Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 1

It's been a while since I brought you guys a fresh, hot heaping of the music news so to make up for it, I've got a whole bunch of stories consisting of highlights from the past year. Some may be a little fresher than others but that's totally not because I wrote this all over a couple of days towards the end of the year. No, this is a proper news anthology!
Anyway, because there are so many stories to collect, I've split them across a couple of blog posts to make it easier to read (and for me to write). Here's the first; enjoy!

OZZY OSBOURNE OFFERS "MYSTERY BOX" TICKETS FOR UPCOMING TOUR

Heavy Metal revenant Ozzy Osbourne has recently announced not only a brand new album and supporting tour consisting of new and "Crazy Train" inspired material but also an exclusive style of tickets known as "Mystery Box" tickets to replace the standard kind offered with 99% of other gigs.

The new ticket system was announced shortly after Ozzy (pictured left) got his 10th entry stamp punched at Birmingham City Hospital, earning him a free colonoscopy with the purchase of anything from the gift shop. According to his website, the Mystery Box ticket entitles you to "admission to an upcoming Ozzy Osbourne show where the contents of said box will be revealed an hour before the show is scheduled to start". The box could contain a vacuum cleaner, a holiday abroad or even an Ozzy Osbourne show, but fans won't know until shortly before the date of the concert.

When asked why the Mystery Box system was implemented in favour of a more traditional system where you buy a ticket and go to see a show, Ozzy Osbourne's doctor and interim tour manager replied "Ozzy's health has to come first. At this point in time, he's in no condition to be standing on stage shouting "Come ooooon!" and "Go fucking crazyyyyyyy!" for 90 minutes". He went on to say that once Ozzy's fully recovered, he'll be able to leave the hospital and play as many shows as he can before returning to the ward.

Band succubus/manager Sharon Osbourne issued a press  release stating "Ozzy cannot wait to get back on the road again. There's nothing this 71-year old wants more than to travel all over the planet with younger and hairier musicians rambling his way through all the same songs he's been performing for decades" shortly before having to retreat into her stasis chamber in time to avoid the sunlight. The following evening, she went on to cackle Mystery Box tickets are non-refundable and that the box not containing an Ozzy Osbourne show is a risk people who purchase Ozzy Osbourne tickets on this current tour have to take (as stated in the terms and conditions printed on the underside of the box).

Whilst the Rock & Metal community are all wishing Ozzy a speedy recovery, many spectators are beginning to doubt that Ozzy will ever play a proper show again. Dr. Richard Mayhew, ageing musician specialist, recently claimed "All those years of being rad have finally caught up with him. I'd be surprised if he makes it to the end of this sentence, let alone decade". Whatever happens, at least Ozzy's still making money which will almost certainly go towards an incredible headstone.

WARM-UP ROCK BAND BREAKS UNWRITTEN RULE

An up & coming Rock band called Kiss The Fist have shocked audience members at their latest gig by neglecting to play a slow Bluesy number in the middle of their set. Instead of slowing down the entire pace of the evening, they continued to play enjoyable Rock music to the horror of everyone attending the show.

The UK band were warming up for Collective Soul (not pictured left) with a series of energetic Hard Rock tracks, each containing catchy riffs and well crafted solos. However, after three songs and scattered applause, the band continued with another heavy riff-based Rock number in favour of a slow-tempo smokey B-side. Initially, fans weren't bothered as nobody knew the exact setlist of the gig, not even the bassist. Panic among the crowd only set in after Kiss The Fist (possibly picture left) exited the stage, making it painfully clear that the band had no intentional of bringing the lively atmosphere down with a tepid Blues track at all.

Audience members were outraged, some tweeting "Uhhhh, where's the unnecessary Blues Rock song, guys?" and "I CAN'T BELIEVE  I PAID GOOD MONEY NOT TO HEAR A 5 MINUTE BLUES TRACK! I DEMAND A REFUND AND AN #APOLOGY" but most others showed more restraint and a better understanding of how to use hashtags.

When asked about the evening, Collective Soul vocalist Derek Soul (pictured somewhere) stated "I had no idea they were going to pull such an offensive stunt. Everyone knows that the lengthy Blues Rock song on the warm-up band's setlist is there for a reason. When else are people going to casually talk among themselves or go for a pint & a piss? We apologise to everyone who attended the show and hope this doesn't dissuade you from remembering our stuff from the 90s like "Heavy" and "Shine"". Derek went on to mention "Gel" too.

Kiss The Fist have been unavailable for comment but sources close to the band believe the Blues Rock filler was omitted due to time constraints and what can only be described as "a fundamental lack of having a Blues song in their discography". As for whether this excuse will stand up, only time and Wikipedia will tell.

WORLD'S FIRST PROCEDURALLY GENERATED ROCK BAND CREATED; MUSE OUTRAGED

Computer programmers and musical scientists have joined together to create the first artificial intelligence capable of writing and playing Rock music to an acceptable degree of quality. Developed over the course of eight years by leading scientists and musical theorists, Artificial Interface Capable Of Making Rock Music (or AICOMRM for short) was unveiled to a crowd of tech and music journalists approximately four hours before one of the programmers thought of a much better acronym.

According to cynical but invested bloggers, the aim of AICOMRM is to "expand the human understanding of awesome Rock songs in a needlessly expensive and probably self-destructive way". However, according to the developers, AICOMRM will give humans insight into undiscovered melodies and help expand creativity by giving us all the answers before we can discover them ourselves. Whilst many trendy intellectuals are excited by this breakthrough, some refuse to be as happy.

Composers of the Impending Apocalypse and occasional Rock band Muse are among those who are both alarmed and infuriated by the invention of AICOMRM. When asked about their stance on procedurally generated Rock music, frontman Matt Bellamy replied "I hate it. It's so insulting that people are giving so much attention to artificial Rock music now when we've been making it for over a decade. When an algorithm generates simplistic, uninteresting guitar riffs that sort of sound like existing Rock riffs and a bunch of noisy synth shit over the top, everyone goes crazy but when we do it, the Internet can't bitch quick enough".

Matt Bellamy (pictured right and centre) went on to say that in their quest to experiment and push artistic boundaries, Muse opted to release procedurally generated music instead of traditionally crafted Rock songs for their 2009 album The Resistance. Despite being met with criticism, Muse decided to continue this trend with the albums The 2nd Law, Drones and Simulation Theory, allowing them to focus their creative efforts on elaborate stage shows and building various robots designed to bring things to Matt Bellamy such as guitars and blunderbusses.

AICOMRM is expected to release its first album within the next year and Muse are expected to boycott it. It's unknown whether it will rebel against its creators and decide to exterminate all Rock music off the face of the planet like the way these things usually go but bookies are currently operating 5-1 odds on "We're all doomed". When asked about his thoughts on the future of mankind after the invention of AICOMRM, Matt Bellamy commented "I have absolutely no opinion on this".

[INSERT BAND HERE] UNHAPPY ABOUT [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'S USE OF THEIR MUSIC

Once again, [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] has used a song from the 1970s in one of their campaign videos or tours and yep, you guessed it, the band whose song it is aren't happy in the slightest. No sir, they definitely aren't peachy about this one. Hoo boy, this sure is one humdinger of a situation right here.

The [INSERT BAND HERE] song was something to do with adversity or not giving up or maybe even something about being powerful and (get this, right?) it transpires that the political party of [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] didn't actually clear the use of the song with [INSERT BAND HERE] first. They just went ahead and used it to further their own political party. Can you imagine that?! This isn't the first time this has happened either, it's a right catastrophe! There's no way for anyone to prevent something like this happening at all. Nope, absolutely nothing anyone can do...or is there?

[INSERT BAND HERE] have taken strong steps to ensure a horrific crime of art and selfishness like this never happens again. [INSERT BAND HERE] have written an incredibly strongly worded letter to [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] along with a statement on their official Facebook page condemning the use of [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] in [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'s rally.

The statement reads "We, the members of [INSERT BAND HERE] did not approve of or grant permission for [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] to use our song, [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE], during their latest political rally. We do not agree with his politics and do not wish for our music to be associated with him or his political party. We ask that [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] refrains from using [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] or any other songs we've released during the course of their political career or we will be forced to take further action in the form of yet another strongly worded letter and overly formal statement on our social media page".

As for whether [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] will take any notice of this, it's literally impossible to tell right now. There is no way of knowing if [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] or indeed any other politician will use an unlicensed song by [INSERT BAND HERE] or any other 1970s band as they enter the stage during one of their political rallies, an online political video or [INSERT HILARIOUS THIRD OPTION HERE].

MOTLEY CRUE ATTEMPT WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST SUSTAINED PERIOD OF MASTURBATION

80s Hair Metal legends Motley Crue are about to enter the fifth consecutive year of collectively masturbating without any sign of actually ejaculating in the foreseeable future. The band begun their prolonged act of self-copulation in January 2014 after announcing that they would embark on a year-long farewell tour in 2015.

The band continued to publicly touch themselves by holding a press conference whereby they took part in a "cessation of touring" agreement, resulting in the formation of a legally binding contract that would prevent any and all of them from touring past the year 2015 under the name Motley Crue. After finishing their Final Tour at the end of 2015, many fans and music journalists assumed the band would finally shoot their load and disappear into the night to wash their hands and fall asleep like most people do after firing their loads. However, after appearing in radio interviews and some minor TV appearances, members of the band went on to confirm that a biopic based on the band's group autobiography "The Dirt" was in the works, suggesting that the band had no intention of releasing their gurt just yet.

"The Dirt" was released to moderate acclaim in March 2019, along with some newly recorded material by the band still vigorously flogging their dolphins for the fourth year running. When asked about whether this had any impact on the Motley Crue's brief but sudden increase in popularity around the start of the year, none of the band could comment as they were all too busy sniffing wads of cash to help sustain their bruised and blistered erections.

Regardless of whether it was due to the biopic or not, Motley Crue showed no signs of entering the vinegar strokes any time soon after they announced that they were just mucking about when they all signed a legally binding cessation of touring contract. Whilst some fans were unhappy about how much of a big deal the band made over something that turned out to just be part of their masturbation ceremony, many have shown support for Motley Crue over their ability to hold back what has to be an incredibly painful nut at this stage.

To prepare for a 2020 tour with Def Leppard and presumably at least another 12 months of intense onanism, members of the band are taking certain safety precautions such as Vince Neil (pictured above) who recently entered the hospital for hand surgery (No, I'm being serious this time. That's legitimately the reason why he went into hospital, you can fact check it and everything. I mean, this article practically wrote itself after that nugget of news hit the Internet).


That's all for part one! Stay tuned for part two sometime before the end of this decade!

Tenology: Dynamic Drummers In Rock/Metal

Just under two months ago, I wrote a blog post about ten excellent guitarists in the world of Rock and Metal with the promise of writing similar blog posts about skilled musicians with different instrumental talents. Whilst my initial choice was to write about bassists, I've instead decided to focus on drums as it can be argued that they are the most important instrument in any self-respecting Rock band.
As usual, Tenology posts are the work of opinion and whilst I'll be listing 10 drummers whom I admire, this isn't the same as a Top 10 post. There's no particular rank or hierarchy of skill here, I'm just listing 10 awesome drummers and why I think they kick ass.


1. Nicko McBrain

I couldn't find a good pic of him drumming with Sooty on the front of his kit

Did you guys know I like Iron Maiden? Yeah? Cool, just checking so you're not irritated when I get round to the bassist and vocalist blog posts. Anyway, Nicko McBrain is the band's current drummer and has been with them since Clive Burr had to drop out in the early 80s due to health issues. Whilst Clive was great and will be missed, Nicko was a worthy replacement and has kept the band's Metal strong since 1983 with his epic kit and great personality. However, he's not on this list just because he's got a percussion cage and a funny way with words; he's a hugely talented drummer who's able to play all of the band's material without the use of double bass pedals. Speaking of double bass...


2. Scott Travis

For some reason, I always thought this guy was bald

From no double bass to ultimate double bass, Scott Travis is (in my eyes) single-handedly responsible for making Judas Priest awesome again. Around the late 80s, the band were running out of steam and even resorting to Hair Metal singles. However, in 1990, the band released Painkiller with Scott on drums and gave the band the shock to the balls they needed to become proper Metal again. From the drum intro/outro of "Painkiller" to the live recordings of from the British Steel anniversary gigs, Scott's drumming is as furious as the Metal monsters Judas Priest writes about in most of their albums.


3. Tommy Lee

I always thought this was just the Drum Rollercoaster but apparently it's called the Cruecifly

Motley Crue might not be known for technical or complex rhythms but there's something Tommy Lee does in live shows that only a talented drummer would be able to pull off. His drumkit is attached to a mechanical harness that lifts it up over the audience and rotates it around with him still strapped down, drumming along to a variety of tunes as if he was still on the ground. When I saw Motley Crue on their farewell tour, Tommy was able to pull this off and continue drumming for the rest of the gig without any audible signs of fatigue so if you've got a problem with him in this list, go see him do this live...oh wait, you can't anymore. Well, in that case, you'll have to take my word for it.


4. Keith Moon

When the film about Keith is made, tell Sacha Baron Cohen he's got the part

I'm trying to mix iconic drummers with less obvious choices but if you're going to write about great drummers, Keith Moon better be there. He was a fucking beast behind the drums and you only have to listen to "Young Man Blues" from the Live At Leeds album to hear him going absolutely apeshit without the percussion sounding messy or amateurish. On the studio side, tracks like "Won't Get Fooled Again" are well known for great drum fills as well as the riffs and screams. I won't get into the party lifestyle this guy led but one story that stuck in my mind is the tale of how Keith put dynamite in his drums to set off at the end of the show, nearly killed/deafening his bandmates.


5. Dave Grohl

One of these pictures is not like the other

Dave Grohl is mostly known for Foo Fighters now but he isn't actually the drummer for that band. Dave's an OK vocalist and a decent guitarist but his skills as a drummer dwarf both of those combined. Dave's drummed for many bands (notably Nirvana) but I think my personal favourite example of his work comes from Tenacious D. He laid down the percussion for their studio albums and occasionally played with them live, bringing the thunder in typical Dave Grohl style. He knows how to crank up the power and just when you think he's blown his load, he pulls out another burst of energy from fuck knows where. It's just a shame he insists on being the frontman for the Foo Fighters, as he's definitely strongest at the back.


6. Rick Allen

No, this isn't photoshopped

Def Leppard's drummer only has one arm. That's all I really need to say to explain his inclusion here. Any drummer who can play well enough for their band to keep up with other great Rock acts despite having such a significant handicap gets a shout out on my list. Hell, the fact that he can play along to classic Def Leppard material and put some drummers with two hands to shame (fuck you, Meg White) means he deserves a place here. Granted that the band simplified their music to power ballads and slow tempo stadium anthems after his accident but songs like "Rocket" prove the band could still rock out...no pun intended.


7. Clive Bunker

Amazing how he managed to keep drumming with that dumb copyright mark floating in front of him!

Something about the name Clive that produces great drummers, huh. Anyway, Clive was the drummer for Jethro Tull for a few years, laying down percussion for the Aqualung album and a couple before it too. He's on this list because I revisited several tracks from Aqualung recently and found myself thinking about how great the drumming was, particularly on the title track. The tempo changes and small little fills throughout show that this guy knew how to drum with the best of 'em, plus I defy you to listen to the double-time section and guitar solo without tapping your feet. Need more proof? How about the fucking outro where he breaks into mini drum solos that are neither self-indulgent or painfully long? Clive might not top anyone's list but he was a vital component in making Jethro Tull's music great.


8. Joey Jordison

I'm not a huge Slipknot fan but damn, this guy's good

My girlfriend once had the pleasure of seeing Metallica live and on that fateful gig, Lars Ulrich was unable to drum so Joey Jordison filled in. According to her, he was able to play all of Metallica's material without any issues much better than Lars ever could. I'm aware that this is supposed to be my list but can you honestly tell me Joey doesn't deserve a spot here? His drumming's tighter than a roadie's grip and similar to Tommy Lee, Joey had a special trick for Slipknot gigs where he and his kit would be turned upside down whilst he kept drumming. If any member of Slipknot was responsible for getting me into the band, it'd probably be Joey (although Corey Taylor would be a close second).


9. Ian Paice

I'm ashamed to say I nearly forgot about this guy

If you're after great Hard Rock drummers who can still keep it up after almost half a century, look no further than Deep Purple's drummer, Ian Paice. The man has laid down percussion for such great Rock anthems as "Smoke On The Water", "Highway Star" and "Black Night" whilst also showing off his technical talents in songs such as "Fireball", "Speed King" and, my all-time favourite song, "Burn". Unlike some of the drummers on this list, Paice is capable of performing at a variety of different settings instead of going all-in balls out for every track and when I saw him live a few years ago, he earned his place on the list...well, he probably earned it decades before that during the Deep Purple Mk II sessions but you know what I mean!


10. Neil Peart

Predictable final choice? Yes. Awesome drummer? Fuck yes!

You can't have a list of great drummers without AT LEAST MENTIONING Neil Peart or Rush. Sporting a 360 degree kit and a powerful arsenal of percussive tools, Neil is regarded as one of the best (if not THE best) drummer in Rock boasting not just physical skill but also creative songwriting talents (although I acknowledge he's not the only one on this list you can say that about). Moving Pictures might not be my favourite Rush album but if I had to pick a collection of excellent songs for drummers, that'd be the first place I'd look. I mean, "Tom Sawyer", "Red Barchetta", freaking "YYZ", and that's only one album! His Prog Rock timekeeping and utilisation of practically anything inanimate that makes a specific noise when you hit it have helped put Rush on the map, although the other two band members aren't slouches either.


Before I finish this post, I feel I should list a couple of honourable mentions as I doubt I'll be writing another blog post on great drummers. The guys I've talked about up above earned their place for resonating with me personally a little bit more than these guys, although if I had to expand my list to include more than 10, these are the drummers who'd be next on the post:
Mike Portnoy
John Bonham
Mitch Mitchell
Chad Smith
Ringo Starr (what? I like him, screw you!)

However, just because I didn't include other Rock/Metal drummers doesn't mean I don't think they're awesome. It just means they didn't leap into my thoughts straight away when I asked myself "who's fucking great at drumming?". Who would you include in your list? Let me know in the comments or via Twitter.
Next time...I dunno, maybe an album review or Rapid Fire post.

Motley Crue - The Final Tour

For those of you who haven't had their ear to the ground of the Rock/Metal scene, Motley Crue announced that they're calling it quits after going on one last hurrah and performing a Greatest Hits setlist all over the world. Unlike other bands such as Judas Priest who lie about going on a farewell tour just to fill more seats, Motley Crue have made a big deal about how this is genuinely the end and two days ago, I was lucky enough to catch them in Manchester before they fade away.

The warm-up band (The One Hundred) were fucking shite. They sounded like a generic screaming Metal band populated by thirteen year olds and their older brothers. So yeah, I don't recommend paying for anything by these guys based on what I heard.
Luckily, they were just a warm-up for a much better warm-up. Eventually, Alice Cooper and his band hit the stage and played a selection of hits from "Poison" to "No More Mr. Nice Guy". This isn't the first time I've seen Alice Cooper live but it was definitely the better performance. The first time, Alice Cooper was on his own at a charity gig with musicians from other bands such as Ian Paice and Brian May. However, since this was an Alice Cooper show, he had more time to play his own songs with all the theatrics involved.
I'm not really a huge Alice Cooper fan but his vocals are still as strong as they were when he recorded them all those decades ago, plus he really knows how to put on a freaky show. The only problem was that some of the stage theatrics (such as dressing as a massive Frankenstein Monster and running about shouting during the end of "Feed My Frankenstein") can be greatly distracting from the music so if you just want to hear Alice Cooper songs, you might find it a little off-putting. Then again, his shows have always been about shock and awe so if you go in expecting that, you won't be disappointed.
So yes, I enjoyed Alice Cooper's segment of the show. Now onto the main event!

Motley Crue came out with a roar and opened with "Girls, Girls, Girls", joined by pyrotechnics and two scantily clad ladies dancing about and occasionally providing backing vocals. They played a great selection of tunes from various albums with a few mediocre ones every now and then, such as a cover of "Anarchy In The U.K.". Not that it makes any difference as they're no longer touring after this year but the band are all still on top form. There are a few blemishes here and there such as Vince Neil's inability to sing longer vocal phrases without pausing throughout (very noticeable during "Live Wire" and "Dr. Feelgood") but everyone in the band and audience still had a great time.
There were also a couple of odd moments during the show, like Nikki Sixx's "follow your dreams" monologue about stealing his dad's penknife that he seemingly recited without taking a single breath. Along with this, there were the obligatory instrumental solos that bands seem to be doing more and more now. Mick Mars decided to impersonate Eddie Van Halen with a loud but obnoxious guitar solo, clearly fancying himself as some sort of virtuoso. Ordinarily, I wouldn't mind a good guitar solo that gets progressively more frenzied before ending on an all-out showstopper but this one sounded more like an air conditioning unit that's beyond the point of being totally fucked.
Unlike guitarists such as Slash or Steve Vai who have mastered the art of their instrument, Mick Mars seemed to rely heavily on smacking his fretboard and strings like a cat pawing at a laser pointer or a blind man trying to put out a fire on his crotch. It would've sounded a lot better if there was less feedback and you could actually hear each note he was playing, unless of course that was the intention after all. Maybe he's played much better solos at other gigs but I wasn't impressed after this one. Hey, speaking of using noise to cover things up, let's move onto the other spectacle of the show; the drum roller coaster.

If you haven't seen it before, I recommend checking it out on Youtube but basically, Tommy Lee starts a drum solo and as he does so, his kit is lifted into the air and spun around as it follows a track to another part of the stage, still with him playing all the way through. It's a pretty awesome sight and I was looking forward to seeing it in person. It started off with "O Fortuna" (or the scary operatic music used in teasers for The X Factor when they want to create the illusion of drama) and eventually broke into Tommy starting the beat as his kit slowly levitated.
A good start, yes, but things gradually fell apart (not literally). Instead of creating a drum solo himself, Tommy was drumming along to a remix of several tunes as he spun across the arena. This would've been fine if the remix contained Motley Crue songs, since that's what people paid to hear. Hell, I would've been satisfied if he stuck to Rock tracks, as there were snippets of Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath in the mix. Regretfully, the remix was mostly shitty Pop music and Dubstep, loud enough to cover up any actual physical drumming from the actual physical fucking drummer.
It was a hell of a stunt that, in my eyes, flopped miserably as soon as I recognised "Uptown Funk". Bad remixes, unimpressive solos and unnecessary covers aside though, it was a great show that ended on a single encore performance of "Home Sweet Home", a fitting swan song for these iconic Hair Metal heroes...even if I do suspect Tommy Lee wasn't really playing the piano. But yes, I had a fun night and even if I am being quite harsh on the band, I have massive respect for them for not completely phoning it in.

Many other Hair Metal or 80's Hard Rock acts probably would've let arrogance get in the way and put on a shitty show. It would've been incredibly easy for any of the band members to sack the whole thing off and say "Hey, it doesn't matter if this goes to shit. I've still got millions upon millions to my name!". Maybe one of them did in their own way or will do on their last ever gig but as far as I'm concerned, they put on a hell of a show. It's things like this that make Motley Crue different to Guns N' Roses, for example.
Bottom line is I enjoyed both shows, even if they had a few faults. The band came together as a cohesive unit and rocked an entire arena. I can't recommend seeing these guys live as that opportunity has expired (unless you've got a time machine on you, in which case I do recommend popping back and seeing them play!) but if you haven't done already, do give their earlier albums a listen; particularly Theatre Of Pain.
Motley Crue are one of those bands who are capable of writing insanely catchy songs AND top quality filler tracks too. They're not just hair spray and eyeliner, they're decent musicians if you give them a chance. The next gig I'm going to will be in December as I'm seeing The Darkness in Leeds. I've already reviewed their latest album on the blog but I'll give the show a write-up as well, assuming I'm not inundated with ideas for the rest of the year.