Here Is The News!

Another month where I let the backlog of posts I need to write get too high but hey, at least I'm kicking this month off with a brand new post format: Here Is The News (working title)!
I tend to write about Rock/Metal albums, songs and soundtracks with a few opinion posts splashed about here and there but I rarely cover real world events happening in the world of Rock/Metal (e.g. new album releases, tours, deaths, etc). That's where these posts come in...sort of.
You see, I could tell you about real world events in the world of music but chances are, you would be able to find this information out at any decent music site with far more informative details and links to quotes/sources/fancy images. So here's where the differences start: each section of these posts will be spoof articles based around real world events. The main aim of this is to have a laugh at the events happening in the world of Rock/Metal whilst also informing you about certain genuine stories that you may or may not already know. Whether it works or not will be for time to tell but I'm excited about giving it a go, seeing as how it's more creative than just covering stuff that people have already written about with no personal inflection.
Anyway, time for the first broadcast!

AXL'S HOT NEW RELEASE

After what feels like many long, long decades of anticipation, the original lineup of Guns N' Roses have made an exciting announcement that has shocked the entire Rock community. Axl Rose, lead vocalist of the 80s and briefly 90s Hard Rock outfit, has finally given birth to the gigantic turd he's been holding since 1986.

This announcement came shortly after the band made the page just before the sports section with their cryptic tease of various billboards reading "Destruction Is Coming", presumably designed to trick people into thinking an original lineup album or tour would be announced (pictured left). Instead, the band announced a reissue of their debut, Appetite For Destruction, an album that's been readily available at literally every record store and digital streaming site for the last 31 years. However, there are also new demos of a handful of unreleased tracks that were left off the original album for a reason.

Two weeks after the official announcement was made, Axl was rushed into hospital to finally push out the faecal log growing inside him. After several days slaving away squatting over an industrial sized toilet, Axl finally made the push that fans have been anticipating ever since they realised the build-up of shit inside him was affecting his performance as a vocalist. One hardcore fan, who wishes to remain anonymous, was quoted as saying "I'm glad he finally got it out of him. I was first worried about his health when I heard him vocally straining during "Knockin' On Heaven's Door". The man clearly had something causing intestinal pressure up inside him so I'm relieved he finally sorted it out, although probably not as relieved as him...or his bandmates". A female fan under the age of 18 wearing a classic Appetite For Destruction T-shirt was also quoted as saying "Who's Axl?".

Now that Axl has finally given birth to the behemoth turd inside his belly, it's expected that Axl can finally start behaving like a functioning person instead of a troubled diva. No longer will Axl force fans to wait hours for him to reach the stage due to labour pains and false alarms. No longer will band and crew members have to endure the stench of Axl's chud emerging whenever he bends over or opens his mouth. No longer will Axl's stylist have to stealthily replace his wardrobe with plus sized clothing to accommodate his growing frame and avoid hurting his feelings.

Thankfully, those days are behind us and Axl Rose can start showing us what he's truly capable of; hundreds of people cannot wait.

DAVE GROHL DOES IT AGAIN

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl once again proved how likeable and fun he is by not only judging a BBQ contest in Memphis, Tennessee, but also rescuing a family of kittens from a burning building.

Dave Grohl (pictured left) has always come across as a genuine, warm, funny and talented person but it wasn't until this particular act of kindness that people believed this about him even more. It all started when Dave was chatting with fans about his favourite types of chips; that's when he heard the screaming. A nearby hospital had erupted into flames due to an unforeseen incident with an oxygen tank and a misplaced defibrillator, placing thousands of lives at risk. It was at that moment that Dave Grohl put down his beer and leapt into action.

Onlookers claim that Dave vaulted over various parked cars before smashing through one of the windows on the ground floor and making his way up to the blaze. Whilst it's unknown exactly what Dave did inside the building, he soon emerged carrying not only several patients but also a basket full of kittens that had presumably been brought to the hospital for positive reasons. Once he took the kittens and smoke-damaged patients to safety, Dave rushed back in and continued to do his best to fight the fire. It's reported that even after the firefighters and trained professionals arrived, Dave insisted on being at the front of the operation even though he happened to be wearing highly flammable clothing at the time and was currently going through back problems that day.

One of the firefighters who let Dave take control and do their job for them would later state "it's not something that we'd ordinarily do but Dave really wanted to be in charge and, I mean, come on. It's Dave Grohl; I'm not gonna say no to him, even if he isn't the right man for the job and probably would've been better suited at the back with everyone who needed water and funny anecdotes about the guys from Metallica". When asked to comment on the incident, members of the band Foo Fighters released the following statement: "We think Dave Grohl did an awesome thing and have no doubt in our minds that he is the greatest Rock frontman in recent history. We wrote this ourselves".

After the fire had been put out, Dave Grohl returned to the party to continue having fun for the rest of the day, offering no comment on the incident because he's a nice guy. The Foo Fighters are touring this year where they're expected to play a mix of classics and new songs off their latest LP, Concrete And Gold. At the time of writing this article, the album is still godawful.

NU-METAL ARRESTED

The entire genre Nu-Metal has caused quite the scene after being arrested for committing criminal acts including GBH, loitering and animal cruelty.

The 25-year old style of music was heard blaring out of a car as they drove past a playground, causing serious damage to the cochlea of anyone who had the misfortune of being within earshot of "Bodies" - Drowning Pool and "Nookie" - Limp Bizkit (pictured left). If things weren't already bad enough, the car had to come to a stop at nearby traffic lights, meaning the exposure to this hazardous content lasted for over 30 seconds. A mother at the playground claimed "it was the most horrendous thing I've ever heard. Whoever thought Rap and Rock should mix should take a long, hard look at themselves". Rick Rubin has been unavailable for comment.

Another parent had to take their child to a nearby hospital to have their ears syringed, although unfortunately the hospital was on fire at the time so the child could not purge their head of the thudding noise. When asked about the incident, the parent said "Why does the genre think it can get away with this kind of behaviour? This might have been acceptable in the mid-2000s when it was still in its teenage years but the time has come for Nu-Metal to stop this reckless attitude and mature into either Hip Hop or Heavy Metal".

The genre was last heard as the car pulled up outside the driver's address, just opposite a gathering of pigeons who would become so damaged by the sound of the generic riffs and terrible lyrics that their brains partially shut down, rendering them even dumber than before. These brain damaged pigeons (pictured right) were last seen wearing camo-trousers and getting face tattoos. Animal welfare agents did their best to aid the creatures, one of which later stating "this is the most emotionally devastating case I've dealt with since swine flu and even then, I didn't have to relive the embarrassment that was music in the late 90s".

Nu-Metal was arrested and charged in the early hours of the morning after it was found broadcasting on Kerrang during a three hour celebration of edgy music videos involving bands playing in empty warehouses. It's expected that Nu-Metal will be put away for a long time although exactly how long is unknown. However, if the cases of The People vs. Hair Metal or Hard Rock vs. Grunge are anything to go by, Nu-Metal will never see the light of day again.


That's the end of the news for this month! I'll be back with another broadcast in June but first, I've got about three other posts for May to catch up on.