Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 2

I hope you enjoyed part one of the news update for this year.
Better buckle up for part two!

VAN HALEN CONTINUE TO SLOWLY VANISH FROM EXISTENCE

Hard Rock icons Van Halen are beginning to fade away from reality, starting with guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Scientists aren't certain why but they have calculated that if something isn't done soon, all traces of Van Halen will have completely vanished without a trace within the next four years.

The strange phenomenon is believed to have begun many years ago but it only became apparent when Eddie Van Halen was asked to take a photograph of a Tool fan at one of their concerts. It was strange enough when the fan didn't recognise one of the greatest living guitarists of all time but things became truly bizarre after a second photo was taken of Eddie at the show. Whilst the photo came out perfectly normal on the night, weeks later the image of Eddie had begun to fade until he was completely invisible.

The rest of the band were unavailable for comment, presumably due to fading away shortly after Eddie. This was confirmed after a television appearance by Pop star and Baskin Robbins Flavour Of The Month, Billie Eilish, on Jimmy Kimmel's chat show. When asked about her opinion on the 80s Hard Rockers, Billie had no recollection of the band's existence at all. Naturally, audience members were shocked as her knowledge gap clearly wasn't due to her age and lack of interest in the genre of music; it must've been something more sinister.

Whilst pictures and evidence of Sammy Hagar's stint with the band seem unaffected by the temporal anomaly, all evidence of the band's golden years with David Lee Roth are slowly being erased. Fans believe David Lee Roth was aware of this as one of the last things he publicly said before disappearing was that he believed Van Halen were "finished". After some digging, Internet conspiracy theorists believe the answer lies in how guitarist Eddie Van Halen frequently used to put a guitar pick made of plutonium in his mouth during gigs, although all evidence of this has since been erased from the timeline.

Quantum physicist Dr. Emmett Brown stated "This wouldn't be the first time someone has meddled with the timeline and caused disastrous results. With the band vanishing from our reality, there's no telling what the outcome might be; future bands inspired by Van Halen could vanish, films using the song "Jump" could be forced to use some other kind of inspiring 80s anthem, it could be catastrophic. This is pretty heavy indeed".

NITA STRAUSS IS A WOMAN

Nita Strauss, solo artist and guitarist for Alice Cooper, is a woman who can actually play guitar. This revelation has come as a surprise to many fans of Rock and Metal who spent their entire lives believing women were incapable of producing anything other than babies, let alone top quality riffs and face melting solos. However, Nita Strauss has led the charge in reminding people that woman have fingers.

In a recent television interview promoting her second solo album and brand new signature guitar, Nita (pictured left) commented once again on how happy she is to be doing something for women all over the world. "It's so great to be inspiring women to play guitar and write Rock music. Women like me can do anything we put our minds to and I think it's important that people look at me and see that you don't have to be a man to play guitar; you can also be a blond, attractive woman too". Nita echoed her sentiments on several radio appearances that followed where she repeatedly stated that she's "not just a pretty face" but also someone "who grew up with Rock music from an early age" before naming every single chord and note she can play on the guitar.

Nita has also launched her own YouTube channel called Nita Talks where she posts weekly videos about the struggles of being the only woman in Rock/Metal who can play guitar and talk about how tough it is being the only woman in Rock/Metal. Her videos have received praise from band members, peers and Rock/Metal fans all over the world, calling them "eye-opening" and "much needed in this time of gender stereotype uncertainty".

Aside from being the only woman in all of recorded history to play guitar for a Rock band, Nita Strauss has also demonstrated that it's possible to be a female musician and have other interests too. Nita has championed campaigns related to health & fitness as well as encouraging young generations of men (and women!) to pick up musical instruments. "It's important to show people how talented you are" she stated after being asked about her opinion on climate change.

Nita Strauss is currently on tour with Alice Cooper and will be widely promoting her solo albums at intimate venues across America. She's also expected to be giving a talk about how great it is to hear women following her lead and getting into recording Rock/Metal music in an upcoming public appearance (the appearance is a corporate awards show for cutlery manufacturers but it's expected that she'll give the talk regardless).

ROYAL BLOOD CRUISE DOESN'T GO AS PLANNED

Once beloved Rock band Royal Blood have suffered another catastrophic blow to their popularity after a cruise trip planned for themselves and fans went disastrously wrong. Much like many other Rock and for some reason Metal bands at the moment, Royal Blood decided to invite their most wealthy fans to party with them on a cruise ship for a week. However, nobody could have foreseen what happened next.

After partnering with Royal Caribbean Cruises, Royal Blood sold tickets for the Royal Blood Royal Cruise at the end of last year, thinking it would show the world that they weren't just lucky when they released their debut album several years ago. The cruise (affectionately known as the band's Royal Baby) was meant to be an opportunity for both the band and fans to have a great time with sun, sea and simplistic bass melodies made to sound like heavier Rock songs. Things were going well for the first couple of days but problems began after the ship's crew realised they didn't have enough fuel to last the entire journey.

Not long after setting off, Royal Blood were dead in the water. Since most of the fans and record producers aboard the cruise had eaten most of the free shrimp and drunk most of the alcohol the band supplied, passengers had to reuse a lot of old food and drink to keep themselves from becoming dehydrated. Unfortunately, there's only so long you can provide the same material before fans demand something new and exciting to prevent them from losing interest or, in this case, dying.

After trying to recreate the fuel that initially powered the ship from expensive clothing from the record producers and a bunch of cash lying about, it became clear that Royal Blood (pictured right) would have to do more to get the ship moving again, hence the band's plea online for suggestions to give the ship some life again. After checking their Royal Mail, Royal Blood found several helpful suggestions from their fans at home, collectively known as the Royal Family. One of which was to just do the same thing they did when getting fuel in the first place, which was just enough to get them moving again.

After a gruelling three weeks, the Royal Blood Royal Cruise arrived back home with half as many passengers and a smell that would take months of intense cleaning to get the ship back to normal again. When asked about whether the band would attempt anything like this again, Royal Blood's spokesperson stated "The future is uncertain for Royal Blood but one thing we do know is that this cruise was an absolute Royal Fuckup".

DETECTIVE STUMPED BY STRING OF RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS MYSTERIES

A Private Eye tasked with investigating all the latest decisions made by popular Rock bands has had to throw in the towel after revealing that he's absolutely stumped by the recent actions of Alternative Funk rockers Red Hot Chili Peppers. Detective Ryan Shmuckers was hired by a Kickstarter campaign to identify what the band were playing at but has sadly revealed that he's made no progress in the two years since he was hired.

Detective Shmuckers was first hired in 2017 to investigate why a Rock band from America would choose to hire a Pop producer (Danger Mouse, pictured left) to help create their 11th studio album. Ryan posted on his work Tumblr account that after looking into how the band's last album before The Getaway was met with mixed to negative responses, he just couldn't figure out why a Rock band would want someone known for producing commercially successful Pop albums to work with them over 30 years after they first started making Rock music. He described the case as "quite possibly unsolvable by even the greatest detectives of our time".

Shmuckers was also asked to investigate similar cases as to why bands with integrity like Foo Fighters and Queens Of The Stone Age would ask well known Pop producers to make their albums. "It's almost as if there's something a Pop music producer can bring to the table when it comes to releasing records that a typical Rock producer might not be able to provide as much. Some kind of significant factor when it comes to making music nowadays...but I can't for the life of me figure out what".

Much like the average person after listening to "Uptown Funk", the plot became even thicker after it was recently announced that guitarist John Frusciante was returning to the band. Detective Shmuckers looked into why the guitarist who previously left the band would want to return after the success of The Getaway two years ago. "It seems as though the same missing ingredient that explains why these modern Rock bands are getting Pop producers holds the key behind John's return. If only I or anyone else could figure out what that is".

Detective Shmuckers is going to keep looking into this for a few more months before deciding whether he should hand over the case to someone more talented. However, if Ryan Shmuckers can't find the connection between bands with dwindling popularity and the same bands hiring Pop producers who are known for making music that gets a lot of radio play, he just might bust this thing wide open.

TOP "TOP 10 ALBUMS OF THE 2010S" LISTS REVEALED

Now that we've reached the end of the 2010s, it's time for the most important piece of cultural preservation since the surge in time capsules at the start of the new millennium: Top 10 Albums Of The 2010s lists. Naturally, everyone has an opinion on which albums were better than others and thanks to the convenience of digital distribution, everyone has to read them whether they like it or not.

The list contains all the standard music websites from the pretentious choices of Pitchfork to the irrelevant opinions of Rolling Stone but there are still a few surprises in there, such as the contrarian ramblings of some Indie music blogs and totally unbiased & well thought out views of Metal forums. Whilst the list doesn't contain any numeric ranking of superiority, presumably to avoid offending people by suggesting the sound waves they get emotional pleasure out of aren't as good as others, it would appear that the lists at the start and end are regarded as the best due to the detail given to their descriptions.

Albums selected in each of these lists range from contemporary Pop to edgy contemporary Pop with some Hip Hop scattered about to show readers how forward thinking and open to different musical genres the list's authors are. Naturally Kanye West and David Bowie are in the list because smart people listen to those albums and it's important for readers to know how smart the writers are but that's not all. There's also Taylor Swift, Adele and Lana Del Rey because the best thing about music is everyone has to agree on what's considered good; in this case, it's depressing piano-driven dirge from physically attractive yet inexplicably romantically unhappy women.

Once again, Rock and Metal music is absent from the majority of lists apart from a few joyless experiences that happen to feature guitar such as whatever Arcade Fire shat out near the start of the decade. However, a few specialist websites decided to focus on Top Rock Albums when compiling their lists. Not only that but they decided to cast the net so wide with their selection that utter shite released throughout the 2010s like Rock Or Bust - AC/DC and ...Like Clockwork - Queens Of The Stone Age made the cut over records that weren't tired or full of themselves.

Regardless of what some trendy tosspot or opinionated blogger thinks, the important thing is that listeners continue to support the things they get joy from and express negative thoughts about overrated material in a way that doesn't sound like them getting mad for the sake of it. To anyone out there thinking of making their own lists, I wish you good luck and a gentle reminder that just because you really liked something you heard in the last couple of years, that doesn't mean it's as good as something released in 2012...unless it's Prequelle - Ghost.


That's all for this blog for the year and indeed decade! I'll be back in January with some posts about stuff from 2019 and maybe a couple of random bits & bobs too.
Until then, have a Happy New Year!

Here Is The News: 2019 Edition, part 1

It's been a while since I brought you guys a fresh, hot heaping of the music news so to make up for it, I've got a whole bunch of stories consisting of highlights from the past year. Some may be a little fresher than others but that's totally not because I wrote this all over a couple of days towards the end of the year. No, this is a proper news anthology!
Anyway, because there are so many stories to collect, I've split them across a couple of blog posts to make it easier to read (and for me to write). Here's the first; enjoy!

OZZY OSBOURNE OFFERS "MYSTERY BOX" TICKETS FOR UPCOMING TOUR

Heavy Metal revenant Ozzy Osbourne has recently announced not only a brand new album and supporting tour consisting of new and "Crazy Train" inspired material but also an exclusive style of tickets known as "Mystery Box" tickets to replace the standard kind offered with 99% of other gigs.

The new ticket system was announced shortly after Ozzy (pictured left) got his 10th entry stamp punched at Birmingham City Hospital, earning him a free colonoscopy with the purchase of anything from the gift shop. According to his website, the Mystery Box ticket entitles you to "admission to an upcoming Ozzy Osbourne show where the contents of said box will be revealed an hour before the show is scheduled to start". The box could contain a vacuum cleaner, a holiday abroad or even an Ozzy Osbourne show, but fans won't know until shortly before the date of the concert.

When asked why the Mystery Box system was implemented in favour of a more traditional system where you buy a ticket and go to see a show, Ozzy Osbourne's doctor and interim tour manager replied "Ozzy's health has to come first. At this point in time, he's in no condition to be standing on stage shouting "Come ooooon!" and "Go fucking crazyyyyyyy!" for 90 minutes". He went on to say that once Ozzy's fully recovered, he'll be able to leave the hospital and play as many shows as he can before returning to the ward.

Band succubus/manager Sharon Osbourne issued a press  release stating "Ozzy cannot wait to get back on the road again. There's nothing this 71-year old wants more than to travel all over the planet with younger and hairier musicians rambling his way through all the same songs he's been performing for decades" shortly before having to retreat into her stasis chamber in time to avoid the sunlight. The following evening, she went on to cackle Mystery Box tickets are non-refundable and that the box not containing an Ozzy Osbourne show is a risk people who purchase Ozzy Osbourne tickets on this current tour have to take (as stated in the terms and conditions printed on the underside of the box).

Whilst the Rock & Metal community are all wishing Ozzy a speedy recovery, many spectators are beginning to doubt that Ozzy will ever play a proper show again. Dr. Richard Mayhew, ageing musician specialist, recently claimed "All those years of being rad have finally caught up with him. I'd be surprised if he makes it to the end of this sentence, let alone decade". Whatever happens, at least Ozzy's still making money which will almost certainly go towards an incredible headstone.

WARM-UP ROCK BAND BREAKS UNWRITTEN RULE

An up & coming Rock band called Kiss The Fist have shocked audience members at their latest gig by neglecting to play a slow Bluesy number in the middle of their set. Instead of slowing down the entire pace of the evening, they continued to play enjoyable Rock music to the horror of everyone attending the show.

The UK band were warming up for Collective Soul (not pictured left) with a series of energetic Hard Rock tracks, each containing catchy riffs and well crafted solos. However, after three songs and scattered applause, the band continued with another heavy riff-based Rock number in favour of a slow-tempo smokey B-side. Initially, fans weren't bothered as nobody knew the exact setlist of the gig, not even the bassist. Panic among the crowd only set in after Kiss The Fist (possibly picture left) exited the stage, making it painfully clear that the band had no intentional of bringing the lively atmosphere down with a tepid Blues track at all.

Audience members were outraged, some tweeting "Uhhhh, where's the unnecessary Blues Rock song, guys?" and "I CAN'T BELIEVE  I PAID GOOD MONEY NOT TO HEAR A 5 MINUTE BLUES TRACK! I DEMAND A REFUND AND AN #APOLOGY" but most others showed more restraint and a better understanding of how to use hashtags.

When asked about the evening, Collective Soul vocalist Derek Soul (pictured somewhere) stated "I had no idea they were going to pull such an offensive stunt. Everyone knows that the lengthy Blues Rock song on the warm-up band's setlist is there for a reason. When else are people going to casually talk among themselves or go for a pint & a piss? We apologise to everyone who attended the show and hope this doesn't dissuade you from remembering our stuff from the 90s like "Heavy" and "Shine"". Derek went on to mention "Gel" too.

Kiss The Fist have been unavailable for comment but sources close to the band believe the Blues Rock filler was omitted due to time constraints and what can only be described as "a fundamental lack of having a Blues song in their discography". As for whether this excuse will stand up, only time and Wikipedia will tell.

WORLD'S FIRST PROCEDURALLY GENERATED ROCK BAND CREATED; MUSE OUTRAGED

Computer programmers and musical scientists have joined together to create the first artificial intelligence capable of writing and playing Rock music to an acceptable degree of quality. Developed over the course of eight years by leading scientists and musical theorists, Artificial Interface Capable Of Making Rock Music (or AICOMRM for short) was unveiled to a crowd of tech and music journalists approximately four hours before one of the programmers thought of a much better acronym.

According to cynical but invested bloggers, the aim of AICOMRM is to "expand the human understanding of awesome Rock songs in a needlessly expensive and probably self-destructive way". However, according to the developers, AICOMRM will give humans insight into undiscovered melodies and help expand creativity by giving us all the answers before we can discover them ourselves. Whilst many trendy intellectuals are excited by this breakthrough, some refuse to be as happy.

Composers of the Impending Apocalypse and occasional Rock band Muse are among those who are both alarmed and infuriated by the invention of AICOMRM. When asked about their stance on procedurally generated Rock music, frontman Matt Bellamy replied "I hate it. It's so insulting that people are giving so much attention to artificial Rock music now when we've been making it for over a decade. When an algorithm generates simplistic, uninteresting guitar riffs that sort of sound like existing Rock riffs and a bunch of noisy synth shit over the top, everyone goes crazy but when we do it, the Internet can't bitch quick enough".

Matt Bellamy (pictured right and centre) went on to say that in their quest to experiment and push artistic boundaries, Muse opted to release procedurally generated music instead of traditionally crafted Rock songs for their 2009 album The Resistance. Despite being met with criticism, Muse decided to continue this trend with the albums The 2nd Law, Drones and Simulation Theory, allowing them to focus their creative efforts on elaborate stage shows and building various robots designed to bring things to Matt Bellamy such as guitars and blunderbusses.

AICOMRM is expected to release its first album within the next year and Muse are expected to boycott it. It's unknown whether it will rebel against its creators and decide to exterminate all Rock music off the face of the planet like the way these things usually go but bookies are currently operating 5-1 odds on "We're all doomed". When asked about his thoughts on the future of mankind after the invention of AICOMRM, Matt Bellamy commented "I have absolutely no opinion on this".

[INSERT BAND HERE] UNHAPPY ABOUT [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'S USE OF THEIR MUSIC

Once again, [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] has used a song from the 1970s in one of their campaign videos or tours and yep, you guessed it, the band whose song it is aren't happy in the slightest. No sir, they definitely aren't peachy about this one. Hoo boy, this sure is one humdinger of a situation right here.

The [INSERT BAND HERE] song was something to do with adversity or not giving up or maybe even something about being powerful and (get this, right?) it transpires that the political party of [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] didn't actually clear the use of the song with [INSERT BAND HERE] first. They just went ahead and used it to further their own political party. Can you imagine that?! This isn't the first time this has happened either, it's a right catastrophe! There's no way for anyone to prevent something like this happening at all. Nope, absolutely nothing anyone can do...or is there?

[INSERT BAND HERE] have taken strong steps to ensure a horrific crime of art and selfishness like this never happens again. [INSERT BAND HERE] have written an incredibly strongly worded letter to [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] along with a statement on their official Facebook page condemning the use of [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] in [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE]'s rally.

The statement reads "We, the members of [INSERT BAND HERE] did not approve of or grant permission for [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] to use our song, [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE], during their latest political rally. We do not agree with his politics and do not wish for our music to be associated with him or his political party. We ask that [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] refrains from using [INSERT APPROPRIATE SIGNATURE SONG HERE] or any other songs we've released during the course of their political career or we will be forced to take further action in the form of yet another strongly worded letter and overly formal statement on our social media page".

As for whether [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] will take any notice of this, it's literally impossible to tell right now. There is no way of knowing if [INSERT POLITICIAN HERE] or indeed any other politician will use an unlicensed song by [INSERT BAND HERE] or any other 1970s band as they enter the stage during one of their political rallies, an online political video or [INSERT HILARIOUS THIRD OPTION HERE].

MOTLEY CRUE ATTEMPT WORLD RECORD FOR LONGEST SUSTAINED PERIOD OF MASTURBATION

80s Hair Metal legends Motley Crue are about to enter the fifth consecutive year of collectively masturbating without any sign of actually ejaculating in the foreseeable future. The band begun their prolonged act of self-copulation in January 2014 after announcing that they would embark on a year-long farewell tour in 2015.

The band continued to publicly touch themselves by holding a press conference whereby they took part in a "cessation of touring" agreement, resulting in the formation of a legally binding contract that would prevent any and all of them from touring past the year 2015 under the name Motley Crue. After finishing their Final Tour at the end of 2015, many fans and music journalists assumed the band would finally shoot their load and disappear into the night to wash their hands and fall asleep like most people do after firing their loads. However, after appearing in radio interviews and some minor TV appearances, members of the band went on to confirm that a biopic based on the band's group autobiography "The Dirt" was in the works, suggesting that the band had no intention of releasing their gurt just yet.

"The Dirt" was released to moderate acclaim in March 2019, along with some newly recorded material by the band still vigorously flogging their dolphins for the fourth year running. When asked about whether this had any impact on the Motley Crue's brief but sudden increase in popularity around the start of the year, none of the band could comment as they were all too busy sniffing wads of cash to help sustain their bruised and blistered erections.

Regardless of whether it was due to the biopic or not, Motley Crue showed no signs of entering the vinegar strokes any time soon after they announced that they were just mucking about when they all signed a legally binding cessation of touring contract. Whilst some fans were unhappy about how much of a big deal the band made over something that turned out to just be part of their masturbation ceremony, many have shown support for Motley Crue over their ability to hold back what has to be an incredibly painful nut at this stage.

To prepare for a 2020 tour with Def Leppard and presumably at least another 12 months of intense onanism, members of the band are taking certain safety precautions such as Vince Neil (pictured above) who recently entered the hospital for hand surgery (No, I'm being serious this time. That's legitimately the reason why he went into hospital, you can fact check it and everything. I mean, this article practically wrote itself after that nugget of news hit the Internet).


That's all for part one! Stay tuned for part two sometime before the end of this decade!

Ghost - The Ultimate Tour Named Death

Sorry this has taken so long but as I often do after seeing a gig, I thought I'd write up my experience after attending a Ghost concert. I saw Ghost at the First Direct Arena in Leeds on November 23rd so more than enough time has passed for me to mull over the night and dwell on opinions I may have held right after seeing them perform.
First of all, let's discuss the warm up bands.

The first band to hit the stage were Tribulation, a Swedish Heavy Metal band with Gothic elements and a very similar aesthetic to the headliners in regards to stage design. Admittedly, I was pretty excited after hearing them for the first time. They kicked things off with a song called "Nightbound" which has some strong riffs and a good rhythm. Not only that but the band seemed pretty damn entertaining; the green floodlights cast haunting shadows of the band against the venue's walls and the lead guitarist was dancing around the stage without missing a single beat. These guys seemed like a worthy warm up band!
Then the vocalist opened his fucking mouth.
Oh.
...oh no.
He's a growler.
Every single track was delivered with a Death Metal growl, ruining many songs that could've been salvaged with a vocalist who could actually sing. Don't get me wrong, guttural growling is a talent if done properly (which it was). However, it's also good to showcase more than one pitch when singing. It also got a little ridiculous when the vocalist started talking to the audience in exactly the same growling voice. However, terrible vocals aside, the band had personality and their music seemed perfect for a Ghost gig.
Once again, the guitarist was the life of the party and I'd recommend watching some videos of this band performing live just so you can seem them prancing about as they play. I don't recommend the band until they shitcan the growling vocal style in favour of one more melodic but at least the evening started off OK.
Then the second warm-up band came on.
Oh.
...oh fuck no.

The second warm-up band were All Them Witches, an American Stoner Metal band that were pretty damn minimalist in comparison to Tribulation. They started playing "Funeral For A Great Drunken Bird" and I'm pretty sure they were still playing it about 35 minutes later on account of all their songs sounding exactly the fucking same. The same droning guitar, the same dull percussion, the same nonsensical lyrics and boring vocals. They also had absolutely no stage presence, often remaining rooted to the same spot where they stood for the entire gig.
Fortunately, there were some positives. The guitarist broke into some semi-decent shreddy solos towards the end of their set so they're somewhat technically proficient. However, it was all at the service of a completely forgettable, tiresome jam that apparently contained eight different songs. I would not recommend this band at all. Maybe their studio work is decent and maybe they're all genuinely cool guys but the impression I got from their show was that they're pretentious and tedious without being talented enough as a team to justify it. Ghost should've had this band come on first followed by Tribulation, as that would've been the more appropriate progression of talent.
As you can imagine, my experience so far had been pretty weak. Both bands had added to my belief that modern bands pick shit warm-up acts and I was already feeling pretty tired. It's also a bit of a red flag when bands pick more than one warm-up act, as it suggests they're either totally full of themselves or shit. I'd heard Ghost put on utterly incredible shows live so my expectations were already starting to seem poorly judged.
Then Ghost came on.
Oh.
...oh?
They were fucking amazing.

Ghost played a set of twenty songs over two hours and I can honestly say I wish they'd played more. From "Rats" at the start to "Square Hammer" at the end, they were electrifying. I actually recorded footage from their opening song and listening to it again several days after seeing them, I was still shocked at how similar it sounded to the studio recording. After the anonymous band of ghouls got the crowd on their feet with roaring riffs, the frontman Tobias Forge sauntered to the front to address his congregation. A while ago, someone asked me if there's ever been a frontman as charismatic as Freddie Mercury and whilst I didn't have an answer at the time, I fucking do now!
Tobias really knows how to work a crowd. He can flawlessly perform each track he single-handedly wrote and recorded but his movement across the stage and interactions with each band member are what really makes him stand out. There were many moments where he'd engage in some back & forth with one of the guitarists without altering the performance of the song or making it feel rehearsed in any way; each movement felt organic and mystifying to watch. As for banter in between songs, Tobias didn't disappoint there either. His on-stage persona has the perfect blend of humour and flamboyance without getting too sucked into himself like some Heavy Metal frontmen can often do.
As for the music? What do you want me to say, it was perfect. Absolutely perfect. The band nailed the material off Prequelle (what I was there to hear) and managed to enhance their older material to the point where studio recordings don't quite cut it for me anymore. Ghost put on quite possibly the greatest live show I've ever seen (either that or an incredibly close second) and if you can get tickets to see them, I strongly recommend it. Tobias is working on a new album and if that's as good as Prequelle, you'd be a fool to miss out on the chance to see them live. It would seem my "astronomically high" expectations I held were worth it in the end, although it is a shame they didn't pick better warm-up acts. Maybe Tobias intentionally chose shitty ones to make his band sound better by comparison, although that would be kinda dickish. Besides, I would strongly doubt that Tobias is the kind of musician to screw over the little guy.
Then I found out about the lawsuits.
Oh.
...ah well, they still kicked ass.

Boneshaker - Airbourne

Looks like it's time for another album review! Continuing with the Hard Rock genre, we have the next album from Australian riff-recyclers, Airbourne!

Before I start this review, I should begin by explaining my main problem with their last album (Breakin' Outta Hell). It was an OK Hard Rock album but only if you listened to random tracks now and then as opposed to the whole collection as an album. I liked some of the songs off it but would only recommend buying those tracks instead of the album. Fortunately, it's a much better situation with Boneshaker. It's a collection of great songs that function as individual tracks or a complete album. Sadly one of the worst tracks is the album opener, title track and lead single, "Boneshaker".
It has a dull riff, a plodding rhythm and whilst there are some solid vocal sections to get the crowds pumped up at gigs, it all feels a bit stale. Luckily, with the bar set so low on the first track, the rest of the album successfully delivers a healthy amount of musical aggression and energy instead of slumping back into the safe foot-tapping Hard Rock that usually plagues Airbourne albums. Granted there are a few songs that slow things down or seek comfort in the familiar, such as tongue-in-cheek rocker "Backseat Boogie" and bog-standard filler track "She Gives Me Hell" (the latter seemingly inspired by the band's earlier material, which is always welcome in Rock if done right), but they're few and far between.
The other album letdown is the album closer, "Rock 'N' Roll For Life". It's a fast, frenzied love letter to Rock music although even that drops the ball by containing a weak mix and coming after a much better song to end the album. However, it's still as memorable than any of the bland, basic 4/4 120-130 BPM songs that the band used to love to write. The faster, more energetic songs on the album make decent background music if you're driving or doing housework but since the band have already given us four albums of plodding riffs and rhythms, it's good to finally get one that stands out. The album cover, name and title track all suggested they were ready to do exactly the same thing again and release yet another dull album with a few exciting tracks, especially since frontman Joel O'Keeffe has acknowledged that this album didn't take as long to write as previous ones. Thankfully, it's not just Airbourne being Airbourne.

If I had to single out the biggest change, it wouldn't be the increase in faster tracks; it'd be the decision to try something new. Airbourne have never really taken themselves seriously with their music but there's something about some of these songs that just seem a bit more thought out than others. When I first read the tracklist, I thought it read less like a Spinal Tap record despite some exceptions ("Sex To Go"). I'm not saying the band have to abandon their sillier side to be more respectable but when you're listening to a song with multiple musical sections and lyrics such as "One nation under a nuclear sun now lays rotting above caves of steel, rivers of fire, we await the creatures who walk beneath us", it proves the band still have some desire to try new things. I would expect that kind of willingness to adapt whilst still retaining what makes you great from The Darkness, not Airbourne.
Thankfully, it's not the only highlight. The band have been influenced by the right sources, as some of the many belters have echoes of Heavy Metal bands such as Megadeth and classics such as AC/DC about them ("This Is Our City" and "Blood In The Water", respectively). I'll admit that AC/DC is an easy comparison to make but in the same way Rush and Triumph are often compared for being Hard/Prog Rock power trios from Canada, you won't find a better band to compare AC/DC to than an Australian Hard Rock group who are making a career out of releasing similar albums over and over again.
However, the main difference between AC/DC and Airbourne is that AC/DC usually screwed up when trying to play something that wasn't in their stronger skillset, meaning they'd often revert back to what they could do properly. Airbourne sound like they're ready to take things further one step at a time, which is just as well as their first album came out 12 years ago. This album has plenty of fun songs like "Switchblade Angel", a track with a unique solo (compared to other Airbourne songs) and a short length so as not to outstay its welcome. It's still Airbourne but it's not a carbon copy of 60% of their previous material. It's not as anthemic as the title track but it doesn't have to be; it's a great song and it sounds like it belongs on this album, if only to give listeners something short and sweet to enjoy before the meatier tracks.

Overall, Boneshaker will probably please fans of Hard Rock who want to stick this album on whilst occupying themselves with odd jobs around the house. They toned down the songs about sex and amplified ones inspired by aggression or power like literally everything about the album suggested before you listened to it. If it was advertised as a vastly different Airbourne album, I would've been a bit more sceptical and probably criticised it for not delivering on something the band are only starting to get better at.
Instead, it feels like they (or the record label/producer, probably) wanted to make people think it was something the band have already given us so the changes come as a pleasant surprise, so I give it a 7/10. It's pretty good, I didn't strongly love any of the songs but I liked listening to quite a few of them. Buy this album if you haven't listened to any of Airbourne's previous albums and just want more great Rock. Listen to the album if you like the band/genre and purchase the songs you really like individually. I imagine a tour promoting this album would be worth getting tickets for, as Airbourne strike me as a band who really bring the thunder live and have only just forged a bottle capable of holding it in the studio.
Maybe album number six will be the one where they take a more confident step forward with the asskicking...but I'll probably be fine if it's the same as this one.

The Cult - A Sonic Temple Tour

That's right, another blog post so soon after the last one!
This time, a short write-up of my experience seeing The Cult live at the O2 Arena in Leeds on Sunday 20th October. The last time I saw a gig was Blue Oyster Cult in February which, despite high hopes, was kind of a letdown. Fortunately, The Cult put on a fantastic show which might be great from a viewing perspective but kind of screws me from a "making a joke about bad live experiences based around the word 'Cult'" one.

The warm-up act for the evening were a small band called Piston. They put on an entertaining show full of riff-based-rockers that may or may not have been subconsciously lifted from deep cuts from bigger Rock bands (I swear their song "Rainmaker" uses the exact same riff as "Nervous Shakedown" - AC/DC). Despite boasting a healthy collection of their own fast paced Rock songs and an engaging stage presence to match their energetic music, one of the highlights of their performance was probably their Rock cover of "Proud Mary", sounding like a heavier rendition of the Ike And Tina version.
Based on the glimpse into the band I got during their time warming up for The Cult, I'd recommend Piston to those who aren't aware of them and to those who are, I'd like to offer my congratulations on knowing these guys before me. Check them out, they have a self-titled album out and if you like bands/artists such as The Answer, Slash and (obviously) The Cult, you'll probably get some pleasure out of a bunch of their material. It's not incredible but for a debut album, it does a good job of introducing their abilities and giving you something to listen to on long drives.

Now, onto the main event, The Cult! As the name of the tour suggests, the majority of songs were from their 1989 album Sonic Temple. I missed my chance to see them play Electric in its entirety so I knew I had to see this tour, at least until 2027 when they do Electric again. The band kicked the evening off with a great performance of "Sun King" followed by a mix of Sonic Temple deep cuts and singles from different albums. It made sense for the band to shuffle the order of songs, otherwise they'd be playing the album's two biggest songs within the first half hour. Whilst the album order would've worked too, I'm glad they saved "Fire Woman" until later on, as that's an absolute killer of a track (especially when played live).
As for band performances, I'm thrilled to inform you that guitarist Billy Duffy and vocalist Ian Astbury still have it. Whilst Ian can't belt out lines with the same silver lined pipes he had during the recording sessions, he's still capable of performing new and old Cult tracks with gusto and his banter with the audience was entertaining without being preachy (at one point, there may have been a technical issue but Astbury responded with "Fuck it, you guys don't care, right?" causing a cheer to erupt from the audience before the band played the rest of the set flawlessly). He also seemed genuinely happy to be performing, dancing around on stage and kicking the shit out of his tambourine as opposed to remaining rooted to the spot and hurrying the rest of the band through the set like he had a train to catch.
New band members can play with the big boys too, as bassist Grant Fitzpatrick did an amazing job playing the heavy basslines and maintaining the song's melody during Duffy's solos. Aside from that, everything I thought would be awesome was indeed awesome and everything I thought would be kinda bland was actually pretty good. Favourite underrated gems from Sonic Temple ("New York City", "Sun King") were incredible live and even tracks I wasn't a fan of when I first heard them ("American Horse", "Automatic Blues") sounded fantastic live. The only things missing were a few extra songs off different releases of the album ("Soldier Blue", "Wake Up Time For Freedom", "Medicine Train") but I'm glad we got better songs off lesser known albums instead ("Spiritwalker", "Rise").

The band also made the right choice in choosing the final songs for the evening with "Love Removal Machine" rounding off the main concert and the extended version of "She Sells Sanctuary" closing the two-song encore. Most of the hits were played except for "Lil' Devil" and "Wild Hearted Son" but I'm satisfied with the songs I heard; there wasn't a performance where I felt the band weren't giving it their all and even though I'm sure these guys would've sounded better with slightly less mileage, they definitely didn't sound rusty or fit for the retirement home. Hell, if they keep practising and not releasing albums like Hidden City, they may still be going this time next year.
With that in mind, I definitely recommend seeing The Cult live. I wouldn't call it an incredible show that tops my Top 5 list of all gigs but if I had to place this somewhere on a spectrum of previous live shows (Iron Maiden and Tenacious D in Brighton towards the left on the better side, Judas Priest and Tenacious D in Leeds towards the right), I'd say it's somewhere between the first third and midway point of the line; a solid Great which accurately represents the quality of music The Cult put out during their golden years. That may change over time but I'm glad that the band appear to be enjoying their work as opposed to some musicians with "Cult" in their band name.
The next concert I'm seeing will be Ghost in November at the First Direct Arena, also in Leeds. I have astronomically high expectations for this, not just because their last album Prequelle was my favourite album of 2018. To find out my favourite album of 2019, keep an eye on this blog over the next couple of months! That's right guys, I'm sort of back for a bit!

Easter Is Cancelled - The Darkness

Taking a break from charting Clone Hero customs to review my second favourite album of 2019 so far!
Oh shit, sorry. Spoilers.

A song about calling for the execution of a musical genre.
A song about falling in love with a girl who's hardcore into Death Metal.
A song about the state of the planet and mankind sung from the perspective of Jesus.
A song about the tragic loss of one's deck chair on a particularly windy day.
These and many more can be found on Easter Is Cancelled, the latest album by UK based semi-Comedy Rock band, The Darkness. As you can tell by the artwork above (a huge improvement on the horrible cover from Pinewood Smile), this is an album by a band that aren't ready to take themselves or the musical genre they're so adept at producing seriously any time soon. Much like their last two albums, there's a healthy blend of songs with silly lyrics about mundane British life and absolute bangers with heavy riffs and furious solos.
Album opener and lead single "Rock And Roll Deserves To Die" is definitely the latter, as the song's built around multiple acoustic guitar melodies before charging into a thundering post-chorus riff paired with Justin Hawkins' trademark screeching falsetto. Lyrically, it's grandiose and the subject matter of the song is hardly one to treat with sincerity (especially since the band full-on backpedal on their decree by the album's final track, "We Are The Guitar Men") but it's not designed to have you tittering to yourself like a fool. Hell, nothing on this album is, really.

Compared to the last album that had songs about the terrible UK train service and wanting to have sex with the mums of the younger fans, the humour on this album is a little more subtle. Sure, there are straight up hilarious lines such as "None more Metal, elegance and grace, we make sweet love to Hammer Smashed Face" ("Heavy Metal Lover") but the majority of the humour comes from lines like "You've bitten off more than you can chew, I hope my heart was a tasty hors d'oeuvre, You don't wanna hug, You need the Heimlich manoeuvre" ("Choke On It"); a bizarre but perfect blend of clever rhyming and lyrical structure to make an absolutely ridiculous point.
Ordinarily, I'd compare Rock music with a comical tone to the bigger bands that have dominated the Comedy Rock scene such as Spinal Tap and Tenacious D but I honestly feel like a far more fitting comparison for this album would be mid 70s Queen. No, the vocals aren't as strong as Freddie's and the guitar riffs aren't as classic as Brian May's but the tone of the album feels almost exactly on par with records such as A Night At The Opera. Songs with great melodies and poetic lyrics sandwiched between Arena Rock anthems designed to make the crowds go fucking crazy.
The riff-based piledrivers such as title track "Easter Is Cancelled" leave a great lasting impression and the melodic rockers such as "We Are The Guitar Men" have great repeat value. The sillier songs such as "Deck Chair" are probably the weaker entries due to being focused primarily on the humorous lyrics over the music but at least they make for a great listen once or twice before the joke wears thin. However, the biggest flaw of the album is that they saved some of the best songs for the Deluxe Edition such as Folk number "Sutton Hoo", a punchy little number telling a story about aliens visiting an Anglo-Saxon ship in the past (totally something Brian May could've written).

Easter Is Cancelled is an absolute joy to listen to. Hard Rock belters full of explosive action, catchy acoustic melodies for the music enthusiast in you to enjoy and plenty of mild chuckles along the way; it's basically the musical equivalent to a well-made superhero film. There are a couple of mediocre Rock numbers that are easily forgettable ("Heart Explodes", "In Another Life") but nothing that's bad or poorly made. However, these songs could've and should've been replaced by at least one song that was a bit meatier; maybe a Hard Rock chugger about vampires of Rock or something.
Whilst it doesn't exactly push any boundaries or showcase the band's willingness to experiment like I expected them to, any band that can write and produce a Queen album deserves credit. I rate the album 8/10 (same as Pinewood Smile) and would've given it a 9 if the band decided to include all 14 songs on one album instead of trying to milk fans for more cash. Yes, I still think criticising bands and penalising albums for releasing Deluxe Editions with new music is justifiable, deal with it.

Fear Inoculum - Tool

The day has arrived. Fans have been waiting what feels like an eternity for new material and it's finally here! That's right, it's a brand new blog post from me!

Before Tool decided to pull their heads out of their arses and bring their music to iTunes/Spotify, I didn't really have a strong opinion of them. I knew three of their songs through Guitar Hero and thought they all sounded kinda repetitive, like each song had a great riff but the band didn't know what to do with it other than milk it until the raw teet was producing nothing but dust. It was only after listening to their back catalogue earlier this month that I realised that's the majority of Tool songs; a great 5-6 minute song with five minutes of unnecessary droning around it.
Fans of Tool will be delighted to know that Fear Inoculum, their first album in 13 years, continues the trend of songs going on far too long to the point that the band reach Josh Homme levels of pretentiousness without showing the necessary technical proficiency to justify 15 minute Prog Metal odysseys about the number seven ("7empest"). But let's look at the positives first, shall we? For kick off, album opener, lead single and title track "Fear Inoculum" is easily the best song on the record.
It may be 10 minutes long and only six of those are worth listening to but the eerie delayed riff, build up of each instrument and fantastic bass (a staple of the best Tool songs thanks to Justin Chancellor/Paul D'Amour) are perfect for fans of their previous albums and newcomers introduced to the band due to their sudden willingness to be heard by actual people alike. It should also be noted that regardless of musical taste, this album is clearly the band's artistic vision; flawed and uncompromising like all great works of art should be, even though I'm sure many diehards were already hitting the message boards with rants about Maynard Keenan selling out after they posted their music online.

However, even the most incandescent, red-faced fan pounding their keys in rage over the disappointment of this album would have the makings of a solid argument if they used the words "tedious", "pompous" or "dull" in the midst of their frothing tirade. It doesn't matter if you love Prog Metal or not, this album is hard work to listen to. To actually sit through all 90 minutes actively listening to a band musically masturbating with the same drawn-out, simplistic melodies recycled and reworked you've heard by the fourth track requires the kind of discipline most monks who vow to spend their lives in celibate silence strive to achieve.
One sign of the band's obvious self-importance comes in the form of multiple soundscapes acting as interludes between the longer, Proggier tunes ("Litanie contre la Peur", "Legion Inoculant", "Chocolate Chip Trip", "Mockingbeat"). It's bad enough when bands flood albums with pointless 40 second tuneless wankfests - looking at you, Slipknot - but these tracks range from two to almost five minutes in length. They could've written actual songs that last that long but instead put their creative and musical talents into minimalist nonsense.
A great example of an album utilising short interludes to act as bridges between tracks is "FX" from Vol. 4 - Black Sabbath. After "Changes", a piano ballad about dealing with a break-up, you need a short breather before returning to roaring Heavy Metal in the form of "Supernaut". However, not only is "FX" less than two minutes long but it's also placed between two tracks that are worlds apart from each other in tone and sound. To the casual listener, every song on the Tool album sounds similar enough to not warrant the pointless procedurally generated audio files that take up 14% of the album.

The remaining 86% consists of tracks containing interchangeable strum patterns to atypical time signatures ("Descending"), multiple endings to extend an already padded song length ("Invincible") and the occasional great riffs that trick you into thinking a song is good because the band were clever enough to use them at the start and end ("Pneuma"). It's commendable that the band refused to bow to the temptations of a commercial sounding record in a time where once respectable Rock bands have decided to pair themselves with Pop producers but ultimately, it's a tough album to get into and definitely not one I'd lose sleep over if I never heard again.
For people who enjoy listening to albums as an immersive experience where they shut the curtains and seal themselves off from the rest of the world to take in the majesty of the music, this album might be pretty good. To everyone else, nothing on the album stands out as exceptional. Title track aside, the music is forgettable and nothing you haven't already heard from Tool already. I rate the album 3/10 largely for the ambition and effort. Sure, there are some musical highlights like the four-minute guitar solo that's intricately composed and not horrible to listen to but when it's encased in a 15 minute track, you're unlikely to want to listen to it again.
Much like anal sex, I recommend listening to Fear Inoculum at least once as an experience. You may find that you're more into it than you previously assumed but it's more likely that you'll not get anything out of it that you couldn't get from other places. Be warned though, you should only give it a go if you're in the right mood and can stomach pure shit.

Blue Oyster Cult - 2019 Tour

I bought tickets to see Blue Oyster Cult sometime last year and have spent the last couple of months looking forward to seeing not only a cracking Classic/Hard Rock band playing iconic tunes but also my favourite guitarist absolutely killing it on guitar.
Man, was I disappointed.

I saw Blue Oyster Cult a couple of days ago at the O2 Academy in Leeds and whilst I didn't hate the evening's performance, I certainly expected better from these guys. However, the show didn't start with BOC; instead, we were treated to a short set by The Temperance Movement, a band I've discussed a few times on this blog and generally like. Despite a few odd choices in their set, they did a damn fine job of warming up the mostly elderly crowd with their loud Blues Rock and stage presence.
Phil Campbell belted out his raw vocals with album-quality precision whilst dancing around the stage like Thom Yorke and the majority of songs picked were bangers ("Take Me Back", "Caught In The Middle", "Midnight Black") although there were some issues. For starters, even though Phil was maintaining a high level of energy throughout the entire gig, the rest of the band were pretty static. They didn't have to prance about the stage like Mick Jagger but it would've been good to see some enthusiasm from the guitarists.
Then there was their choice of opening song, "Only Friend". It's a good footstomper but a terrible opening song choice; they would've been better off with a slightly faster, more energetic song like "Built-In Forgetter" or "Oh, Lorraine", something that isn't too powerful but enough to set the tone for their portion of the concert. There was also a portion towards the end where they played two slower songs that successfully brought the energy attained throughout the show down to levels where most of the audience felt comfortable chatting over the top of the music.

Despite these critiques, I would recommend seeing The Temperance Movement if you like their material although if you asked me the same thing about Blue Oyster Cult, I'd genuinely need to think about it for a while. It's not a good sign when the band come on stage and two songs into the main set, you find yourself asking "...wait, are these guys Blue Oyster Cult?" They kicked things off with an unintentionally hilarious rendition of "Dr Music" with Buck Dharma performing the high pitched chorus vocals traditionally done by female backing singers followed by a forgettable stab at "Before The Kiss, A Redcap".
From there, the show had ups and downs but there were a couple of things that could be argued either way. Firstly, there was the bizarre choice of deep cuts that seemed to make up the majority of the setlist. I was surprised that Blue Oyster Cult played "Golden Age Of Leather", "E.T.I. (Extra Terrestrial Intelligence)" and "Hot Rails To Hell" live but never in a million years would've guessed they'd pick those over classics like "Cities On Flame With Rock And Roll", "Joan Crawford" or "Astronomy", none of which were played.
Whilst I can understand the desire felt by older bands to mix setlists up so they're not just playing the same hits over and over again, I doubt they've played many UK shows recently so omitting certain fan favourites in place of songs like "She's As Beautiful As A Foot" so they could have a Proggy jam felt questionable, which brings me onto the next point; the jamming. Blue Oyster Cult must've gone off on random, instrumental jams on at least every other song they played. Long, tedious jams that genuinely nearly sent me to sleep.

In my opinion, a band has a free pass for one live jam session, two tops if one of them is the final song of the night (ignoring the encore). Some bands are known for excessive jamming on stage and maybe Blue Oyster Cult are one of those, since they definitely have some heavily kooky/psychedelic songs in their arsenal of Classic Rock. As someone who likes an even mix of their early heavy, Riff-Based-Rock and their mystical, synthy Arena Rock, I would've preferred one extra song instead of all the constant jamming.
Now, let's move onto some of the undeniably negative aspects: the band were not on top form. I don't know if it was a dud night for them or if they just couldn't give a shit about a night at a venue they'll almost certainly never play again but the overall vibe they were giving was one of not being prepared. Instead of bantering with the audience in between songs or telling anecdotes about the myriad of deep cuts they were playing, there were multiple moments of awkward silence as the band chatted with each other.
Band members also showed little enthusiasm for the gig with Buck Dharma playing as stiff as a mannequin and drummer Jules Radino changing tempo an embarrassing number of times with his double bass WAY too loud in the mix. However, at least some band members conveyed a little personality; Danny Miranda had some fun on stage in between laying down bass licks and Richie Castellano wasn't afraid to go full-Slash during some of the guitar solos. Eric Bloom was a pretty bland frontman but at least he engaged with the crowd now and then, mostly during the encore.

In fact, that was when the band was the most animated; during the two songs they played after buggering off stage for a few minutes. If they had that level of energy throughout the entire gig, I probably wouldn't have been so let down. Unfortunately, despite having some solid moments (excellent performance of "Godzilla", awesome additional solo in the "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" outro that sounded better than the first, great riffing and pitch-perfect lead vocals from Buck Dharma), there were too many flaws for this to reach one of my favourite gigs. This is somewhere in the middle; below Saxon, Bad Company and The Darkness but above Deep Purple, Judas Priest and Muse.
If you just want to hear a band you like play songs you may or may not enjoy without getting cute with the arrangement, a Blue Oyster Cult show probably isn't the gig for you. If you like bands winging it and maybe creating one memorable section over the course of two hours, tickets are almost certainly still on sale. I'm glad I got a chance to see Blue Oyster Cult before they threw in the towel with the rest of the 70s Rock bands currently bowing out gracefully though. Hopefully next time I see middle-aged rockers belting out classics, it'll be a better experience!