Here Is The News: November 2018 Edition

Here's some news for you; I just counted the number of blog posts I'll have to write in December to make it to 52 for the entire year and I'm gonna have to frickin' go some to reach that!
Until then, here's one less blog post to worry about!

BRUCE DICKINSON: WHY I OPENED THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson has revealed his reasons for opening the Ark of the Covenant on stage at the band's latest concert in Germany. The band were halfway through a performance of "Revelations" when Bruce wheeled on the actual Ark of the Covenant and proceeded to open the lid, prompting the holy souls trapped inside to fill the auditorium and recreate the iconic climactic scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, only with concert goers replacing the roles of the Nazis. The outspoken vocalist defended his actions in a recent radio interview in between dates during the band's 2018/19 world tour.

When asked why he opened the Ark, Bruce (pictured left) responded "A lot of people have been spouting nonsense about what the holy Ark of the Covenant is capable of but nobody's actually had the sense to see for themselves. It's all well and good going "Yeah, don't open it" because of that scene in Raiders where all the faces melted but nobody talks about how easy it was to avoid the searing death that the Nazis suffered". Bruce was referring to how Indiana Jones and Marion avoided the same fate as the stormtroopers by averting their eyes when the spirits exited their supernatural prison, something Bruce was quick to do after removing the lid. "Iron Maiden are an experienced band and I know how to sing with my eyes closed. I mean, I was OK so I'm sure our fans were OK if they knew how to close their eyes"!

Bruce Dickinson (estimated net worth $125 million) has shocked fans in the past with his staunch defence of the UK Conservative party and his support of Brexit. His strong opinions have often landed him in hot water and this instance is no exception, as the families of the deceased concert goers have demanded some form of retribution for Bruce's actions. They feel that his actions were largely self-centred and done without the consideration of the hard-working fans who perhaps didn't have the social or economical means to watch the classic Indiana Jones film.

According to the band's management, the idea to bring the Ark of the Covenant on stage and actually open it during the guitar solo of "Revelations" was entirely Bruce's. When asked for further comment on whether the band supported Bruce's decision, guitarist Janick Gers (who was standing closest to the Ark when it was opened) stated "Garfarbfarabrabff", which we believe meant "It's a bit late now but we stand by Bruce and whatever he does on stage, no matter how poorly thought through it might seem".

Bruce has been advised not to wheel out the Ark of the Covenant again but he claimed that he still plans to use it during performances. "At the end of the day, regardless of how bad things might seem now, things will get better. Plastic surgery has come a long way in just the last five years and fans who literally got their faces melted off can have them reconstructed before coming back next year to have them melted off again, albeit figuratively instead!". When questioned about the fans who aren't as wealthy as him and can't afford the tens of thousands of pounds for crucial facial reconstruction surgery, Bruce replied that there are plenty of fine masks available.

AC/DC PLACED ON LIFE-SUPPORT

Australian Rock band AC/DC have been moved to a private wing in the Royal Melbourne Hospital and placed on life-support after losing another band member. The legendary Hard Rock group were in critical condition when they were brought to the hospital with some doctors claiming to be amazed that they've "lasted this long".

The band first showed signs of deteriorating health when they had to go in for treatment in 2014 to replace rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young. After a successful transplant, AC/DC were back in the studio ready to record a new album but after the disappointment that was Rock Or Bust, the band's physical well-being kept declining over the years. The band had to undergo emergency surgery to remove the drummer due to criminal charges pressed against him and less than two years later, AC/DC underwent a frontmanectomy to allow vocalist Brian Johnson a chance to recover from a hearing condition.

Whilst the band were quick to replace Brian Johnson with Axl Rose (pictured above), fans begun to question whether it was fair to allow the band to continue in such a poor state. One lifelong supporter of the band commented "It feels like they're only carrying on for the sake of it, not because they're getting any joy out of what they're doing and certainly not because people are desperate for them to keep going. It's like The Simpsons all over again".

After suffering critical bass player failure, resulting in the loss of Cliff Williams from the band's lineup, AC/DC were once again rushed to hospital to ensure they had enough functioning band members to make it through the tour. Things seemed to be going well until Axl Rose recently fell ill on stage at a Guns N' Roses concert, prompting AC/DC's management to ensure they were plugged into life-support.

It's impossible to say how long the band have left but if there's one thing you can admire them for, it's their determination to keep on fighting. Even when the quality of their music is dwindling and they're resorting to desperate choices for vocalist replacements, AC/DC are hanging on in there until they can rock no more...presumably a couple of days after Angus Young inevitably drops out.

HOT NEW BAND TAKES INTERNET BY STORM

A new, up-and-coming Rock band are rapidly gaining fans after sounding remarkably similar to iconic 70s group Styx. This new band, named River, have released two singles in just two weeks that contain incredibly similar structures, vocals and guitar playing to the songs "Come Sail Away" and "Renegade", two of the band's most popular singles.

River is made up of six band members: Johnny Spaw on vocals, Jim Elder on guitar, Charlie Ozzonap on bass, Rod Schuleman on drums, Larry Cummin keys and Mickey Phelps also on bass. Despite all appearing to be quite old in the music videos for their singles "Boat On The Highway" and "Mr. Mechano", each band member sports a long black moustache and thick black glasses from start to finish.

Fans of 70s music have taken to the YouTube comment sections and social media to remark in absolute amazement that River sound almost identical to Styx, posting such comments as "OMG these guys are the new Styx!!" and "I'd love to hear these guys cover Styx, they sound just like them!!" over and over and over again as if they're the only people on the face of the planet who have made the connection between two bands who sound similar. Even fans of more contemporary music who have only heard Styx through the occasional music snippet in TV shows have noted similarities, although almost 100% of them don't care.

When asked for comment on River's entrance onto the Rock scene, none of the members of Styx have been available. In fact, none of the members of Styx have even been seen in the last fortnight. Whilst there are theories all over the Internet describing where Styx could have gone, the theory with the most credibility seems to be the one stating that they're simply getting rehearsing and getting ready for their tour with Larry The Cable Guy. This is a thing that's happening. Styx are going on tour with Larry The Cable Guy. I'm actually not making this bit up.

River aren't the only band with remarkable similarities to a 70s Rock group getting next to no attention anymore who have surfaced recently. A few months ago, The Tumbling Rocks released their first album to an audience of indifferent hipsters and earlier this year, Purple Lloyd teased a new album and tour starting mid-December. The sudden resurgence of Classic Rock has proven that it doesn't matter if you create new, exciting material and develop your own style of music for a modern audience still hungry for Rock; as long as you can sound exactly like a band that isn't doing anything worthwhile anymore, you can bring some happiness to overweight fans who desperately want it to be 1973 again.

I'm not sure if I'll get all the blog posts done in time for January but I'll definitely get at least four up!

Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Hurrah, it's finally here! The Spyro the Dragon remake/remaster + that did a much better job of recapturing the pure joy of the original trilogy whilst improving on it for a 21st century audience than the N. Sane Trilogy did for Crash Bandicoot. I could talk about small but significant gameplay tweaks and how the handling feels spot on (for the most part) but that's not why you're here. You're here to hear my verdict on the game's soundtrack!

Originally composed by Stewart Copeland, the music for the first three Spyro The Dragon games was magical and, at times, a little abstract. Rather than focusing on catchy melodies and hooks in the same way that platforming video games of the time were adept at, Copeland instead built the music around a few distinct tunes reworked across several different areas and focused on a more ambient feel to suit the level's environment...although that's not to say he didn't also compose some bloody catchy melodies now and then.
Unlike my three-part look at the music from the N. Sane Trilogy, I intend to write a much longer blog post looking at the overall highs and lows of all three games. In other words, a review. I'm reviewing all three rerecorded soundtracks in one post whilst also making comparisons to the original where appropriate. My main reasoning for this is that unlike the N. Sane Trilogy where the game's soundtrack needed a more in-depth look to accommodate for the various changes made to certain tunes, Toys For Bob (the trilogy's developer) have tried to remain faithful to the original sound, even going as far as to re-enlist Stewart Copeland to help with the arrangements.
So with that in mind, let's take off!

Before this game came out, I went back to the original soundtracks for all three Spyro games and had a good listen to some of my favourite tracks to remind me about what I loved so much about Copeland's score. What impressed me most was how Copeland gave each game a distinct sound whilst still retaining the feel of a game series about a spunky purple dragon travelling across magical realms on heroic adventures, starting with 1998's Spyro The Dragon. The music sounded magical yet was recorded with primarily Rock instruments; heavy bass, various guitars, pounding percussion, organs galore. Sure, there were touches of brass and strings here & there, but the highlights were often tracks with a wide-eyed sense of wonder about them (Dark Passage, Magic Crafters Home) or a bit of a punch to them (Terrace Village, Haunted Towers).
One year later and Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage (or Gateway To Glimmer depending on your region) was released. More Spyro action with even more ambitious music, containing all the same tropes from the original game whilst taking on various styles from all over the world. Starting with Glimmer, you can tell that Stewart Copeland still had plenty of creative steam left but right after that, you get levels like Colossus and Hurricos; the former utilising some neat Gregorian chanting on top of the guitar melodies whilst the latter perfectly balances heavier, mechanical sound effects on top of a simplistic background score. Each piece of music perfectly suits the level, whether it's the Arabian flair in Scorch or the bustling, futuristic sound of Metropolis.
Finally, we have Spyro: Year Of The Dragon (my personal favourite game AND soundtrack). I don't know if it was the need to make Spyro seem edgier to the 00s generation of gamers but the music definitely took on more of an Industrial tone in this game. Some of the first levels you play contain music fit for Matrix-inspired parkour videos like Cloud Spires and Molten Crater, not to mention the sharply more aggressive boss battle themes. Even the more familiar tunes like Sunny Villa and Frozen Altars have an unmistakable edge to them but as mentioned earlier, the soundtrack is still that of a Spyro game. The organs and heavy bass are still there, although they had to share the spotlight with computer-generated sound effects.

I may not have adored the music from the original Spyro trilogy but I definitely enjoyed the majority of tracks from each level (although I strongly dislike Sgt. Byrd's theme) and there were certainly some pieces of music that I would listen to on repeat where possible (Harbour Speedway, Scorch and of course, the incredible Credits theme to name a few). Listening to those pieces of music in the Reignited Trilogy was a mostly enjoyable experience although there were a couple of times where I had to flip the sound settings to "Original" instead of "Reignited" simply because I felt like Toys For Bob had completely fucked up the rerecordings. This is where my doubt about whether I liked the new music came in.
Fans of the original source material are always going to have the nostalgia factor weighing down their judgement so even though I prefer 100% of the original versions of songs I loved from the Spyro trilogy, most of the music that I was happily comfortable with but never religiously fanatic about sounds just as good (if not a bit better) in the Reignited Trilogy. Instrumentation is largely identical to the point that I was genuinely unsure if I'd left the settings on "Original" or "Reignited" a lot of the time and listening to each track in HD on YouTube whilst writing this review really does the enhanced soundtrack a lot of favours, although they still made the same mistake Vicarious Visions made with the N. Sane Trilogy in not whacking the bass up to 11 or beyond.
Every other observation about the game's soundtrack could be considered a positive or negative depending on your personal music tastes, e.g. the fact that Toys For Bob developed the trilogy as one game so the graphics, gameplay engine and soundtrack all feel the same across all three remade titles. The subtle changes in the original trilogy's soundtrack seem obvious in comparison to the differences between the rerecordings but again, this is probably only going to affect the purists who avidly listened to the original music and would gladly fork over half their paycheck to have the original collection on vinyl if that were possible.

Overall, the Reignited Trilogy's soundtrack reflects the game; newcomers will love it for its incredible charm and creativity whilst those who grew up with the originals and played them all to 337% completion repeatedly will always choose the classics over the remakes, even though they'll still enjoy the remasters a hell of a lot. If I had to rate the entire trilogy's soundtrack, I'd probably give it a 8/10 for doing the originals justice although still making a few fumbles along the way...like the Fracture Hills rerecording. I mean, it's just...the fuck were they thinking?!

Simulation Theory - Muse

Well this is a first. I'm reviewing a straight-up Pop album!

If there's one thing Muse can do with their music, it's conjure feelings of nostalgia and thoughts about how good music used to be; thoughts like "Remember when Muse used to be a Rock band?" and "Remember when Matt Bellamy's ego was in check?". Simulation Theory is the tragic return to everything that sucks about Muse after the promising dead cat bounce that was Drones. Instead of great riffs on guitar/bass, we get synth-driven toss. Instead of dynamic anthems perfect for arena gigs and radio play for an audience of hungry young Rock fans, we get electronic drumbeats and noise made on some coffee-stained hipster shit's laptop.
Looking at the positives first, album opener "Algorithm" has some decent instrumentation and kicks things off in typical grand fashion for Muse. The electronic sound of the drums, bass and string accompaniments set the tone for the rest of the album too so if you like the song, you'll probably get some joy out of the record. However, for fans who can still remember when Muse wrote songs like "Hysteria", "Supermassive Black Hole" and "Knights Of Cydonia" that actually rocked, this harbinger of the band's switch back to electronic garbage teased in The Resistance and actualised in The 2nd Law won't fill you with any hope.
That's probably the biggest flaw with the album. You can argue that Muse not writing Rock songs is good or bad and that their reliance on 80s nostalgia (right down to the album cover that's more on-the-nose than an army of blackheads) helps or hinders the record but even if you choose the pessimistic route with both of those opinions, you must accept both of these things can work if the music is good and serves a decent purpose. The music and lyrics about hope and fighting back against arseholes in power are supposed to be inspiring for the millions unhappy with the current system but here's the kicker; they fuckin' ain't. A stadium Rock band releasing mainstream Pop is as inspirational as a series of flatlines in a coma ward.

The majority of tracks either resemble a dystopian Sci-Fi's cynical pastiche of what "future music" should sound like or the incidental score of a film/TV show desperate to remind people that 1980s synth music existed. However, there are some positive aspects. "Pressure" is the token fun song with catchy guitar riffs and vocal melodies, much like "Panic Station" on The 2nd Law (which was also the third track on that album too; totally not coordinated at all) and even some of the mediocre or annoying tracks contain elements that could've worked if used properly, like the gritty slide guitar riffs in the laughable Herbie Hancock nightmare "Propaganda".
Muse have acknowledged that this album was heavily inspired by music from the 80s so the Depeche Mode drumbeats ("Blockades") and John Carpenter synth ("The Void") are present without any attempt to mask them. It's admirable that Muse at least attempted to make the material sound unique to them instead of just flat-out copying another band's style but they would've been better off continuing in the direction they were headed with Drones or, at the very least, blending the 80s Pop aspects with heavier Rock ones. Instead, they end up sounding like Coldplay ("Thought Contagion") and Indie Pop bands found exclusively on the iPhone of an Instagram celebrity ("Something Human").
I rate the album 2/10. It doesn't inspire you to rise up against fascism (and if it does, where the fuck have you been for the last two years?!), it contains a collection of music that fails to stick with you unless you love electronic Pop, it sounds like Matt Bellamy regurgitating the same old lyrical shit he's been peddling for over a decade and it does 80s Pop music a disservice by dissecting it for the sole purpose of stapling the still-twitching parts to modern wank like a Frankenstein's monster you actually want to be burnt alive. Regardless of which way you shake it, Simulation Theory is a complete failure.

Post-Apocalypto - Tenacious D

What's this? I'm posting a blog post at the START of the month instead of three days before the end of it when I'm knackered and almost passing out, frantically trying to think of one more thing to include in a Here Is The News post before I go to bed? That's right, because people who leave things to the last minute always suffer as a result and speaking of leaving things too late...

From this album's announcement to its eventual release, I've been worried about Post-Apocalypto. The album cover is fucking awful, the track-listing looked like a worse version of the debut containing more minute-long snippets than actual fleshed out songs like Rize Of The Fenix and let's face it, concept albums are rarely ever a good thing. With each week, we were "treated" to an episode of Tenacious D's hit & miss web series containing skits and music included on the album but none of it filled me with anticipation. Today, the album was finally released and my God, it is absolutely terrible. It is a piece of shit and if you've never heard any Tenacious D before, you owe it to yourself to avoid this album like the fucking plague.
For starters, the album opener and (I guess) title track "POST-APOCALYPTO THEME" is a 37 second repurposed riff that was originally written for "Rize Of The Fenix" only to be scrapped in favour of a much better verse/chorus structure. That's how they're opening their fourth album; scraps off the cutting room floor that they couldn't even be bothered to turn into a full song. From here, it only gets worse. The concept album dealing with a nuclear holocaust caused by Trump is 50% dialogue excerpts and 50% songs both from the YouTube series, each track having an average length of about 90 seconds. The entire length of the album is just over half an hour, about two minutes longer than Reign In Blood - Slayer.
Tenacious D's last album came out in 2012, six years ago. This album took them six years to make, just let that sink in for a bit. Six years for a rehashed title track and half an hour of mildly amusing comedy taken from about 76 minutes of much funnier material in the YouTube series. You can't even claim that they needed extra time to animate the YouTube shorts because they're largely based around still images knocked up in Microsoft Paint. It's the equivalent of having the entire summer holiday to complete a school project only to realise that you've left it until the day before term time begins to do anything, forcing you to ask your parents to do it all with you...or in this case, Dave Grohl.

Despite each song being written by Jack Black and Kyle Gass, many tunes sound like terrible Foo Fighters filler tracks with their slower tempos and dull, uninspired riffs ("TAKE US INTO SPACE", "WOMAN TIME") and the ones that do sound more like Tenacious D songs are generally piss poor. The lyrical themes are trite without the humour to carry it off ("COLORS", "ROBOT") and the few tracks that contain promising riffs or have a couple of funny lyrics are either too short or not strong enough to redeem the rest of the album ("DADDY DING DONG", "MAKING LOVE"). However, even the better songs have fatal flaws in the grand scheme of things.
Concept albums with a narrative, like this one, should have exactly that; a narrative. If you haven't watched the YouTube series from start to finish, I think you'd genuinely struggle to understand a lot of what was happening. The overall plot is there but there are large gaps that have to be filled in by a knowledge of the YouTube series. When I discussed the previous three Tenacious D albums on the blog last year, I claimed that the music on The Pick Of Destiny doesn't carry enough of the film's story for you to understand everything that's happening but the main difference between The Pick Of Destiny and Post-Apocalypto is that The Pick Of Destiny is more of a soundtrack to the film; there aren't tracks on that album dedicated to the narrative, it's all just music. Here, the album is expected to tell a story but utterly fails.
Instead, we get a few previews of dialogue taken directly from the YouTube series that often aren't as funny due to jokes being edited down and context being completely absent, featuring multiple different characters all seemingly voiced by Jack Black. It might have been better if they could've got some other voice actors involved (Hell, even Kage would've done) but at least the scientist and Terminator voices were fun. I also approve of the band firmly stating their political policy, although all being anti-Trump does is confirm that you're not a complete cunt. Pointing out that the guy's going to get a lot of people killed with his stupidity isn't anything new or original, it's like dedicating an entire album to the idea that we're made up of bones.

If I had to describe Post-Apocalypto in a word, it'd be Lazy. They phoned in the music, they phoned in the story (notice how the ending to both the YouTube series and the album are fuckawful), they phoned in the artwork and they made us wait half a fucking decade for it. It's a bad album and a weak concept album that could've been improved if it contained a story about Tenacious D journeying across a post-apocalyptic wasteland with songs about everything that could potentially cause an extinction level event; a song about aliens, a song about global warming, a song about nukes, a song about war, a song about volcanic eruptions, a song about overpopulation tied into having lots of unprotected sex, I mean JESUS this shit should write itself!
I rate the album 3/10 and that's me being generous. The band still play properly and I didn't hate every second of it. The fact that a couple of lines made me smile now and then have earned it an extra point but honestly, this could still be one of the worst albums I've ever listened to. It may only be 30 minutes long but those 30 minutes could be spend watching an episode of a sitcom or reading a comic book or having a difficult fucking wank, anything other than listening to Post-Apocalypto. I also wouldn't recommend seeing Tenacious D live if it's going to be an acoustic gig, as you know they'll be playing the shite off this album on their next tour.
It might be entertaining with the whole band if they try to tell a story on stage (and the band definitely put on a hell of a performance when it's more than just Jables and Kage) but seriously, it pains me to say that The D screwed up. Oh well, we can always enjoy their fifth album in 2023 that will probably be a return to form in an attempt to win back favour with everyone who wanted this Comedy Rock band to release Comedy Rock.