Here Is The News: December 2018 Edition

We've had some exciting news stories this year but I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt that the stories featured in this blog post are DEFINITELY ones from December!

ANCIENT PANTERA ALBUM DISCOVERED BURIED UNDERGROUND

90s Metal band Pantera are generally considered to have been popular in the early 90s with albums such as Cowboys From Hell and Vulgar Display Of Power. The band also released several disappointing albums in the 80s but archaeologists have recently discovered even older albums by the Groove Metal band buried deep beneath the surface of the Earth in the desert city of Alamogordo, New Mexico.

The album, entitled Witching Hour, was found in wooden crates containing hundreds of thousands of vinyl records all of the same album. Experts are unsure of exactly when the album was recorded, as the vinyl sleeves have deteriorated over time, but they believe the album dates back as far as 1963. This is especially impressive as none of the band members were even alive at this time.

"It's a fascinating discovery, one that I don't think any of us ever dreamt of making", lead archaeologist Jeremy Spake stated in an interview after the excavation. "We're used to finding old remains of merchandise that bands or record labels have tried to get rid of when they've made a catastrophic overestimation of popularity but never anything as important as a lost album! This could very well be the most significant archaeological discovery since that thing in Egypt last week".

It's unknown exactly why Pantera (pictured right) wanted to keep people in the dark about their past but some fans have theorised that it's to do with the drastic change in the band's sound over the years. Whilst most people will know them for their aggressive, thrashing riffs and furious solos, the material on Witching Hour is rather tame by comparison. Most of the vinyls were warped and unable to be played but some songs could be heard on a few records, tracks such as "My Daisy Chain" and "Love You Til The Sunrise" that sounded more like something off of a Monkees record than one of Pantera's.

Surviving members of Pantera have been unavailable for comment but since very few people can actually remember the obscure 1960s record, it's assumed that the band's legacy will remain untarnished by the borderline embarrassing material present on the band's earlier work. However, if history has shown us anything, it's that the Internet will certainly endeavour to preserve the band's newly discovered past, no matter how garish or humiliating.

MUSICIANS PROTEST ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME AGAIN

Various musicians from popular Rock and Metal bands have banded together to form a group protesting the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame and its methods for inducting artists. The group, consisting of Steve Miller, Pearl Jam, Bruce Dickinson and many others, have named themselves Musicians Advocating Democracy, or MAD for short.

MAD was founded after the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame 2019 inductees were announced, annoying various musicians and fans who were disappointed at iconic Rock bands such as Devo, Kraftwerk and LL Cool J being snubbed. This would be the straw the broke the camel's back, as the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame has repeatedly come under fire over the years by multiple musicians angry at being snubbed in favour of more commercial artists or over the futile gesture at being inducted into an imaginary hall of fame (pictured left).

According to their website, MAD believe that the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame should choose inductees based around a more democratic system of voting by fans and experts, similar to the one already put in place already only more in favour of the musicians snubbed by the organisation. Their website brief goes on to say "We don't demand change but we refuse to accept the authenticity of the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame until they make some changes. We are MAD and we will always be MAD until we are acknowledged".

Unfortunately, due to legal disputes over domain names, MAD have had to change the name on their website to avoid copyright infringement. MAD have since rebranded themselves online as the Underappreciated Musicians Advocating Democracy (or UMAD for short). The organisation has also gained its fair share of detractors, mostly popular Rock/Metal bands who have already been inducted into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame such as Bon Jovi (pictured right) and family members of legendary Rock artists such as Nina Simone and Tupac Shakur.

Whilst it's unclear exactly how long the snubbed musicians intend to remain MAD, one thing for certain is that the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame will continue doing what it's doing as long as people keep publicising it, whether it's with good press or bad press. With this in mind, members of (U)MAD have proposed renaming the organisation once again to reflect a more popular mindset in the hopes that people will respect their group over the Hall of Fame. The proposed name change is Underappreciated Musicians Advocating Democracy, Truth, Heritage and Opportunity, also known as UMADTHO.

ADAM LEVINE'S CLOWN COLLEGE GOES UNDER

Semi-professional clown Adam Levine has had to close down his specialist school for training party performers due to a complete lack of business over the recent years. The alleged entertainer reached some fame in the 2000s with his band Maroon 5 before he decided to go into the more popular art of circus buffoonery with his Internet show "Look At Me Everybody, I'm Adam Levine!".

Adam (pictured left) started up the Adam Levine Clown School For Young Clowns By Adam Levine in 2011, claiming that he wanted to "help young artists discover their true potential" with the added benefit of some self-promotion for his band of fellow clowns, Maroon 5. Unfortunately, despite reaching some mild acclaim with circus songs such as "This Love" and "Moves Like Jagger", the latter being incredibly popular among small children, Adam's inability to teach people in a meaningful way resulted in significant financial losses. Adam tried selling his collection of expensive coats and hats to earn enough money to keep his college open; sadly, this only garnered enough cash to sustain things for six and a half years.

When asked how he felt about the news of his college shutting its doors, Adam didn't seem too fussed. "It's a shame, yes, but I know that I'll be back on my feet in no time. I'm already working on some new music inspired by black people, since they seem to be pretty popular right now". Whilst some may have found his choice of words mildly offensive, Adam is no stranger to saying or doing things for the sole purpose of incredibly mild shock value.

The tattooed Pop star has attempted to drum up notoriety in the past through a variety of methods such as suing a video game company for their portrayal of a playable avatar (pictured right) that he gave full permission to use his likeness for, two full years after the game's release. He also recently came under fire for joining the growing list of hack musicians to claim Rock is dead or, in this particular case, "nowhere".

Much like the music of Maroon 5, these comments are generally forgotten about after a couple of months and after a bit of mild irritation, people contently carry on with their lives as if Adam never existed once again. Adam may have suffered a temporary setback with the closure of his clown college but with the confirmation of his upcoming album on the horizon, we won't have to wait long before putting up with his circus antics once again.


I hope you've enjoyed all the news I've brought to you this year. One more post and then bring on 2019!