An Axl is a single factor in a pretty awesome Rock/Metal song that spoils it, named after the Guns N' Roses vocalist Axl Rose whom I have determined to be the sole component in every one of their songs that prevents them from being truly great. Granted you can apply this to a bunch of other names known in the Rock community for screwing up perfectly working dynamics in bands (e.g. Yoko Ono, Van Hagar) but to me, none really convey the message that the song would otherwise be bloody brilliant if not for one whiny, mewling, self-obsessed, wankstain of a blemish quite like 'Axl'.
So what better way of introducing yet another dig at the portly GNR vocalist than an entire blog post dedicated to listing ten fuckups in Rock/Metal songs with his name attached to each of them? As usual, Tenology posts aren't the same as Top Ten posts. These are just ten tracks I've listed in no particular order, each with a category of Axl that I've tried to avoid repeating. Also, I'm not including songs from blog posts I've already written about terrible lyrics but if you'd like to read more on those Axls, have at it.
Time to start this celebration of negativity!
1. "Fast Train" - April Wine
Axl: Tempo change
Fuck me, that's an appealing album cover
Starting off with a fairly obscure song by Rock standards but an Axl just as strong as any other. If you've not heard this song, seek it out on Spotify or Youtube and listen to the first minute or so of it. It's a decent little Classic Rock number with a great acoustic riff and a sweet introduction of drums, bass and electric guitar after the first verse. It sounds like it's going to be a great tune and then it reaches the one minute mark and it all falls to shit.
Have you listened to it yet? It's OK, I'll wait.
Heard it now?
...
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE THEY THINKING?! It's not even a subtle change like some songs manage to pull off, it sounds clumsy and disorganised on every instrument like they only had one shot at recording the track and decided to keep the balls-up in. This is further backed up when the drummer returns to the original tempo during the guitar solo but sadly, it's not enough to erase this particularly striking blemish from an otherwise alright song.
2. "Deth Starr" - Tenacious D
Axl: Pointless reprise
Still my favourite song on the album
I remember being so hyped for this song when the album was announced. I'd found live footage of early versions of it in 2014 and probably contributed to at least half of the total view count watching it over and over and over again. It was an explosive bomb track that packed one hell of an intergalactic wallop and fortunately, the studio version lived up to my expectations...at least until I got to the 3:40 mark and the soft introduction came back again. Why did they include a minute-long reprise when all it does is slow down an energetic Hard Rock track and add absolutely zero humour?
It should've ended after 3:40, making it tight and perfect. Also, on the topic of things they should've done with this song, they missed a trick in the clean version lyrics. Instead of "get your ship together, mother trucker", they should've sung "get your ship together, space trucker" as a reference to the Deep Purple song. Would've been neat but ah well.
3. "Rock 'N' Roll Pest Control" - The Presidents Of The United States Of America
Axl: Guitar solo
You might remember this track from an episode of Futurama
This may be a cover version but since the original by the Young Fresh Fellows doesn't have the same guitar solo, I'm only applying the Axl to this recording. It also only really applies to this cover because everything else in the song is excellent, right down to the specific tones used for the guitar. The only thing that lets it down, and my God is it a letdown, is the truly godawful solo. Now I could've chosen from a vast pool of brilliant songs with bad guitar solos such as "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" - Blue Oyster Cult, "One Vision" - Queen or "Ah! Leah!" - Donnie Iris, but only once you've listened to the steaming pile of shite that is this song's solo will you understand why I chose this above all others.
It is, without a doubt in my mind, the single worst guitar solo I have ever heard or will hear in my entire life. It's so terrible that I've stopped listening to this song in public as I refuse to expose unwilling ears to what sounds like a 1970s computer being fucked to death.
4. "Golden Age Of Leather" - Blue Oyster Cult
Axl: Opening vocal chant
Whadda ya know? I included Blue Oyster Cult anyway!
This isn't one of Blue Oyster Cult's strongest albums but it has a few gems, including this one. However, it's easy to pass this one by if you can't make it past the 23 second vocal chant at the start. It's a right pile of artificial crap with naff lyrics that doesn't even have the right cadence at the end. Fortunately, if you buy this song, you can do what I did and change the start time of the song so it skips the chant, meaning it's not as bad as other Axls that appear in the middle of a track.
Plus, once the first 23 seconds are over, the rest of the song is ace! The second half with the increased tempo is possibly one of BoC's finest moments with a collection of epic Buck Dharma riffs and one of Rock's few suitable uses for a fade out during the outro. Just a shame the opening is enough to make you want to seek better music elsewhere.
5. "Dream On" - Aerosmith
Axl: Vocal pitch change
If I ever do a blog post on embarrassing debut album covers, remind me this one exists
I've never thought of myself as an Aerosmith fan due to their soft underbelly that's always present throughout their career. I know they wrote a song about inappropriate behaviour in a lift and some of their tracks have damn fine riffs (although I reckon that's mostly down to Joe Perry than Aerosmith as a unit) but I still think they're wet blankets in comparison to other Rock bands like The Who, a band that could write softer songs and still come across as a bunch of hard rockin' dudes. Anyway, this song off their debut is a pretty decent power ballad that eventually builds up to Steven Tyler screaming "Dream on!" towards the end. Normally, it'd sound badass. However, in this song, it sounds ridiculous.
I know Steve was insecure about the sound of his voice when they first started out and I can see why. I always picture him sucking helium out of a balloon before he starts screaming those lines. The funny thing is if you compare it to a rerecording by Aerosmith about 30 years or so later, the 2007 version sounds WAY better. It actually has power behind the vocals and makes the original sound utterly limp. Much like the live version of "Do You Feel Like We Do" - Peter Frampton, the rerecord deserves to replace the original as the true version of "Dream On". Until then, consider this another Axl.
6. "Rusty Cage" - Soundgarden
Axl: Slower section
Fuck "Black Hole Sun", THIS is top quality Soundgarden!
I bloody love this track. That echo effect on the vocals, that thick bass, that bizarre riff, that persistent drumbeat, it all comes together to make a Rock song that sounds like no other. The only thing that would make it perfect is if it ended at 2:56 on the dot before it could devolve into a sludgy poor-man's Black Sabbath knock-off. It ruins everything that was perfect about the song and forces you to listen to another minute and a half of shite.
If you're in the same boat as me and think the song would've been better had it completely shaved that slower section off, there's a version of that edit that appears in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on a radio station that may or may not be a single version. Unfortunately, you can't buy that version on iTunes (at least you couldn't when I last looked) but you can find that version on Youtube in pretty good quality so enjoy!
7. "Master Of Puppets" - Metallica
Axl: Too much build-up, not enough pay-off
Wonder how many metalheads I'll piss off with this opinion...
Metallica's signature song and, according to many of their die-hard fans, their best. It's a proper powerhouse of a track full of epic riffs and boasting one of Metal's greatest choruses. However, unlike typical Metallica tracks, this song starts off heavy and then introduces the softer part in the middle (the band have actually acknowledged that this was a play on their usual style). The result of this is a looooooot of build-up to get from slow soft melodies to slow heavy riffs and then to faster heavy music to introduce the solo. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if the solo was fast and furious enough but sadly, much like the "Pull Me Under" - Dream Theater solo, it's over before you know it.
To clarify, this isn't the same as me saying the solo is bad. It's actually a pretty decent solo but it needed to come sooner in the track. Alternatively, if the build up had to stay, it needed to maintain that ferocious energy right up until the return to the first section/verse. I'd argue that the music between 6:08 and 6:48 probably could've been cut or, if the softer section could be shitcanned, extended so that the end of the solo bursts straight into "Hell is worth all that". It would've kept the momentum going and brought the track length down to a much better 7:55, seeing as how the best Metallica songs all stay below the eight minute mark.
8. "Lucky Man" - Emerson, Lake & Palmer
Axl: Keyboard solo
This song loses the fucking plot when the synth comes in
I don't know much ELP but I do know this song and I have to say, I really like it up until the 3:21 mark when what I can only describe as gratuitous synth kicks in. It's a lovely, delicate Folk song with a suitable guitar solo earlier on that could've finished after that chorus but nope, instead you get another minute or so of utterly unnecessary keyboard pitch bending. There's a scene in an episode of Community where Chevy Chase is playing a keyboard solo involving pitch bending and rocks back and forth whilst making silly facial expressions which I can only assume was inspired by this song, as they both go together perfectly.
From what I've heard, they tend to cut out the shitty keys during live performances and there is a single edit which may do without it too. However, the full album version with gratuitous synth still exists and will always be a black spot on this otherwise wonderful song.
9. "Rock 'N' Roll Children" - Dio
Axl: "BANG!"
I was tempted to include this in a terrible lyrics post but decided against it, as it's only one word
There's something about Dio's lyrics that seem a bit pompous and almost silly at times. They're usually focused around mythology and if you're into that kind of storytelling in music, his songs are cracking. For me, they just take themselves a little too seriously which, when paired with synth, doesn't work regardless of how heavy the riffs or aggressive the shredding. However, this song's silly for a different reason. This is where Dio's music crosses into Spinal Tap territory as he sings "just like somebody slammed the door" shortly before he yells "BANG!". I'm sure it was intended to be awesome but it totally misses that mark and manages to sound even more ridiculous than if they actually used a door slamming sound effect.
The rest of the song is a serviceable Metal tune and luckily Dio doesn't pull anymore silly exclamations like that again, even when he sings about door slamming. However, the first and only time is enough to stop me from listening to this song without laughing or at least smiling. It's meant to sound so grand and magnificent and all I can picture is tiny little Dio in a sound booth shouting "BANG!" like a kid with a toy gun...and now you will too!
10. "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up)" - Fall Out Boy
Axl: Lack of a guitar solo
In an alternate reality where everything is 100% more awesome, this is what Coldplay sounds like
Whilst I intensely dislike Fall Out Boy and the scene they represent, they do have their moments. This is by far their strongest one to date and if it wasn't by them, I probably would've bought it on iTunes a long time ago. It's surprisingly heavy for them, loaded with catchy vocal and guitar hooks and, perhaps best of all, lacks a middle section where they can slow everything down and get all sensitive like most American bands tend to do. However, there is one thing it's missing; a sweet guitar solo.
If Fall Out Boy had a little bit more talent and set their sights higher than teenage dipshits with daddy issues, they could've found a place for a powerful guitar solo. Maybe it would've happened at 2:12 before picking up with the rest of the song or maybe it would've been an outro solo playing underneath the chanting if the song lasted longer than 3:07; what I do know is it's too short as it is and they needed to take the power they harnessed and fucking run with it.
Do you agree with my list of Axls? Am I being too unfair on some of these tracks ("how can the lack of anything be an Axl?") or have I forgotten far worse Axls that need to be recognised? Let me know in the comments or via Twitter.
Also, some of you might be interested to know that as a result of this post, I'll be writing a similar one at some point looking at the complete inverse; ten absolutely terrible songs each with one amazing factor that manages to salvage it.
All I need to do first is think of a name for that term and yes, suggestions are welcome...
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