Tenology: Even More Terrible Rock/Metal Lyrics

Another Tenology post about lyrics? Darn straight, although this one isn't about Mondegreens; it's about poorly thought through lyrics in the world of Rock and Metal. This is the third one of these posts I've done so some of the songs might be deep cuts and some of the lyrics might not be as bad as "terrible". However, if the lyrics are poor, the lyrics are poor and this is where we get to laugh at them!

1. "I'll Be There For You" - The Rembrandts

"When it hasn't been your day, your week,
your month or even your year"

One of the most 90s-est album covers ever...*clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*

Kicking this list off is the popular theme to the TV show Friends, notable for the introductory guitar riff, rapid claps in the verse and catchy chorus. However, there's one line that's always bothered me when I think about it. For those who don't know the song (...what, they might exist!), the first verse talks about how crappy life can be for you. It then talks about when life is stuck in second gear and how you haven't had a good day, week, month or "even" year...and that's where I take issue. I get that the rhyme works well but if you think about it, shouldn't "even" go before day? Years are longer than months, weeks and days so it'll be a lot harder for it to be "your" year than "your" month, week or day. Since days are the shortest, it's therefore logically the easiest for it to be good for you so "even" should come before day. I admit that I'm splitting hairs with this line so let's look at a song with lyrics that we can all agree are terrible.


2. "Debora" - Tyrannosaurus Rex

"Oh Debora, always look like a zebra"

Oh Marc Bolan, you never did get the hang of the lyrics part of songwriting

Most of you may know this song from the film Baby Driver and how Edgar Wright named a character Deborah just so he could include a scene where the characters laugh about this lyric...and with good reason! The rhyme of "Debora" and "Zebra" is so godawful that it makes you wonder why anyone would even bother forcing it to begin with. Choose a different rhyme scheme or something; imagine how bad "Eleanor Rigby" would've been if The Beatles tried to find rhymes for that name. Not only that but has any woman in the history of humanity ever been complimented by the comparison of her to a striped horse-like creature, or indeed non-striped for that matter? Just a terrible, terrible lyric.


3. "She's A Genius" - Jet

"She only listens to the radio,
To see who's alive"

I wonder if the girl this song's about is called Sharona...

Whilst I'm aware that these lyrics aren't meant to be taken literally, I believe there's an argument to be made for their inclusion in this post regardless of how you interpret them. First, there's the literal meaning; girl literally uses the radio to determine who's still alive, which simply doesn't work. Then there's the figurative meaning; girl listens to the radio to know who's popular, which means she's got a shit taste in music because she only cares about what everyone else likes. I dunno about you about if I'm going to try to convince listeners that a girl is a genius through song, I wouldn't want to establish her terrible taste in music before I've even reached the first chorus!


4. "Falling In Love (Is Hard On The Knees)" - Aerosmith

"'Cause falling in love is so hard on the knees"

No, this isn't a Rolling Stones lyric...although the song does contain a different Rolling Stones lyric

This is the second time a song from Nine Lives has appeared in a blog post detailing terrible lyrics but this time, we're not mocking poor rhyme schemes and nonsensical sentences. This time, we're looking at Aerosmith's ability to create the most ridiculous, cringeworthy, eighth-grade lyrics about romance that one of the supposedly "wildest" Rock bands in the world just keeps on pumping out. This is the kind of lyric that sounds like part of a joke on The Simpsons about an ageing Rock band on their 50th anniversary world tour; they may as well have called the song "Make Love Or Make My Supper" or "Sleep With Me Before I Fall Asleep In My Armchair During A Countdown Repeat".


5. "Sweet Little Sister" - Skid Row

"She blew my mind behind the record machine...
...She's my sweet little, sweet little sister"

It's either "record" or "wrecking" machine; my argument still remains

OK, this one requires some context. First up, I absolutely love this song. It's my favourite Skid Row song (yes, even over "18 And Life" and "Youth Gone Wild") and for the most part, the vocal delivery and lyrics are pretty damn great. However, whenever I listen to it, there's always something in the back of my mind that doesn't sit right after hearing the above two lines at the start and chorus of the song. When you factor in Skid Row's general image and musical style,"She blew my mind behind the record/wrecking machine" can only be taken as a sexual metaphor but "She's my sweet little, sweet little sister" implies that "she" is related to him. Even if it's not the intended denotation, the connotation that the singer is getting oral pleasure from his sister still exists all because he sung "she's my" instead of "she's A" or "she's YOUR sweet little sister". I still love the song, though.


6. "Lonely Is The Night" - Billy Squier

"Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone"

I'm ashamed to say that it took way too long for me to notice this lyric

Billy Squier coming in with the piping hot observations. "Lonely is the night when you find yourself alone"? No fuckin' shit, Billy! What other pearls of wisdom have you got for us, "Teapots are useful only when they contain tea"? "A sport is not a sport if it's not a sport"? Once again, it's unfortunate that this terrible lyric not only belongs to Squier's signature song but is also the very first line he sings. Take note: if you're going to write a song with the intention of making it a radio hit, don't drop the ball in the opening line.


7. "Diggin' Me Down" - Ozzy Osbourne

"How will I know you, Mr. Jesus Christ"

I want to see a fight between Mr. Jesus Christ and Mr. Crowley

This lyric probably doesn't deserve to be called "terrible" but let's face it, it's still a bit naff. Saying "Mr. Jesus Christ" is the kind of thing a child or stereotypical Latin American maid would do, certainly not the Prince Of Darkness. There's always been an element of silliness in Ozzy Osbourne lyrics but this is one of the few examples that made me laugh out loud when I heard it. However, since it's (probably) Ozzy's last studio album and it contains a collection of awesome Metal music, I can forgive him for saying "Mr. Jesus Christ". Besides, at least Ozzy seems aware of his silliness, unlike his Heavy Metal counterpart, Ronnie James Dio. Speaking of Dio...


8. "Stargazer" - Rainbow

"There's no sun in the shadow of the wizard"

I'm beginning to think maybe RJD wasn't the lyrical wordsmith the entire Metal community says he was

Look out Billy Squier, looks like there's a contender for the Most Obvious Lyrics In Rock award that I've just created. I remember reading a quote about Dio that said something along the lines of "He never overestimated himself, nor underestimated himself". I agree with the second part. Ronnie's lyrics, whether they're from his time in Rainbow, Black Sabbath or Dio, contained fantastic mythological imagery but sometimes, he took himself a bit too seriously. Take this lyric: the declaration that shadows contain no sunlight is dumb but by adding something about wizards in there, Dio tried to pass it off as something majestic and awesome. Once you take a step back and listen to the lyrics without realising that it's Dio singing them, a lot of his material just sounds ridiculous. Of course, a lot of it sounds awesome too but that's not what this post is about.


9. "Uh! All Night" - KISS

"Well, we work all day and we don't know why"

KISS: Undisputed champions of writing songs about shagging

This album came out in the mid-80s, well into KISS' career as Shock Rock superstars. By this point, they will have made shitloads of cash on tours, music and (most importantly) merchandise. In other words, they were comfortably wealthy. As a result, lines like "we work all day and we don't know why" come across as a little...well, Let-Them-Eat-Cakey. KISS strike me as a band that would question why people would work all day if they don't like it, completely unaware that the average blue-collar fan of Rock needs to work to survive. If they want to write songs about getting laid, that's one thing, but trying to connect with the average Joe working 9-5 to make ends meet is a bad idea for a band like KISS. Bands like Bachman-Turner Overdrive and Lynyrd Skynyrd can write those songs, KISS can't.


10. "Sex On Fire" - Kings Of Leon

"You, your sex is on fire"

Remember when Kings Of Leon used to be a Rock band? Then they wrote this fucking song

No, I don't like this song. In fact, I'd even say that I hate it. It's bland and safe, exactly the opposite of what good Rock should be. However, we're not here for the tepid guitarwork or dull percussion in the verse; we're here for the lyrics in the chorus, namely the line that contains the title of the song. I'm guessing he's saying that they're having a cracking shag as opposed to the literal interpretation of spontaneous genitalia combustion but the term "your sex is on fire" sounds like something from a Steel Panther or Red Hot Chili Peppers track, definitely not the kind of lyric that belongs in a song like this. It's over the top and almost a parody of the kind of shit Hair Metal bands would write, yet Kings Of Leon seem to be delivering it non-ironically? I don't know and I don't care enough about the band to actually research whether this was meant to be a piss-take in the same way "(You've Got To) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" - Beastie Boys was. All I know is I don't much care for the lyric...or song...or band...Youth And Young Manhood was a good album though.


One day, I need to write a blog post about GOOD lyrics in Rock/Metal, as I've definitely been thinking of a couple recently. Maybe in October, as I don't want to do too many lyric-based Tenology posts in a short space of time.

Here Is The News: August 2018 Edition

NEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWSS!!!
Yeah, more events from the world of Rock/Metal, crafted for your pleasure.

METALHEAD FINALLY 'GETS' SYSTEM OF A DOWN

A man from Surrey who has spent the last fifteen years being a fan of classic Heavy Metal bands such as Iron Maiden, Megadeth and Black Sabbath has finally made the mental breakthrough needed to understand the music of System Of A Down. The man had been aware of them for some time but it was only recently that he listened to one of their songs and not recoiled in horror or disgust at their unique style of Nu-Metal.

System Of A Down (pictured left) are known for loud, traditional Metal riffing paired with screeching, operatic vocals as showcased in signature songs like "Chop Suey!" and "B.Y.O.B". The band aren't afraid to embrace aggressive wackiness either, particularly in songs such as "Vicinity Of Obscenity". It was this song that the man from Surrey listened to when he had his epiphany, realising that the band weren't just a bunch of angry clowns and actually had some talent in their musicianship and songwriting.

When asked about the experience, the man stated "I've never really been a fan of bands like System Of A Down or Slayer but after years of listening to Thrash Metal and building up a tolerance to fast riffing and progressively more abrasive vocals, my tastes have toughened up to the point that I can hear "Angel Of Death" and actually nod my head along to what I assume is the music. I never thought the same thing would happen with System Of A Down".

According to the man (not pictured right), he was casually listening to one of the Heavy Metal playlists on Spotify when he heard the SOAD track. He told us "It was supposed to be an 'Old School Metal' playlist but whoever made it clearly didn't realise what they were making, as it contained songs by bands like Rammstein and some random solo stuff from Metal musicians". He went on to say that he originally intended to change the playlist after sitting through the first minute of "Before I Forget" - Slipknot but was "too lazy". Eventually, the SOAD song appeared on the playlist, causing quite the shock to the man from Surrey.

"Initially, I enjoyed the music but once I heard Serj's voice, I couldn't believe that I was actually liking the song. I gave the song a full listen and ended up loving it!". Since then, the man has sampled music from other fairly contemporary Metal bands such as Dethklok and Five Finger Death Punch, finding that he isn't immediately repulsed in the same way he would've been upon hearing their music just a few years ago. When asked if he would go to a System Of A Down show, the man claimed that it's still early days and he doesn't want to rush into something like that without proper protection., although he's still eager to experiment with his newly adapted taste in Metal.

JUDAS PRIEST ANNOUNCE SECOND FAREWELL TOUR

Legendary Metal band Judas Priest have announced that they intend to call it a day after one last farewell tour next year. The 2019 farewell tour, entitled the "Sold Out Tour", will start in Argentina, moving across the planet to the Americas, down to Japan, around Europe, a few dates back in South America before finishing up with one show in the UK. According to the tour manager, it's the band's most "confusingly ambitious" tour to date.

Judas Priest (pictured left) have decided that it's time to call it quits once again after dwindling returns on their latest world tour to promote Firepower, the most recent album at the time of writing this article. Ian Hill, the band's bassist, has stated that he doubts Firepower will be their last album but despite this assertion, a press release on the band's website stated "The Sold Out Tour will be the last opportunity to hear new or old Judas Priest material. We really mean it this time".

The band were referring to their 2011/2012 Epitaph World Tour, supposedly a farewell tour after original guitarist K.K. Downing left the band to be replaced by Richie Faulkner. However, after the success of the tour and the demand for more Metal, Judas Priest decided to scrap their retirement plans and continue touring/recording new music anyway. This decision definitely came after the end of the tour and certainly wasn't planned beforehand in an attempt to increase ticket sales for what was essentially just a greatest hits tour after diminishing interest in the band's new music. It wasn't.

When asked for details on the band's Sold Out tour, the band's promoter Slim Chimbles (part time band promoter, part time owner of a second-hand car dealership) claimed "This tour will be the one to see! All the band are at the top of their game and are ready to wow audiences all over the world with fan favourites and some new songs that the band learnt for their last tour that they feel more comfortable playing live than old deep cuts. However, if you've ever wanted to see Judas Priest live, you'd better get your tickets now before you miss the chance to see Rob Halford performing whilst the rest of the band play "Breaking The Law". If you buy tickets now, you'll be in for a real surprise! Also, tickets are non-refundable and pre-purchases require a 40% deposit. Rock & Roll!"

The second farewell tour and, indeed, Judas Priest themselves have been criticised by some fans for what appears to be a hollow cash grab by an ageing band who are evidently more interested in making money than keeping Rock alive, designed to con a younger generation of metalheads who didn't have the opportunity to see Judas Priest in their prime whilst misleading loyal fans (who perhaps don't have the disposable income or time necessary to frequently go to gigs) to see them instead of a band who wouldn't openly lie about their intentions. However, many fans have criticised the band for other reasons too.

SOUTHERN ROCK BAND COMPLETELY LOSES IDENTITY

The Southern Rock band Devils And Angels have finally changed their name and roster of members so many times that none of them can remember what the band used to be called when they first formed in the early 70s. The (possibly super) group are halfway through touring America with Black Stone Cherry although it's unknown if people are going to see them because they want to hear material from the recently formed Devils And Angels or if they're hoping to hear classics from a long-gone Southern Rock band that one or more of the members may have been a part of several decades ago.

Lead guitarist Hughie Woodpecker had this realisation during a recent interview where a music journalist asked him if Devils And Angels planned on playing any of their "earlier work", prompting Hughie's eyes to glaze over as he desperately tried to search his memory banks for the band he started out in. Fortunately, the music journalist changed the subject and asked if he preferred his time playing in his original band or with Lynyrd Skynyrd (pictured left) in the 90s. Since Hughie could vaguely remember sharing a stage with the Lynyrd Skynyrd flag behind him, he answered the latter.

Other band members faced similar problems recalling their origins. Earl Downs II could've sworn he joined the band when they were The Allman Fogerty Project back in the 80s but couldn't recall whether they were The Allman Brothers Band, Creedence Clearwater Revival or a completely different entity before that. Similarly, members of other Southern Rock bands such as The Outlaws and .38 Special have since reached out to confirm that they were a different band to Devils And Angels, narrowing down the list of potential 70s Southern Rock groups they could have once been.

The mystery has become somewhat of a challenge for the Internet as tech-savvy Southern Rock fans have taken to forums to determine the very first incarnation of Devils And Angels. Many clues have been posted such as quotes from interviews implying memories of playing on stage with long haired guitarists, female backing vocalists and at least one man wearing a cowboy hat. Sadly, no definite answer has been uncovered yet but the last significant clue was a grainy photo of the band's guitarist and bassist sharing a stage with members of Blackfoot or Molly Hatchet (pictured right many years later).

Regardless of the band's origins, Devils And Angels continue to tour and play catchy Southern Rock numbers recorded over the last twenty years. The band still love playing live and have no intention of calling it quits just yet. Members of the band are still hoping to discover the truth behind their origin for a multitude of reasons although it's suspected that the main one is knowing whether or not they have to pay royalties for covering what could be their own material.

Stay tuned for more Tenology posts/news in the coming months!

Tenology: Mondegreens In Rock/Metal

Mondegreen, noun: A misheard lyric of a song, typically a phrase rather than a single word.

One of the many Tenology posts currently in the works deals with Mondegreens in Rock/Metal music old and new. When assembling this list, I tried to avoid choosing songs with forced misinterpretations that clearly sound nothing like the original lyrics, instead opting for lyrics that are either well known Mondegreens or ones that I've personally misheard over the years.
Underneath each track is an embedded YouTube video that starts just before the Mondegreen in question. However, since videos get taken down every day, I'll also be including a Spotify playlist at the bottom of this post along with the exact time of the Mondegreen for said Spotify track. Again, the time listed in the title is for the Spotify track, NOT the YouTube one.


1. "Paranoid" - Black Sabbath (2:20)

Lyric: "And so as you hear these words, telling you now of my state".
Mondegreen: "And so as you hear these words, telling you now I want my steak".



Of all the lyrics that I've misheard over the years, this is the one that probably surprised (and embarrassed) me the most. I only discovered the real lyrics after singing this song on Rock Band with one of my friends, outing myself as a classless fool who didn't know the real lyrics to a Black Sabbath song. Fortunately, I don't think he gave a shit and my social status remained untouched that day. To be honest, I prefer the delivery of "I want my steak" and will always hear those words when I listen to this song.


2. "Kid Charlemagne" - Steely Dan (3:26)

Lyric: "Careful what you carry".
Mondegreen: "Care for wine, Drew Carey?"



I once read a heated debate in a YouTube comment section as to whether the lyric in a song about drug dealers was about caution when transporting goods to a car or offering the host of Whose Line Is It Anyway a glass of Pino Grigio. It went on for some time and the only purpose it served was allowing me to list it as a Mondegreen some 10 years or so later. Whilst I've never made the mistake of thinking the lyric was genuinely about Drew Carey myself, I can hear both versions when I listen to it.


3. "Turn Up The Radio" - Autograph (1:33)

Lyric: "The only time I turn it down, is when I'm sleeping it off".
Mondegreen: "The only time I turn it down, is when I'm feelin' it up".



Unlike "Paranoid", this Mondegreen is one that I may have made myself but didn't believe was genuine for years. I listened to this song and wasn't sure if he was singing about feeling music up although didn't care enough about the real lyrics enough to do a five second Google search. However, after knowing the correct lyrics, I feel like that's all I can hear now. However, if you find a version of this song with weaker audio quality, you might mishear the lyrics too.


4. "Blinded By The Light" - Manfred Mann's Earth Band (0:11)

Lyric: "Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner...".
Mondegreen: "Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche, another runner...".



Continuing the trend of alternating personal Mondegreens with fairly well known ones, this song contains arguably one of the most common Mondegreens in existence. I mean, just listen to it! They must've heard the chorus after recording it and thought "Hmmm, that kinda sounds like we're talking about wrapping up douches. Should we do another take?" before deciding to take an early lunch instead. Ah well, at least this isn't the band's signature song or anything...


5. "Footloose" - Kenny Loggins (2:37)

Lyric: "Gotta take the hold of all".
Mondegreen: "I'll take the whole of Rome".



Another Mondegreen that I only believed because I couldn't figure out what the actual lyrics were when I first heard this song. I can't remember exactly why but at some point in my youth, I was typing out all the lyrics to this song and didn't have the common sense to simply Google the lyrics...so I tried to work it out phonetically and needless to say, ended up very confused. Now I know the actual words, I can hear "all" instead of "Rome" but you have to admit, the first part of the line still doesn't sound quite right.


6. "Hate Not Gone" - Stone Sour (2:10)

Lyric: "My Hell is running cold".
Mondegreen: "My Elvis wouldn't go".



This is one that I've coined but every time I hear this song, whenever it gets to the line before the chorus, I always hear "My Elvis wouldn't go". This line appears throughout the entire song but I've selected the line that I believe sounds the funniest when you imagine Corey Taylor lamenting the fact that his personal King Of Rock wouldn't do what he wanted. This isn't a well known song so I doubt this is a popular Mondegreen but of all the ones on the list, it's probably one of the easiest ones to hear.


7. "(You Can Still) Rock In America" - Night Ranger (1:23)

Lyric: "Not a sound as she makes her getaway".
Mondegreen: "Not a sound as she Mexican waves".


This is a Mondegreen that I genuinely thought was the actual lyric until I played this song on Clone Hero recently and saw the words "makes her getaway" instead of "Mexican waves". Granted, the actual lyric makes a hell of a lot more sense in the context of the song but I didn't dispute the idea of this fictional character figuratively (or literally) performing a Mexican wave in dead silence. Why? Not entirely sure although I can still hear both versions of the lyric when I listen to this song.


8. "Creeping Death" - Metallica (1:24)

Lyric: "So let it be written, so let it be done".
Mondegreen: "So let me retire, so let me die".



Whilst both lyrics are suitably badass for this absolute beast of a song, I personally prefer the version that I misheard when I first listened to this song. Since the song was called "Creeping Death", I think I naturally assumed the chorus would be about dying. However, some years after hearing it, I discovered that it was actually someone giving orders, kinda like the rest of the song. Should've figured it out but ah well, it's still a fucking great tune.


9. "La Dee Da" - Foo Fighters (0:18)

Lyric: "Jim Jones painting in a blue bedroom".
Mondegreen: "Chimp Trump's bleeding in a blue bedroom



When I first heard this song, I couldn't quite make out the lyrics and assumed it was about Trump due to Dave Grohl's unhappiness with American culture around the time of the album's conception. That and the previous line referring to the White House. Admittedly this isn't a well known Mondegreen (as far as I know) but don't worry, the last one's a bit more infamous.


10. "Fortunate Son" - Creedence Clearwater Revival (1:47)

Lyric: "I ain't no military son".
Mondegreen: "I ain't no milk terrorist's son".



Again, I quite like the term "milk terrorist" but I only discovered the true lyrics after a radio DJ also confessed to getting the lyrics incorrect when they listened to it. Even though I can sort of hear "military son" when I really listen for it, "milk terrorist's son" just sounds more natural. Song's still great, though.




Are there any well known or lesser known but equally amusing Mondegreens in Rock/Metal I've missed? Let me know via Twitter or in the comment section, as I'm probably gonna do another one of these posts in the future if I can find enough examples.

Rapid Fire: Black Stone Cherry, The Offspring, Foo Fighters

Recently, I went to visit family and had to spend five hours driving from my house to theirs. Before setting off, I grabbed three CDs from my collection that I hadn't listened to for the car journey and once I arrived, decided to write a blog post discussing each album. So yeah, that's the theme for this month's Rapid Fire post. Not genres, not decades, just three albums I listened to whilst travelling alone on the motorway.


1. Magic Mountain - Black Stone Cherry

The first album I listened to was easily the best although don't mistake that for me saying it was a great album overall. Magic Mountain has some decent Hard Rock tracks but more often than not, the songs were built on uninspired riffs and generic Black Stone Cherry material. Album opener "Holding On...To Letting Go" starts off with a great rhythm and some decent riffing but regrettably the band make their classic mistake of letting things slow down for no good reason in the middle. It's a shame too as the guitar solo's pretty good, although changing the rhythm in the middle of a song by slowing it down rarely ever works unless you're a Prog Metal band and even then, it's never worth it.
The slower sections of the album come in the form of drug themed tracks such as "Peace Pipe", "Me And Mary Jane" and "Blow My Mind". Similar to some of the material off the latest albums by The Sword, I get the impression that the chilled, Southern Groove behind each of these songs sounds better when 'blazing up' as all the hip kids say. Since I was behind the wheel at the time of listening to these tracks, I can't confirm or deny that theory but what I can confirm is that unlike other Black Stone Cherry albums I've listened to, this album has songs I would love to listen to again such as 70s throwback and title track "Magic Mountain" and emotionally charged album closer "Remember Me", even if it does go on way too long.
The stronger aspects of the record, as always, are the dynamic riffs and heavy grooves whereas I felt myself tuning out during the slower, whinier numbers ("Sometimes") and gimmicky filler tracks straight outta shit-kicker, cousin-fucker county ("Hollywood In Kentucky"). All in all though, it's a complete album that didn't feel like it was playing it too safe or recycling material (unlike another album I'll be discussing lower down). I recommend Magic Mountain to fans of Hard/Southern Rock although don't set your standards too high.

1. Holding On...To Letting Go

2. Peace Pipe

3. Bad Luck & Hard Love

4. Me And Mary Jane

5. Runaway

6. Magic Mountain

7. Never Surrender

8. Blow My Mind

9. Sometimes

10. Fiesta Del Fuego

11. Dance Girl

12. Hollywood In Kentucky

13. Remember Me

ALBUM RATING - 6/10

Next up is an album by Pop Punk champions The Offspring!

2. Americana - The Offspring

Don't let the album artwork fool you; this album isn't even the remotest bit interesting. Released in 1998 and after the band's much better albums Smash and Ixnay On The Hombre (not to mention before Conspiracy Of One, also a better album), Americana is supposed to be the band's statement on life in America from the band's youthful perspective but ends up sounding like weaker versions of material we've already heard before. Album opener "Welcome/Have You Ever" has the same rhythm, the same guitarwork and the same basic vocal structure as your typical Offspring track only it lacks that special spark. Possibly because the band try to add more progressive elements to their aggressive Pop Punk and it simply doesn't work.

Whilst there are some instances of tracks working perfectly as they are ("The Kids Aren't Alright", "Staring At The Sun"), the majority of songs on the album trip and fall over themselves. For example, lead single "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" has an amazing chorus and some fine guitar/vocal work, not to mention decent Latin influences. Unfortunately, it's ruined by the obnoxious "GIVVIT TO ME BAY-BEEEE, UH-HUH UH-HUH" throughout. If that vocal melody was played on guitar instead, this would've been an album highlight. There's also album closer "Pay The Man", a song originally intended to be on the previous album but was left off because they felt like it didn't belong. That was a smart decision, unlike the decision to make it eight-minutes long and easily forgettable. That was a dumb decision.

Ultimately, you'll probably enjoy this album if you haven't heard their previous work, similar to how you probably think Die Hard 4.0 is awesome if you haven't seen the first or second one. Americana is surplus goods and the Pop Punk filler tracks are old news at this point. Even the singles are dull or flawed to the point that they're not enjoyable (apart from "The Kids Aren't Alright"). You don't really stand to gain anything from listening to this entire album that you couldn't get elsewhere and the fact that the band's next album moved towards more conventional Rock than their brand of Skater Punk tells you that at least one member of the band felt like Americana showed warning signs of the band going stale.

1. Welcome

2. How Are You

3. Staring At The Sun

4. Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)

5. The Kids Aren't Alright

6. Feelings

7. She's Got Issues

8. Walla Walla

9. The End Of The Line

10. No Brakes

11. Why Don't You Get A Job

12. Americana

13. Pay The Man

14. Pretty Fly (Reprise)

ALBUM RATING - 3/10

And last but certainly least, we have Dave Grohl "experimenting"!

3. There Is Nothing Left To Lose - Foo Fighters

I fucking hate this album. It's generic, depressing, repetitive and possibly worst of all, it feels like Dave Grohl knew exactly what he was doing. The first three songs are completely different to the rest of the album and unsurprisingly, those three songs are the ones that are (semi) popular Foos tracks. Album opener "Stacked Actors" sports a great riff, an explosive chorus, a decent guitar solo and some classic Grohl vocals. Following close behind is "Breakout", another proper Rock song with Dave letting loose throughout. However, once we reach "Learn To Fly", a mediocre but passable radio friendly song designed to sound as commercial as possible, everything goes downhill.

The rest of the album contains guitar riffs that sound like they were written in about 10 seconds ("Live-In Skin", "Headwires"), percussion that would nudge coma patients onto the next mortal plain of existence ("Ain't It The Life", "Aurora") and vocals with all the energy and passion of an insurance salesman humming TV ad jingles whilst waiting for a bus ("M.I.A.", "Next Year"). It's almost as if Grohl didn't have much confidence in what he was doing so decided to start the album off with his three favourite songs so that people would hear the first few tracks and mistake There's Nothing Left To Lose for a Rock album.

This is the kind of album I'd imagine pretentious, hipster douches listening to because of how sensitive and non-threatening this "Rock" music is; your Zach Braffs, your Simon Neils, etc. If you're one of them, go knock yourselves out. Literally, knock yourselves out because your taste is awful and unwanted. Do not listen to this album, there are literally hundreds of better modern Rock records that don't sound phoned in or misleading. I've criticised Queens Of The Stone Age material due to how the mix of soft vocals and aggressively fuzzy guitar/bass tones does not work but I'll take Josh Homme's audio jizzrag over Dave Grohl's, if this album's anything to go by.

1. Stacked Actors

2. Breakout

3. Learn To Fly

4. Gimme Stitches

5. Generator

6. Aurora

7. Live-In Skin

8. Next Year

9. Headwires

10. Ain't It The Life

11. M.I.A.

ALBUM RATING - 2/10

COMING SOON: Tenology posts and more NEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWS.

Guitar Charts: Dos & Don'ts

Apologies guys; it's another video game post!
Fans of Guitar Hero & Rock Band will know that the guitar chart for a song can make or break your experience. Casual players probably won't care but fans playing on Expert would spend afternoons on forums bitching about overcharts, undercharts and instruments that aren't guitar charted to guitar. Granted that those heated debates died out with the popularity of the rhythm music game genre but ever since Clone Hero took off (a free Guitar Hero mod that contains all the music from GH/RB and a seemingly infinite supply of customs), the importance of good guitar charts is back.
So what makes a "good" chart? Well, it frequently comes down to opinion but I like to think there are some rules that players generally accept when defining a good or bad chart. These are the rules I tend to follow when making the call:

DO put fun over realism
This is one that some players will probably disagree with but for me, I would much rather play a chart that's fun albeit slightly inaccurate than one that's closer to the way you actually play it on guitar that isn't as fun as it could've been. Sure, realism is somewhat necessary in these charts as a guideline but here's the thing: Guitar Hero and other music game variants are video games, they are not real and will never be real. Trying to make them realistic is a futile exercise that only serves to please the pedantic and frustrate everyone else. If the chart would be more fun with HOPOs throughout the solo when the reality is there would be frequent strums or if the chords used have four notes in them instead of two or three, you best believe that 99% of the time fun trumps realism.

DO some research
OK, you've listened to the song a hundred times and you can already picture how it should be charted in your head...but is that REALLY how the song is played? Is that REALLY how it sounds or have you mentally filled in gaps that didn't exist? Does the riff go G-R-Y OY, G-R-Y GY or should it go R-G-Y BO, R-G-Y YB (if you can guess the song I just charted there from the notes alone, we should hang out more)? Trust me, you might have a great idea for how it's played in your head but if you have no knowledge about how to play the entire song, you're almost certainly going to make a mistake somewhere. Fortunately, it's easy to correct yourself. If it's a real song by an actual band instead of some meme remix then you can probably find a decent tab on Ultimate-Guitar.com and if it's a well known song, riff and/or solo then chances are there's a detailed video tutorial on YouTube. Hit the web and do some learning before charting your favourite song for the benefit of the fans who'll be playing your work. NOTE: This is mostly referring to mapping the notes to the correct pitch and whilst it does sound like it contradicts my previous point, there's no fun in playing a chart made by someone who clearly couldn't tell a chord from a trill.

DO know when to use instruments other than guitar
Sometimes, a song may have a section on a completely different instrument pop up in a guitar chart. It'll commonly be keys of some sort but could also be harmonica, strings or even percussion in some rare cases ("We Will Rock You" - Queen on Lego Rock Band). Some players will draw a firm line in the sand and say no instruments other than guitar in a guitar chart. Personally, I feel that there are examples where keys or strings can enhance a chart but there is no strict rule for when to use them, hence the wording of this Do. If the song has plenty of guitar and there's an introduction on a different instrument (e.g. the piano in "Hold The Line" - Toto or the strings in "Afterlife" - Avenged Sevenfold), you can probably just leave those out. However, if there's a killer organ solo later on and the guitar is just gonna be sustains or chord strumming (e.g. "Roll With The Changes" - REO Speedwagon or "Burn" - Deep Purple), you can go ahead and spice your chart up with those tap notes. Ultimately though, no guitar chart is ever ruined by NOT putting different instruments in whereas plenty have been soiled by including other instruments where they're not welcome.

DON'T take the piss when over/undercharting
This is not the same as "Don't over/underchart". Whilst it doesn't happen often, I accept that there are a few occasions where the occasional over/underchart makes a song a bit more fun, e.g. putting in a couple of extra HOPOs where there'd normally be a pause to make a section of a solo flow better or making 3-note chords into 2-note ones to avoid giving players a severe case of wanker's cramp in their fretting arm. HOWEVER, there's an incredibly fine line to tread here. If possible, stick to charting sensibly but if you do feel the urge to over/underchart, don't be a tool. Don't fill a song with ridiculous sweeping note streams where there are none just to make it a Clone Hero meme (a.k.a. the rhythm music game equivalent of YouTube Poop, a.k.a. Art Cancer) and don't be a coward who only charts every other note because they can't play very well.

DON'T focus on just lead or rhythm guitar
Variety is key when making a fun chart. Sometimes you can only play the cards you're dealt but if there are songs with lead and rhythm guitar from start to finish, you can take a mediocre chart and make it exceptional. A good example would be "Sultans Of Swing" - Dire Straits in Guitar Hero 5. Neversoft knew that the rhythm on its own up until the guitar solo(s) probably would've got dull quickly if not for the brief sections with a small riff or melody now and then to keep players on their toes. Likewise, if you compare it to some of the charts in Rock Band 3 (and Clone Hero) that focus on just lead instead of rhythm, you'll find that there are moments where you could be playing a good riff but instead have to wait. Variety spices up standard charts whilst still using the materials provided by the song and yes, whilst it might not be "realistic" to play both lead and rhythm, you can always reread the first rule for clarity on my thoughts about that. Save lead OR rhythm for the Guitar Co-Op bullshit, not the regular charts.

DON'T cut corners
Well, you've done it. You've just placed the last note on your chart and it's ready to play, right? WRONG! There's a little thing called QA (quality assurance) that professional charts in GH/RB games had to go through so that fans didn't end up purchasing songs with inconsistent riffs, calibration glitches, strums instead of HOPOs, poor audio mixes, visual bugs, broken notes, missing notes, extra notes or one of the many other problems faced with creating something for a video game. Don't be that asshole who puts out a chart for an amazing, underrated song that nobody else thought to make that's absolutely full of technical problems. I know you're excited to get your finished product out there but if you haven't at the very least quintuple checked it to make sure everything runs smoothly then buddy, you ain't finished shit. At the same time, DON'T spend so long polishing it and tweaking things that don't need changing that by the time you release it, several identical (if not superior) charts for the same song have already been released. Again, fine line to tread; such is the joy of being a charter!

DON'T use open notes
Don't use open notes in a guitar chart. Don't do it. Not now, not ever. Open notes are ugly and always pointless in guitar charts; most of the time, you can just use the green fret and the other times where a 6th pitch is needed can often by avoided with creative charting. Open notes in bass charts are fine due to how they differentiate guitar/bass charts and the visual of the open note paired with the lower pitch of bass feels more appropriate. However, unless you plan on doing two different guitar charts (with/without open notes) then under no circumstances should your guitar chart include open notes. No guitar chart has even been improved with open notes: Fact.


Bonus "Don't" to express my hatred of open notes in Clone Hero charts!
If you want more tips or opinions on what makes a good Guitar Hero/Clone Hero/Rock Band guitar chart, feel free to follow me on Twitch where I frequently stream Clone Hero and discuss the quality of charts as I play. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower as that shameless self promotion has left me feeling mucky.

Prequelle - Ghost

New(ish) album review time!

I've frequently discussed the fictional genre of Pop Metal and which songs/bands would qualify for such a categorisation. Whilst the album cover may scream "HEAVEH METAAAAAAL", the music on Prequelle is actually pretty damn accessible and would definitely cross into Pop Metal territories were it an actual genre. Album opener "Ashes" is a spooky synth-heavy introduction to the true album opener and lead single, "Rats". Clearly inspired by Ozzy Osbourne and sporting a winning combination of explosive riffs and catchy vocal melodies, this arena gig anthem kicks things off with confidence and style. It's a good introduction to an album that blends 80s Pop/Yacht Rock elements with Heavy Metal ones as effortlessly as Guns N' Roses blend great guitar-work with terrible vocals.
Unlike some albums that don't quite blend styles together all the way and instead write a bunch of tracks firmly belonging to one genre or the other, Prequelle's material can only be described as heavily mellow from start to finish. The lack of furious shredfest solos and pure aggression channelled into vocal performances may seem atypical for modern Metal, yet the thundering riffs and dynamic percussion go beyond your standard Hard Rock tracks.
However, if you told me years ago that I'd be listening to (and loving) an album that expertly mixed saxophone solos and Disney style twinkling glissandos with galloping guitar riffs and lyrics about the plague, I would've written you off and gone back to listening to...I dunno, Iron Maiden and Metallica and stuff, I can't remember what I was really into a couple of years ago. Point is that in a world so shitty with Rock/Metal music desperately trying to recapture the magic of the past by rewriting Led Zeppelin or AC/DC songs, it's great to hear a band that have captured a new, distinct sound (albeit one created through old influences).

So it's no secret that I really love this album and would recommend it to pretty much anyone who appreciates good music but there are a couple of minor issues here and there. For all the grandiose string/synth sections or lofty vocal performances from Tobias Forge or whatever the fuck title he's currently referring to himself as, the album sounds less like a Rock record and more like something from a broadway musical about the Phantom Of The Opera's neglected brother. This isn't a big problem for fans of that kind of music but it does create a few lulls for those who love the heavier tracks like "Miasma" and "Faith".
It's also quite possible that fans of Ghost's earlier work might not like the direction they're moving in, as their debut album contained more guitar-based Rock with lower production values. However, the lighter songs like "See The Light" and "Life Eternal" are still good, though. Plus the production and audio mix are exceptional, even if you're not stamping your foot or banging your head to the rhythm. It'd be hard to mark this album down based on that without sounding like a colossal tool; it'd be like criticising  TV shows because they've started using colour and stereo sound.
All in all, it's hard to criticise Prequelle for anything other than personal taste. I can't fault the album for its ambition, I can't fault it for its execution, I can't fault it for its technical quality, I can't fault it for its variety, I can't fault it for lacking a certain 'wow' factor and I certainly can't fault it for its lasting impression as I've been enjoying the singles from this album for over a month now. I rate it...you ready for this? 10/10! That's right, it's a brilliant album that you should all go and listen to. Apologies for the slightly shorter review but do you really want to read me banging on about how awesome this album is for another three paragraphs? Also, that time spent reading could've been time spent listening to Prequelle.

Well? What the fuck are you still doing here, GET ON SPOTIFY NOW!

Here Is The News: July 2018 Edition

We're back with more totally real news that hasn't been fabricated for comedic effect!

NEW ERIC CLAPTON GUITAR PEDAL SLAMMED FOR OFFENSIVE DESCRIPTION

Iconic guitarist Eric Clapton has come under fire this week for releasing a guitar effects pedal with a description fans and musicians alike have described as "shocking", "inflammatory" and "uncalled for". The description for the guitar effects pedal, named the "Smokey Lightning Fingers" pedal, reads "If you want to sound as electric as Slow Hands, you want this specially crafted guitar pedal that gets the job done without sounding too loud or aggressive". It goes on to say "Mr Clapton personally oversaw construction of the pedal and has given it his personal seal of approval".

Fans have criticised the pedal's description due to being far too outrageous for the kind of music they'd associate with Eric Clapton (pictured left), many of which took to Twitter to voice their opinions on the pedal's blurb. Some tweets by users who have been left anonymous include "I can't believe Eric Clapton allowed something so forceful to be attributed to his name. 'You want this'? Uhhh, anyone else getting sick of white guys telling us what we want?! #Boycott" and "Have you seen this new guitar pedal's description? 'Electric'? What year is this, is Clapton back on the coke?"

Fans weren't the only ones upset about Eric Clapton's new guitar pedal; musicians also took to Twitter to voice their distaste over the wording of the product. Joyless, generic Indie Pop outfit Braids posted from their account "I may not non-ironically listen to anything from before 2002 but I know that Eric Clapton clearly didn't consider the feelings of the easily upset before giving his 'seal of approval' to this peddle [sic]". Braids also blasted Clapton on stage at a gig in London to nearly two dozen people waiting for a better band to turn up.

In response to the viral outrage over yet another musician trying to do something harmless for their fans, audio equipment company TC Electronic have chosen to withdraw Clapton's guitar pedal from their online shop until further notice. When asked for comment, TC Electronic's spokesperson stated "The last thing we want to do when selling products is hurt anyone's feelings. After all, pushing boundaries and challenging established beliefs isn't what Rock is about; Rock is about playing it safe and appealing to as many demographics as possible, no matter how sensitive or previously indifferent".

Eric Clapton posted on his FaceBook page shortly after the news of the pedal's removal from the online shop dropped. The status update read "milk bread. order milk and bread. order milk an dbread online. how to odrer milk and bread online. best milk for back pain. how to you tube. www.youtube.com www.youtube.com duck videos". About twenty minutes later, Eric's daughter Kelly posted an update on her FaceBook page on behalf of her father that read "My dad is one of the most kind-hearted people on the face of the planet and would never knowingly cause such an outcry...well, apart from that time he reaffirmed his views about Enoch Powell and immigration in 2007. Apart from that, he's a good guy, I guess".

NEW TRAILER FOR ELO BIOPIC RELEASED

A brand new trailer for Out Of The Blue, a biopic about the band Electric Light Orchestra, has been released and is rapidly gaining attention on YouTube and social media. The film tells the exciting, emotional and action-packed story about Jeff Lynne, Roy Wood and the Electric Light Orchestra's career from the early 70s to present day with a splash of drama added to make the biopic more entertaining for general audiences, followed by gallons upon gallons of drama vigorously emptied on top in the hopes that it will earn an award along with a bunch of cash.

Roy Wood and Jeff Lynne (pictured left) were the founding members of the Electric Light Orchestra and are played by Jack Black and Chris Pratt respectively in the biopic. Some fans have criticised the casting but after seeing the pair in action in the two trailers, the general consensus is that the film will be nothing short of perfect. According to the film's director, the band's biography contains very little in the way of high-octane drama or heated conflicts that can be exploited for entertainment purposes so certain elements of the film had to be ever so slightly exaggerated if not completely fabricated.

The trailer featured the moment in which Jeff Lynne came up with the initial idea for the band's signature song after getting beaten up by street gangs and being left for dead in an alley, staring up at an absolutely spotless blue sky. It also boasted an impressive mash-up of some of the band's biggest hits such as "Don't Bring Me Down", "Hold On Tight" and "Turn To Stone", not to mention a superb use of "Evil Woman" during a scene in which Roy Wood and his wife indulged in an incredible, emotional night of passionate arguing.

When asked about why a large portion of the film's trailer appears to have nothing to do with the reality behind the band's history in a recent interview, the film's director stated "Sometimes, you have to supercharge the less interesting moments of a band's career. It doesn't matter if the story behind a band's most iconic song isn't that significant because the people filling up the cinema seats? Those fucking cattle? Those popcorn munching dipshits who went to see a film version of a band's rise to fame instead of watching factual TV interviews or, God forbid, reading up on it? They don't care about the truth; they care about emotional drama in a nostalgic backdrop so they can forget about how shit their lives are for two hours in a dark room surrounded by similar weepy idiots. Now what time does this interview start?" followed by 40 minutes of extensive backpedalling.

Out Of The Blue releases in two months time and is expected to perform favourably at the box office, despite being released alongside Cancer Babies, a gritty heartbreaking drama about hard-done-by women giving birth to infants stricken with cancer in the 70s...and the North.

KIRK HAMMETT TO FACE PEDAL ABUSE CHARGES

Metallica guitarist, Kirk Hammett, has been arrested on suspicion of abusing his wah-pedal for the last 35 years. The entire Metal community has rallied together to ensure Hammett is brought to justice for the way he's treated his guitar pedal during every one of his guitar solos ever since "Hit The Lights", not just the first song Metallica ever wrote and recorded together but also the first alarm bell that Kirk's wah-pedal was being abused.

Once news of Kirk's arrest was made public, Metallica posted a response on their website reading: "Whilst Kirk Hammett will always be part of the Metallica family, we in no way condone abuse and are sorry to any fans we may have offended due to our inaction over Kirk's continued abuse of his wah-pedal. We should have intervened when he kept his foot down on it during the "Dyer's Eve" solo and we definitely should have done more than simply masking the signs of abuse by fading out during the "Fade To Black" outro. From the bottom of our heart, we apologise to the entire Metallica family".

Hammett's crimes were only brought to the police after a coordinated effort by members of the Metallica dedicated fan forum, WeHateMetallica.net. A thread entitled "Anyone else find this a little disturbing?" that detailed multiple examples of abuse recorded on Metallica's albums in a supercut on Youtube rapidly gained steam, attaining over 200 posts within 24 hours. Many posts listed further examples of Hammett abusing his wah-pedal although the majority of posts by Metallica fans resorted to criticising Lars.

The Dunlop KH95 Kirk Hammett Signature Cry Baby wah-pedal (pictured right) is one of many victims that's dealt with Kirk's abuses over the years. In fact, after some research, devoted fans on WeHateMetallica.net uncovered video interviews where Kirk Hammett actually admitted to abusing up to three different wah-pedals simultaneously whilst recording the band's recent album, Hardwired... To Self-Destruct. However, after years of raising funds to hire a prosecutor, the fans were finally able to put together a case against Hammett. Forum mod MoProckzz posted "For too long now, effects pedals have felt Hammett's boot pressing down on them. With all of this evidence we've assembled, we're hoping that justice will finally be done" shortly before three pages of posts talking about Metallica haven't been a real band since ...And Justice For All.

The various effects pedals used by Hammett have been confiscated and taken to a local guitar technician to check for serious injuries although case notes shared on the forum seem to indicate that the trauma is more emotional than physical. One thing's for certain though: it'll be a while before Kirk Hammett abuses a guitar pedal again...at least a couple of months when the band go back on tour.


More news coming next month!

Showdown: Cover Versions, part 5

Part 5? Yeah, it's part 5.
More cover versions! This time, unlike the last two posts, we're going back to Rock/Metal covers of Rock/Metal/Pop songs; no WaveGroup covers this time. As always, I'll be writing about the original, then writing about the cover version before offering my verdict on which version is best and why. There's no real theme to this post. I'll try to pick famous cover versions or covers of famous songs (as usual) but other than putting the more well known covers first, it's a basically a free-for-all!
Also, underneath this post is an embedded Spotify playlist containing originals and covers so you can listen along if you want.

ROUND ONE: Bad Company
Bad Company - I think I've said this is "arguably" the band's signature song in the past but when your band literally shares the name of a song from an album that ALSO shares its name with the song, there's not really any argument to be had. It's a decent track, a little plain in comparison to some of their other tracks but if you want a vocally driven song with a catchy chorus and some nice piano melodies, look no further. It's just a shame the guitar solo in the outro is weak but you can't have everything.
Five Finger Death Punch - I'll admit that this song transitions well into a Five Finger Death Punch track and the band do a good job of knowing where to be heavy. The solo isn't as excessive as other contemporary Hard Rock/Metal covers (Black Label Society and Guns N' Roses could learn a thing or two) and this song has an actual outro instead of fading out during a solo. It's a great cover alright, although I'm still not entirely sold on it. Maybe I just dislike the sound of Five Finger Death Punch but even though I can't find anything wrong with it, I still don't want to listen to it again.
VERDICT - I'm really torn on this one because even though I'd rather listen to Bad Company's original, I feel like I have more positive things to say about Five Finger Death Punch's cover. I think I've got to go with my gut and say Bad Company take the win for having stronger (albeit fewer) positive aspects. Five Finger Death Punch still pulled out a great cover and it's not surprising that their version of this song is regarded to be one of their better tracks.

ROUND TWO: The Sound Of Silence
Simon & Garfunkel - As great as this song is, I feel like Arrested Development has kinda tainted it. I can't hear this song without thinking of "I've made a huge mistake" and Will Arnett but thankfully, those thoughts dissipate once the percussion comes in. Whilst this song might be overused in the media, it's still a brilliant vocally driven Classic Rock track. The lyrics were also referenced in "The Spirit Of Radio" - Rush ("and the words of the prophets were written on the studio walls, echoes with the sounds of salesmen") so it's got that going for it too.
Disturbed - Remember when the Internet went all fangirl over this cover as if it was the greatest fucking thing since that video of the cat saying "Oh long Johnson"? I'll admit, it starts off really well. The build up and use of piano to deliver the melody are fantastic, not to mention David Draiman's restrained vocals. However, there's something about this song that reminds me of those awful covers on The X Factor during "Rock week"; it just feels artificial, staged. Then it reaches the three minute mark and just becomes silly; Draiman starts growling and I completely lose interest. However, having listened to the whole song in one sitting after taking a break from the snippets I constantly used to hear over the radio, it's not bad.
VERDICT - Definitely Simon & Garfunkel. The introduction of percussion alone is better than any single part of the Disturbed cover and whilst Disturbed did try something interesting, I feel like they were just short of a perfect cover. But hey, at least I understand why people loved this cover so much now, even if I don't share the sentiment.

ROUND THREE: Am I Evil?
Diamond Head - There are many versions of this song but I think the one I prefer is the 1982 rerecording. You know, the one with the slightly slower intro (if it helps, I believe it was the one used in Guitar Hero: Metallica, NOT Brutal Legend). Anyway, the song is still awesome from start to finish. It's almost like an Ozzy-era Black Sabbath song but done properly, from the heavy "Evil" chords at the start to the chugging riff during the vocals. Easily the band's signature song and with songwriting talents like this, it's a shame we didn't get to see Diamond Head reach the heights of their contemporaries at the time.
Metallica - Metallica assembled and recorded many covers for Garage Inc. but arguably this is the most significant. They shot into the spotlight after playing a cover of "Am I Evil?" before they recorded Kill Em All and I've got to say, it's pretty damn good. They don't really change much about it yet successfully make the song sound like their own. It sounds like something they could have written themselves although if you heard the original first, you probably won't get much out of it.
VERDICT - Whilst it's not as night & day as the last round, the win goes to Diamond Head. Both versions are great and it probably depends on which one you heard first but in cases like this, I tend to favour the original. However, at least Metallica only have one official version of this track whereas Diamond Head have about three.

ROUND FOUR: Call Me The Breeze
J.J. Cale - This is a nice, easy going Blues Rock track by the guy Eric 'Boring' Clapton wishes he could've been. It's a fairly short little tune with a simple guitar solo and vocals throughout; nothing imposing and it fades out during the outro. Other than that, there's not really a lot to comment on. Moving on!
Lynyrd Skynyrd - I think a lot of people incorrectly assume this is a Skynyrd original in the same way people assume "Cocaine" is a Clapton original (it isn't and unsurprisingly, J.J. Cale's is much better). Lynyrd Skynyrd took the original and turned it ALL THE WAY up with a tasty guitar AND piano solo, not to mention brass accompaniment and an actual outro (which is pretty rare for Skynyrd's bigger songs). Every aspect of this song is better...so guess who's getting the win.
VERDICT - Lynyrd Skynyrd take a well deserved win right here. However, if we were comparing the J.J. Cale original with the Eric 'Boring' Clapton cover from a few years ago, J.J. would be taking home the win without a doubt.

ROUND FIVE: All Along The Watchtower
Bob Dylan - Did you know that this song was a Bob Dylan track before Hendrix covered it? I mean, you do if you played Guitar Hero 5 but yeah, here it is! Bob Dylan sounds like a comedian doing a Bob Dylan impression and the harmonica throughout gets annoying pretty fucking quickly. As for the acoustic guitar, it's basically an afterthought. In other words, this song is a little shitty although if you prefer Folk to Rock, you'll probably love it.
Jimi Hendrix - Arguably Hendrix's signature song and it isn't even his. However, the changes made to the overall structure and addition of all the guitar solos (not to mention Jimi's far superior vocal range) turn this into an iconic Rock song. Whilst I'm not hugely into the track in comparison to some of his other well known songs like "Castles Made Of Sand" and "Hey Joe", you can't deny that the opening chords that flow into the first guitar solo are just perfect.
VERDICT - Easily a win for Jimi Hendrix. Despite having a slower tempo and lasting a lot longer than the original, it's a straight up classic whilst the original deserves to fade into obscurity.

ROUND SIX: Back In Black
AC/DC - After Bon Scott died and the band found a replacement in the form of Brian Johnson, AC/DC wanted to come back with a powerful Rock anthem to show fans that they were still a pure Hard Rock machine. The band chose wisely with this song containing a wealth of epic riffs, sweet solos and raw vocals and whilst Bon Scott was truly the better vocalist, Brian's voice was at its finest at the start of his lengthy stretch with the band.
Living Colour - So you might be wondering why I chose this song/cover. To me, "Back In Black" is one of those iconic Rock songs that people will ALWAYS associate with AC/DC and to cover it is inviting disappointment...until I heard Living Colour try it. The guitar is spot on throughout and whilst the vocals get a little too screechy, I wanted to include this track in the list as a way of showing that good covers of this song can exist, not just tacky ones of AC/DC tracks that existed as alternatives to the original before the band became available on Spotify.
VERDICT - Even though I like the Living Colour version, I think we all agree that AC/DC knocked it out of the park with this track. If Living Colour's vocals weren't so abrasive, they may have taken home the win here but alas, it wasn't to be.

ROUND SEVEN: Helter Skelter
The Beatles - Music historians cite this song as one of the earliest influences for the Heavy Metal genre and whilst I can agree with that statement, anyone who calls this song Heavy Metal is a fucking idiot. At best, it's Hard Rock although even by Deep Purple standards, it's more like 60s Garage. Anyway, this song was about as heavy as The Beatles got with clashing symbols, screeching vocals and chugging guitar riffs. It's a decent track although not exactly in the band's wheelhouse. That being said, I'll take it over their trippy, psychedelic, circus nonsense.
Motley Crue - Fun fact: Motley Crue also toyed with the idea of recording a cover of "Paperback Writer", the far greater Beatles song, and did play that track live a few times. However, between the two songs, I'm glad "Helter Skelter" got the studio treatment. The Crue took the blueprints for a fine Hard Rock song and beefed it up a bit, transforming it into a decent Hair/Heavy Metal tune. It's just a shame that the lyrics about going down slides don't really make the same transition as the music.
VERDICT - Whilst I'd obviously pick The Beatles over Motley Crue for overall strength of music, I'm giving the win to Motley Crue here. Heavier song needs heavier music and The Beatles just fell a little short, although they came damn close to writing a full on Hard Rock song. Maybe in an alternate timeline where they kept going long after 1970, the band rerecorded it with the necessary power it deserves. However, until interdimensional travel exists, at least we've got Motley Crue's version.

ROUND EIGHT: Oops I Did It Again
Britney Spears - For years, I thought this and "...Baby One More Time" were the exact same song. Ya know, because they sound identical. Anyway, apparently this is a different song that uses other words? Either way, it's still a generic Pop song with piano chords, basic percussion, lyrics designed by a committee to make teenage girls want to be her and horny dads want to fuck her. Whilst I'm generally not a fan of Pop music (or Britney Spears), this song certainly isn't "Toxic".
Children Of Bodom - Children Of Bodom have done some great little covers over their years but I think this is the one that everyone knows.  A Melodic Death Metal cover of a Pop song. Vocally, this song is absolute shite outside of the chorus although I'm guessing that's kinda the point; it feels like it was performed sarcastically and you know what? I can dig that. Musically, it's one of the lesser Children Of Bodom tracks but they still managed to fit a solid guitar solo into it.
VERDICT - Children Of Bodom did something fun and unique with a bland song so they deserve a win. I also recommend their covers album Skeletons In The Closet if you want some other decent tunes of theirs, provided you like Melodic Death Metal.

ROUND NINE: Smoke On The Water
Deep Purple - One of the most iconic guitar riffs of all time and also one of the most basic Deep Purple/Richie Blackmore songs. Admittedly, it's a pretty great riff and there are some decent Ian Gillan vocals but other than that, it's an underperforming Hard Rock track. Weak guitar solo and goes on way too long but it's still an OK song if you haven't heard many other Deep Purple tunes. However, I bet there are bands who could do a fantastic cover of this song...
The Flaming Lips - ...just not these guys. If you haven't heard The Flaming Lips cover of "Smoke On The Water", part of me wants to recommend it just to hear how fucking terrible it is. It's the height of experimental hipster shit and once those vocals come in, you know you're in for something terrible. Similar to the Children Of Bodom song, this feels like a piss-take although unlike their Britney Spears cover, this just sounds awful.
VERDICT - I picked this song because I knew The Flaming Lips did a shite cover that you needed to know about. Obviously Deep Purple get the win and OK, maybe this entry is a little one sided so in the interest of balance, let's have a well known song with an amazing cover.

ROUND TEN: Cheap Sunglasses
ZZ Top - If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll probably know my opinion of "Cheap Sunglasses" and indeed, early ZZ Top. Great songs but absolutely terrible mixes; flatter than day old coke and in dire need of a remaster. However, ignoring technical flaws, the song's bloody good. Great riffs, fun lyrics and a decent solo; an awesome Blues Rock track. If the mix was better, this would be the perfect Rock song.
The Sword - Now THIS is what I'm talking about. Proper dynamics whilst still keeping the grit and Blues aspects. Granted it's more like Heavy Metal than Hard Rock now but The Sword have taken this song and ramped it up. Hopefully ZZ Top will hear this and be inspired to rerecord/remaster their back catalogue one day. The Sword have also done a smashing cover of "Cold Sweat" - Thin Lizzy although because that was a B-side to one of their singles, it's harder to find online.
VERDICT - Definitely The Sword although I still like ZZ Top's original a lot.


As stated above, here's a Spotify playlist of all the songs discussed in this post so you can listen along and decide whether I'm making some good points or are just completely full of shit...or ya know, somewhere in the middle.