Tenology: Even More Terrible Rock/Metal Lyrics

Another Tenology post about lyrics? Darn straight, although this one isn't about Mondegreens; it's about poorly thought through lyrics in the world of Rock and Metal. This is the third one of these posts I've done so some of the songs might be deep cuts and some of the lyrics might not be as bad as "terrible". However, if the lyrics are poor, the lyrics are poor and this is where we get to laugh at them!

1. "I'll Be There For You" - The Rembrandts

"When it hasn't been your day, your week,
your month or even your year"

One of the most 90s-est album covers ever...*clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*

Kicking this list off is the popular theme to the TV show Friends, notable for the introductory guitar riff, rapid claps in the verse and catchy chorus. However, there's one line that's always bothered me when I think about it. For those who don't know the song (...what, they might exist!), the first verse talks about how crappy life can be for you. It then talks about when life is stuck in second gear and how you haven't had a good day, week, month or "even" year...and that's where I take issue. I get that the rhyme works well but if you think about it, shouldn't "even" go before day? Years are longer than months, weeks and days so it'll be a lot harder for it to be "your" year than "your" month, week or day. Since days are the shortest, it's therefore logically the easiest for it to be good for you so "even" should come before day. I admit that I'm splitting hairs with this line so let's look at a song with lyrics that we can all agree are terrible.


2. "Debora" - Tyrannosaurus Rex

"Oh Debora, always look like a zebra"

Oh Marc Bolan, you never did get the hang of the lyrics part of songwriting

Most of you may know this song from the film Baby Driver and how Edgar Wright named a character Deborah just so he could include a scene where the characters laugh about this lyric...and with good reason! The rhyme of "Debora" and "Zebra" is so godawful that it makes you wonder why anyone would even bother forcing it to begin with. Choose a different rhyme scheme or something; imagine how bad "Eleanor Rigby" would've been if The Beatles tried to find rhymes for that name. Not only that but has any woman in the history of humanity ever been complimented by the comparison of her to a striped horse-like creature, or indeed non-striped for that matter? Just a terrible, terrible lyric.


3. "She's A Genius" - Jet

"She only listens to the radio,
To see who's alive"

I wonder if the girl this song's about is called Sharona...

Whilst I'm aware that these lyrics aren't meant to be taken literally, I believe there's an argument to be made for their inclusion in this post regardless of how you interpret them. First, there's the literal meaning; girl literally uses the radio to determine who's still alive, which simply doesn't work. Then there's the figurative meaning; girl listens to the radio to know who's popular, which means she's got a shit taste in music because she only cares about what everyone else likes. I dunno about you about if I'm going to try to convince listeners that a girl is a genius through song, I wouldn't want to establish her terrible taste in music before I've even reached the first chorus!


4. "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)" - Aerosmith

"'Cause falling in love is so hard on the knees"

No, this isn't a Rolling Stones lyric...although the song does contain a different Rolling Stones lyric

This is the second time a song from Nine Lives has appeared in a blog post detailing terrible lyrics but this time, we're not mocking poor rhyme schemes and nonsensical sentences. This time, we're looking at Aerosmith's ability to create the most ridiculous, cringeworthy, eighth-grade lyrics about romance that one of the supposedly "wildest" Rock bands in the world just keeps on pumping out. This is the kind of lyric that sounds like part of a joke on The Simpsons about an ageing Rock band on their 50th anniversary world tour; they may as well have called the song "Make Love Or Make My Supper" or "Sleep With Me Before I Fall Asleep In My Armchair During A Countdown Repeat".


5. "Sweet Little Sister" - Skid Row

"She blew my mind behind the record machine...
...She's my sweet little, sweet little sister"

It's either "record" or "wrecking" machine; my argument still remains

OK, this one requires some context. First up, I absolutely love this song. It's my favourite Skid Row song (yes, even over "18 And Life" and "Youth Gone Wild") and for the most part, the vocal delivery and lyrics are pretty damn great. However, whenever I listen to it, there's always something in the back of my mind that doesn't sit right after hearing the above two lines at the start and chorus of the song. When you factor in Skid Row's general image and musical style,"She blew my mind behind the record/wrecking machine" can only be taken as a sexual metaphor but "She's my sweet little, sweet little sister" implies that "she" is related to him. Even if it's not the intended denotation, the connotation that the singer is getting oral pleasure from his sister still exists all because he sung "she's my" instead of "she's A" or "she's YOUR sweet little sister". I still love the song, though.


6. "Lonely Is The Night" - Billy Squier

"Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone"

I'm ashamed to say that it took way too long for me to notice this lyric

Billy Squier coming in with the piping hot observations. "Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone"? No fuckin' shit, Billy! What other pearls of wisdom have you got for us, "Teapots are useful only when they contain tea"? "A sport is not a sport if it's not a sport"? Once again, it's unfortunate that this terrible lyric not only belongs to Squier's signature song but is also the very first line he sings. Take note: if you're going to write a song with the intention of making it a radio hit, don't drop the ball in the opening line.


7. "Diggin' Me Down" - Ozzy Osbourne

"How will I know you, Mr. Jesus Christ"

I want to see a fight between Mr. Jesus Christ and Mr. Crowley

This lyric probably doesn't deserve to be called "terrible" but let's face it, it's still a bit naff. Saying "Mr. Jesus Christ" is the kind of thing a child or stereotypical Latin American maid would do, certainly not the Prince Of Darkness. There's always been an element of silliness in Ozzy Osbourne lyrics but this is one of the few examples that made me laugh out loud when I heard it. However, since it's (probably) Ozzy's last studio album and it contains a collection of awesome Metal music, I can forgive him for saying "Mr. Jesus Christ". Besides, at least Ozzy seems aware of his silliness, unlike his Heavy Metal counterpart, Ronnie James Dio. Speaking of Dio...


8. "Stargazer" - Rainbow

"There's no sun in the shadow of the wizard"

I'm beginning to think maybe RJD wasn't the lyrical wordsmith the entire Metal community says he was

Look out Billy Squier, looks like there's a contender for the Most Obvious Lyrics In Rock award that I've just created. I remember reading a quote about Dio that said something along the lines of "He never overestimated himself, nor underestimated himself". I agree with the second part. Ronnie's lyrics, whether they're from his time in Rainbow, Black Sabbath or Dio, contained fantastic mythological imagery but sometimes, he took himself a bit too seriously. Take this lyric: the declaration that shadows contain no sunlight is dumb but by adding something about wizards in there, Dio tried to pass it off as something majestic and awesome. Once you take a step back and listen to the lyrics without realising that it's Dio singing them, a lot of his material just sounds ridiculous. Of course, a lot of it sounds awesome too but that's not what this post is about.


9. "Uh! All Night" - KISS

"Well, we work all day and we don't know why"

KISS: Undisputed champions of writing songs about shagging

This album came out in the mid-80s, well into KISS' career as Shock Rock superstars. By this point, they will have made shitloads of cash on tours, music and (most importantly) merchandise. In other words, they were comfortably wealthy. As a result, lines like "we work all day and we don't know why" come across as a little...well, Let-Them-Eat-Cakey. KISS strike me as a band that would question why people would work all day if they don't like it, completely unaware that the average blue-collar fan of Rock needs to work to survive. If they want to write songs about getting laid, that's one thing, but trying to connect with the average Joe working 9-5 to make ends meet is a bad idea for a band like KISS. Bands like Bachman-Turner Overdrive and Lynyrd Skynyrd can write those songs, KISS can't.


10. "Sex On Fire" - Kings Of Leon

"You, your sex is on fire"

Remember when Kings Of Leon used to be a Rock band? Then they wrote this fucking song

No, I don't like this song. In fact, I'd even say that I hate it. It's bland and safe, exactly the opposite of what good Rock should be. However, we're not here for the tepid guitarwork or dull percussion in the verse; we're here for the lyrics in the chorus, namely the line that contains the title of the song. I'm guessing he's saying that they're having a cracking shag as opposed to the literal interpretation of spontaneous genitalia combustion but the term "your sex is on fire" sounds like something from a Steel Panther or Red Hot Chili Peppers track, definitely not the kind of lyric that belongs in a song like this. It's over the top and almost a parody of the kind of shit Hair Metal bands would write, yet Kings Of Leon seem to be delivering it non-ironically? I don't know and I don't care enough about the band to actually research whether this was meant to be a piss-take in the same way "(You've Got To) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" - Beastie Boys was. All I know is I don't much care for the lyric...or song...or band...Youth And Young Manhood was a good album though.


One day, I need to write a blog post about GOOD lyrics in Rock/Metal, as I've definitely been thinking of a couple recently. Maybe in October, as I don't want to do too many lyric-based Tenology posts in a short space of time.