Monday, 30 July 2018

Guitar Charts: Dos & Don'ts

Apologies guys; it's another video game post!
Fans of Guitar Hero & Rock Band will know that the guitar chart for a song can make or break your experience. Casual players probably won't care but fans playing on Expert would spend afternoons on forums bitching about overcharts, undercharts and instruments that aren't guitar charted to guitar. Granted that those heated debates died out with the popularity of the rhythm music game genre but ever since Clone Hero took off (a free Guitar Hero mod that contains all the music from GH/RB and a seemingly infinite supply of customs), the importance of good guitar charts is back.
So what makes a "good" chart? Well, it frequently comes down to opinion but I like to think there are some rules that players generally accept when defining a good or bad chart. These are the rules I tend to follow when making the call:

DO put fun over realism
This is one that some players will probably disagree with but for me, I would much rather play a chart that's fun albeit slightly inaccurate than one that's closer to the way you actually play it on guitar that isn't as fun as it could've been. Sure, realism is somewhat necessary in these charts as a guideline but here's the thing: Guitar Hero and other music game variants are video games, they are not real and will never be real. Trying to make them realistic is a futile exercise that only serves to please the pedantic and frustrate everyone else. If the chart would be more fun with HOPOs throughout the solo when the reality is there would be frequent strums or if the chords used have four notes in them instead of two or three, you best believe that 99% of the time fun trumps realism.

DO some research
OK, you've listened to the song a hundred times and you can already picture how it should be charted in your head...but is that REALLY how the song is played? Is that REALLY how it sounds or have you mentally filled in gaps that didn't exist? Does the riff go G-R-Y OY, G-R-Y GY or should it go R-G-Y BO, R-G-Y YB (if you can guess the song I just charted there from the notes alone, we should hang out more)? Trust me, you might have a great idea for how it's played in your head but if you have no knowledge about how to play the entire song, you're almost certainly going to make a mistake somewhere. Fortunately, it's easy to correct yourself. If it's a real song by an actual band instead of some meme remix then you can probably find a decent tab on Ultimate-Guitar.com and if it's a well known song, riff and/or solo then chances are there's a detailed video tutorial on YouTube. Hit the web and do some learning before charting your favourite song for the benefit of the fans who'll be playing your work. NOTE: This is mostly referring to mapping the notes to the correct pitch and whilst it does sound like it contradicts my previous point, there's no fun in playing a chart made by someone who clearly couldn't tell a chord from a trill.

DO know when to use instruments other than guitar
Sometimes, a song may have a section on a completely different instrument pop up in a guitar chart. It'll commonly be keys of some sort but could also be harmonica, strings or even percussion in some rare cases ("We Will Rock You" - Queen on Lego Rock Band). Some players will draw a firm line in the sand and say no instruments other than guitar in a guitar chart. Personally, I feel that there are examples where keys or strings can enhance a chart but there is no strict rule for when to use them, hence the wording of this Do. If the song has plenty of guitar and there's an introduction on a different instrument (e.g. the piano in "Hold The Line" - Toto or the strings in "Afterlife" - Avenged Sevenfold), you can probably just leave those out. However, if there's a killer organ solo later on and the guitar is just gonna be sustains or chord strumming (e.g. "Roll With The Changes" - REO Speedwagon or "Burn" - Deep Purple), you can go ahead and spice your chart up with those tap notes. Ultimately though, no guitar chart is ever ruined by NOT putting different instruments in whereas plenty have been soiled by including other instruments where they're not welcome.

DON'T take the piss when over/undercharting
This is not the same as "Don't over/underchart". Whilst it doesn't happen often, I accept that there are a few occasions where the occasional over/underchart makes a song a bit more fun, e.g. putting in a couple of extra HOPOs where there'd normally be a pause to make a section of a solo flow better or making 3-note chords into 2-note ones to avoid giving players a severe case of wanker's cramp in their fretting arm. HOWEVER, there's an incredibly fine line to tread here. If possible, stick to charting sensibly but if you do feel the urge to over/underchart, don't be a tool. Don't fill a song with ridiculous sweeping note streams where there are none just to make it a Clone Hero meme (a.k.a. the rhythm music game equivalent of YouTube Poop, a.k.a. Art Cancer) and don't be a coward who only charts every other note because they can't play very well.

DON'T focus on just lead or rhythm guitar
Variety is key when making a fun chart. Sometimes you can only play the cards you're dealt but if there are songs with lead and rhythm guitar from start to finish, you can take a mediocre chart and make it exceptional. A good example would be "Sultans Of Swing" - Dire Straits in Guitar Hero 5. Neversoft knew that the rhythm on its own up until the guitar solo(s) probably would've got dull quickly if not for the brief sections with a small riff or melody now and then to keep players on their toes. Likewise, if you compare it to some of the charts in Rock Band 3 (and Clone Hero) that focus on just lead instead of rhythm, you'll find that there are moments where you could be playing a good riff but instead have to wait. Variety spices up standard charts whilst still using the materials provided by the song and yes, whilst it might not be "realistic" to play both lead and rhythm, you can always reread the first rule for clarity on my thoughts about that. Save lead OR rhythm for the Guitar Co-Op bullshit, not the regular charts.

DON'T cut corners
Well, you've done it. You've just placed the last note on your chart and it's ready to play, right? WRONG! There's a little thing called QA (quality assurance) that professional charts in GH/RB games had to go through so that fans didn't end up purchasing songs with inconsistent riffs, calibration glitches, strums instead of HOPOs, poor audio mixes, visual bugs, broken notes, missing notes, extra notes or one of the many other problems faced with creating something for a video game. Don't be that asshole who puts out a chart for an amazing, underrated song that nobody else thought to make that's absolutely full of technical problems. I know you're excited to get your finished product out there but if you haven't at the very least quintuple checked it to make sure everything runs smoothly then buddy, you ain't finished shit. At the same time, DON'T spend so long polishing it and tweaking things that don't need changing that by the time you release it, several identical (if not superior) charts for the same song have already been released. Again, fine line to tread; such is the joy of being a charter!

DON'T use open notes
Don't use open notes in a guitar chart. Don't do it. Not now, not ever. Open notes are ugly and always pointless in guitar charts; most of the time, you can just use the green fret and the other times where a 6th pitch is needed can often by avoided with creative charting. Open notes in bass charts are fine due to how they differentiate guitar/bass charts and the visual of the open note paired with the lower pitch of bass feels more appropriate. However, unless you plan on doing two different guitar charts (with/without open notes) then under no circumstances should your guitar chart include open notes. No guitar chart has even been improved with open notes: Fact.


Bonus "Don't" to express my hatred of open notes in Clone Hero charts!
If you want more tips or opinions on what makes a good Guitar Hero/Clone Hero/Rock Band guitar chart, feel free to follow me on Twitch where I frequently stream Clone Hero and discuss the quality of charts as I play. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower as that shameless self promotion has left me feeling mucky.

Saturday, 28 July 2018

Prequelle - Ghost

New(ish) album review time!


I've frequently discussed the fictional genre of Pop Metal and which songs/bands would qualify for such a categorisation. Whilst the album cover may scream "HEAVEH METAAAAAAL", the music on Prequelle is actually pretty damn accessible and would definitely cross into Pop Metal territories were it an actual genre. Album opener "Ashes" is a spooky synth-heavy introduction to the true album opener and lead single, "Rats". Clearly inspired by Ozzy Osbourne and sporting a winning combination of explosive riffs and catchy vocal melodies, this arena gig anthem kicks things off with confidence and style. It's a good introduction to an album that blends 80s Pop/Yacht Rock elements with Heavy Metal ones as effortlessly as Guns N' Roses blend great guitar-work with terrible vocals.
Unlike some albums that don't quite blend styles together all the way and instead write a bunch of tracks firmly belonging to one genre or the other, Prequelle's material can only be described as heavily mellow from start to finish. The lack of furious shredfest solos and pure aggression channelled into vocal performances may seem atypical for modern Metal, yet the thundering riffs and dynamic percussion go beyond your standard Hard Rock tracks.
However, if you told me years ago that I'd be listening to (and loving) an album that expertly mixed saxophone solos and Disney style twinkling glissandos with galloping guitar riffs and lyrics about the plague, I would've written you off and gone back to listening to...I dunno, Iron Maiden and Metallica and stuff, I can't remember what I was really into a couple of years ago. Point is that in a world so shitty with Rock/Metal music desperately trying to recapture the magic of the past by rewriting Led Zeppelin or AC/DC songs, it's great to hear a band that have captured a new, distinct sound (albeit one created through old influences).

So it's no secret that I really love this album and would recommend it to pretty much anyone who appreciates good music but there are a couple of minor issues here and there. For all the grandiose string/synth sections or lofty vocal performances from Tobias Forge or whatever the fuck title he's currently referring to himself as, the album sounds less like a Rock record and more like something from a broadway musical about the Phantom Of The Opera's neglected brother. This isn't a big problem for fans of that kind of music but it does create a few lulls for those who love the heavier tracks like "Miasma" and "Faith".
It's also quite possible that fans of Ghost's earlier work might not like the direction they're moving in, as their debut album contained more guitar-based Rock with lower production values. However, the lighter songs like "See The Light" and "Life Eternal" are still good, though. Plus the production and audio mix are exceptional, even if you're not stamping your foot or banging your head to the rhythm. It'd be hard to mark this album down based on that without sounding like a colossal tool; it'd be like criticising  TV shows because they've started using colour and stereo sound.
All in all, it's hard to criticise Prequelle for anything other than personal taste. I can't fault the album for its ambition, I can't fault it for its execution, I can't fault it for its technical quality, I can't fault it for its variety, I can't fault it for lacking a certain 'wow' factor and I certainly can't fault it for its lasting impression as I've been enjoying the singles from this album for over a month now. I rate it...you ready for this? 10/10! That's right, it's a brilliant album that you should all go and listen to. Apologies for the slightly shorter review but do you really want to read me banging on about how awesome this album is for another three paragraphs? Also, that time spent reading could've been time spent listening to Prequelle.

Well? What the fuck are you still doing here, GET ON SPOTIFY NOW!

Friday, 27 July 2018

Here Is The News: July 2018 Edition

We're back with more totally real news that hasn't been fabricated for comedic effect!


NEW ERIC CLAPTON GUITAR PEDAL SLAMMED FOR OFFENSIVE DESCRIPTION

Iconic guitarist Eric Clapton has come under fire this week for releasing a guitar effects pedal with a description fans and musicians alike have described as "shocking", "inflammatory" and "uncalled for". The description for the guitar effects pedal, named the "Smokey Lightning Fingers" pedal, reads "If you want to sound as electric as Slow Hands, you want this specially crafted guitar pedal that gets the job done without sounding too loud or aggressive". It goes on to say "Mr Clapton personally oversaw construction of the pedal and has given it his personal seal of approval".

Fans have criticised the pedal's description due to being far too outrageous for the kind of music they'd associate with Eric Clapton (pictured left), many of which took to Twitter to voice their opinions on the pedal's blurb. Some tweets by users who have been left anonymous include "I can't believe Eric Clapton allowed something so forceful to be attributed to his name. 'You want this'? Uhhh, anyone else getting sick of white guys telling us what we want?! #Boycott" and "Have you seen this new guitar pedal's description? 'Electric'? What year is this, is Clapton back on the coke?"

Fans weren't the only ones upset about Eric Clapton's new guitar pedal; musicians also took to Twitter to voice their distaste over the wording of the product. Joyless, generic Indie Pop outfit Braids posted from their account "I may not non-ironically listen to anything from before 2002 but I know that Eric Clapton clearly didn't consider the feelings of the easily upset before giving his 'seal of approval' to this peddle [sic]". Braids also blasted Clapton on stage at a gig in London to nearly two dozen people waiting for a better band to turn up.

In response to the viral outrage over yet another musician trying to do something harmless for their fans, audio equipment company TC Electronic have chosen to withdraw Clapton's guitar pedal from their online shop until further notice. When asked for comment, TC Electronic's spokesperson stated "The last thing we want to do when selling products is hurt anyone's feelings. After all, pushing boundaries and challenging established beliefs isn't what Rock is about; Rock is about playing it safe and appealing to as many demographics as possible, no matter how sensitive or previously indifferent".

Eric Clapton posted on his FaceBook page shortly after the news of the pedal's removal from the online shop dropped. The status update read "milk bread. order milk and bread. order milk an dbread online. how to odrer milk and bread online. best milk for back pain. how to you tube. www.youtube.com www.youtube.com duck videos". About twenty minutes later, Eric's daughter Kelly posted an update on her FaceBook page on behalf of her father that read "My dad is one of the most kind-hearted people on the face of the planet and would never knowingly cause such an outcry...well, apart from that time he reaffirmed his views about Enoch Powell and immigration in 2007. Apart from that, he's a good guy, I guess".


NEW TRAILER FOR ELO BIOPIC RELEASED

A brand new trailer for Out Of The Blue, a biopic about the band Electric Light Orchestra, has been released and is rapidly gaining attention on YouTube and social media. The film tells the exciting, emotional and action-packed story about Jeff Lynne, Roy Wood and the Electric Light Orchestra's career from the early 70s to present day with a splash of drama added to make the biopic more entertaining for general audiences, followed by gallons upon gallons of drama vigorously emptied on top in the hopes that it will earn an award along with a bunch of cash.

Roy Wood and Jeff Lynne (pictured left) were the founding members of the Electric Light Orchestra and are played by Jack Black and Chris Pratt respectively in the biopic. Some fans have criticised the casting but after seeing the pair in action in the two trailers, the general consensus is that the film will be nothing short of perfect. According to the film's director, the band's biography contains very little in the way of high-octane drama or heated conflicts that can be exploited for entertainment purposes so certain elements of the film had to be ever so slightly exaggerated if not completely fabricated.

The trailer featured the moment in which Jeff Lynne came up with the initial idea for the band's signature song after getting beaten up by street gangs and being left for dead in an alley, staring up at an absolutely spotless blue sky. It also boasted an impressive mash-up of some of the band's biggest hits such as "Don't Bring Me Down", "Hold On Tight" and "Turn To Stone", not to mention a superb use of "Evil Woman" during a scene in which Roy Wood and his wife indulged in an incredible, emotional night of passionate arguing.

When asked about why a large portion of the film's trailer appears to have nothing to do with the reality behind the band's history in a recent interview, the film's director stated "Sometimes, you have to supercharge the less interesting moments of a band's career. It doesn't matter if the story behind a band's most iconic song isn't that significant because the people filling up the cinema seats? Those fucking cattle? Those popcorn munching dipshits who went to see a film version of a band's rise to fame instead of watching factual TV interviews or, God forbid, reading up on it? They don't care about the truth; they care about emotional drama in a nostalgic backdrop so they can forget about how shit their lives are for two hours in a dark room surrounded by similar weepy idiots. Now what time does this interview start?" followed by 40 minutes of extensive backpedalling.

Out Of The Blue releases in two months time and is expected to perform favourably at the box office, despite being released alongside Cancer Babies, a gritty heartbreaking drama about hard-done-by women giving birth to infants stricken with cancer in the 70s...and the North.


KIRK HAMMETT TO FACE PEDAL ABUSE CHARGES

Metallica guitarist, Kirk Hammett, has been arrested on suspicion of abusing his wah-pedal for the last 35 years. The entire Metal community has rallied together to ensure Hammett is brought to justice for the way he's treated his guitar pedal during every one of his guitar solos ever since "Hit The Lights", not just the first song Metallica ever wrote and recorded together but also the first alarm bell that Kirk's wah-pedal was being abused.

Once news of Kirk's arrest was made public, Metallica posted a response on their website reading: "Whilst Kirk Hammett will always be part of the Metallica family, we in no way condone abuse and are sorry to any fans we may have offended due to our inaction over Kirk's continued abuse of his wah-pedal. We should have intervened when he kept his foot down on it during the "Dyer's Eve" solo and we definitely should have done more than simply masking the signs of abuse by fading out during the "Fade To Black" outro. From the bottom of our heart, we apologise to the entire Metallica family".

Hammett's crimes were only brought to the police after a coordinated effort by members of the Metallica dedicated fan forum, WeHateMetallica.net. A thread entitled "Anyone else find this a little disturbing?" that detailed multiple examples of abuse recorded on Metallica's albums in a supercut on Youtube rapidly gained steam, attaining over 200 posts within 24 hours. Many posts listed further examples of Hammett abusing his wah-pedal although the majority of posts by Metallica fans resorted to criticising Lars.

The Dunlop KH95 Kirk Hammett Signature Cry Baby wah-pedal (pictured right) is one of many victims that's dealt with Kirk's abuses over the years. In fact, after some research, devoted fans on WeHateMetallica.net uncovered video interviews where Kirk Hammett actually admitted to abusing up to three different wah-pedals simultaneously whilst recording the band's recent album, Hardwired... To Self-Destruct. However, after years of raising funds to hire a prosecutor, the fans were finally able to put together a case against Hammett. Forum mod MoProckzz posted "For too long now, effects pedals have felt Hammett's boot pressing down on them. With all of this evidence we've assembled, we're hoping that justice will finally be done" shortly before three pages of posts talking about Metallica haven't been a real band since ...And Justice For All.

The various effects pedals used by Hammett have been confiscated and taken to a local guitar technician to check for serious injuries although case notes shared on the forum seem to indicate that the trauma is more emotional than physical. One thing's for certain though: it'll be a while before Kirk Hammett abuses a guitar pedal again...at least a couple of months when the band go back on tour.


More news coming next month!

Thursday, 19 July 2018

Showdown: Cover Versions, part 5

Part 5? Yeah, it's part 5.
More cover versions! This time, unlike the last two posts, we're going back to Rock/Metal covers of Rock/Metal/Pop songs; no WaveGroup covers this time. As always, I'll be writing about the original, then writing about the cover version before offering my verdict on which version is best and why. There's no real theme to this post. I'll try to pick famous cover versions or covers of famous songs (as usual) but other than putting the more well known covers first, it's a basically a free-for-all!
Also, underneath this post is an embedded Spotify playlist containing originals and covers so you can listen along if you want.

ROUND ONE: Bad Company
Bad Company - I think I've said this is "arguably" the band's signature song in the past but when your band literally shares the name of a song from an album that ALSO shares its name with the song, there's not really any argument to be had. It's a decent track, a little plain in comparison to some of their other tracks but if you want a vocally driven song with a catchy chorus and some nice piano melodies, look no further. It's just a shame the guitar solo in the outro is weak but you can't have everything.
Five Finger Death Punch - I'll admit that this song transitions well into a Five Finger Death Punch track and the band do a good job of knowing where to be heavy. The solo isn't as excessive as other contemporary Hard Rock/Metal covers (Black Label Society and Guns N' Roses could learn a thing or two) and this song has an actual outro instead of fading out during a solo. It's a great cover alright, although I'm still not entirely sold on it. Maybe I just dislike the sound of Five Finger Death Punch but even though I can't find anything wrong with it, I still don't want to listen to it again.
VERDICT - I'm really torn on this one because even though I'd rather listen to Bad Company's original, I feel like I have more positive things to say about Five Finger Death Punch's cover. I think I've got to go with my gut and say Bad Company take the win for having stronger (albeit fewer) positive aspects. Five Finger Death Punch still pulled out a great cover and it's not surprising that their version of this song is regarded to be one of their better tracks.

ROUND TWO: The Sound Of Silence
Simon & Garfunkel - As great as this song is, I feel like Arrested Development has kinda tainted it. I can't hear this song without thinking of "I've made a huge mistake" and Will Arnett but thankfully, those thoughts dissipate once the percussion comes in. Whilst this song might be overused in the media, it's still a brilliant vocally driven Classic Rock track. The lyrics were also referenced in "The Spirit Of Radio" - Rush ("and the words of the prophets were written on the studio walls, echoes with the sounds of salesmen") so it's got that going for it too.
Disturbed - Remember when the Internet went all fangirl over this cover as if it was the greatest fucking thing since that video of the cat saying "Oh long Johnson"? I'll admit, it starts off really well. The build up and use of piano to deliver the melody are fantastic, not to mention David Draiman's restrained vocals. However, there's something about this song that reminds me of those awful covers on The X Factor during "Rock week"; it just feels artificial, staged. Then it reaches the three minute mark and just becomes silly; Draiman starts growling and I completely lose interest. However, having listened to the whole song in one sitting after taking a break from the snippets I constantly used to hear over the radio, it's not bad.
VERDICT - Definitely Simon & Garfunkel. The introduction of percussion alone is better than any single part of the Disturbed cover and whilst Disturbed did try something interesting, I feel like they were just short of a perfect cover. But hey, at least I understand why people loved this cover so much now, even if I don't share the sentiment.

ROUND THREE: Am I Evil?
Diamond Head - There are many versions of this song but I think the one I prefer is the 1982 rerecording. You know, the one with the slightly slower intro (if it helps, I believe it was the one used in Guitar Hero: Metallica, NOT Brutal Legend). Anyway, the song is still awesome from start to finish. It's almost like an Ozzy-era Black Sabbath song but done properly, from the heavy "Evil" chords at the start to the chugging riff during the vocals. Easily the band's signature song and with songwriting talents like this, it's a shame we didn't get to see Diamond Head reach the heights of their contemporaries at the time.
Metallica - Metallica assembled and recorded many covers for Garage Inc. but arguably this is the most significant. They shot into the spotlight after playing a cover of "Am I Evil?" before they recorded Kill Em All and I've got to say, it's pretty damn good. They don't really change much about it yet successfully make the song sound like their own. It sounds like something they could have written themselves although if you heard the original first, you probably won't get much out of it.
VERDICT - Whilst it's not as night & day as the last round, the win goes to Diamond Head. Both versions are great and it probably depends on which one you heard first but in cases like this, I tend to favour the original. However, at least Metallica only have one official version of this track whereas Diamond Head have about three.

ROUND FOUR: Call Me The Breeze
J.J. Cale - This is a nice, easy going Blues Rock track by the guy Eric 'Boring' Clapton wishes he could've been. It's a fairly short little tune with a simple guitar solo and vocals throughout; nothing imposing and it fades out during the outro. Other than that, there's not really a lot to comment on. Moving on!
Lynyrd Skynyrd - I think a lot of people incorrectly assume this is a Skynyrd original in the same way people assume "Cocaine" is a Clapton original (it isn't and unsurprisingly, J.J. Cale's is much better). Lynyrd Skynyrd took the original and turned it ALL THE WAY up with a tasty guitar AND piano solo, not to mention brass accompaniment and an actual outro (which is pretty rare for Skynyrd's bigger songs). Every aspect of this song is better...so guess who's getting the win.
VERDICT - Lynyrd Skynyrd take a well deserved win right here. However, if we were comparing the J.J. Cale original with the Eric 'Boring' Clapton cover from a few years ago, J.J. would be taking home the win without a doubt.

ROUND FIVE: All Along The Watchtower
Bob Dylan - Did you know that this song was a Bob Dylan track before Hendrix covered it? I mean, you do if you played Guitar Hero 5 but yeah, here it is! Bob Dylan sounds like a comedian doing a Bob Dylan impression and the harmonica throughout gets annoying pretty fucking quickly. As for the acoustic guitar, it's basically an afterthought. In other words, this song is a little shitty although if you prefer Folk to Rock, you'll probably love it.
Jimi Hendrix - Arguably Hendrix's signature song and it isn't even his. However, the changes made to the overall structure and addition of all the guitar solos (not to mention Jimi's far superior vocal range) turn this into an iconic Rock song. Whilst I'm not hugely into the track in comparison to some of his other well known songs like "Castles Made Of Sand" and "Hey Joe", you can't deny that the opening chords that flow into the first guitar solo are just perfect.
VERDICT - Easily a win for Jimi Hendrix. Despite having a slower tempo and lasting a lot longer than the original, it's a straight up classic whilst the original deserves to fade into obscurity.

ROUND SIX: Back In Black
AC/DC - After Bon Scott died and the band found a replacement in the form of Brian Johnson, AC/DC wanted to come back with a powerful Rock anthem to show fans that they were still a pure Hard Rock machine. The band chose wisely with this song containing a wealth of epic riffs, sweet solos and raw vocals and whilst Bon Scott was truly the better vocalist, Brian's voice was at its finest at the start of his lengthy stretch with the band.
Living Colour - So you might be wondering why I chose this song/cover. To me, "Back In Black" is one of those iconic Rock songs that people will ALWAYS associate with AC/DC and to cover it is inviting disappointment...until I heard Living Colour try it. The guitar is spot on throughout and whilst the vocals get a little too screechy, I wanted to include this track in the list as a way of showing that good covers of this song can exist, not just tacky ones of AC/DC tracks that existed as alternatives to the original before the band became available on Spotify.
VERDICT - Even though I like the Living Colour version, I think we all agree that AC/DC knocked it out of the park with this track. If Living Colour's vocals weren't so abrasive, they may have taken home the win here but alas, it wasn't to be.

ROUND SEVEN: Helter Skelter
The Beatles - Music historians cite this song as one of the earliest influences for the Heavy Metal genre and whilst I can agree with that statement, anyone who calls this song Heavy Metal is a fucking idiot. At best, it's Hard Rock although even by Deep Purple standards, it's more like 60s Garage. Anyway, this song was about as heavy as The Beatles got with clashing symbols, screeching vocals and chugging guitar riffs. It's a decent track although not exactly in the band's wheelhouse. That being said, I'll take it over their trippy, psychedelic, circus nonsense.
Motley Crue - Fun fact: Motley Crue also toyed with the idea of recording a cover of "Paperback Writer", the far greater Beatles song, and did play that track live a few times. However, between the two songs, I'm glad "Helter Skelter" got the studio treatment. The Crue took the blueprints for a fine Hard Rock song and beefed it up a bit, transforming it into a decent Hair/Heavy Metal tune. It's just a shame that the lyrics about going down slides don't really make the same transition as the music.
VERDICT - Whilst I'd obviously pick The Beatles over Motley Crue for overall strength of music, I'm giving the win to Motley Crue here. Heavier song needs heavier music and The Beatles just fell a little short, although they came damn close to writing a full on Hard Rock song. Maybe in an alternate timeline where they kept going long after 1970, the band rerecorded it with the necessary power it deserves. However, until interdimensional travel exists, at least we've got Motley Crue's version.

ROUND EIGHT: Oops I Did It Again
Britney Spears - For years, I thought this and "...Baby One More Time" were the exact same song. Ya know, because they sound identical. Anyway, apparently this is a different song that uses other words? Either way, it's still a generic Pop song with piano chords, basic percussion, lyrics designed by a committee to make teenage girls want to be her and horny dads want to fuck her. Whilst I'm generally not a fan of Pop music (or Britney Spears), this song certainly isn't "Toxic".
Children Of Bodom - Children Of Bodom have done some great little covers over their years but I think this is the one that everyone knows.  A Melodic Death Metal cover of a Pop song. Vocally, this song is absolute shite outside of the chorus although I'm guessing that's kinda the point; it feels like it was performed sarcastically and you know what? I can dig that. Musically, it's one of the lesser Children Of Bodom tracks but they still managed to fit a solid guitar solo into it.
VERDICT - Children Of Bodom did something fun and unique with a bland song so they deserve a win. I also recommend their covers album Skeletons In The Closet if you want some other decent tunes of theirs, provided you like Melodic Death Metal.

ROUND NINE: Smoke On The Water
Deep Purple - One of the most iconic guitar riffs of all time and also one of the most basic Deep Purple/Richie Blackmore songs. Admittedly, it's a pretty great riff and there are some decent Ian Gillan vocals but other than that, it's an underperforming Hard Rock track. Weak guitar solo and goes on way too long but it's still an OK song if you haven't heard many other Deep Purple tunes. However, I bet there are bands who could do a fantastic cover of this song...
The Flaming Lips - ...just not these guys. If you haven't heard The Flaming Lips cover of "Smoke On The Water", part of me wants to recommend it just to hear how fucking terrible it is. It's the height of experimental hipster shit and once those vocals come in, you know you're in for something terrible. Similar to the Children Of Bodom song, this feels like a piss-take although unlike their Britney Spears cover, this just sounds awful.
VERDICT - I picked this song because I knew The Flaming Lips did a shite cover that you needed to know about. Obviously Deep Purple get the win and OK, maybe this entry is a little one sided so in the interest of balance, let's have a well known song with an amazing cover.

ROUND TEN: Cheap Sunglasses
ZZ Top - If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll probably know my opinion of "Cheap Sunglasses" and indeed, early ZZ Top. Great songs but absolutely terrible mixes; flatter than day old coke and in dire need of a remaster. However, ignoring technical flaws, the song's bloody good. Great riffs, fun lyrics and a decent solo; an awesome Blues Rock track. If the mix was better, this would be the perfect Rock song.
The Sword - Now THIS is what I'm talking about. Proper dynamics whilst still keeping the grit and Blues aspects. Granted it's more like Heavy Metal than Hard Rock now but The Sword have taken this song and ramped it up. Hopefully ZZ Top will hear this and be inspired to rerecord/remaster their back catalogue one day. The Sword have also done a smashing cover of "Cold Sweat" - Thin Lizzy although because that was a B-side to one of their singles, it's harder to find online.
VERDICT - Definitely The Sword although I still like ZZ Top's original a lot.


As stated above, here's a Spotify playlist of all the songs discussed in this post so you can listen along and decide whether I'm making some good points or are just completely full of shit...or ya know, somewhere in the middle.