid to let loose and as a result we get songs with epic riffs and blistering solos like "As I Am" and "Constant Motion".


3. Eddie Van Halen

That's the face he has to pull to stop it from melting

I've dedicated several blog posts to writing about the original lineup Van Halen albums and one of the strongest attributes from all of them is the fretwork of EVH (along with Lee Roth's vocals). He's often credited with inventing two handed guitar tapping but some guitarists were doing it long before Van Halen's debut came out. He did popularise the technique and fire it into the mainstream, inspiring future guitarists for decades to come, but none of them quite mastered the skill of iconic riffs and solos like EVH. Not only that but during the early years, Eddie wasn't afraid to challenge himself and adapt his sound with each album rather than coasting on one specific skill. He might be known for "Eruption" but to me, "Spanish Fly" is the stronger song.


4. Dave Murray

I should've posted some pics of guitarists in different positions

Iron Maiden have had many guitarists over the years but the only one to appear on every studio album (and my personal favourite) is Mr Dave Murray. Currently one of three six-string wielding amigos with the band, Dave's guitar playing can be recognised by the soft yet high pitched sound that you tend to hear in most Iron Maiden solos. Adrian might be the main driving force behind the band's great riffs but Dave's the one bringing the thunder in the solos. Again, I've written about all of the band's studio albums on the blog before but I couldn't write this post without mentioning my favourite guitarist from my favourite band.


5. Gary Rossington

This man's single-handedly keeping Lynyrd Skynyrd alive

One of the founding and the last original member of Lynyrd Skynyrd, known for his slide guitar and clean sound. Lynyrd Skynyrd might only be known for a handful of songs but those songs have some damn fine guitar. "Sweet Home Alabama" has one of Rock's greatest riffs and I don't need to tell you about how fucking awesome the "Free Bird" is again. The band's back catalogue is full of great tunes containing excellent riffs ("Simple Man", "The Needle And The Spoon") and some underrated solos ("Call Me The Breeze", "I Know A Little") but to me, Rossington really showed off his talents on the band's exceptional live album, One More From The Road, where he took the band's existing material and turned them up to 11.


6. Tom Morello

I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure he's flipping off some dick in the audience

In my recent post on Audioslave's debut album, I praised Chris Cornell's vocals and Tom Morello's guitar playing. In a not so recent post, I wrote about crap songs saved by one standout amazing feature that I affectionately named after this guitarist in reference to his role in the band Rage Against The Machine. Without Tom, they'd be another mediocre modern Metal outfit but his playing amplifies the rest of the band. His riffs are heavy and his solos sound unlike any other guitarist due to his unique playing styles (the same can be said for certain Audioslave tracks like "Gasoline"). Now and then, he brought out the big guns in RATM songs like "Know Your Enemy" but even if he isn't showing off with great solos, one thing you can count on with his playing is that it rarely (if at all) sounds boring.


7. Dave Mustaine

Said it before & I'll say it again; has anyone ever seen this guy and Donald Trump in the same room?

Dave Mustaine's made waves in the past with some questionable political opinions (many of them being featured in Megadeth's lyrics) but as a guitarist, this guy fucking gets. it. done. He may not have been responsible for one of my favourite solos ("Tornado Of Souls" was largely written by Marty Friedman, another great guitarist who nearly made it to this list) but he was responsible for popularising the spider chord playing style you frequently hear in Thrash Metal. Plus, for all the rage and dickishness Mustaine showed in his early days, to create a band as great as Megadeth out of it with a massive collection of great Metal tunes is quite impressive. Just a shame he has the appearance of a dad who's used all his three genie wishes to become a Rock star.


8. John Frusciante

Pretty sure the photographer captured the exact moment John levelled up

Up until 2009, John was the guitarist for Red Hot Chili Peppers but that wasn't his first time leaving the band. His clean tone is synonymous with the band's sound and whilst the band's riffs/solos are fairly straightforward, John was a clear believer in less is more. I've said before on the blog that I prefer softer Alternative RHCP songs to heavier Funk ones and that's mostly down to John's playing style. However, I will say that songs like "Suck My Kiss" and "Can't Stop" that ARE heavy tracks by the band are only as good as they are because of their solos and riffs respectively, and that's all John. That's all I really need to say on the guy but I'd be remiss if I didn't highlight one song in particular; "Snow ((Hey Oh))". A friend of mine who's seen them live reported that John played the riff perfectly without looping it all the way through, which is fucking impressive. It's not an easy riff to master and John makes it sound like "Smoke On The Water", so hats off to the man!


9. Eric Johnson

It was a choice between Johnson, Satriani, Vai or Malmsteen...I think I made the right choice

To me, one of the strongest attributes a musician can have is to be able to alert everyone to their presence with only a few notes. Eric Johnson has that absolutely nailed. His music always sounds so dreamy and magical, even when he's shredding away. He might not be as technically skilled as virtuosos such as Satriani or Batio but it's not all about how fast you can play. To me, Johnson's music is stronger on the whole than most of the music of those artists because of his unique melodies and combination of different styles to make exceptional Rock music. He's also pretty adept at other instruments too, although he's here entirely because of his guitar playing.


10. Slash

Be honest, how many of you saw this coming?

The ultimate image of a badass Rock guitarist. I don't know what your opinion of Slash is but I've seen several sources claiming he's overrated. I would agree if I hadn't seen him live but watching him flawlessly bust out an 18 minute solo during "Rocket Queen" in front of me eyes without showing any signs of fatigue thirty years after his "peak" performances shows stamina that I'd like to see any of those naysayers match. Not just that but come on, his riffs are fucking great. Guns N' Roses stuff is what he's known for (even if I personally think the "Paradise City" riff sounds a little janky) but his solo material contains way better guitar songs, as you'd expect. Definitely better Hard Rock albums than anything GNR put out; it's just a shame him and Axl patched it up, as he's genuinely much better without that shit awful excuse for a vocalist.


Do you agree with my list? Again, this isn't a Top 10 list and I know there are other amazing guitarists out there that are absent and may appear on a sequel to this post if I feel like writing one but who would you rank highly in your own personal collection of great guitarists and why?
In future, I plan on writing similar posts for bassists, drummers and vocalists too so if you have anyone you believe deserves some love, let me know here or via Twitter.

Tenology: Absolute Axls In Rock/Metal

If you haven't read my Rock Glossary blog post, you might not know what I mean by "Absolute Axls" and I wouldn't blame you, seeing as how I coined the term.

An Axl is a single factor in a pretty awesome Rock/Metal song that spoils it, named after the Guns N' Roses vocalist Axl Rose whom I have determined to be the sole component in every one of their songs that prevents them from being truly great. Granted you can apply this to a bunch of other names known in the Rock community for screwing up perfectly working dynamics in bands (e.g. Yoko Ono, Van Hagar) but to me, none really convey the message that the song would otherwise be bloody brilliant if not for one whiny, mewling, self-obsessed, wankstain of a blemish quite like 'Axl'.
So what better way of introducing yet another dig at the portly GNR vocalist than an entire blog post dedicated to listing ten fuckups in Rock/Metal songs with his name attached to each of them? As usual, Tenology posts aren't the same as Top Ten posts. These are just ten tracks I've listed in no particular order, each with a category of Axl that I've tried to avoid repeating. Also, I'm not including songs from blog posts I've already written about terrible lyrics but if you'd like to read more on those Axls, have at it.
Time to start this celebration of negativity!


1. "Fast Train" - April Wine

Axl: Tempo change

Fuck me, that's an appealing album cover

Starting off with a fairly obscure song by Rock standards but an Axl just as strong as any other. If you've not heard this song, seek it out on Spotify or Youtube and listen to the first minute or so of it. It's a decent little Classic Rock number with a great acoustic riff and a sweet introduction of drums, bass and electric guitar after the first verse. It sounds like it's going to be a great tune and then it reaches the one minute mark and it all falls to shit.
Have you listened to it yet? It's OK, I'll wait.
Heard it now?
...
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE THEY THINKING?! It's not even a subtle change like some songs manage to pull off, it sounds clumsy and disorganised on every instrument like they only had one shot at recording the track and decided to keep the balls-up in. This is further backed up when the drummer returns to the original tempo during the guitar solo but sadly, it's not enough to erase this particularly striking blemish from an otherwise alright song.


2. "Deth Starr" - Tenacious D

Axl: Pointless reprise

Still my favourite song on the album

I remember being so hyped for this song when the album was announced. I'd found live footage of early versions of it in 2014 and probably contributed to at least half of the total view count watching it over and over and over again. It was an explosive bomb track that packed one hell of an intergalactic wallop and fortunately, the studio version lived up to my expectations...at least until I got to the 3:40 mark and the soft introduction came back again. Why did they include a minute-long reprise when all it does is slow down an energetic Hard Rock track and add absolutely zero humour?
It should've ended after 3:40, making it tight and perfect. Also, on the topic of things they should've done with this song, they missed a trick in the clean version lyrics. Instead of "get your ship together, mother trucker", they should've sung "get your ship together, space trucker" as a reference to the Deep Purple song. Would've been neat but ah well.


3. "Rock 'N' Roll Pest Control" - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

Axl: Guitar solo

You might remember this track from an episode of Futurama

This may be a cover version but since the original by the Young Fresh Fellows doesn't have the same guitar solo, I'm only applying the Axl to this recording. It also only really applies to this cover because everything else in the song is excellent, right down to the specific tones used for the guitar. The only thing that lets it down, and my God is it a letdown, is the truly godawful solo. Now I could've chosen from a vast pool of brilliant songs with bad guitar solos such as "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult, "One Vision" - Queen or "Ah! Leah!" - Donnie Iris, but only once you've listened to the steaming pile of shite that is this song's solo will you understand why I chose this above all others.
It is, without a doubt in my mind, the single worst guitar solo I have ever heard or will hear in my entire life. It's so terrible that I've stopped listening to this song in public as I refuse to expose unwilling ears to what sounds like a 1970s computer being fucked to death.


4. "Golden Age Of Leather" - Blue Oyster Cult

Axl: Opening vocal chant

Whadda ya know? I included Blue Oyster Cult anyway!

This isn't one of Blue Oyster Cult's strongest albums but it has a few gems, including this one. However, it's easy to pass this one by if you can't make it past the 23 second vocal chant at the start. It's a right pile of artificial crap with naff lyrics that doesn't even have the right cadence at the end. Fortunately, if you buy this song, you can do what I did and change the start time of the song so it skips the chant, meaning it's not as bad as other Axls that appear in the middle of a track.
Plus, once the first 23 seconds are over, the rest of the song is ace! The second half with the increased tempo is possibly one of BoC's finest moments with a collection of epic Buck Dharma riffs and one of Rock's few suitable uses for a fade out during the outro. Just a shame the opening is enough to make you want to seek better music elsewhere.


5. "Dream On" - Aerosmith

Axl: Vocal pitch change

If I ever do a blog post on embarrassing debut album covers, remind me this one exists

I've never thought of myself as an Aerosmith fan due to their soft underbelly that's always present throughout their career. I know they wrote a song about inappropriate behaviour in a lift and some of their tracks have damn fine riffs (although I reckon that's mostly down to Joe Perry than Aerosmith as a unit) but I still think they're wet blankets in comparison to other Rock bands like The Who, a band that could write softer songs and still come across as a bunch of hard rockin' dudes. Anyway, this song off their debut is a pretty decent power ballad that eventually builds up to Steven Tyler screaming "Dream on!" towards the end. Normally, it'd sound badass. However, in this song, it sounds ridiculous.
I know Steve was insecure about the sound of his voice when they first started out and I can see why. I always picture him sucking helium out of a balloon before he starts screaming those lines. The funny thing is if you compare it to a rerecording by Aerosmith about 30 years or so later, the 2007 version sounds WAY better. It actually has power behind the vocals and makes the original sound utterly limp. Much like the live version of "Do You Feel Like We Do" - Peter Frampton, the rerecord deserves to replace the original as the true version of "Dream On". Until then, consider this another Axl.


6. "Rusty Cage" - Soundgarden

Axl: Slower section

Fuck "Black Hole Sun", THIS is top quality Soundgarden!

I bloody love this track. That echo effect on the vocals, that thick bass, that bizarre riff, that persistent drumbeat, it all comes together to make a Rock song that sounds like no other. The only thing that would make it perfect is if it ended at 2:56 on the dot before it could devolve into a sludgy poor-man's Black Sabbath knock-off. It ruins everything that was perfect about the song and forces you to listen to another minute and a half of shite.
If you're in the same boat as me and think the song would've been better had it completely shaved that slower section off, there's a version of that edit that appears in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on a radio station that may or may not be a single version. Unfortunately, you can't buy that version on iTunes (at least you couldn't when I last looked) but you can find that version on Youtube in pretty good quality so enjoy!


7. "Master Of Puppets" - Metallica

Axl: Too much build-up, not enough pay-off

Wonder how many metalheads I'll piss off with this opinion...

Metallica's signature song and, according to many of their die-hard fans, their best. It's a proper powerhouse of a track full of epic riffs and boasting one of Metal's greatest choruses. However, unlike typical Metallica tracks, this song starts off heavy and then introduces the softer part in the middle (the band have actually acknowledged that this was a play on their usual style). The result of this is a looooooot of build-up to get from slow soft melodies to slow heavy riffs and then to faster heavy music to introduce the solo. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if the solo was fast and furious enough but sadly, much like the "Pull Me Under" - Dream Theater solo, it's over before you know it.
To clarify, this isn't the same as me saying the solo is bad. It's actually a pretty decent solo but it needed to come sooner in the track. Alternatively, if the build up had to stay, it needed to maintain that ferocious energy right up until the return to the first section/verse. I'd argue that the music between 6:08 and 6:48 probably could've been cut or, if the softer section could be shitcanned, extended so that the end of the solo bursts straight into "Hell is worth all that". It would've kept the momentum going and brought the track length down to a much better 7:55, seeing as how the best Metallica songs all stay below the eight minute mark.


8. "Lucky Man" - Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Axl: Keyboard solo

This song loses the fucking plot when the synth comes in

I don't know much ELP but I do know this song and I have to say, I really like it up until the 3:21 mark when what I can only describe as gratuitous synth kicks in. It's a lovely, delicate Folk song with a suitable guitar solo earlier on that could've finished after that chorus but nope, instead you get another minute or so of utterly unnecessary keyboard pitch bending. There's a scene in an episode of Community where Chevy Chase is playing a keyboard solo involving pitch bending and rocks back and forth whilst making silly facial expressions which I can only assume was inspired by this song, as they both go together perfectly.
From what I've heard, they tend to cut out the shitty keys during live performances and there is a single edit which may do without it too. However, the full album version with gratuitous synth still exists and will always be a black spot on this otherwise wonderful song.


9. "Rock 'N' Roll Children" - Dio

Axl: "BANG!"

I was tempted to include this in a terrible lyrics post but decided against it, as it's only one word

There's something about Dio's lyrics that seem a bit pompous and almost silly at times. They're usually focused around mythology and if you're into that kind of storytelling in music, his songs are cracking. For me, they just take themselves a little too seriously which, when paired with synth, doesn't work regardless of how heavy the riffs or aggressive the shredding. However, this song's silly for a different reason. This is where Dio's music crosses into Spinal Tap territory as he sings "just like somebody slammed the door" shortly before he yells "BANG!". I'm sure it was intended to be awesome but it totally misses that mark and manages to sound even more ridiculous than if they actually used a door slamming sound effect.
The rest of the song is a serviceable Metal tune and luckily Dio doesn't pull anymore silly exclamations like that again, even when he sings about door slamming. However, the first and only time is enough to stop me from listening to this song without laughing or at least smiling. It's meant to sound so grand and magnificent and all I can picture is tiny little Dio in a sound booth shouting "BANG!" like a kid with a toy gun...and now you will too!


10. "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)" - Fall Out Boy

Axl: Lack of a guitar solo

In an alternate reality where everything is 100% more awesome, this is what Coldplay sounds like

Whilst I intensely dislike Fall Out Boy and the scene they represent, they do have their moments. This is by far their strongest one to date and if it wasn't by them, I probably would've bought it on iTunes a long time ago. It's surprisingly heavy for them, loaded with catchy vocal and guitar hooks and, perhaps best of all, lacks a middle section where they can slow everything down and get all sensitive like most American bands tend to do. However, there is one thing it's missing; a sweet guitar solo.
If Fall Out Boy had a little bit more talent and set their sights higher than teenage dipshits with daddy issues, they could've found a place for a powerful guitar solo. Maybe it would've happened at 2:12 before picking up with the rest of the song or maybe it would've been an outro solo playing underneath the chanting if the song lasted longer than 3:07; what I do know is it's too short as it is and they needed to take the power they harnessed and fucking run with it.


Do you agree with my list of Axls? Am I being too unfair on some of these tracks ("how can the lack of anything be an Axl?") or have I forgotten far worse Axls that need to be recognised? Let me know in the comments or via Twitter.
Also, some of you might be interested to know that as a result of this post, I'll be writing a similar one at some point looking at the complete inverse; ten absolutely terrible songs each with one amazing factor that manages to salvage it.
All I need to do first is think of a name for that term and yes, suggestions are welcome...

Tenology: Songs That Sound Better When Sped Up

Bonus Post!
This is to make up for the week I missed in March and I figure you might want to read this short little post over a random video game one.

Recently, I learned that you can speed up or slow down videos on Youtube so naturally, I gave several slower songs a listen with the speed increased to 1.25x. Many tracks didn't work at all but surprisingly, quite a few songs actually sounded pretty awesome when sped up slightly.
I've created a playlist of some of these songs on Youtube but the problem with keeping track of things via Youtube (especially when it's a music playlist) is that videos get deleted quite frequently. As a result, I've chosen to list ten of my favourite sped up songs here so that I can find them again even if some prick deletes them off Youtube.
If you have any suggestions for songs that'd sound just as good (or arguably better) when sped up, let me know in the comments or via Twitter. Also, feel free to let me know if any of the embedded Youtube videos get removed and I need to replace them.

WARNING! YOU MAY NEED A COUPLE OF LISTENS TO THE ORIGINAL/SLOWER VERSIONS OF THESE SONGS IF YOU EVER WANT TO HEAR THEM THE SAME AGAIN!


1. "Night Moves" - Bob Seger
(wait until the drums come in, it sounds like The Doobie Brothers)




2. "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns N' Roses
(I finally found a way to fix Axl's voice...sort of)




3. "Man In The Box" - Alice In Chains
(less Alice In Chains, more Velvet Revolver. I love it!)




4. "Nothing Else Matters" - Metallica
(it almost sounds like a Christmas song or sea-shanty, SO much better!)




5. "Bad Company" - Bad Company
(it may not sound less powerful and more...broadway, but it sounds alright enough for this list)




6. "Everything About You" - Ugly Kid Joe
(the Poison vibe is strong with this one!)




7. "Time Is Running Out" - Muse
(I can imagine a band like Paramore rocking a sped up cover of this)




8. "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult
(obviously I prefer the original but it's cool to hear this song if covered by The Ventures)




9. "Crazy Train" - Ozzy Osbourne
(the rest of the song is kinda...yeah...but at least the riff sounds cooler!)




10. "Do You Feel Like We Do?" - Peter Frampton
(closest I can get to creating a studio version of the Frampton Comes Alive version, although shame about the Disco sound)




Honourable Mentions

"Green Tinted Sixties Mind" - Mr. Big
"Jump" - Van Halen
"Hot Blooded" - Foreigner
"Rosalie" - Thin Lizzy
"Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground" - The White Stripes*
"Don't Stop Believing" - Journey
"The Zoo" - Scorpions
"Same Old Song And Dance" - Aerosmith


Thanks for reading/listening! I'll see if I can find something to review either next week or the week after.


* Fun fact! You can hear Meg White changing the tempo between 1:28-1:34 due to being a shit drummer a lot clearer when everything's sped up.

World On Fire - Slash featuring Myles Kennedy & The Conspirators

Before I talk about the latest album from Slash and Myles Kennedy, I'd first like to tell you about the latest tour from Slash and Myles Kennedy...or at least one of the shows from the tour.

Without going into too much detail about the dire warm-up performance from California Breed (although mostly Glenn Hughes) as you can read my condensed rant on Twitter, Slash played with his band for damn nearly two hours last night. For most bands, that would've been a real slog to sit through and, if I'm honest, it's probably my only small complaint. However, Slash and crew kept the majority of the audience* enthralled from start to finish, playing a variety of hits from past solo albums with a few select fan favourites from his days in Guns N' Roses.

The band were easily capable of recreating tunes from solo albums to a near pitch-perfect quality and even the GNR covers sounded close to identical to the originals from 1987. In fact, I would say that seeing Slash play live now is as close to the perfect Guns N' Roses gig we'll ever get. Myles was more than capable of covering Axl Rose, hitting all the correct notes without all the unnecessary, irritating shit Axl does. It's no surprise Slash chose Myles to become his permanent vocalist, since he's basically what Axl would sound like if he wasn't the aural equivalent of scraping a knuckle on a cheese grater.
Of course the rest of the band nailed their respective parts too but it was easily a combination of powerful vocals and furious fretting that made the night spectacular. That and the fantastic decade-spanning setlist. So with that in mind, what did I think of their latest album?

Before you read this review, I need to make one thing even clearer than I've already made it.

I don't like Axl Rose.
Not in the slightest.
I think he's fucking terrible.

He may be technically skilled but that means sod-all if the finished product sounds like a rooster. That's like commending someone for being a technically proficient arsonist or BNP spokesperson.
No, this isn't because of the whole Activision lawsuit thing. I actually agreed with him on that one. I don't like him because he's the single driving force behind my ambivalence towards Guns N' Roses. I know for a fact that I would enjoy them a lot more if he had no influence or purpose in the band, although sadly I can't prove it. All I can do is base my theories on the last five years of Slash's musical career.
I had a theory a while ago that Axl Rose ruined Hard Rock but I've since adapted that into a hypothesis that Axl Rose only tainted Hard Rock, merely ruining Guns N' Roses and his reputation. Some of their songs have awesome riffs but hearing Axl rasp "motherfucker" pisses them down. Thankfully, Slash's solo work is slowly trying to make up for it, almost like a spoilt child's dad apologising to the other parents at a birthday party for spawning such a little cunt.
I came close to forgiving and forgetting after hearing Apocalyptic Love for the first time last year. It's full of Hard Rock, pure and simple. The slower songs still pack a punch and manage to sound softer without going into handbag sporting Aerosmith territory. So with that in mind, I was looking forward to Slash's follow up to see if he would continue with more of the same or develop his sound into something new.
Interestingly enough, he's managed to do both.

World On Fire starts off with an aptly named explosive bang, doing what every great album opener does by setting the bar high. Fortunately, the band manage to maintain that high (unlike Judas Priest did with their latest offering) with a strong collection of face melters and headbangers. If there's one thing you can learn from Slash's music (and let's face it, you're unlikely to learn more than one or two things), it's that he's the Ronseal of Hard Rock. He does exactly what it says on the tin...uhh, album.
The songs don't contain metaphors concealed within another metaphor mirroring art under the pretence of bollocks and if that's what you strive for in music then go cream yourself over David fucking Bowie like all the other tossers out there who say things like "Bravo" without sarcasm. Slash's music is straight forward, down to Earth and fucking awesome. It doesn't need to be analysed, it just needs to be heard and that's something that remains constant throughout all three of his solo albums.
Whilst the debut had a series of guest musicians, making it easily comparable to previous album which introduced Myles Kennedy & The Conspirators as 'the band', the main difference between this and Apocalyptic Love is the number of songs that feel slightly less guitar-oriented. Whilst it's clear Slash's signature is scrawled across the record, it certainly feels like the band have had more input with the creation of this material. You've got your slower, more ensemble based songs like "Battleground", "The Unholy" and "Dirty Girl" along with ones crying to be played on a six-string such as "Bent To Fly", "Avalon" and "Withered Delilah".

It's a healthy mix of weight distribution among the band and a winning formula that's kept Slash in fresh leather pants and drug abuse for over 20 years. Personally, I preferred Apocalyptic Love and would recommend that album to anyone who likes Riff-Based Rock. It's an hour of Guitar Hero music and there will always be room in my iTunes library for that. However, World On Fire is a must-listen to anyone who likes Hard Rock as there's something for most preferences, whether you favour vocally driven belters or heavy drumming tracks. The biggest downside is that there isn't as much repeat value but that may be down to personal taste.
I rate it 8/10 for having many enjoyable tracks that don't disappoint or feel like carbon copies at first listen. I'm mostly just relieved that Slash didn't feel the need to include shite covers and 8 minute piano ballads, as I'm almost certain Axl pricking Rose pushed for during the GNR days. It honestly wouldn't surprise me to learn that Axl was responsible for all of GNR's cruddiest tracks but I'm too apathetic about the band to want to research my claims so I'll just remain in blissfully ignorant hate until someone puts me straight.
Are you gonna be that someone? Have anything else to add to the Axl debate? Feel free to voice opinions in the comments...unless you're a fanboy. If you are an Axl Rose fanboy and/or GNR purist, feel free to run far away-ay-ay-ay-ay.


* Except for a boy in front of me who was using his mum's shoulder as a pillow throughout the second half, poor little bunny.