Tenology: My Ten Favourite Rock/Metal Songs Of 2018

Well, here we are again. End of the year which means it's time to look back at all the new albums and singles I've enjoyed throughout 2018 and present them in a list of no particular order. That's right, this is NOT a "Top 10" post where the first or last song in the entry is the greatest song of the year, nor is it a ranking list of my favourite songs after listening to every Rock/Metal album released. There will be omissions and there will be no real reason for putting the ten songs I've picked in the specific order listed below, other than "because I wanted to do it this way".
Fortunately, I'll probably cover those omissions in a 2020 blog post in a similar manner to the one I'm planning for early 2019 where I'll be looking at songs from 2017 that I really enjoyed yet didn't listen to until some time in 2018. Got that? No? Too bad. One last thing before I start: I've included a Spotify playlist at the bottom of this post so you can listen to all the songs I've rated (honourable mentions and all!) whilst reading about why I liked them. It's also an opportunity for you to hear songs I really liked and would recommend in case you missed them. Right, let's do this!


1. "When The Curtain Falls" - Greta Van Fleet

When I reviewed Anthem Of The Peaceful Army a couple of months ago, I was largely indifferent to the majority of the songs due to how disappointing it was in comparison to the band's EP From The Fires. However, there were some songs I really liked and my favourite had to be lead single, "When The Curtain Falls". Great riff, shrill vocals and catchy melodies throughout, not to mention a decent solo to play us out. If you liked From The Fires but haven't listened to Anthem Of The Peaceful Army yet, you're probably better off listening to this song and maybe a handful of others instead of the whole album. Personal taste will depend on the other songs I'd recommend but regardless of what you're into, I'll always recommend this one.


2. "Firepower" - Judas Priest

Another song from an album I reviewed on the blog; don't worry, there'll be some tracks I haven't discussed before here too. The latest Judas Priest album was essentially a love letter to fans of the band's earlier material, combining good aspects of Painkiller, Screaming For Vengeance and British Steel with a modern twist. "Firepower" is a great title track and album opener with awesome riffs and fantastic vocals, exactly what was needed to remind fans that the band could still kick ass. There were other belters on the album too and who knows, maybe you'll see a few more in this post...


3. "Venom Of Venus" - Powerwolf

I only just finished writing about The Sacrament Of Sin, a great Power Metal album that contains a load of great tunes with heavy riffing and mild solos. However, for an album that's strength lies in its melodic nature, "Venom Of Venus" was the track that got me invested more than any other. The vocals steal the show, although the rest of the band bring the thunder too. However, I was also tempted to include "Fire & Forgive", "The Sacrament Of Sin" or "Fist By Fist (Sacralize Or Strike)" on this list too, although I feel like this song will stick with me longer than those.


4. "Fuchsia Machu Picchu" - Joachim Cooder

...who? Yeah, I heard this song on the radio one day and loved it. Great thumping rhythm, nice vocals, funky riffs and mystical accompaniments. I guess this is more of a Rock song than Pop, although it's probably the closest thing to Pop on this list. I haven't listened to any other songs by Joachim Cooder but if I hear something else by him/them (?) that I like, I'll be sure to check more tunes out. Until then, at least we've got this strange little number that I bet none of you ever expected to see on this list.


5. "Miasma" - Ghost

I'm mixing the formula up a bit by putting my number one favourite song of the year (from my number one favourite album of the year, as reviewed here) at the midway point of the post, rather than at the end like the last two from 2016/2017. This instrumental is fucking great and just goes from strength to strength as the song progresses. By the three minute mark, the song's taken off and before you know it, there are solos played on not just guitar and synth but also a fucking saxophone. This Metal instrumental finds a way of making a saxophone solo sound badass and for that reason alone, it deserves a spot on this list.


6. "Necromancer" - Judas Priest

Hey, look at that, Judas Priest showed up again! Revisiting some of my favourite songs from 2018 (a list that previously had about 30 different tracks in it), I tried to give songs by a wider variety of artists a chance but at the end of the day, I found myself enjoying multiple Judas Priest tracks over ones by Shinedown and Saxon. Whilst "Firepower" is probably my number one favourite off the album, "Necromancer" is a very close second. The faster tempo in the verse to give the song a driving rhythm is great and come on, if there's one thing Judas Priest knows how to do it's write awesome themes for their own mythological characters.


7. "Firewalker" - King Zebra

This was another song recommended to me that I ended up loving. Granted it might be a little similar to some of the others on this list (you can tell I definitely have a specific taste!) but when a band I've never heard of gets my attention as fast as King Zebra did with this song, I know they're worth mentioning. Fortunately for them, their song was great enough to earn a place on the full list and not just the honourable mentions so if you like NWOTHM, check this song out!


8. "Sugar Cane" - Slash, feat. Myles Kennedy & The Conspirators

This song nearly didn't make it in the list! I completely forgot about this album until I started writing the post and after revisiting a few tracks that I remembered enjoying, I found myself wanting to come back to this song over all the others. Awesome Slash riffs, fantastic Myles Kennedy vocals in the chorus and a vibe that makes it sound like the perfect song to fucking jam to in a live gig. There are some other decent tracks on the Slash album too (that I mention in my review found here) but "Sugar Cane" is probably my favourite from it.


9. "Whatever" - Thundermother

Another new song that I heard on the radio once and forgot about for a while until revisiting all of the year's best tunes. Imagine if Halestorm were just a little bit better musically and you've got "Whatever" - Thundermother. You get the same raw vocal talent but with the added benefit of better solos, percussion and general song structure. It's a shame that Thundermother seem to be going through somewhat of a tempestuous period with changing lineups and whatnot but fingers crossed the lineup from this album sticks around for some time!


10. "Rats" - Ghost

I mean, you should've seen this one coming. Even if "Miasma" is my favourite song of the year, "Rats" is a very strong second best from Prequelle. I've talked about the track before but in short, it's got everything needed to make a perfect anthematic Rock song. If you read this blog, you must've heard the song by now. You must know that I fucking love this song and album so it's no surprise that it's on this list.

What MIGHT be a surprise are some of these honourable mentions (in alphabetical order):


"Book Of Thoth" - The Sword

I thought the latest album by The Sword was OK (review here) and had several tracks I was considering for the coveted spot of an honourable mention here. However, in the end, I went with "Book Of Thoth" for containing the heavy riffs I associate with The Sword and some interesting guitar playing too. It's a more memorable song than some of my other favourites from Used Future but it's not quite as good as the tracks listed above. At least not to me, anyway.


"Dance Macabre" - Ghost

Got to fit Ghost in one last time (go fucking listen to Prequelle). Whilst "Miasma" and "Rats" are worthy of a place in the main list, I felt like I couldn't justify three Ghost songs when there were other tracks that needed a place too. Sadly for "Dance Macabre", that meant one song had to be an honourable mention and this ABBA-esque Hard Rock tune drew the short straw. Don't get me wrong though, I still love the track and would recommend it without a moment's hesitation.


"Flame Thrower" - Judas Priest

Yup, same situation with Judas Priest. I liked Firepower and multiple songs on the album grabbed me in an incredibly pleasurable way but I couldn't put three songs off it in the list, hence "Flame Thrower" ending up here instead. I think it was easier moving this song here because I'm not really into the intro that much but once the percussion comes in, everything gets much better.


"Grazed By Heaven" - Uriah Heep

Definitely my favourite song from Living The Dream and probably the most accessible track to casual fans of the band, since it has the Hard Prog sound of guitar/organ harmonies. However, it also boasts some great lengthy solos too so if you only listen to one song from the album, make sure it's this one...which will probably happen anyway, since it's the album opener and lead single.


"The New Day" - Greta Van Fleet

The last song in the post and it's another repeat band! I may have been a bit frosty to their recent album but damn, I love this song's main riff. It's like a glorious blend of early Rush and peak Led Zeppelin...and then the vocals come in. They're so fucking bad in this song, they remind me of Steve Smith from American Dad (played by Scott Grimes) when he does a pained, high pitched scream. Those vocals can work in Hard Rock tracks but when you've got a more Folksy, acoustic-guitar driven melody and softer percussion, you need more delicate vocals. If I could travel across the multiverse and find a version of this song with identical music but someone more tactful than Josh Kiszka behind the mic, this song easily would've made the main ten.

That's it for 2018! I hope you've enjoyed what I've offered on the blog and will (hopefully) continue to offer throughout 2019 too!
Happy New Year to everyone who gives a shit about that sort of thing and see you all in January!

Tenology: Weak Remixes from Super Smash Bros.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has taken up a lot of my time this month so I thought I'd better write a blog post about the music throughout the series. However, since I've already written about some of my favourite Smash Bros. remixes in the past, this blog post is dedicated to some of the less impressive tunes made specifically for games in the Super Smash Bros. series.
Yes, even though the majority of songs are great, there are a couple of tracks that either contain Axls or just completely get it wrong. I've also added a few tunes that might be good but could've been even better if they just changed a few things around, since there aren't a huge amount of terrible Smash Bros. tracks.


1. Tal Tal Heights - Legend Of Zelda (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

This track probably should've been on Bridge Of Eldin but meh, Pirate Ship's fine I guess

I like the Tal Tal Heights theme but boy, was I disappointed with this remix. First of all, the synth and electronic sound effects make it sound like it belongs in Star Fox, not Legend Of Zelda. Second, the actual tune from Tal Tal Heights features in a very small portion of the actual track. Most of the melody is the standard Legend Of Zelda theme reworked and some jazzed up key changed bollocks. Overall, it's not a great tune for those who were looking forward to hearing a proper remix of Tal Tal Heights compared to the naff 8-bit original.


2. Main Theme (Metroid) - Metroid (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Easily the best Metroid stage in Smash...although Frigate Orpheon's good too

I've started this blog post off with some of the better bad remixes, if that makes sense. The Rock version of the Metroid theme contains a pretty sweet guitar solo, an appropriately used synth melody and a great arrangement throughout. However, there is one glaring Axl that prevents it from being a song I frequently listen to in-game; that cringe-worthy vocal intro. "SAMUS IS UNDER FIRE! SHE'S SENT AN EMERGENCY DIRECTIVE! JOIN THE FIGHT!". Oh man, it just sounds so out of place and unintentionally dorky. It ruins an otherwise awesome rerecording.


3. Magicant / Eight Melodies - Earthbound (Super Smash Bros. for 3DS/Wii U)

Still beats New Pork City!

I've never really cared for the Smash Bros. remixes of Earthbound music, although I've never given much time to the original music from Earthbound either. However, despite being a cute little stage, Magicant contains one of the more boring tracks to fight to in Smash Bros history. Smiles And Tears isn't that much better but this definitely feels like the less interesting track, especially when you consider that better remixes of Earthbound music to fight to DO exist! This stage needed a more upbeat track, similar to how Temple contained the spicy Fire Emblem tune as well as the slower Zelda one.


4. Flat Zone 2 - Mr. Game And Watch

Feed 'em to the lions!

The original Flat Zone melody from Super Smash Bros. Melee was kooky and neat for the odd stage but this shrill, awful attempt at using Game & Watch sounds to create a catchy melody is fucking terrible. You know how Mr. Game & Watch has that loud, annoying phone ringing noise as two taunts? Imagine that as a whole song but with some bland musical accompaniments thrown in too. Yeah, you're better off with the various Dr. Mario remixes here.


5. Rosalina In The Observatory / Luma's Theme - Mario

So many great tracks missing from this stage...

Ready to stop caring about what I have to say? Here goes: I don't like Mario music. The Ground Theme, the Underwater Theme, Super Mario World music, I don't like any of it. Consequently, I was really excited to hear great tunes from Super Mario Galaxy on this stage...until they ruined this one. I like the original versions of Rosalina In The Observatory from Super Mario Galaxy, even when they become grander and grander after obtaining more stars throughout the game. However, this remix sounds TOO grand and over the top. The use of brass for the main melody makes it sound like circus music rather than a cosmic waltz, although I can't fault them for trying to make the original music more appropriate for Smash Bros.


6. Pac-Man (Club Mix) - Pac-Man

Rest in Peace, Pac Maze

Just...why? Why does this tune exist? We already have a great Pac-Man remix, why does it need a Club Mix? OK, they needed two tunes for the Pac Maze stage in the 3DS Smash Bros but you had the Pac-Man's Park / Block Town tune that would've worked a hell of a lot better! Maybe they just wanted another melody that contained iconic tunes from the original Pac-Man but they could've done better than a shitty Club Mix, although perhaps I'm biased due to my musical taste.


7. Saria's Song / Middle Boss Battle - Legend Of Zelda

Another Zelda entry? Pfft, and I call myself a fan!

I've talked about how Smash Bros keeps awkwardly blending great tunes from The Legend Of Zelda with boss battle themes and it Never. Sounds. Good. Song Of Storms was great until Ganondorf's Theme was shoehorned in, Ballad Of The Goddess was awesome until Ghirahim's Theme was pointlessly crammed in and now Saria's Song, a lovely tune that sounds pretty naff in this remix alone, has been tainted by the synthy mess of the Middle Boss Battle theme from Ocarina Of Time. Just a truly shit piece of music.


8. Freakyforms: Your Creations, Alive! Medley - Freakyforms

Rest in Piss, Miiverse

There are some great little Nintendo titles to pick music from (still waiting for some Professor Layton tunes, even if Nintendo don't necessarily own the rights to a game that has only ever appeared on Nintendo consoles) but this definitely isn't one of them. It sounds like a worse version of the music from Tearaway but at least it improves a little once the guitars come in. It's just a shame that to get there, you have to listen to plinky plonky noise totally out of place on a Smash Bros fighting stage.


9. Main Theme (New Super Mario Bros.) - Mario

Yup, new Mario Bros music fucking sucks

Remember earlier on when I talked about how much I hate music from Mario Bros platformers? Yeah, this is a good example of why. Ignoring the silly sound effects and boring instrumentation, the thing I hate most about the music in New Super Mario Bros. (and other variants) is the "BA-BAAA" vocals throughout. A bunch of original Mario tracks in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U contain these annoying little vocal "BA"s and I fucking hate them. I don't know why, I just can't stand them and hate the songs that contain them. Fortunately, it's easier for me to convince people that this tune sucks because the rest of the music isn't great either.


10. The Roost - Animal Crossing

Oh hey again, Sonic and Lucario!

Whilst it's not godawful like some of the remixes on this post, The Roost doesn't belong in a Smash Bros game. In fact, even the game's director (Masahiro Sakurai), when commenting on how music for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was chosen based on how good they are to fight to, cited The Roost as a piece of music that didn't fit the gameplay...and yet it was brought back for Super Smash. Bros Ultimate! It's a nice tune to listen to but if it had to have some use in-game, it should've been used as part of a medley or during a rest section in the game's Adventure Mode or something other than a stage track.


COMING SOON: Probably a blog post about my favourite pieces of music from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, although not until the new year.

Tenology: Songs That Haven't Aged Well

Kicking things off in December is a blog post looking at ten Rock/Metal songs containing lyrics that probably wouldn't fly if released in 2018. These politically incorrect lyrics might not be overtly racist or sexist in their themes but they definitely contain lines that would trigger certain individuals, and with good reason too; after all, the past is a foreign country but unlike how we'd treat foreign countries and cultures now, let's take a humorous look at some of these offensive lines from songs you thought you loved before you realised just how horrible and tasteless some of the words were!

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post will contain examples of...
Xenophobia
Homophobia
Sexism
Racism
Toxic masculinity/male privilege
And some lesser offences.


1. "Every Picture Tells A Story" - Rod Stewart

"The women I've known I wouldn't let tie my shoe,
They wouldn't give you the time of day,
But the slit-eyed lady knocked me off my feet,
God, I was glad I found her".

The story told in this picture is OFFENSIVE DEPICTIONS OF ASIAN PEOPLE!!!

I love this song for its great guitar-based melody and occasionally witty lyrics, although the lines about the "slit-eyed lady" in this song about a guy travelling the world just to get his end away don't do the track any favours. You could argue that Rod's singing it from the perspective of a young lad who still has a lot to learn about women and life, hence the ignorant views of the world, but at the end of the day, the repeated use of "slit-eyed lady" even after the character's found true love suggests it's not that simple. Factor in that Rod's actually started omitting lines about the Asian female during live performance and you've got a track that even the writer believes hasn't aged well, which is saying something considering that people generally get more racist as they grow old.


2. "Money For Nothing" - Dire Straits

"The little faggot with the earring and the makeup,
Yeah buddy, that's his own hair,
That little faggot got his own jet airplane,
That little faggot he's a millionaire".

The only thing you're getting for nothing in this song is HOMOPHOBIA!!!

Even if this song wasn't eight minutes long, there's no doubt in my mind that the verse about the "faggot" on TV would be cut or at least changed in live/radio play. Mark Knopfler has previously defended the lyric, stating that it's not coming from his perspective as a vocalist but rather the character's perspective in the song; a working man who says it how it is, even if that means using derogatory language. After years of controversy, Mark's changed the lyric to "Queenie" but you could still argue that the notion of a guy wearing earrings and makeup automatically making him homosexual is offensive in its own way. Thankfully, there are multiple edits of this track that remove that lyric so modern listeners who may not have heard the original lyrics can still enjoy the awesome guitar riffs and chorus without being subjected to hate.


3. "God & Guns" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

"God and guns keep us strong,
That's what this country was founded on".

Not exactly a form of prejudice but I don't see as many people cheering for this in 2018

Some people have assumed that "Gimme Back My Bullets" was Lynyrd Skynyrd's attempt at firing back against gun control, although that song was largely in reference to their chart positions with single releases. However, there's no doubt whatsoever that "God & Guns" is the band (not a character, the band themselves) showing full support of Christianity and the right to own things that are literally built to kill people. A decade ago, this song probably didn't raise many eyebrows when it was released. However, flash forward to 2018 where a school shooting happens every week in America and suddenly, the lyrics don't seem that persuasive. They come across as ignorant and repetitive due to lack of convincing arguments for owning firearms, although the music's good.


4. "Don't Try Suicide" - Queen

"Don't try suicide, nobody's worth it,
Don't try suicide, nobody cares".

Yeah, I don't think this one was ever considered for Bohemian Rhapsody...

Of all the songs in this list, "Don't Try Suicide" is the only one that hasn't aged well due to the lyrics AND music. The lyrics may be anti-suicide, which is fine, but the music and bouncing vocal melody of "Don't try suicide" is far too jolly and upbeat for a topic that many nowadays would consider the result of serious mental illness. There's also the blunt nature of the lyrics, claiming that "Nobody gives a damn" if you kill yourself. Whilst I can understand the reverse-psychology nature of the lyrics, surely someone in the band must've pointed out that telling someone who potentially wants to end their own life that they're worthless and unloved is a terrible idea.


5. "Illegal Alien" - Genesis

"The sun is shining so I head for the park,
With a bottle of Tequila and a new pack of cigarettes".

Back to the offensive lyrics with a hot batch of RACIAL STEREOTYPING!!!

There are a few lyrics I could've picked to demonstrate how poorly this song has aged but to me, the ones in the first verse do a good job. All the way through this song about a Mexican fellow who's decided to sneak across the border, Phil Collins sings with a noticeable accent that comes across as kinda off-putting now and then (particularly in the lyrics specified above). This might not be quite as startling as some of the entries on this list but I reckon if a band as popular as Genesis were around the time of this album's release came out with a song boiling a culture down to base-level stereotypes, there'd be at least a bit of uproar on the Internet.


6. "Make Love Like A Man" - Def Leppard

"Make love like a man,
I'm a man, that's what I am, yeah".

How about you make like a dated view of gender norms and get out of here?!

Another song with painfully embarrassing lyrics yet somewhat decent Hard Rock music, making it all the more difficult for someone who wants to listen to this song. Joe Elliott himself has claimed that the song probably hasn't aged too well due to sexist claims of toxic masculinity (not in this exact words, mind) and the band haven't played it live for a while...and yet, it was still included on Def Leppard's brand new compilation album The Story So Far... The Best Of Def Leppard. Also included on this album is the song "Man Enough" off the band's most recent album, not to mention a complete omission of any songs from On Through The Night, the band's first and greatest album to date. Smooth moves, lads!


7. "Island Girl" - Elton John

"Well she's black as coal but she burn like a fire,
And she wrap herself around you like a well-worn tire".

Rock of the Westies? More like Rock of the XENOPHOBIC SEXISM!!!

We've got a combination of triggers right here. A bit of racial stereotyping with the intentionally poor grammar and references to skin colour in the lyrics, mixed with some crass remarks about how she'll "wrap herself around you like a well-worn tire". Once again, it's a shame because the music is quite catchy and the vocal melody in the chorus is great. If the lyrics weren't about an "Island Girl" but some other kind of woman, maybe this song would be a bit more popular.


8. "(You Can Still) Rock In America" - Night Ranger

"You can still rock in America,
Ah yeah, it's alright".

Is Toxic Patriotism a thing? Let's go with TOXIC PATRIOTISM!!!

I could've picked many songs for this same reason. Originally, it was going to be "Born In The USA" - Bruce Springsteen but I feel like Night Ranger's song captures the attitude in a much more ignorant, over-the-top way. In the 80s, the "America, Fuck Yeah!!" state of mind was not only acceptable but also rewarded. Compare this to nowadays where the country is going through transitional period from world superpower to global embarrassment and spouting nonsense about how fucking awesome America is and how great it is to be American is kind of looked down upon, at least by most civilised societies. By the way, this isn't me being specifically anti-America; I think anyone showing the levels of patriotism for their country to the extent that Night Ranger did here also warrants the same reaction.


9. "Dio" - Tenacious D

"It's time to pass the torch,
You're too old to rock, no more rockin' for you".

Yes, THIS is the Tenacious D lyric that I'm picking for possibly causing offence

Tenacious D have written songs about fucking and squeezing out a Cleveland steamer on someone's chest but to me, the song that hasn't aged well is the one about legendary vocalist Ronnie James Dio. Tenacious D may have written it as a tribute to the man but the lyrics about him passing the torch and being taken to a retirement home come across as a little insensitive when you realise that Dio's since passed away. I know it wasn't meant to sound insensitive but they must've considered that Dio wasn't going to live forever and writing a song about him being unable to play music anymore so that Tenacious D can take his place instead would have the unintended consequence of making them sound a little...well, dickish?


10. "In The Summertime" - Mungo Jerry

"Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see what you can find".

Advocating the consumption of alcohol whilst operating an automobile? Shame on Mungo Jerry!

The last entry on this list is quite special as it contains two separate lyrics with different reasons to potentially feel offended. First up, we have the ones mentioned above that gleefully advise drink driving for the sole purpose of finding a woman. Not a line that's aged well when you look at the way social attitudes towards drink driving has changed in the last 40 years but the second line is probably more concerning. Shortly after this lyric, we get: "If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, if her daddy's poor, just do what you feel". Combine this with the fact that we know alcohol is involved and WHAM! You've got yourself a piping hot serving of rape culture, right there! It's an easy lyric to miss when you're busy listening to the jovial melody and "CH! CH-CH!"s but trust me, it's in there and it's not a mindset that's taken lightly in 2018.


Have I missed any Rock/Metal songs with politically incorrect lyrics that need a spotlight shone on them? I've got a couple on the backburner for a sequel to this post but for now, there's your ten! There won't be a Spotify playlist for these songs as it doesn't really serve a purpose that showing and analysing the lyrics doesn't already fulfil.
COMING SOON: About six more posts before the end of the year!

Tenology: Terrible Album Artwork

As requested by @ataeaf on Twitter, the latest Tenology post is taking a look at album artwork from Rock/Metal albums that doesn't quite do the music any favours.
Before I start, it should be noted that this post is largely going to be the work of opinion (as always). Art is subjective and what may be absolutely awful to me might be the greatest image in the world to someone else. However, along with each album cover I'll be compiling, I'll be discussing why I strongly dislike the artwork and possibly even what could've been done to improve it, even offering some comparisons to similar but superior artwork to show that I'm not completely talking out of my arse.


1. ...Very 'Eavy ...Very 'Umble - Uriah Heep

The debut album from 70s Hard Prog outfit, Uriah Heep (expect a review of their new album coming soon!). Compared to some of their later albums with fantastic, magical imagery to compliment their Sword & Sorcery themed music, this album cover just looks off-putting. I don't know about you but when I pick up an album, I like to do it without feeling that I immediately need to scrub my hands clean afterwards. Thankfully I've never touched this album physically but just looking at the cobweb covered face of what may be a corpse within the narrative of the cover doesn't entice me to listen to the material contained within. You can also compare this album cover to the similar close-up of a horrified face on In The Court Of The Crimson King by King Crimson. The art style of that album cover and the lack of any additional gross aspects (like sticky cobwebs) makes it striking and intriguing rather than murky and gross.


2. World On Fire - Slash featuring Myles Kennedy and The Conspirators

I know what you're thinking; why am I featuring this album in a list of terrible album artwork instead of Slash's new album, Living The Dream? Don't worry, I'll get onto the terrible album artwork of that one once I review the album on the blog. For now, let's look at this piece of shit. When the single "World On Fire" dropped, the artwork contained a smiley face with a skull inside it (pictured as a tiny, easily missable pic in the top left corner of the album here) and it looked pretty neat! I was expecting a similar treatment of the rest of the band, smiley faces with skeletal influences for all the band members, similar to Deep Purple albums In Rock and Burn or even the Guns N' Roses debut Appetite For Destruction. Instead, we get a load of random junk that's inexplicably themed around The Simpsons. It's ugly and tacky, although I think the ugliness comes from most of the junk being melted. I'm giving the album the benefit of the doubt and guessing the melted crap is because the World is On Fire...get it? Yeah, still a lame cover.


3. Power Metal - Pantera

This is Pantera's fourth studio album. Their fourth. They recorded and released three studio albums before this and this is what the thought was good enough to sell their fourth record. I know most people immediately leap to Metal Magic as the example of terrible album artwork and don't get me wrong, the artwork DOES suck for that one too. However, by the fourth album, you should be trying a bit harder than a black background and a photo of the band doing their best Blue Steels inside a red explosion frame straight outta Microsoft Word. Thankfully, the band did a complete U-turn on their image and music for their next album, Cowboys From Hell. That doesn't mean they get a free pass for what has to be the most embarrassing start for a Metal band in all the history of a genre. Never forget that before they released mediocre Groove Metal amplified by a talented guitarist, they released three Hair Metal albums and one Heavy Metal (not Power Metal) one. Utter shambles.


4. Blind Faith - Blind Faith

I was hesitant about including the actual album artwork on this blog as this is a picture of a naked 11 year old girl (similar to original album artwork for Virgin Killer - Scorpions, featuring a naked 12 year old girl) in front of what appears to be the Windows XP background about 30 years before the picture was even taken. I'm not entirely sure why these Rock bands want naked pubescent girls as the face of their records, as I wouldn't normally associate Blind Faith or Scorpions with wanting an audience of pedos, but the fact that there is no alternate artwork for this album does it no favours. The artwork should've been...I mean, literally anything else. Literally any other picture that has nothing to do with naked schoolgirls, it's fucking obvious. Anyway, since I had to search for this album cover and ended up finding multiple versions that were all unusable, I'm probably on some kind of register now. Bye guys, it was nice writing for you all!


5. Pinewood Smile - The Darkness

Man, I loved this album but fucking hated the artwork. Where do we start? First off, we've got a smile that looks seedy and kinda gross with the facial hair up-close. Then we've got the weird photoshopping of the band onto the smile in ways that don't quite belong. Finally, there's the complete shift in style from previous artwork such as Last Of Our Kind which featured a great drawing of a fighter pilot similar to Ed Repka's drawings of Vic Rattlehead. I will always prefer a beautifully drawn image over a weird, unsettling and poorly shopped image that may or may not have relevance to the album title. Seriously, if the smile was drawn in an exaggerated, caricatured fashion, this artwork would be a lot better. You know I'm right.


6. Lita - Lita Ford

Whilst it's not quite as disgusting or off-putting as previous album covers listed, I've always had a problem with the album artwork for Lita simply because it's the least sexy cover that's trying to be sexy I can honestly think of. Before you start accusing me of all sorts, I have no problem with Lita Ford's general appearance (she looks pretty damn hot in other album artwork, especially the art for the "Kiss Me Deadly" single). However, the photographer and producer who ended up signing off on this picture being the choice for the album needed a stern talking to. The attractive Lita Ford looks miserable and awkward in this pose, completely the opposite of what they should've been going for. I'm not sure if this is Lita attempting to riff on objectifying and borderline misogynistic uses of women on album covers from the past but it doesn't quite go far enough to drive the point home for me. Instead, it looks like a desperate cougar mom's photoshoot currently mid-midlife crisis.


7. Volcanic Rock - Buffalo

Yup, that's a rock penis being held up by the muscled person with the pubes. That's not all, the volcano pictured represents a menstruating woman as shown by the rear side of the album. It's been heavily criticised in the past for being misogynistic (a word that frequently comes up when discussing terrible Rock album artwork) but much like the band themselves, those complaints faded away and died a death of obscurity...until I went ahead and reminded people that this band and album still exist! Offensive depictions of sexuality aside, the album artwork isn't all that bad. The colour scheme is great and the title Volcanic Rock is a good name for the record; it's just a shame they had to ruing everything by representing the album's title with a stone cock and pussuvius.


8. Lick It Up - KISS

This is just one of the laziest, dullest ideas for an album cover from a band as flamboyant and excessive as KISS. All four band members posing in front of the camera with only one visible tongue on an album called Lick It Up. This is a somewhat iconic album in the KISS collection due to it being the first time they've gone without their signature makeup since taking off. Here's the kicker though; about three years before this album came out, KISS released an album called Unmasked. If EVER there was a time to show the band without makeup, it would've been for that album cover. For Lick It Up, there should've been some stylised drawing featuring tongues and, maybe, a bit of "sexiness" or something other than this last minute attempt at album art. Hell, they could've pulled a Motley Crue and parodied The Rolling Stones with a KISS coloured giant tongue in a grinning mouth. That would've been pretty neat, albeit legally questionable.


9. Mosquito - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

I only found out about this album cover fairly recently and I hate it. However, I can acknowledge that there are some positives about it. For starters, the CGI imagery is pretty crisp and the perspective makes for an interesting angle. However, none of that is enough to redeem the fact that Yeah Yeah Yeahs signed off on an album cover featuring a gigantic mosquito sucking the blood out of a crying child's rectum mid-feed of what looks like radioactive baby food. There's a difference between unsettling album artwork like Americana - The Offspring and this, as one is bizarre yet eye-catching whilst the other's just...well, this. Also, are they ever-so-slightly piggybacking on the iconic album artwork of Nevermind - Nirvana? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, although the whole anus-sucking thing still applies. This is the kind of artwork I'd expect to see on a Shock Rock nobody's record, not some Indie twinks' fourth LP.


10. I Get Wet - Andrew W.K.

Just have a good look at this prick. With his greasy wet hair and his ruby red lips, how can anyone not want to smack him one? Maybe that's why his nose is bleeding all down his face and fucking neck, someone had enough of this guy constantly banging on about partying and lamped him. Seriously, if you've ever looked at Andrew W.K.'s Twitter account, it's all shit about partying. All the fucking time, it's some bollocks about "party rules" or "never stop partying" and all sorts of crap like he's still desperately clinging to the one song that people know him for. Remember his appearance at E3 when he played that song for the shooter? Can you remember either the name of his song OR the shooter? Guess what, it had thudding percussion and piano in it, almost exactly like his other song. Where was I? Oh yeah, this album cover sucks. Even if my theory about it being a reference to Andrew's punchability is true, it's still off putting to look at and the fact that he looks like  90s Dave Grohl doesn't sit well with me. This should've been an inside sleeve and the outside should've had him looking perfectly fine.


I may do another one of these blog posts in the future if I can find enough examples of terrible album artwork to fill second list WITHOUT resorting to using one from Cannibal Corpse. I'll feature indecent pictures of young girls over one of their fucking covers, Jesus.

Tenology: Even More Terrible Rock/Metal Lyrics

Another Tenology post about lyrics? Darn straight, although this one isn't about Mondegreens; it's about poorly thought through lyrics in the world of Rock and Metal. This is the third one of these posts I've done so some of the songs might be deep cuts and some of the lyrics might not be as bad as "terrible". However, if the lyrics are poor, the lyrics are poor and this is where we get to laugh at them!

1. "I'll Be There For You" - The Rembrandts

"When it hasn't been your day, your week,
your month or even your year"

One of the most 90s-est album covers ever...*clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*

Kicking this list off is the popular theme to the TV show Friends, notable for the introductory guitar riff, rapid claps in the verse and catchy chorus. However, there's one line that's always bothered me when I think about it. For those who don't know the song (...what, they might exist!), the first verse talks about how crappy life can be for you. It then talks about when life is stuck in second gear and how you haven't had a good day, week, month or "even" year...and that's where I take issue. I get that the rhyme works well but if you think about it, shouldn't "even" go before day? Years are longer than months, weeks and days so it'll be a lot harder for it to be "your" year than "your" month, week or day. Since days are the shortest, it's therefore logically the easiest for it to be good for you so "even" should come before day. I admit that I'm splitting hairs with this line so let's look at a song with lyrics that we can all agree are terrible.


2. "Debora" - Tyrannosaurus Rex

"Oh Debora, always look like a zebra"

Oh Marc Bolan, you never did get the hang of the lyrics part of songwriting

Most of you may know this song from the film Baby Driver and how Edgar Wright named a character Deborah just so he could include a scene where the characters laugh about this lyric...and with good reason! The rhyme of "Debora" and "Zebra" is so godawful that it makes you wonder why anyone would even bother forcing it to begin with. Choose a different rhyme scheme or something; imagine how bad "Eleanor Rigby" would've been if The Beatles tried to find rhymes for that name. Not only that but has any woman in the history of humanity ever been complimented by the comparison of her to a striped horse-like creature, or indeed non-striped for that matter? Just a terrible, terrible lyric.


3. "She's A Genius" - Jet

"She only listens to the radio,
To see who's alive"

I wonder if the girl this song's about is called Sharona...

Whilst I'm aware that these lyrics aren't meant to be taken literally, I believe there's an argument to be made for their inclusion in this post regardless of how you interpret them. First, there's the literal meaning; girl literally uses the radio to determine who's still alive, which simply doesn't work. Then there's the figurative meaning; girl listens to the radio to know who's popular, which means she's got a shit taste in music because she only cares about what everyone else likes. I dunno about you about if I'm going to try to convince listeners that a girl is a genius through song, I wouldn't want to establish her terrible taste in music before I've even reached the first chorus!


4. "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)" - Aerosmith

"'Cause falling in love is so hard on the knees"

No, this isn't a Rolling Stones lyric...although the song does contain a different Rolling Stones lyric

This is the second time a song from Nine Lives has appeared in a blog post detailing terrible lyrics but this time, we're not mocking poor rhyme schemes and nonsensical sentences. This time, we're looking at Aerosmith's ability to create the most ridiculous, cringeworthy, eighth-grade lyrics about romance that one of the supposedly "wildest" Rock bands in the world just keeps on pumping out. This is the kind of lyric that sounds like part of a joke on The Simpsons about an ageing Rock band on their 50th anniversary world tour; they may as well have called the song "Make Love Or Make My Supper" or "Sleep With Me Before I Fall Asleep In My Armchair During A Countdown Repeat".


5. "Sweet Little Sister" - Skid Row

"She blew my mind behind the record machine...
...She's my sweet little, sweet little sister"

It's either "record" or "wrecking" machine; my argument still remains

OK, this one requires some context. First up, I absolutely love this song. It's my favourite Skid Row song (yes, even over "18 And Life" and "Youth Gone Wild") and for the most part, the vocal delivery and lyrics are pretty damn great. However, whenever I listen to it, there's always something in the back of my mind that doesn't sit right after hearing the above two lines at the start and chorus of the song. When you factor in Skid Row's general image and musical style,"She blew my mind behind the record/wrecking machine" can only be taken as a sexual metaphor but "She's my sweet little, sweet little sister" implies that "she" is related to him. Even if it's not the intended denotation, the connotation that the singer is getting oral pleasure from his sister still exists all because he sung "she's my" instead of "she's A" or "she's YOUR sweet little sister". I still love the song, though.


6. "Lonely Is The Night" - Billy Squier

"Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone"

I'm ashamed to say that it took way too long for me to notice this lyric

Billy Squier coming in with the piping hot observations. "Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone"? No fuckin' shit, Billy! What other pearls of wisdom have you got for us, "Teapots are useful only when they contain tea"? "A sport is not a sport if it's not a sport"? Once again, it's unfortunate that this terrible lyric not only belongs to Squier's signature song but is also the very first line he sings. Take note: if you're going to write a song with the intention of making it a radio hit, don't drop the ball in the opening line.


7. "Diggin' Me Down" - Ozzy Osbourne

"How will I know you, Mr. Jesus Christ"

I want to see a fight between Mr. Jesus Christ and Mr. Crowley

This lyric probably doesn't deserve to be called "terrible" but let's face it, it's still a bit naff. Saying "Mr. Jesus Christ" is the kind of thing a child or stereotypical Latin American maid would do, certainly not the Prince Of Darkness. There's always been an element of silliness in Ozzy Osbourne lyrics but this is one of the few examples that made me laugh out loud when I heard it. However, since it's (probably) Ozzy's last studio album and it contains a collection of awesome Metal music, I can forgive him for saying "Mr. Jesus Christ". Besides, at least Ozzy seems aware of his silliness, unlike his Heavy Metal counterpart, Ronnie James Dio. Speaking of Dio...


8. "Stargazer" - Rainbow

"There's no sun in the shadow of the wizard"

I'm beginning to think maybe RJD wasn't the lyrical wordsmith the entire Metal community says he was

Look out Billy Squier, looks like there's a contender for the Most Obvious Lyrics In Rock award that I've just created. I remember reading a quote about Dio that said something along the lines of "He never overestimated himself, nor underestimated himself". I agree with the second part. Ronnie's lyrics, whether they're from his time in Rainbow, Black Sabbath or Dio, contained fantastic mythological imagery but sometimes, he took himself a bit too seriously. Take this lyric: the declaration that shadows contain no sunlight is dumb but by adding something about wizards in there, Dio tried to pass it off as something majestic and awesome. Once you take a step back and listen to the lyrics without realising that it's Dio singing them, a lot of his material just sounds ridiculous. Of course, a lot of it sounds awesome too but that's not what this post is about.


9. "Uh! All Night" - KISS

"Well, we work all day and we don't know why"

KISS: Undisputed champions of writing songs about shagging

This album came out in the mid-80s, well into KISS' career as Shock Rock superstars. By this point, they will have made shitloads of cash on tours, music and (most importantly) merchandise. In other words, they were comfortably wealthy. As a result, lines like "we work all day and we don't know why" come across as a little...well, Let-Them-Eat-Cakey. KISS strike me as a band that would question why people would work all day if they don't like it, completely unaware that the average blue-collar fan of Rock needs to work to survive. If they want to write songs about getting laid, that's one thing, but trying to connect with the average Joe working 9-5 to make ends meet is a bad idea for a band like KISS. Bands like Bachman-Turner Overdrive and Lynyrd Skynyrd can write those songs, KISS can't.


10. "Sex On Fire" - Kings Of Leon

"You, your sex is on fire"

Remember when Kings Of Leon used to be a Rock band? Then they wrote this fucking song

No, I don't like this song. In fact, I'd even say that I hate it. It's bland and safe, exactly the opposite of what good Rock should be. However, we're not here for the tepid guitarwork or dull percussion in the verse; we're here for the lyrics in the chorus, namely the line that contains the title of the song. I'm guessing he's saying that they're having a cracking shag as opposed to the literal interpretation of spontaneous genitalia combustion but the term "your sex is on fire" sounds like something from a Steel Panther or Red Hot Chili Peppers track, definitely not the kind of lyric that belongs in a song like this. It's over the top and almost a parody of the kind of shit Hair Metal bands would write, yet Kings Of Leon seem to be delivering it non-ironically? I don't know and I don't care enough about the band to actually research whether this was meant to be a piss-take in the same way "(You've Got To) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" - Beastie Boys was. All I know is I don't much care for the lyric...or song...or band...Youth And Young Manhood was a good album though.


One day, I need to write a blog post about GOOD lyrics in Rock/Metal, as I've definitely been thinking of a couple recently. Maybe in October, as I don't want to do too many lyric-based Tenology posts in a short space of time.

Tenology: Mondegreens In Rock/Metal

Mondegreen, noun: A misheard lyric of a song, typically a phrase rather than a single word.

One of the many Tenology posts currently in the works deals with Mondegreens in Rock/Metal music old and new. When assembling this list, I tried to avoid choosing songs with forced misinterpretations that clearly sound nothing like the original lyrics, instead opting for lyrics that are either well known Mondegreens or ones that I've personally misheard over the years.
Underneath each track is an embedded YouTube video that starts just before the Mondegreen in question. However, since videos get taken down every day, I'll also be including a Spotify playlist at the bottom of this post along with the exact time of the Mondegreen for said Spotify track. Again, the time listed in the title is for the Spotify track, NOT the YouTube one.


1. "Paranoid" - Black Sabbath (2:20)

Lyric: "And so as you hear these words, telling you now of my state".
Mondegreen: "And so as you hear these words, telling you now I want my steak".



Of all the lyrics that I've misheard over the years, this is the one that probably surprised (and embarrassed) me the most. I only discovered the real lyrics after singing this song on Rock Band with one of my friends, outing myself as a classless fool who didn't know the real lyrics to a Black Sabbath song. Fortunately, I don't think he gave a shit and my social status remained untouched that day. To be honest, I prefer the delivery of "I want my steak" and will always hear those words when I listen to this song.


2. "Kid Charlemagne" - Steely Dan (3:26)

Lyric: "Careful what you carry".
Mondegreen: "Care for wine, Drew Carey?"



I once read a heated debate in a YouTube comment section as to whether the lyric in a song about drug dealers was about caution when transporting goods to a car or offering the host of Whose Line Is It Anyway a glass of Pino Grigio. It went on for some time and the only purpose it served was allowing me to list it as a Mondegreen some 10 years or so later. Whilst I've never made the mistake of thinking the lyric was genuinely about Drew Carey myself, I can hear both versions when I listen to it.


3. "Turn Up The Radio" - Autograph (1:33)

Lyric: "The only time I turn it down, is when I'm sleeping it off".
Mondegreen: "The only time I turn it down, is when I'm feelin' it up".



Unlike "Paranoid", this Mondegreen is one that I may have made myself but didn't believe was genuine for years. I listened to this song and wasn't sure if he was singing about feeling music up although didn't care enough about the real lyrics enough to do a five second Google search. However, after knowing the correct lyrics, I feel like that's all I can hear now. However, if you find a version of this song with weaker audio quality, you might mishear the lyrics too.


4. "Blinded By The Light" - Manfred Mann's Earth Band (0:11)

Lyric: "Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner...".
Mondegreen: "Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche, another runner...".



Continuing the trend of alternating personal Mondegreens with fairly well known ones, this song contains arguably one of the most common Mondegreens in existence. I mean, just listen to it! They must've heard the chorus after recording it and thought "Hmmm, that kinda sounds like we're talking about wrapping up douches. Should we do another take?" before deciding to take an early lunch instead. Ah well, at least this isn't the band's signature song or anything...


5. "Footloose" - Kenny Loggins (2:37)

Lyric: "Gotta take the hold of all".
Mondegreen: "I'll take the whole of Rome".



Another Mondegreen that I only believed because I couldn't figure out what the actual lyrics were when I first heard this song. I can't remember exactly why but at some point in my youth, I was typing out all the lyrics to this song and didn't have the common sense to simply Google the lyrics...so I tried to work it out phonetically and needless to say, ended up very confused. Now I know the actual words, I can hear "all" instead of "Rome" but you have to admit, the first part of the line still doesn't sound quite right.


6. "Hate Not Gone" - Stone Sour (2:10)

Lyric: "My Hell is running cold".
Mondegreen: "My Elvis wouldn't go".



This is one that I've coined but every time I hear this song, whenever it gets to the line before the chorus, I always hear "My Elvis wouldn't go". This line appears throughout the entire song but I've selected the line that I believe sounds the funniest when you imagine Corey Taylor lamenting the fact that his personal King Of Rock wouldn't do what he wanted. This isn't a well known song so I doubt this is a popular Mondegreen but of all the ones on the list, it's probably one of the easiest ones to hear.


7. "(You Can Still) Rock In America" - Night Ranger (1:23)

Lyric: "Not a sound as she makes her getaway".
Mondegreen: "Not a sound as she Mexican waves".


This is a Mondegreen that I genuinely thought was the actual lyric until I played this song on Clone Hero recently and saw the words "makes her getaway" instead of "Mexican waves". Granted, the actual lyric makes a hell of a lot more sense in the context of the song but I didn't dispute the idea of this fictional character figuratively (or literally) performing a Mexican wave in dead silence. Why? Not entirely sure although I can still hear both versions of the lyric when I listen to this song.


8. "Creeping Death" - Metallica (1:24)

Lyric: "So let it be written, so let it be done".
Mondegreen: "So let me retire, so let me die".



Whilst both lyrics are suitably badass for this absolute beast of a song, I personally prefer the version that I misheard when I first listened to this song. Since the song was called "Creeping Death", I think I naturally assumed the chorus would be about dying. However, some years after hearing it, I discovered that it was actually someone giving orders, kinda like the rest of the song. Should've figured it out but ah well, it's still a fucking great tune.


9. "La Dee Da" - Foo Fighters (0:18)

Lyric: "Jim Jones painting in a blue bedroom".
Mondegreen: "Chimp Trump's bleeding in a blue bedroom



When I first heard this song, I couldn't quite make out the lyrics and assumed it was about Trump due to Dave Grohl's unhappiness with American culture around the time of the album's conception. That and the previous line referring to the White House. Admittedly this isn't a well known Mondegreen (as far as I know) but don't worry, the last one's a bit more infamous.


10. "Fortunate Son" - Creedence Clearwater Revival (1:47)

Lyric: "I ain't no military son".
Mondegreen: "I ain't no milk terrorist's son".



Again, I quite like the term "milk terrorist" but I only discovered the true lyrics after a radio DJ also confessed to getting the lyrics incorrect when they listened to it. Even though I can sort of hear "military son" when I really listen for it, "milk terrorist's son" just sounds more natural. Song's still great, though.




Are there any well known or lesser known but equally amusing Mondegreens in Rock/Metal I've missed? Let me know via Twitter or in the comment section, as I'm probably gonna do another one of these posts in the future if I can find enough examples.

Tenology: Great Song Uses In Video Games

Yes, it's a video game post but no, it's not about video game music!
Video games have come a long way over the last couple of decades, not just in terms of graphics and gameplay but also music use. When game developers decided to license actual songs instead of relying entirely on music specifically made for the title, most of the time it was just to offer additional background music (see GTA radio stations). However, now and then, the game developers knew that certain gameplay moments couldn't be experienced without a specific track playing and that's what this post is all about; a celebration of those times when a song came on, the stars aligned and all was right with the world just for a few minutes.
These moments don't occur that often, which is probably what makes them even greater, but in no particular order, here are ten times that video games reached the next level (no pun intended) with their uses of licensed music and/or songs by real bands recorded specifically for a game. Note: I'm not including songs licensed just for the game's soundtrack that are heard randomly and without purpose; these songs have to be heard at scripted events to be counted. I'm also not including songs from rhythm music games (Guitar Hero, Rock Band, etc) and I'm aiming to only include one song per game franchise, so no repeat uses of Saints Row tracks.


1. "Children Of The Elder God" - Poets Of The Fall
Used in Alan Wake (2010)

Alan Wake is a game about a writer trying to survive an attack by vicious, possessed creatures in a dark wood. It largely involves a lot of walking, some gun play and a bit of psychological horror. However, one section takes you to a stage in the middle of the woods where the fictional band Old Gods Of Asgard used to play. The game then treats you to a level where the stage lights up and monsters attempt to attack you whilst this song plays from start to finish. Needless to say, it's fucking awesome (if not a little out of place). The song is technically by Poets Of The Fall although I believe the track is credited to their fictional name in the game. Either way, the combination of the great song, the fun level and the welcome break from all the creepiness makes this a highly memorable moment.


2. "Opposites Attract" - Paula Abdul
Used in Saints Row IV (2013)

Saints Row started off as a fun little GTA clone but soon evolved into something much, MUCH better when Saints Row IV came around (although I hear Saints Row The Third is also fantastic). There are many great song uses in this game, including a side mission where you do a pole dance to "Simply Irresistible" - Robert Palmer and escape from an alien mothership to "What Is Love" - Haddaway. However, my personal favourite is a little more low key than those. You're driving with your friend on your way to start the mission (some shooting/fighting affair, no big deal) when "Opposites Attract" comes on over the radio. Your character and your friend then proceed to sing along, playing both parts regardless of which gender or voice actor you choose to play The Boss. It's a particularly fun little section in a game filled with over-the-top missions and music moments...it also helped me get into this song and inspired me to learn all of the lyrics too, although let's not dwell on that.


3. "Painkiller" - Judas Priest
Used in Brutal Legend (2009)

This song was almost going to be "Children Of The Grave" - Black Sabbath or "Through The Fire And Flames" - DragonForce but then I remembered the final boss. Whilst those songs had great uses in this third person hack n slash/RTS inspired by the art and music of Heavy Metal, the final battle of the game is amplified all the more by this epic battle anthem. It's a shame the final boss itself is a lame battle on its own but this song takes it to far higher levels. Hopefully one day we'll get a Brutal Legend 2 before all the Rock/Metal musicians die and the tracks are too expensive to license but hey, at least we can always relive this game.


4. "Still Alive" - Jonathan Coulton
Used in Portal (2007)

Portal is regarded as one of the greatest video games due to its unique puzzle solving elements and humour, although I've never actually played much of it myself. I played a bit on a demo and can't say I cared for it but there is one thing I enjoyed: the song used in the credits. Another track written specifically for the game that sung from the perspective of the game's AI antagonist; a hauntingly optimistic look at the game's events that fans have praised for over a decade. Whilst my enjoyment of the song has faded since I first heard it, I still acknowledge that it's a necessary factor in what makes Portal such a memorable game. It's rightfully taken its place in video game Pop culture, much like "the cake is a lie"...although I prefer "Still Alive".


5. "Gone Guru" - Lifeseeker
Used in Dead Rising (2006)

Yep, I'm even including Hip Hop songs in this list. Whilst I couldn't give a shit about the rapping throughout, the opening guitar notes will always make me think of the prison inmates fight from Dead Rising. Basically, you're stuck in a supermarket overrun with zombies and somehow, a bunch of prisoners have not only escaped but acquired a military vehicle with a machine gun on it. They then drive to the park section of the supermarket where they proceed to spend the majority of the game driving around attempting to kill you instead of looting or, say, escaping. However, every time you enter the park with the convicts around, this song plays...and my God, it is chilling.
See, the zombies in this game are pretty easy to kill. The convicts, however? Pain in the arse. Not only that but they are lethal to any survivors you've got with you, making them a genuine threat to survival that you often have to navigate your way around rather than take head on. Oh, and they respawn. What this means is even after you successfully kill them, you can revisit the park and immediately realise that you're in for a challenge...all because of "Gone Guru" and those opening guitar notes. It's one of the game's scariest moments, all thanks to a single song. Well played, Capcom.


6. "Bad Voodoo" - Kreeps
Used in Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare (2010)

I'd probably be less inclined to include DLC expansions in this list if Undead Nightmare wasn't the single greatest DLC expansion to ever exist. Red Dead Redemption is a fun third person cowboy action game but Undead Nightmare mixes things up with the addition of zombies, completely changing the style of gameplay you might be used to and adding all new levels of fun to an already decent game. The music is creepy and atmospheric but towards the end of the game, you're tasked with riding to Mexico to seek someone out. You get on your horse, you start riding and BAM, this song comes in loud and proud. At first, it sounds like it could be part of the game's score but then the vocals come in as you storm across the fields of death. Most people claim "Far Away" - Jose Gonzales is a great use of licensed music in a game but I still love this song and use.


7. "She Changes Like The Weather" - Nic Armstrong
Used in Destroy All Humans! 2 (2006)

I loved this game when it first came out. Not just because destroying buildings and killing people as an alien was fun to a kid but the improvements made between DaH! and DaH!2 were phenomenal. New weapons, globetrotting locations, decent side missions, proper bodysnatching AND licensed music that sounded great. You'd think that a game taking place in the 60s would license a load of 60s Garage Rock but (presumably) to save on the costs, they instead went for modern music that SOUNDED like 60s Rock. One of the songs featuring prominently throughout the game is "She Changes Like The Weather", a sort of Beatlesque number with a catchy vocal melody. It can be heard near record shops AND towards the end of the game, it plays during a chaotic clash inside a moon base. Maybe it's just because the contrast of this peaceful sounding song and all the fighting going on reminds me of The Prisoner (they used "All You Need Is Love" - The Beatles during a gunfight in the final episode) but I loved hearing it during gameplay, even if it wasn't necessarily my favourite track licensed for the game. I also loved "Help You Ann" - Lyres playing during one of the side missions, although unfortunately that side mission can eat a dick.


8. "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked" - Cage The Elephant
Used in Borderlands (2009)

I'm not a big fan of FPS games but the intro to Borderlands was enough to convince me to give this a try. In the end, I gave it up because my PC couldn't handle it but enough about personal shit, let's talk music! The opening cinematic does an exceptional job of setting the tone, introducing the characters and giving us a snapshot of the world you're about to become a part of and it wouldn't be the same without the action choreographed to "Ain't No Rest For The Wicked". It's the perfect blend of gritty and wacky, just like Borderlands, and lyrically it's exactly the kind of message you need to understand everything you need to know about the characters. I've heard the second game has a decent use of "Short Change Hero" - The Heavy but this is the only game I've played of the Borderlands franchise, so this is the one that struck a chord with me.


9. "Mickey" - Toni Basil
Used in Lollipop Chainsaw (2012)

Another game with an underrated little soundtrack. Lollipop Chainsaw saw you playing as a cheerleader/zombie hunter who carried a comically oversized chainsaw and the still-alive severed head of her boyfriend as she aimed to save each member of her family from the undead. Whilst the game had several great licensed music uses (the Dead Or Alive song during the farm level was also a contender for this list), I never got tired of hearing "Mickey" play every time I powered up and entered sparkle mode or whatever the fuck it was called. It's a song that works not only as a cute little Pop number or the credits song but also as a battle anthem for tearing through zombies. Who knew?


10. "Get It Together" - The Go! Team
Used in LittleBigPlanet (2008)

I hated this game when I played it. I can't remember which level I got to but I remember the realistic gravity and 2D platforming did nothing but piss me off. However, there is one great thing about this game: the use of "Get It Together" - The Go! Team, a charming little Indie number used heavily in the game's promotion but also during some of the levels. The mediocre platforming sections are greatly improved by this quirky tune's presence and the fact that the song was previously associated with the game before appearing in a level makes the song feel like an accomplishment; you've earned the ability to hear this song as you play due to progressing to this point. Maybe I'm only thinking of it as an achievement because to me, playing the game for more than a couple of minutes was a slog, but either way I loved the track and am almost certain that this game...nah, it probably would've done well even without the licensed music.


Obviously there are other great uses of licensed tracks in video games that I've either neglected or simply didn't think were all that (yes, I'm aware of The Rolling Stones in Call Of Duty and yes, I've watched the introduction to Prey with "(Don't Fear) The Reaper"). If there are any music moments in games that you recommend and think I should check out, feel free to let me know in the comments or via Twitter.