Tenology: More Terrible Rock/Metal Lyrics

It always seems to be the way when you're compiling a list of some sort. You gather a bunch of examples that you spend quite a bit of time looking for, sort them into a handy blog post and then a few days later, even better examples fall right into your lap!
This blog post has been months in the making, as I wanted to spend longer gathering even better examples of truly rubbish lyrics from great Rock and Metal songs. If there are songs with shoddy writing that you feel I've missed, feel free to let me know on Twitter or the comment section, although keep in mind that I may have already covered your song choices in the first of these posts.
Anyway, let's get cringing!

1. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - Def Leppard

"Step inside, walk this way,
You and me babe, hey hey"

I was surprised to learn the crappy edit of the song with this intro is the actual album version!

Def Leppard aren't lyrical wordsmiths by any standards but as long as they're capable of pumping out top quality music, that isn't a problem. However, there are times when that belief is put to the test, such as in the intro to their signature song. There are stories about this song being written and finished in an hour or so whilst on a break from recording other tracks and I'm tempted to believe them with lines like this. It's as if they couldn't be bothered to think of anything better to rhyme with "way" so opted for the Krusty The Clown ending. It's not even the only shit lyric, as someone on Twitter once pointed out that the song about sex officially stops being sexy at the line "one lump or two".


2. "The Jack" - AC/DC

"She's got the jack, she's got the jack
She's got the jack, jack, jack, jack, jack, jack, jack"

This song makes Rock Or Bust sound like bloody DragonForce

Give me any 40 minute Prog odyssey over this shit as I'm convinced "The Jack" is quite possibly the most boring fucking song in all of Rock. I know AC/DC albums tend to have uninspired filler tracks but this takes the absolute piss. Ignoring the fact that the band couldn't think of any clever or even bad lyrics after "she's got the jack" and decided to just repeat the line until you feel like jacking your life in yourself, the lyrical matter of this song doesn't match the music at all. It's a slow Bluesy number that is such a poor fit for a song about a girl with the clap; maybe that's what they were going for just to be cheeky but instead, it comes across as dirge.


3. "Death Or Glory" - Iron Maiden

"Climb like a monkey,
out of hell where I belong"

This lyric is the main reason I don't listen to this song that much anymore

Usually, Iron Maiden tracks (whether filler or singles) have great lyrics and even if they are overusing the theme of war, those songs can still drive a point home regardless of when that point was first made. However, this song has one line that removes listeners from the greatness of the music and feels like it doesn't belong with the rest of the lyrics. "Climb like a monkey" sounds like something out of an Ozzy Osbourne track, not an Iron Maiden one. Shame too, as the rest of the song is awesome.


4. "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" - The Clash

"If I go there will be trouble,
And if I stay it will be double"

Never liked this album cover, not sure why.

I think this argument was first brought up in a book by Al Murray (could be wrong) but I've always felt the same way about these lyrics too. Surely, if that's the dilemma The Clash are facing, the logical answer is to go! "If I stay it will be double" means that they're in a worse situation if they stay, so why the fuck are they so confused about this? There may be some underlying metaphorical bollocks about the connotations of "it will be double" but the denotation implies they'll be worse off if they stay. Good thing I started watching Stranger Things, otherwise I may have forgotten about these lyrics!


5. "What Difference Does It Make?" - The Smiths

"So what difference does it make?
So what difference does it make?
It makes none..."

Shittalking lyrics in a Smiths song? Fuck, I've got some explaining to do!

I'll admit, this entry is probably more of a personal pet peeve than me pointing out genuinely rubbish lyrics but stick with me! Morrissey is kind of like a musical Banksy; people can go on for days about all the poetic statements he's made about his beautifully grim view on life but when all's said and done, he comes across as a massive bellend, more so than Sting or Bono in my opinion. However, we're not here to talk about his alliance with vegan nutjobs PETA or his attitude towards his past/superior work, just these lines in this song which MAYBE a more humble musician wouldn't have included.
Call me pedantic but I have a massive problem with lyrics that answer their own rhetorical questions; imagine how much shittier that last track I talked about would be if The Clash sung "Should I stay or should I go? I should definitely go" in each chorus. It comes across as patronising, like we couldn't work out what Morrissey was fucking getting at without him spelling it out seconds later...and yes, I'm aware of the irony of that last sentence. At least Johnny Marr's guitar is a constant redeeming factor here, as is the case with most decent songs by The Smiths.


6. "Soul To Squeeze" - Red Hot Chili Peppers

"Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone,
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad"

Probably the most RHCP-y song of all RHCP songs

Usually, Red Hot Chili Peppers songs have fucking great lyrics and even if you can't make out all of the words, they all mesh perfectly with the music and rhythm. However, I can remember hearing this part of the song and finding myself removed from the music. To me, the only band that can get away with fitting vocal nonsense to great music is Tenacious D (hence their absence from this list). For a band known for amazing lyrics, this string of gibberish is especially worthy of a place in this post although I probably would've included it even if they had the lyrical genius of a Poison song.


7. "Civil War" - Guns N' Roses

"What's so civil about war, anyway?"

Guys, have you heard? War is bad! GNR figured it out!

Yeah man, what IS so civil about war? That's, like, such a clever observation dude and get this; why do Universal Studios only ever show the Earth if they're UNIVERSAL Studios?
Aren't all glasses technically 3D glasses?
Is your mind blown yet, brah?
OK, in what I assume were Axl's last words before recording this bollocks, let's get serious now. I'm not sure what the worst thing about this lyric is; the fact that Axl is questioning his own message about all wars being civil wars, the way it's still trying to make the song seem like it gives a fuck about other people despite being all about Axl telling us how much HE doesn't need war or the pathetic, patronising tone Axl takes when he utters this line during the outro. The rest of the lyrics are pretty shocking too, although not in the way Axl intended. When you have verses singing "look at the people dying, look at the women crying" or some shit and then try to round the song off with a pseudo-philosophical question about war, you've got a perfect candidate for this blog post.


8. "ABC" - The Jackson 5

"Sit down girl, I think I love you,
No, get up girl"

It might not be "Rock" but I would argue it's a Funk/Pop-based Rock subgenre so it counts, damnit!

I've always hated this song about a teacher trying to chat up a child who doesn't know her basic alphabet as sung by a four year old but this lyric is the final straw for me. It's fucking annoying and makes no bloody sense; plus it makes Michael Jackson's teacher sound like an absolute prick, berating a young girl for doing exactly what he's ordering her to. People give modern Pop artists like Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj shit for singing truly awful lyrics written by six studio producers to make as much money off idiotic teenage girls and teenage boys trying to get with idiotic teenage girls as possible but...well, you get the point I'm making.


9. "Bad Bad Boy" - Nazareth

"I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad-bad boy"

I'll admit this is similar to a previous entry on the list but it's still worthy of this list

If you've heard this song, you'll probably already think it's annoying anyway. If you haven't heard it, it's quite possibly one of the worst Hard Rock songs in existence. As soon as the slide guitar comes in and you realise it's yet another shitty rendition of the Blues chord progression, you know you're in for a godawful track. However, I'm not here to discuss this song's quality, just the lyrics.
They're serviceable for the most part but towards the end when the band ran out of ideas, it goes from shit to shite. Dan McCafferty starts singing the word "bad" over and over, similar to when Dave Grohl sings "The Best" in "Best Of You" - Foo Fighters, only this time it's grating and sounds like it goes on for fucking ages. They could've improved this song by...hmmm...well, not writing it, I suppose.


10. "Teenage Dirtbag" - Wheatus

"I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden, baby
Come with me Friday, don't say maybe"

Apparently, this song came from an actual album! Who knew?

Another song I fucking despise. To be honest, I could've copied the entire song's lyrics down as the whole thing is stupid but I chose these two lines for reasons I'll explain a bit later. It starts off with a dork singing about a girl named Noel, given a boy's name just to allow for a shitty rhyme, and he laments the fact that she's going out with a dick. If this song were written now, everyone would hate the lead singer for being a "nice guy", although he claims that this jock brings a gun to school so I'm not really sure who I'm supposed to hate here; someone who may shoot up a school or a whiny pussy bitching all the way through this song.
Anyway, by the end of the track (during the lyrics I've quoted), the girl he fancies approaches him at the prom and asks him if he wants to go see Iron Maiden with her. Leaving aside the fact that if the romance was genuine, this would NEVER HAPPEN, the cynical part of me thinks this is basically just the girl mentally screwing with the dork to get his hopes up. However, the lyrics or band aren't nearly clever enough to give that impression. Fuck Wheatus and fuck this song.


Chances are I'll hear a song with worse lyrics than any of these in the next week so, similar to what I'm doing with one of my Showdown posts, I'll add any extra songs to the end of this post until I reach 10 tracks with shitty lyrics; then I'll paste them all into another blog post.
If you have any recommendations of songs with terrible lyrics, let me know via Twitter or the comment section. Apologies if I forgot any feedback I received from the last one of these posts (as I know somebody messaged me). Next week, album review(s)!

Taster Session #4

It's been a while since I've done one of these. Then again, it's been a while since we've had several singles for upcoming Rock albums that I'm potentially interested in coming out. Time to take a look (or rather listen) at some of the new material we've been graced with recently.

"Burn The Witch" - Radiohead         (listen here)
From the album A Moon Shaped Pool (08/05/16)

Oh my God, new Radiohead song guys! Holy shit, it's about time we had new Radiohead to listen to! Fuck me, I can't believe Radiohead have done it again by being Radiohead. I mean, it's taken them nearly 16 years to put this together so the hype is deserved, right? Did you hear the singing? CLASSIC Radiohead, right there. And the strings, OH JESUS I NEARLY FORGOT THE STRINGS!! There are strings in this song but wait for it...wait...THEY'RE PIZZI-MOTHERFUCKING-CAT-MOTHERFUCKING-O!!!! Well obviously this is the best song we're ever going to hear this year until Kanye West hits the studio again so we might as well just revel in the glory that is and always will be Radiohead.
In all seriousness though, it's an OK song considering nothing happens throughout it.


"Bored To Death" - blink-182         (listen here)
From the album California (01/07/16)

Jesus, these guys must have finally run out of "All The Small Things" money. Continuing the trend of 90's Pop Punk bands who've decided to grow up and release Alternative music instead, blink-182 have released...this. It's not edgy, it's not passionate, it's just generic Teen Girl Rock. It's a TV Ad Song, which is pretty impressive as it took Punk icons the Ramones a good 40 years before their music was used to promote fridge warehouses on TV. Hey, guess I was wrong about Punk being an absolute joke of a genre. But enough about that, let's get back on track.
If the rest of the album sounds like this Kings Of Leon ripoff, the band might just become relevant again for the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, I'm sat here waiting for The Offspring to come out with another album.


"I Know There's Something Going On" - Jorn         (listen here)
From the album Heavy Rock Radio (03/06/16)

Well I don't think any of us expected this to be a thing. Not the concept of a covers album by Metal vocalist/solo artist Jorn Lande but the album opener and lead single being a cover of Pop song "I Know There's Something Going On" by ABBA's Frida. I mean, as far as the Pop to Metal transition goes, it's a pretty damn faithful cover and Jorn fucking nails it from start to finish. In fact, if you didn't know about the original version, you could easily assume this was a standard Metal track from someone like Ozzy Osbourne (you know, assuming someone with better singing abilities took the mic instead of him).
This is one of the albums I'm really looking forward to hearing when it drops but not because of this song. It's a good cover but I would've preferred a more well known Pop Rock track covered instead of this one, sort of like the Disturbed cover of Genesis' "Land Of Confusion". I'm still hoping someone performs a Metal cover of "Jesus He Knows Me" - Genesis with double bass drumming and added guitar solos but until then, I guess this album will have to do.


"The Devil's Bleeding Crown" - Volbeat         (listen here)
From the album Seal The Deal & Let's Boogie (03/06/16)

I should probably find more Volbeat songs to listen to as most of the ones I've heard are pretty good. The vocalist sounds a little silly to me but not enough to put me completely off the band, like Axl Rose. However, for all their powerful Hard Rock tracks, there seem to be an equal number of mediocre ones that sound like they were written for radio play, which doesn't work well if you're a band that's on the border between Hard Rock and Metal.
Luckily, this song is what I would call one of the "better" Volbeat tracks in my opinion although there is one glaring fault. I've said before that despite not caring about Nickelback, I really like their song "Burn It To The Ground". This track is REALLY similar to that one...like, REEAAALLLLLY similar. Even the call and response structure between vocals and the main riff in the verse sounds like it's been lifted. Combine that Nickelback song with Volbeat's "A Warrior's Call" and you get "The Devil's Bleeding Crown". Still, there are worse songs they could've ripped off so I'm still looking forward to the new album if this is anything to go by.


"Dark Necessities" - Red Hot Chili Peppers         (listen here)
From the album The Getaway (17/06/16)

...yeah, I don't know.
One thing's clear, this isn't Rock. Not like the band have produced before. It's heavily swaying towards the Funk region and some listeners will probably love that. As for me, I really don't know yet. I feel like I could grow to like this song in the future as there are some enjoyable aspects (such as the outro solo and vocal melody in the chorus) but for now, I'm pretty underwhelmed.
I think RHCP are one of the few bands where I actually prefer their softer songs over their heavier ones. I'd much rather listen to "Snow [[Hey Oh]]", "Under The Bridge" or "Soul To Squeeze" than "Dani California", "Suck My Kiss" or "By The Way". Despite that, this song just didn't do it for me. I may give the rest of the album a listen when it comes out but I doubt it, since I didn't bother with their last one.

Once again, if there are any singles or tracks from upcoming albums that you recommend, let me know here or on Twitter. Mind you, most people probably stopped reading after that shit I said about Radiohead at the start and the rest probably stopped paying attention after I reminded you that there's a Nickelback song I like. Nothing but popular opinions here!

Taster Session #2

About a week after I wrote the first Taster Session post, several bands released more singles from upcoming albums. Rather than edit the first one and re-post it, I waited until a few more songs made their way onto Youtube before writing a brand new Taster Session. Also, it may have had something to do with not knowing what to post this week until I can review "High Country" - The Sword in two weeks.
Anyway, here are some more tunes from upcoming albums!

"Saturday Night Gave Me Sunday Morning" - Bon Jovi         (listen here)
From the album Burning Bridges (21/8/15)

From my understanding, this album is supposed to be a collection of unfinished ideas the band had between tours that have been fleshed out to act as a stepping stone between What About Now from 2013 and another studio album coming out next year. As for my opinion about Bon Jovi, I think Dean Winchester put it best in an episode of Supernatural; "Bon Jovi rocks...on occasion". Sadly, this track is not one of those occasions.
It's alright if you're into the medium-paced Rock songs that you can jump around to at gigs but it's no "Wanted Dead Or Alive" or "Let It Rock". Bon Jovi fans will probably like it as Mr Jovi certainly hasn't lost the use of his pipes but it's not to my taste. However, one of the other tracks from the upcoming album ("We Don't Run") has more of a punch to it & sounds like a better version of "My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark" - Fall Out Boy. If you're after music with more aggression & a passionate sound, definitely check that one out.


"Cirice" - Ghost          (listen here)
From the album Meliora (21/8/15)

Is it Ghost or Ghost B.C.? Either way, this track grew on me after a few listens. I started off thinking it was alright & found myself internally humming it a few days later, which is usually a sign that I should buy a song if I'm enjoying the experience of having an earworm. I'm not familiar with the band's previous work but if it's as strong as this, I'm definitely going to check it out. My only real criticism is that the intro goes on a bit long but I'm probably only saying that because I fucking love the chorus and want to hear it immediately.
Everything comes together perfectly in this song, from the haunting piano during the intro to the gradual build-up of guitar riffs and solos. I'm probably going to out myself as a Metal pleb by comparing some of the verse riffing to slower Metallica tunes like "Harvester Of Sorrow" & "Sad But True" but hopefully I'll redeem myself by saying "Cirice" blows those tracks out of the water. Not just that but at no point does this song feel pretentious or uber-serious like some of the more operatic Prog-Metal tunes of the last decade.


"Arrow Of Time" - Queensryche          (listen here)
From the album Condition Human (2/10/15)

I know, I know, I'm missing two umlauts, let's just look past it.
I get the impression that Queensryche are overlooked when it comes to great 80's Metal, as compilation albums often choose "Silent Lucidity" instead of tracks like "Queen Of The Reich". Hopefully, this album will encourage people to dive into older material and maybe even a few of the deep cuts from Operation: Mindcrime if this track is anything to go by. "Arrow Of Time" sounds great if you're into mid-80's Iron Maiden with Todd La Torre taking up the mantle for a second time after Geoff Tate was given his P45 from the band.
Purists will no doubt find fault in Todd La Torre's vocals & bawl about how it's not Queensryche without Geoff Tate, effectively pissing all over the efforts of the rest of the band, but I think he sounds great. He's definitely been inspired by Tate's work with the band but it doesn't sound like he's trying to be Tate. If anything, it sounds like he's trying to be Bruce Dickinson but I won't hold that against him. I'm not as excited for this album as I am for High Country but I'll still check it out & go in with decent expectations.


"HardRockLover" - Prince          (listen here)
From the album HitNRun (??/??/??)

Dear God, this is fucking shit. We've got everything from vocoder to screaming in this turd of a song and further proves Prince's career has gone on far too long. Remember a few years ago when he proclaimed the Internet was "over", shortly before releasing his new album via newspapers? Now he's releasing this album via hip new streaming service Tidal having removed all his previous material from Spotify. I'll be honest, I'm genuinely struggling to grasp whether Prince is the world's greatest troll or just a fucking idiot.
This track feels like someone trying to make fun of Rock and Pop with something that sounds like bad video game music. It sounds like a good song that's been rigorously fucked by someone who believes they're an artist, assisted by a band that are probably more lucky than talented. If he's a troll & he's deliberately releasing crap material under the guise of "art" to ridicule the elitist music journalists (who will no doubt love this), he's doing a great job. If he's actually trying and this is the final result, he should've just stopped after "Let's Go Crazy".


"Speed Of Light" - Iron Maiden          (listen here)
From the album The Book Of Souls (4/9/15)

Once I learned that the 16th offering from my favourite band would be a double album containing an 18-minute orchestral epic, I was a little worried. I reckon I'm in the minority when I say I prefer Iron Maiden's shorter, less progressive songs but that's not to say I dislike the nine minute epics; I just tend to prefer tracks like "The Number Of The Beast" to "Paschendale". However, this track has since blown all my concerns away and now I'm hyped for September 4th to roll in (after August 21st, that is).
As hard as it may be, let's ignore the fantastic video for now as it's the only music video I've linked to in these Taster posts. The song is brilliant & sounds like it could've been written for any one of the earlier Maiden albums. At first, I thought Bruce's vocals sounded a little off (which I can hardly fault them for as this was recorded before his cancer diagnosis) but after a few more listens, it slowly started to improve. Either way, I love this track and it's made me super excited for the album. Job well done, lads!

Once again, a decent mix of tracks I loved and tracks I couldn't stand. If I had to order the ten tracks I've listened to across both Taster posts in my favourite order (1 being best, 10 being worst), it'd go:

1. "Speed Of Light" - Iron Maiden
2. "High Country" - The Sword
3. "Cirice" - Ghost
4. "Coming For You" - The Offspring
5. "Arrow Of Time" - Queensryche
6. "The Vengeful One" - Disturbed
7. "Thunder & Lightning" - Motorhead
8. "Complexity" - Eagles Of Death Metal
9. "Saturday Night Gave Me Sunday Morning" - Bon Jovi
10. "HardRockLover" - Prince

Do you agree? Let me know your order in the comments OR if there are any upcoming albums with great singles out at the moment, although I can't guarantee there'll be a Taster Session #3 written any time soon.