If you're confused by what I mean when I say "Massive Morello/MacArthur Park", you clearly haven't read my Rock Glossary or Absolute Axls blog posts. No worries though, I've got you covered!
A MacArthur Park (or Morello) is a fantastically brilliant factor of a song that stops it from being terrible. For example, the song could have dire lyrics, a boring riff, mediocre performances and go on for seven minutes...BUT at the six minute mark, there's an absolutely amazing guitar solo that blows everything else away and makes the song worth listening to. That right there is a MacArthur Park/Morello!
Anyway, to celebrate what I hope to fucking God is going to be a more positive year than 2016, I've decided to open with a blog post about 10 rubbish songs with one awesome thing about them that stops the songs from being made of absolute suck. Obviously this post is going to be a little divisive with my definitions of what makes a song suck so I tried to choose a mix of tracks that I personally dislike and tracks that are renowned for being hated or disliked by band members and/or the Rock community. I've also tried to find ten different types of MacArthur Park/Morello so it's not just a blog post of eight amazing solos and a couple of great riffs.
Right then, let's get some positivity up in here!
1. "Bawitdaba" - Kid Rock
MaP/M: Verse
To think, without this song he may never have had the chance to coast off Warren Zevon & Lynyrd Skynyrd
Kicking this list off is an artist whom many Rock, Metal, Rap and even just general audio fans despise. Aside from being a Trump supporter and, by extension, a massive asshole, his music is fucking terrible. This song helped shoot him into the mainstream with its combination of Hip Hop and Metal elements that at the time was amazing and not at all tacky like we've come to realise it is now. So what possible factor could redeem this song with a chorus spouting nonsensical lyrics and shitty riffs? In my opinion, the music in the verse.
You'll probably hear me use this argument quite a few times in this post because it's the only way I can really drive it home but if you plucked the guitar and bass riffs from the verses in this song and placed them into a different 90s Metal track with a more talented songwriter/vocalist, they'd sound pretty awesome. I wouldn't call this a good song but at least I don't hate it during those brief moments between diggy-diggy sessions.
2. "Maggie May" - Rod Stewart
MaP/M: Intro up until vocals
Once you get past the album cover, it's actually a pretty good record
Definitely a personal entry on this list. I've always hated this song but never exactly known why, although if I had to pinpoint reasons then I'd probably go with Rod. I can't stand his vocals in this (and more or less every other song he's done) and as soon as he sings "Wake up Maggie", I feel like shutting it off immediately. That being said, if you listen to the album version then you'll hear a lovely little acoustic introduction shortly before the main riff starts. That alone gives me some pleasure when I hear this song now and then but as soon as it gets to the 46 second mark, I'm done.
I suppose the melody throughout the rest of the song isn't bad but when you compare this to "You Wear It Well", a much better Rod Stewart song with softer vocals and better lyrics that sounds incredibly similar, this track has nothing but a lovely introduction to keep me enticed. Granted this song came out first but since they were only about a year apart, this feels more like a fleshed out demo for "You Wear It Well" than a song that deserves acclaim...but that's just my opinion.
3. "Shiny Happy People" - R.E.M.
MaP/M: Main riff
Cards on the table, I don't think this is that bad of a song
This song has pretty much been disowned by the band and if they hadn't included it on a compilation from a few years ago, I'd say that they wanted to bury it. It's basically their "Smells Like Teen Spirit"; a popular song that doesn't truly represent their overall sound or image. Whilst it might not be as bad as some of the entries on this list, I'm guessing that hardcore R.E.M. fans hate it as much as Michael Stipe for the same reasons and when it comes from the same album as "Losing My Religion", it's not going to make any respectable "Best Songs Of 1991" list.
However, you can't argue that this song is based around a pretty solid riff. In fact, no, not "pretty solid". It's a damn good one! Take this riff, swap it with the one for "Pop Song 89", tweak the key & tempo of each song a bit and they'd both still work. It's the rest of the song that lets itself down but it's also this riff that makes "Shiny Happy People" an OK track.
4. "Cemetery Gates" - Pantera
MaP/M: Vinnie Paul
Wish me luck with explaining this one, folks
If you hadn't twigged it by now, I'm alternating between unpopular songs and personal choices so don't bother telling me that "Cemetery Gates" is a fan favourite and one of the best songs off Cowboys From Hell. I used to quite like this song but after multiple listens, I think I fucking hate it now. The chorus riff sounds absolutely pissawful, the vocals aren't much to be desired (with each "GAAAAIIIIIIITES" in the outro, a child in Malaysia dies) and to me, it sounds like Pantera trying to have their own "Fade To Black" moment. I would call it an utter write-off except I can't help but enjoy the few moments in the song when the tempo picks up a bit and the drumming makes everything else work.
I'm not usually a fan of the percussion and playing style in Pantera songs but it's easily the highlight of this song for me. Yes, it has a solid solo and yes, the intro melody is alright but without the rhythm, this would be just another poor Metal power ballad. I suppose this song shouldn't really be here if the drumming isn't the only positive factor but in my eyes, it's the only thing in this song that makes it avoid the pit of turds that practically every other Pantera track falls into.
5. "Rockstar" - Nickelback
MaP/M: Lyrics
Took me four songs before I got Nickelback, must be some kind of record
Ahh Nickelback, the Internet's favourite musical whipping boy. We've reached the point now where some people are starting to argue that Nickelback don't actually suck that much and if you want to know my opinion, it's this; they're a bit crap. I like some tracks like "When We Stand Together" and "Burn It To The Ground" but for the most part, their songs are generic Rock for teenage girls and other people who don't really get what Rock's about. One of their most popular songs is "Rockstar" and whilst it made a big splash when it first came out, people now use this as a reason for hating Nickelback along with their other signature songs "How You Remind Me" and "Photograph".
I'm ashamed to admit that I was one of those people who got caught up in this song when it first came out but now that I've listened to actual Rock music in more detail, I can't say I'm a fan. What I will say is that the lyrics are still the song's best attribute as it goes through all the tropes and stereotypes of being a brash Rock star who wants it all whilst conveying the laid-back mood of the character telling us about his ambitions. You can argue that they're not the best lyrics of the genre or even year but that's not what I'm saying; the lyrics work for the song, they're enjoyable to listen to if you can look past the fact that it's Nickelback behind them and most importantly, they're not bad.
6. "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" - The Offspring
MaP/M: Chorus
I like The Offspring but goddamn, this song sucks. From the "Rock Of Ages" lift at the start to the gratuitous use of "Give it to me baby!" throughout, this track should cause each member of the band embarrassment every time they hear it, and keep in mind The Offspring have released songs like "Don't Pick It Up" in the past. Fortunately, the chorus makes up for the rest of the song.
The guitar riffs and vocals are classic Offspring material that pisses all over everything else this song has to offer and the acid test of whether the MacArthur Park/Morello works just as well in another song without the smell of this one lingering around pays off too; imagine this chorus with "Come Out And Play" off Smash which shouldn't be too hard as the verses for both tracks are basically the same, only this one's worse. It's a shame this song is one of the band's more popular tunes but thankfully, it's also a laughably terrible tune that stains the 90s Pop Punk genre. Yep, it's fucking bad even by those standards.
7. "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" - Limp Bizkit
MaP/M: "Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'"
I can feel myself getting dumber as I listen to this song for research purposes
Talking about how crap this Nu-Metal song from 2000 is ad nauseam would be like ranting about the weak quality of a blind man's round on Draw Something so I'll just say this: it sounds worse than the band's name and album's name combined into one glorious fucking tumour of a title. I think anyone with ears and clothes that fit them will agree when I say Limp Bizkit deserves to be wiped off the surface of history like an accidental drop of snot that lands on the back of your hand when you sigh but if I could salvage one contribution of theirs before going back in time and giving Fred Durst's mum a condom (or copy of this album, which is probably a more reliable contraceptive), it'd be the use of the word "rolling".
Some critics and bloggers argue that it's that word repeated during the chorus that makes this song so unbearable but I'd claim it's the exact opposite. Everything in this song is bad except "keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'" which could work in a modern Metal track. Don't believe me? Listen to 10 seconds of this song from 2:55 to 3:05 when it's just those words without music; doesn't sound as bad, right? I mean, it's hardly the "Shiny Happy People" riff but that'd be the one Limp Bizkit possession I'd save from a burning building...that I intentionally set ablaze with oil and hellfire.
8. "Space Oddity" - David Bowie
MaP/M: Bridge
Aaaaaaand we're back to my unpopular opinions
I don't care about how he was so fucking ahead of his time or how amazing of a human being he was, I fucking despise this song. It's so fucking dreary and overplayed, everyone seems to cum in their drawers every time they hear the first couple of lines and the rest of the song gets even fucking worse. It's like listening to someone slowly reading song lyrics, that's how fucking boring it is. Compare it to something like "Rocket Man" - Elton John, another slow Rock song about the isolation of space travel, and it might as well be an experimental B-side.
The only thing I look forward to when I'm forced to listen to this (which isn't often but not an impossibility) is a certain guitar riff that plays twice during the song. It only lasts six seconds and it can be heard at 2:37 and 4:09. It sounds like something that would play just before a song increases the tempo, gets going and becomes interesting. What happens in this track? Oh, it's just more of the same trippy shit, hooray! You could probably get a good couple of minutes out of that riff during the bridge if they added more drums, maybe a guitar solo and changed the entire structure of the song. If that happened, this song wouldn't be on this list and David Bowie probably wouldn't have been the visionary musician everyone saw him as. When you put it like that, I guess it's a fair trade.
9. "Hotel California" - Eagles
MaP/M: Solo
Yeah, I thought this song was well loved too
After doing some research into "bad Rock songs", I came to a startling conclusion; people really don't like the Eagles. I've known that they're not everyone's favourite band (especially not The Dude's) but judging by the hatred for this band's back catalogue and this song in particular, it would seem that the Eagles were basically the Nickelback of the 70s. Whilst there are several Eagles songs I really enjoy listening to, I can't deny that I fucking hate their most famous song and thankfully, so do several critics/bloggers.
I've talked about it on this blog before but in short, it's basically what I imagine growing old would sound like if you could convert it into an .mp3 file. That being said, it's known for having a great guitar solo at the end and whilst it's not on my top 10 or even 20 list of amazing solos, I can't deny that it is a fine piece of guitarwork. It makes the previous four minutes almost worth listening to although another way of making this song bearable is by speeding it up 25%. Trust me, it sounds better.
10. "We Built This City" - Starship
MaP/M: Vocal solo
Someone needs to remind these guys that they're not Genesis
The final song on this list is quite possibly the single-most hated Rock song from the 20th century. Even Grace Slick, vocalist on the song, has tried to distance herself from it and people have written entire essays dedicated entirely to why this song is terrible. Despite this negative press, I still think the song's alright. It's not something I'd choose to listen to but I can tolerate it when it's on, even if it's musically simplistic and lacking in the lyrics department.
It's hard to pinpoint one great moment from a bad song that you generally like but the part of "We Built This City" that I actually enjoy listening to is the small vocal solo towards the end that's read by a news anchor. It's insignificant and easily forgettable but the quick delivery of the vocals and way it fits in with the music makes it a highlight for me. Everything else in this song is average to rubbish but hey, I wouldn't call it the worst song in Rock.
Did you agree with my choices? Are there other terrible songs with redeeming factors or am I being too fair on some of these tracks? Let me know in the comments or via Twitter and hopefully this positive post will help create a great year...or not...probably not.
No comments:
Post a Comment