Tenology: Weak Remixes from Super Smash Bros.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has taken up a lot of my time this month so I thought I'd better write a blog post about the music throughout the series. However, since I've already written about some of my favourite Smash Bros. remixes in the past, this blog post is dedicated to some of the less impressive tunes made specifically for games in the Super Smash Bros. series.
Yes, even though the majority of songs are great, there are a couple of tracks that either contain Axls or just completely get it wrong. I've also added a few tunes that might be good but could've been even better if they just changed a few things around, since there aren't a huge amount of terrible Smash Bros. tracks.


1. Tal Tal Heights - Legend Of Zelda (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

This track probably should've been on Bridge Of Eldin but meh, Pirate Ship's fine I guess

I like the Tal Tal Heights theme but boy, was I disappointed with this remix. First of all, the synth and electronic sound effects make it sound like it belongs in Star Fox, not Legend Of Zelda. Second, the actual tune from Tal Tal Heights features in a very small portion of the actual track. Most of the melody is the standard Legend Of Zelda theme reworked and some jazzed up key changed bollocks. Overall, it's not a great tune for those who were looking forward to hearing a proper remix of Tal Tal Heights compared to the naff 8-bit original.


2. Main Theme (Metroid) - Metroid (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Easily the best Metroid stage in Smash...although Frigate Orpheon's good too

I've started this blog post off with some of the better bad remixes, if that makes sense. The Rock version of the Metroid theme contains a pretty sweet guitar solo, an appropriately used synth melody and a great arrangement throughout. However, there is one glaring Axl that prevents it from being a song I frequently listen to in-game; that cringe-worthy vocal intro. "SAMUS IS UNDER FIRE! SHE'S SENT AN EMERGENCY DIRECTIVE! JOIN THE FIGHT!". Oh man, it just sounds so out of place and unintentionally dorky. It ruins an otherwise awesome rerecording.


3. Magicant / Eight Melodies - Earthbound (Super Smash Bros. for 3DS/Wii U)

Still beats New Pork City!

I've never really cared for the Smash Bros. remixes of Earthbound music, although I've never given much time to the original music from Earthbound either. However, despite being a cute little stage, Magicant contains one of the more boring tracks to fight to in Smash Bros history. Smiles And Tears isn't that much better but this definitely feels like the less interesting track, especially when you consider that better remixes of Earthbound music to fight to DO exist! This stage needed a more upbeat track, similar to how Temple contained the spicy Fire Emblem tune as well as the slower Zelda one.


4. Flat Zone 2 - Mr. Game And Watch

Feed 'em to the lions!

The original Flat Zone melody from Super Smash Bros. Melee was kooky and neat for the odd stage but this shrill, awful attempt at using Game & Watch sounds to create a catchy melody is fucking terrible. You know how Mr. Game & Watch has that loud, annoying phone ringing noise as two taunts? Imagine that as a whole song but with some bland musical accompaniments thrown in too. Yeah, you're better off with the various Dr. Mario remixes here.


5. Rosalina In The Observatory / Luma's Theme - Mario

So many great tracks missing from this stage...

Ready to stop caring about what I have to say? Here goes: I don't like Mario music. The Ground Theme, the Underwater Theme, Super Mario World music, I don't like any of it. Consequently, I was really excited to hear great tunes from Super Mario Galaxy on this stage...until they ruined this one. I like the original versions of Rosalina In The Observatory from Super Mario Galaxy, even when they become grander and grander after obtaining more stars throughout the game. However, this remix sounds TOO grand and over the top. The use of brass for the main melody makes it sound like circus music rather than a cosmic waltz, although I can't fault them for trying to make the original music more appropriate for Smash Bros.


6. Pac-Man (Club Mix) - Pac-Man

Rest in Peace, Pac Maze

Just...why? Why does this tune exist? We already have a great Pac-Man remix, why does it need a Club Mix? OK, they needed two tunes for the Pac Maze stage in the 3DS Smash Bros but you had the Pac-Man's Park / Block Town tune that would've worked a hell of a lot better! Maybe they just wanted another melody that contained iconic tunes from the original Pac-Man but they could've done better than a shitty Club Mix, although perhaps I'm biased due to my musical taste.


7. Saria's Song / Middle Boss Battle - Legend Of Zelda

Another Zelda entry? Pfft, and I call myself a fan!

I've talked about how Smash Bros keeps awkwardly blending great tunes from The Legend Of Zelda with boss battle themes and it Never. Sounds. Good. Song Of Storms was great until Ganondorf's Theme was shoehorned in, Ballad Of The Goddess was awesome until Ghirahim's Theme was pointlessly crammed in and now Saria's Song, a lovely tune that sounds pretty naff in this remix alone, has been tainted by the synthy mess of the Middle Boss Battle theme from Ocarina Of Time. Just a truly shit piece of music.


8. Freakyforms: Your Creations, Alive! Medley - Freakyforms

Rest in Piss, Miiverse

There are some great little Nintendo titles to pick music from (still waiting for some Professor Layton tunes, even if Nintendo don't necessarily own the rights to a game that has only ever appeared on Nintendo consoles) but this definitely isn't one of them. It sounds like a worse version of the music from Tearaway but at least it improves a little once the guitars come in. It's just a shame that to get there, you have to listen to plinky plonky noise totally out of place on a Smash Bros fighting stage.


9. Main Theme (New Super Mario Bros.) - Mario

Yup, new Mario Bros music fucking sucks

Remember earlier on when I talked about how much I hate music from Mario Bros platformers? Yeah, this is a good example of why. Ignoring the silly sound effects and boring instrumentation, the thing I hate most about the music in New Super Mario Bros. (and other variants) is the "BA-BAAA" vocals throughout. A bunch of original Mario tracks in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U contain these annoying little vocal "BA"s and I fucking hate them. I don't know why, I just can't stand them and hate the songs that contain them. Fortunately, it's easier for me to convince people that this tune sucks because the rest of the music isn't great either.


10. The Roost - Animal Crossing

Oh hey again, Sonic and Lucario!

Whilst it's not godawful like some of the remixes on this post, The Roost doesn't belong in a Smash Bros game. In fact, even the game's director (Masahiro Sakurai), when commenting on how music for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was chosen based on how good they are to fight to, cited The Roost as a piece of music that didn't fit the gameplay...and yet it was brought back for Super Smash. Bros Ultimate! It's a nice tune to listen to but if it had to have some use in-game, it should've been used as part of a medley or during a rest section in the game's Adventure Mode or something other than a stage track.


COMING SOON: Probably a blog post about my favourite pieces of music from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, although not until the new year.