The Rock Family

On a drive back from work the other day, I started to think about the different musical genres and their place in Rock. Some fans will argue that Grunge killed Metal and others that Classic Rock is better than Modern Rock. Of course, these are all just opinions and all statements are as accurate as each other without facts...but it still provides food for thought. Where does each subgenre of Rock fall?
I won't describe the rest of my thought process that evening but basically, it ended up with me comparing the main genres of Rock to members of one big family. This post isn't meant to be taken seriously, nor does it offer any educational purpose as it's pretty much just my opinion mixed with a bit of general consensus/stereotyping. But yes, here's my analysis of the different Rock genres and their subsequent conversion into fictional family members. Enjoy!


Hard Rock = Awesome Dad
When you think of this family, the image of this guy usually springs to mind. Hard Rock might not be young but he still packs the same energy and attitude he had in his youth. Granted not everything he does is awesome...in fact, there have been many moments where one of his acts has generated embarrassment and even hate but when all's said and done, Hard Rock is good at what he does and does it to keep his family going strong. Top bloke!


Classic Rock = Distant Uncle
Back in their day, Classic Rock and Hard Rock were inseparable. Nowadays though, you don't see much of him anymore. Only the occasional selection of "greatest hits" from his past. However, just because he's not around now doesn't mean stories of his antics aren't still great to crack out every now and then. Plus, he has a pretty diverse history, ranging from his psychedelic drug phase in the 60's to his trip to the Southern parts of America in the 70's. It might not be cool to like him among the younger generation but you can't deny he was one great guy.


Metal = Successful Son
One of the many children of Hard Rock, Metal started out as quite a rebellious lad in his youth but as time progressed, so did he. Metal grew up and made a big name for himself. Now he's raking in mega bucks and dealing with stadiums of people in his day job. He might still think of himself as one of the boys but the fact is he's significantly more corporate than he used to be. That doesn't mean what he does has gone down the pan, though. His business manner is quite aggressive and might put some people off his personality but he's no idiot and he definitely has some interesting points to make about society and often politics. Just don't get him started on one of his long rants about war, though.


Punk Rock = Dipshit Brother
Every family tree has one rotting branch. One yellow-tinted part of the gene pool with a band-aid floating around in it and whilst it's disputable that Punk is that member, evidence certainly does point to that conclusion. Friends of Punk will go on about how important he is and how his acts of anger and frustration are necessary but come on, stop taking the piss. Everyone has issues and the rest of the Rock family have found a way of channeling their fury into art without sounding and acting like inarticulate yobs. In his youth, Punk got into trouble a lot and as a result, hasn't really amounted to much today. He has work and he makes enough money to get by but you'd be hard pressed to find more than a couple of respectable people who would consider their work influenced by his.


Alternative Rock = Stay-At-Home Mum
Whilst Hard Rock is out partying and having a good time, Alternative Rock is at home doing her own thing. She's got her own life and her own business that may involve meeting up with friends for casual activities or working for large numbers of clients but if there's one thing she's not, it's lazy. Alternative has kept the family going through the difficult times and supported them through her smarter, more professional image. She is very fashion conscious and is always experimenting with new styles to suit her. Because of this, she's incredibly successful in her field and is responsible for showing a more educated side of the family.


Prog Rock = Autistic Child
Not everyone always understands Prog Rock but I think it's fair to say the key players in the Rock family all treat them with respect, even though Prog is a bit weird. You might find yourself stuck 7 minutes into one of their discussions about a train ride they took or trying to keep up with their temperamental mood changes but it's very difficult to actually hate this family member, unless you're particularly lacking in the brain department. Prog doesn't have many hobbies or interests but if there's one thing you can rely on, it's that they sure do love to play their keyboard!


Hair Metal = Teenage Daughter
It's all about the looks for this daughter of Hard Rock. When she's not trying out outrageous outfits or spending ludicrous amounts of time and money on styling her hair, she's out partying and spouting off about how hot things are. It's very easy to look at Hair Metal and think she's nothing but a fucking idiot, all style and no substance...and there are times when you're right, but beneath the mask of trying to be popular so that people will buy her things, there's someone who has the potential to be as successful as her older brother. She just needs to grow up and work on how she sounds. But hey, there's no hurry to grow up. She's only got about 8 years of obnoxiousness in her teenage life. Might as well make the most of it!


Blues Rock = Elderly Grandparent
There was a time where this old chap was the life and soul of the family. He would get everyone up and dancing in a matter of seconds but now his age is showing and his kids have taken over the family business. What's more, his head isn't what it used to be. He'll mostly spend his days producing simplistic stories that seem to go on and on and on and on with the same bit of the story being repeated to no end. That being said, he does hold technical knowledge and without him, there wouldn't be any of his kids ruling the roost so he's not a pointless element of the family. He's still alive and kicking and doesn't show any signs of slowing down soon either!


There you have it! A glimpse into the Rock Family. Before you start messaging me about Grunge and Nu-Metal, you should know that I haven't gone into details about the WHOLE family just yet. You never know, I might revisit the family tree quite soon...
But anyway, enough metaphorical teasing for now. Did you agree with my descriptions? Would you change any of the family members around? Or am I just plain talking out of my arse as usual? Let me know in the comment section along with your preferred order of family members/genres.
Oh, and expect a post about 'Hyrule Warriors' to be popped online this month...although I'll forgive you for giving it a miss.