Until then, here's one less blog post to worry about!
BRUCE DICKINSON: WHY I OPENED THE ARK OF THE COVENANT
Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson has revealed his reasons for opening the Ark of the Covenant on stage at the band's latest concert in Germany. The band were halfway through a performance of "Revelations" when Bruce wheeled on the actual Ark of the Covenant and proceeded to open the lid, prompting the holy souls trapped inside to fill the auditorium and recreate the iconic climactic scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, only with concert goers replacing the roles of the Nazis. The outspoken vocalist defended his actions in a recent radio interview in between dates during the band's 2018/19 world tour.
When asked why he opened the Ark, Bruce (pictured left) responded "A lot of people have been spouting nonsense about what the holy Ark of the Covenant is capable of but nobody's actually had the sense to see for themselves. It's all well and good going "Yeah, don't open it" because of that scene in Raiders where all the faces melted but nobody talks about how easy it was to avoid the searing death that the Nazis suffered". Bruce was referring to how Indiana Jones and Marion avoided the same fate as the stormtroopers by averting their eyes when the spirits exited their supernatural prison, something Bruce was quick to do after removing the lid. "Iron Maiden are an experienced band and I know how to sing with my eyes closed. I mean, I was OK so I'm sure our fans were OK if they knew how to close their eyes"!
Bruce Dickinson (estimated net worth $125 million) has shocked fans in the past with his staunch defence of the UK Conservative party and his support of Brexit. His strong opinions have often landed him in hot water and this instance is no exception, as the families of the deceased concert goers have demanded some form of retribution for Bruce's actions. They feel that his actions were largely self-centred and done without the consideration of the hard-working fans who perhaps didn't have the social or economical means to watch the classic Indiana Jones film.
According to the band's management, the idea to bring the Ark of the Covenant on stage and actually open it during the guitar solo of "Revelations" was entirely Bruce's. When asked for further comment on whether the band supported Bruce's decision, guitarist Janick Gers (who was standing closest to the Ark when it was opened) stated "Garfarbfarabrabff", which we believe meant "It's a bit late now but we stand by Bruce and whatever he does on stage, no matter how poorly thought through it might seem".
Bruce has been advised not to wheel out the Ark of the Covenant again but he claimed that he still plans to use it during performances. "At the end of the day, regardless of how bad things might seem now, things will get better. Plastic surgery has come a long way in just the last five years and fans who literally got their faces melted off can have them reconstructed before coming back next year to have them melted off again, albeit figuratively instead!". When questioned about the fans who aren't as wealthy as him and can't afford the tens of thousands of pounds for crucial facial reconstruction surgery, Bruce replied that there are plenty of fine masks available.
AC/DC PLACED ON LIFE-SUPPORT
Australian Rock band AC/DC have been moved to a private wing in the Royal Melbourne Hospital and placed on life-support after losing another band member. The legendary Hard Rock group were in critical condition when they were brought to the hospital with some doctors claiming to be amazed that they've "lasted this long".
The band first showed signs of deteriorating health when they had to go in for treatment in 2014 to replace rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young. After a successful transplant, AC/DC were back in the studio ready to record a new album but after the disappointment that was Rock Or Bust, the band's physical well-being kept declining over the years. The band had to undergo emergency surgery to remove the drummer due to criminal charges pressed against him and less than two years later, AC/DC underwent a frontmanectomy to allow vocalist Brian Johnson a chance to recover from a hearing condition.
Whilst the band were quick to replace Brian Johnson with Axl Rose (pictured above), fans begun to question whether it was fair to allow the band to continue in such a poor state. One lifelong supporter of the band commented "It feels like they're only carrying on for the sake of it, not because they're getting any joy out of what they're doing and certainly not because people are desperate for them to keep going. It's like The Simpsons all over again".
After suffering critical bass player failure, resulting in the loss of Cliff Williams from the band's lineup, AC/DC were once again rushed to hospital to ensure they had enough functioning band members to make it through the tour. Things seemed to be going well until Axl Rose recently fell ill on stage at a Guns N' Roses concert, prompting AC/DC's management to ensure they were plugged into life-support.
It's impossible to say how long the band have left but if there's one thing you can admire them for, it's their determination to keep on fighting. Even when the quality of their music is dwindling and they're resorting to desperate choices for vocalist replacements, AC/DC are hanging on in there until they can rock no more...presumably a couple of days after Angus Young inevitably drops out.
HOT NEW BAND TAKES INTERNET BY STORM
A new, up-and-coming Rock band are rapidly gaining fans after sounding remarkably similar to iconic 70s group Styx. This new band, named River, have released two singles in just two weeks that contain incredibly similar structures, vocals and guitar playing to the songs "Come Sail Away" and "Renegade", two of the band's most popular singles.
Fans of 70s music have taken to the YouTube comment sections and social media to remark in absolute amazement that River sound almost identical to Styx, posting such comments as "OMG these guys are the new Styx!!" and "I'd love to hear these guys cover Styx, they sound just like them!!" over and over and over again as if they're the only people on the face of the planet who have made the connection between two bands who sound similar. Even fans of more contemporary music who have only heard Styx through the occasional music snippet in TV shows have noted similarities, although almost 100% of them don't care.
When asked for comment on River's entrance onto the Rock scene, none of the members of Styx have been available. In fact, none of the members of Styx have even been seen in the last fortnight. Whilst there are theories all over the Internet describing where Styx could have gone, the theory with the most credibility seems to be the one stating that they're simply getting rehearsing and getting ready for their tour with Larry The Cable Guy. This is a thing that's happening. Styx are going on tour with Larry The Cable Guy. I'm actually not making this bit up.
River aren't the only band with remarkable similarities to a 70s Rock group getting next to no attention anymore who have surfaced recently. A few months ago, The Tumbling Rocks released their first album to an audience of indifferent hipsters and earlier this year, Purple Lloyd teased a new album and tour starting mid-December. The sudden resurgence of Classic Rock has proven that it doesn't matter if you create new, exciting material and develop your own style of music for a modern audience still hungry for Rock; as long as you can sound exactly like a band that isn't doing anything worthwhile anymore, you can bring some happiness to overweight fans who desperately want it to be 1973 again.
I'm not sure if I'll get all the blog posts done in time for January but I'll definitely get at least four up!
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