Tenology: Weak Remixes from Super Smash Bros.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has taken up a lot of my time this month so I thought I'd better write a blog post about the music throughout the series. However, since I've already written about some of my favourite Smash Bros. remixes in the past, this blog post is dedicated to some of the less impressive tunes made specifically for games in the Super Smash Bros. series.
Yes, even though the majority of songs are great, there are a couple of tracks that either contain Axls or just completely get it wrong. I've also added a few tunes that might be good but could've been even better if they just changed a few things around, since there aren't a huge amount of terrible Smash Bros. tracks.


1. Tal Tal Heights - Legend Of Zelda (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

This track probably should've been on Bridge Of Eldin but meh, Pirate Ship's fine I guess

I like the Tal Tal Heights theme but boy, was I disappointed with this remix. First of all, the synth and electronic sound effects make it sound like it belongs in Star Fox, not Legend Of Zelda. Second, the actual tune from Tal Tal Heights features in a very small portion of the actual track. Most of the melody is the standard Legend Of Zelda theme reworked and some jazzed up key changed bollocks. Overall, it's not a great tune for those who were looking forward to hearing a proper remix of Tal Tal Heights compared to the naff 8-bit original.


2. Main Theme (Metroid) - Metroid (Super Smash Bros. Brawl)

Easily the best Metroid stage in Smash...although Frigate Orpheon's good too

I've started this blog post off with some of the better bad remixes, if that makes sense. The Rock version of the Metroid theme contains a pretty sweet guitar solo, an appropriately used synth melody and a great arrangement throughout. However, there is one glaring Axl that prevents it from being a song I frequently listen to in-game; that cringe-worthy vocal intro. "SAMUS IS UNDER FIRE! SHE'S SENT AN EMERGENCY DIRECTIVE! JOIN THE FIGHT!". Oh man, it just sounds so out of place and unintentionally dorky. It ruins an otherwise awesome rerecording.


3. Magicant / Eight Melodies - Earthbound (Super Smash Bros. for 3DS/Wii U)

Still beats New Pork City!

I've never really cared for the Smash Bros. remixes of Earthbound music, although I've never given much time to the original music from Earthbound either. However, despite being a cute little stage, Magicant contains one of the more boring tracks to fight to in Smash Bros history. Smiles And Tears isn't that much better but this definitely feels like the less interesting track, especially when you consider that better remixes of Earthbound music to fight to DO exist! This stage needed a more upbeat track, similar to how Temple contained the spicy Fire Emblem tune as well as the slower Zelda one.


4. Flat Zone 2 - Mr. Game And Watch

Feed 'em to the lions!

The original Flat Zone melody from Super Smash Bros. Melee was kooky and neat for the odd stage but this shrill, awful attempt at using Game & Watch sounds to create a catchy melody is fucking terrible. You know how Mr. Game & Watch has that loud, annoying phone ringing noise as two taunts? Imagine that as a whole song but with some bland musical accompaniments thrown in too. Yeah, you're better off with the various Dr. Mario remixes here.


5. Rosalina In The Observatory / Luma's Theme - Mario

So many great tracks missing from this stage...

Ready to stop caring about what I have to say? Here goes: I don't like Mario music. The Ground Theme, the Underwater Theme, Super Mario World music, I don't like any of it. Consequently, I was really excited to hear great tunes from Super Mario Galaxy on this stage...until they ruined this one. I like the original versions of Rosalina In The Observatory from Super Mario Galaxy, even when they become grander and grander after obtaining more stars throughout the game. However, this remix sounds TOO grand and over the top. The use of brass for the main melody makes it sound like circus music rather than a cosmic waltz, although I can't fault them for trying to make the original music more appropriate for Smash Bros.


6. Pac-Man (Club Mix) - Pac-Man

Rest in Peace, Pac Maze

Just...why? Why does this tune exist? We already have a great Pac-Man remix, why does it need a Club Mix? OK, they needed two tunes for the Pac Maze stage in the 3DS Smash Bros but you had the Pac-Man's Park / Block Town tune that would've worked a hell of a lot better! Maybe they just wanted another melody that contained iconic tunes from the original Pac-Man but they could've done better than a shitty Club Mix, although perhaps I'm biased due to my musical taste.


7. Saria's Song / Middle Boss Battle - Legend Of Zelda

Another Zelda entry? Pfft, and I call myself a fan!

I've talked about how Smash Bros keeps awkwardly blending great tunes from The Legend Of Zelda with boss battle themes and it Never. Sounds. Good. Song Of Storms was great until Ganondorf's Theme was shoehorned in, Ballad Of The Goddess was awesome until Ghirahim's Theme was pointlessly crammed in and now Saria's Song, a lovely tune that sounds pretty naff in this remix alone, has been tainted by the synthy mess of the Middle Boss Battle theme from Ocarina Of Time. Just a truly shit piece of music.


8. Freakyforms: Your Creations, Alive! Medley - Freakyforms

Rest in Piss, Miiverse

There are some great little Nintendo titles to pick music from (still waiting for some Professor Layton tunes, even if Nintendo don't necessarily own the rights to a game that has only ever appeared on Nintendo consoles) but this definitely isn't one of them. It sounds like a worse version of the music from Tearaway but at least it improves a little once the guitars come in. It's just a shame that to get there, you have to listen to plinky plonky noise totally out of place on a Smash Bros fighting stage.


9. Main Theme (New Super Mario Bros.) - Mario

Yup, new Mario Bros music fucking sucks

Remember earlier on when I talked about how much I hate music from Mario Bros platformers? Yeah, this is a good example of why. Ignoring the silly sound effects and boring instrumentation, the thing I hate most about the music in New Super Mario Bros. (and other variants) is the "BA-BAAA" vocals throughout. A bunch of original Mario tracks in Super Smash Bros. for Wii U contain these annoying little vocal "BA"s and I fucking hate them. I don't know why, I just can't stand them and hate the songs that contain them. Fortunately, it's easier for me to convince people that this tune sucks because the rest of the music isn't great either.


10. The Roost - Animal Crossing

Oh hey again, Sonic and Lucario!

Whilst it's not godawful like some of the remixes on this post, The Roost doesn't belong in a Smash Bros game. In fact, even the game's director (Masahiro Sakurai), when commenting on how music for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was chosen based on how good they are to fight to, cited The Roost as a piece of music that didn't fit the gameplay...and yet it was brought back for Super Smash. Bros Ultimate! It's a nice tune to listen to but if it had to have some use in-game, it should've been used as part of a medley or during a rest section in the game's Adventure Mode or something other than a stage track.


COMING SOON: Probably a blog post about my favourite pieces of music from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, although not until the new year.

The Music Made Me Do It - Ted Nugent

Did you know that Crazy Ted Nugent released an album this year? Yeah, he took a break from ranting about politics and generally being a trashy person to make some music again. Now we're all here to see what I thought of it!

If there's one motto I try to stick to whenever reviewing or discussing outspoken individuals in the world of Rock/Metal, it's "Judge a person by their personality and a musician by their music". In other words, regardless of how big a tosser or saint someone is in real life, your opinion of that person shouldn't affect your enjoyment of their craft as an artist. It's OK to like an album by a dickhead or, vice verse, hate an album by a genuinely decent person. However, it's always nice when the stars align and you can talk about how terrible an album by a piece of shit is...sadly, this isn't necessarily one of those times.
The Music Made Me Do It (which is probably going to be Ted's defence when he's arrested for shooting black people in a few years) is as bland and lacking in originality as you'd expect a 2018 album by Ted Nugent to be but unfortunately, it doesn't reach the point where as a casual critic you feel like you can justifiably rip it to pieces. It's got some solid riffs and solos here and there, almost certainly enough to get the average Rock fan's foot tapping along to several songs. A good example of this is the album opener and title track, "The Music Made Me Do It". It kicks things off with a bang and proves that Ted can still play guitar to a decent degree.
Not only that but the improvements in modern recording technology make the music sound cleaner and the riffs stand out more, something Ted was presumably happy with instead of choosing to put in the effort to make the material sound raw and untamed like his earlier records. Funny how Ted's willing to change with the times in some areas, huh. Anyway, the positives don't stop there. There's a good amount of musical variety for those who like slower acoustic ballads that still Rock ("Fred Bear") and faster Blues Rock numbers that maybe should've lasted a little longer ("Bigfundirtygroovenoize"), not to mention standard Hard Rock songs we've come to know Ted Nugent for ("Where Ya Gonna Run To Get Away From Yourself").

However, as I mentioned earlier, the lack of imagination in some of the songs really is telling. Ted's choice to write shorter Blues Rock tracks that rely on repetitive lyrics and riffs ("I Love Ya Too Much Baby") feels more like he couldn't be bothered to come up with a full-length track so chose to whack out generic boogie-woogie rather than spend a couple of extra hours penning a proper song. This might sound like I'm being too judgemental but when you factor in the fact that Ted's straight up copied his previous material on multiple occasions, the argument suddenly becomes a lot stronger.
Oh yes, Ted has absolutely phoned it in after realising that being out of the game for so many years tends to dry up the well of creativity. "Cocked, Locked & Ready To Rock" might sound familiar to fans of his earlier work because it quite literally copies the riffs, structure and even vocal melodies for "Stormtroopin'", a much better song from his self-titled debut that doesn't contain lyrics like "It's time to make a stand, it's time to put a gun in your hand", and tweaks them just enough to justify calling it a new song. Then there's "Backstrap Fever", a rerecording of "Cat Scratch Fever" but with altered lyrics, a slightly faster tempo and more refined riffing. Admittedly, this does result in a better song than "Cat Scratch Fever" though.
Finally, the album closer "Sunrize Fender (Fender Bass VI Solo)" is an extended version of the previous track, "Sunrize", but with different instrumentation. "Sunrize" is a great Rock instrumental that would've been the perfect album closer whereas "Sunrize Fender (Fender Bass VI Solo)" should've been a bonus track on the regular or special edition. However, since it's track 10 on a 37 minute album, it implies that Ted wanted it to be a proper song on the album. If he extended some of the shorter tunes and maybe added one or two more songs, it wouldn't have been an issue but this feels cynical. Either Ted couldn't be bothered to write more music or he was simply unable to, resulting in a smaller package that lacks the same power as contemporary Hard Rock records.
Basically, what I'm saying is Ted Nugent can't do a lot with his little package.

The Music Made Me Do It answers all of the questions you could possibly want to ask about a new Ted Nugent album. Ted can still play guitar and he knows how to write a passable Hard Rock song, although he can't keep all of his idiotic politics out of his music ("I Just Wanna Go Huntin"). He also still can't write music with any real depth to it or lasting appeal aside from good riffs/technically proficient solos. Fans of his earlier material might like some of the tracks but all in all, the album doesn't do enough to convince me that Ted Nugent should keep writing music. His best work already exists and anything else he comes out with is either generic or a rehash of his better songs from the late 70s.
I wasn't expecting a magnum opus, since Ted's claimed that this album basically came about through jam sessions, but it could've done with more time in the oven before being served. I rate it 4/10 but if Ted put more effort into some of the material, maybe it could've been a 6...or maybe the music is subconsciously making me think that Ted Nugent's mediocre work is actually great and that his politics are spot on, although I doubt that.

COMING SOON: A blog post about ten anti-Mexican and pro-arming our nation's children songs!

Guitar Hero (1)

We're finally here! The game that started it all AND the second worst Guitar Hero game in existence (after Guitar Hero: Live). It's also the only classic era Guitar Hero game I never purchased, although I have played it. The soundtrack may contain some absolute belters (albeit in the form of WaveGroup covers) but the game's engine was horrifically bad compared to later games.
However, is the soundtrack great overall or is this game truly just a piece of shit that's only decent contribution to rhythm music games was that it inspired a string of much better titles to exist? Let's find out! Similar to previous Guitar Hero and Rock Band posts, I'll be looking at all the songs on the main setlist before awarding a Thumbs Up/Down to each track based on my personal opinion of the song/cover, whether or not it's a fun chart and whether it belongs in the game.

"Ace Of Spades" - Motorhead
Decent choice of song for a game about playing Rock/Metal songs on a plastic guitar shaped controller! It's got an iconic riff, a fun solo and it packs a punch every time you listen to it. Whilst every chart is awkward as hell to play in GH1, the actual chart itself is pretty good (albeit a little under and overcharted at times). However, ignoring the vocalist's inability to come close to Lemmy, the big difference between this cover and the original is the outro solo here. The original ends pretty well but this version bursts into a furious solo, even if you don't exactly play it in this chart. However, can't fault them for trying to make the song better; whether or not they succeeded is up to you! It's still getting a THUMBS UP from me, though.

"Bark At The Moon" - Ozzy Osbourne
The final song in the game with two challenging solos (even if the second one is undercharted) and a pretty tricky series of strumming riffs throughout. It's definitely a great choice for the game's final boss and as far as WaveGroup covers go, it's pretty good! I think I actually prefer the vocalist in the cover to Ozzy. THUMBS UP for having a fun chart when taken out of the game's terrible engine (getting sick of hearing me say that yet?).

"Cochise" - Audioslave
Man, that riff is awesome. I'm surprised this song hasn't been rereleased as GH/RB DLC. I mean, sure it has some annoying rapid strumming sections here and there but overall, it's a track with some decent variety and a great rockin' sound. When picking modern Rock songs for the game (since the setlist can't all be 70s/80s classics), Harmonix were right to choose tracks like this instead of generic whiny modern songs that would plague latter GH games. THUMBS UP.

"Cowboys From Hell" - Pantera
The hits keep coming! Signature song by a popular 90s Metal band? Check! Great riffs and a fun chart throughout? Check. Brilliant cover with spot-on vocals and pretty damn impressive guitar? Check!! The perfect song for this game, even if I'm not the biggest Pantera fan. THUMBS UP.

"Crossroads" - Cream
Of all the Cream songs to pick for Guitar Hero, this has to be one of the better ones. Good riff and fun solos in an upbeat Blues Rock track. It's also notable as one of the few Cream songs in GH due to Eric Boring Clapton being a dumbass. Fortunately, it's a good one and much better than "Sunshine Of Your Love" from GH3. THUMBS UP.

"Fat Lip" - Sum 41
Most of the songs so far have been pretty challenging on guitar so it's good to see that even the songs with easier difficulties are still bangers! More great riffs from one of Sum 41's better known songs; another that's absolutely perfect for the game. For the first game in the series, "Fat Lip" is a better choice than "In Too Deep", "Still Waiting", "The Hell Song" or any other classics by the band so guess what? Another THUMBS UP!

"Frankenstein" - The Edgar Winter Group
Jesus, this is shaping up to be one of the best setlists ever! It might not be a well known song but it's definitely a well known riff; the fact that it happens to have a really fun chart too is just icing on the cake. Now that the song's come out as Rock Band DLC, we know that most of the guitar in the chart is actually synth but hey, I'm OK with that if the chart is this fun and if you can imagine it being played on guitar. THUMBS UP.

"Godzilla" - Blue Oyster Cult
You'd think that "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" would be the obvious choice or even "Burning For You" but nope, Harmonix picked the song with the better guitar throughout! They even got WaveGroup to play the bass solo on guitar to add more to the chart and here's the kicker; it doesn't sound that bad! Fun to play, great to listen to and even if it's not the band's most well known song, it's still a fan favourite and totally appropriate for this game. THUMBS UP.

"Heart Full Of Black" - Burning Brides
When I first saw this band and song title, I thought this'd be some kind of MCR teenage bollocks but it turns out it's not! It's modern Alternative Rock, kinda like 00s Pearl Jam! Guitar chart's decent, nothing too hard but fun for the appropriate difficulty tier. You could argue that a more well known Rock song would be better but personally, I like discovering new music from these games, especially when the songs are as good as this one! THUMBS UP.

"Hey You" - The Exies
Another modern song and whilst it's not a great song for Guitar Hero: Smash Hits, it's a solid choice for GH1. Some fun variety in the chart and musical style with great riffs popping up here and there. It arguably should've been a bonus song but I can't think of a modern Rock song that'd be a better main setlist choice off the top of my head right now so THUMBS UP.

"Higher Ground" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Another questionable choice from the band that gave us "Under The Bridge" and "Can't Stop" but since this game was released before Stadium Arcadium came out, I can understand Harmonix picking this track for a fun guitar song. This Stevie Wonder cover is still a popular track by the band and you better believe the chart is fun too. THUMBS UP.

"I Love Rock 'N Roll" - Joan Jett And The Blackhearts
Normally, I'd say this song is basic and dull on guitar...but it's also well known and a perfect track to start with when beginning the game's career mode. Plus, the cover quality's actually pretty awesome. Vocals are spot on and the guitar sounds heavier than the original so all in all, a good pick!  I feel like I'm saying the same thing over and over again but to be honest, I'm genuinely surprised at how much I'm liking this setlist. There's got to be a bad song coming sooner or later but until then THUMBS UP.

"I Wanna Be Sedated" - Ramones
Here we go, our first bad song choice! Ramones songs have no place in a game about fun guitar songs as most of their tracks are just chords and strumming, "I Wanna Be Sedated" being no exception. I can understand the desire to put some Punk in the game to represent a variety of Rock subgenres but I'd argue there are still better song choices. "Ever Fallen In Love" - Buzzcocks is a good example, as there are chords/strumming but also some fun HOPO riffs. Plus, there aren't pathetic "guitar solos" in that song so yeah, should've gone with something else. THUMBS DOWN.

"Infected" - Bad Religion
As far as generic Rock songs go, this one ticks a lot of boxes. Not a lot going on on guitar until a mini solo that looks kinda fun although it's not enough to make up for this bland not-Grunge song. Again, there are plenty of great Grunge or Hard Rock songs that would've been better than this track that I'll probably struggle to remember this time tomorrow. THUMBS DOWN.

"Iron Man" - Black Sabbath
Back to the good songs again! If you're going to get a Black Sabbath song for the first game of your Rock/Metal based rhythm music series, "Iron Man" is probably the best choice; that or "Paranoid". Iconic riffs throughout, fun solo and a damn fine cover version, complete with the "IIII, AAAM, IIIRON MAAAN" intro spoken through the fan. One of the highlights from GH1 in my opinion. THUMBS UP.

"Killer Queen" - Queen
I mean, I like Queen but...why? Of all the Queen songs with great guitar riffs and solos, why did they pick Killer Queen, a song that's driven by vocals and piano? There are countless other Queen songs they could've picked, even if they did nail the guitar for this one. However, since this should've been DLC at a later date instead of an on-disc track for TWO GH games (as well as DLC!), it gets a THUMBS DOWN.

"More Than A Feeling" - Boston
Regular readers of my blog will know that I'm a big fan of Boston's debut album and, by extension, this song. Of course it belongs in the game and of course it's getting a THUMBS UP so let's talk about the quality of the chart and cover. Well, the chart's acceptable for the game and the cover not only nails the guitar but also Brad Delp's vocals. So yeah, definitely a strong choice!

"No One Knows" - Queens Of The Stone Age
Another modern Rock song, this time one that's more well known. It's probably the best QOTSA song they could've picked for the game, since Era Vulgaris wouldn't have come out yet and it beats most of the band's other material as far as fun guitar charts go. Speaking of fun guitar charts, this one is great! Some challenging chord strumming patterns if you're not that good at the game but otherwise, it's a real treat. THUMBS UP.

"Sharp Dressed Man" - ZZ Top
Probably a bit of an obvious choice for ZZ Top ("Cheap Sunglasses" would've been amazing) but you know, it's one of their signature songs and it's got a solid riff so it makes sense to choose this track. Unfortunately, the rest of the chart is kinda dull; boring solos and repetitive riffs can't be saved by a logical track choice, even if they have to spice things up with an outro solo (and even that's a little tame). THUMBS DOWN.

"Smoke On The Water" - Deep Purple
Again, a sensible choice for a classic guitar riff and easy song to feature early on in the game but the chart's nothing special...at least until the solos, anyway. Plus, the cover's a bit crap too; that vocalist has got nothing on Mk II Ian Gillan. All in all, it's a mediocre track, a passable chart and a cruddy cover. Whilst I approve of the song choice and the charting part of the execution, the song cover itself needed to be better to earn a secure Thumbs Up. However, since 2 positives beat 1 negative, it still gets a THUMBS UP.

"Spanish Castle Magic" - The Jimi Hendrix Experience
I think I've talked about the story behind this song before but basically, the Hendrix estate (before they completely sold out) didn't want anyone other than Hendrix to be portrayed as singing a Hendrix song...so when WaveGroup recorded this cover version, they did it as an instrumental instead of using the original's vocals. I'm guessing that's why this song was picked instead of one of his better known tracks; people won't complain about it if they haven't heard it. Fortunately, the song still works without vocals so THUMBS UP for ingenuity in the face of money-grabbing arseholes.

"Stellar" - Incubus
Eww, no. Boring song, dull chart, crap choice for an Incubus track. THUMBS DOWN.

"Symphony Of Destruction" - Megadeth
I suppose if you're going to pick a Megadeth song for a game with a broken engine, it's better that you choose a relatively easy one in comparison to some of their better known shredders. Can you fucking imagine if "Holy Wars... The Punishment Due" or "Devils Island" was in GH1? At least players will have a chance of beating the game if a song like "Symphony Of Destruction", also a well known Megadeth track, is on the setlist. Plus, it's a fun chart and good cover too! THUMBS UP.

"Take It Off" - The Donnas
Another one of the game's lesser known modern Rock songs although at least this one's quite fun to play. A surprisingly challenging one, too! My policy with lesser known modern Rock songs in these games basically comes down to whether or not it's fun to play and good to listen to, since there's no point dwelling on a better replacement when it's already a decent track and clearly picked to balance out the setlist without costing too much in music licensing. Since this one's a good choice, it gets a THUMBS UP.

"Take Me Out" - Franz Ferdinand
Meh, I was never a big fan of this song. It's OK, I guess, but I never would've picked it to be a song in a Guitar Hero game. However, there are plenty of songs I wouldn't have picked that turned out to be fun tracks to play and this is one of them. It's got a solid strum based chart with some fun little riffs here and there, making it a good song choice for the game's earlier difficulty tiers. Ah what the hell, THUMBS UP.

"Texas Flood" - Stevie Ray Vaughan
OK, I'll try my best to explain my reasoning here but basically, I'm giving this one a THUMBS DOWN. Firstly, I don't care for the song. It's a dull Blues Rock track and it's not one that I care to listen to, even if there's an active chart. Secondly, it might be a fun chart but it has to be undercharted for Guitar Hero's terrible engine, making it a waste of a great chart. Granted other songs had to be undercharted too but it feels like this song had a bit more than some of the others...plus, as I said already, I don't really like the song. I probably would've liked it more if it appeared in a different GH game but not GH1.

"Thunder Kiss '65" - White Zombie
Damn, the guitar and vocalist sound pretty damn good. This is a fairly well known Metal track but nowhere near the calibre of some tracks in this game. It is, however, fun on guitar and one that a lot of players probably will have heard for the first time, so that's good. THUMBS UP.

"Unsung" - Helmet
A sort of popular track from the 90s for some reason. I can imagine this song in Guitar Hero 2 but for some reason, it feels like a shitty choice for GH1. Maybe because it's mostly chords and strumming, maybe because it's a fairly unimaginative song that sounds like it belongs in a video game during a boss battle but either way, it gets a THUMBS DOWN.

"You've Got Another Things Comin'" - Judas Priest
If you're going to include Judas Priest in a rhythm music game, it's got to count. They have some amazing songs and this ain't one of them! It might come from a brilliant album but even if you want an easy Judas Priest track for the game's earlier difficulty tiers, "Breaking The Law" is the way to go. Still, could be worse. It could be "Living After Midnight", which would've certainly given this song a Thumbs Down. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, THUMBS DOWN.

"Ziggy Stardust" - David Bowie
The final song (alphabetically speaking) and it's good! Guitar chart is awesome and even if the vocals are...well, off, it contains plenty for the guitarist to get stuck into. They even added an extra guitar solo that caught a lot of people off guard when the master recording came to Rock Band. Much like the "All The Young Dudes" cover from Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, the WaveGroup solo actually fits perfectly with the song and arguably improves it in many ways. Definitely a THUMBS UP for picking and improving the best Bowie song for the game.


I genuinely didn't think the score would be this one sided but with 22 Thumbs Up to 8 Thumbs Down, this has to be one of the stronger setlists I've discussed (if you look at the overall percentage of Thumbs Up, that is). However, this setlist only has 30 songs so when you compare that to the 83-93 songs from later GH/RB games, it's no wonder there are so many hits here. Guitar Hero 1 has a great setlist and even though there were a few missteps here and there, it's good to know that there was at least one overwhelming positive about the first game.

Tenology: Songs That Haven't Aged Well

Kicking things off in December is a blog post looking at ten Rock/Metal songs containing lyrics that probably wouldn't fly if released in 2018. These politically incorrect lyrics might not be overtly racist or sexist in their themes but they definitely contain lines that would trigger certain individuals, and with good reason too; after all, the past is a foreign country but unlike how we'd treat foreign countries and cultures now, let's take a humorous look at some of these offensive lines from songs you thought you loved before you realised just how horrible and tasteless some of the words were!

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog post will contain examples of...
Xenophobia
Homophobia
Sexism
Racism
Toxic masculinity/male privilege
And some lesser offences.


1. "Every Picture Tells A Story" - Rod Stewart

"The women I've known I wouldn't let tie my shoe,
They wouldn't give you the time of day,
But the slit-eyed lady knocked me off my feet,
God, I was glad I found her".

The story told in this picture is OFFENSIVE DEPICTIONS OF ASIAN PEOPLE!!!

I love this song for its great guitar-based melody and occasionally witty lyrics, although the lines about the "slit-eyed lady" in this song about a guy travelling the world just to get his end away don't do the track any favours. You could argue that Rod's singing it from the perspective of a young lad who still has a lot to learn about women and life, hence the ignorant views of the world, but at the end of the day, the repeated use of "slit-eyed lady" even after the character's found true love suggests it's not that simple. Factor in that Rod's actually started omitting lines about the Asian female during live performance and you've got a track that even the writer believes hasn't aged well, which is saying something considering that people generally get more racist as they grow old.


2. "Money For Nothing" - Dire Straits

"The little faggot with the earring and the makeup,
Yeah buddy, that's his own hair,
That little faggot got his own jet airplane,
That little faggot he's a millionaire".

The only thing you're getting for nothing in this song is HOMOPHOBIA!!!

Even if this song wasn't eight minutes long, there's no doubt in my mind that the verse about the "faggot" on TV would be cut or at least changed in live/radio play. Mark Knopfler has previously defended the lyric, stating that it's not coming from his perspective as a vocalist but rather the character's perspective in the song; a working man who says it how it is, even if that means using derogatory language. After years of controversy, Mark's changed the lyric to "Queenie" but you could still argue that the notion of a guy wearing earrings and makeup automatically making him homosexual is offensive in its own way. Thankfully, there are multiple edits of this track that remove that lyric so modern listeners who may not have heard the original lyrics can still enjoy the awesome guitar riffs and chorus without being subjected to hate.


3. "God & Guns" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

"God and guns keep us strong,
That's what this country was founded on".

Not exactly a form of prejudice but I don't see as many people cheering for this in 2018

Some people have assumed that "Gimme Back My Bullets" was Lynyrd Skynyrd's attempt at firing back against gun control, although that song was largely in reference to their chart positions with single releases. However, there's no doubt whatsoever that "God & Guns" is the band (not a character, the band themselves) showing full support of Christianity and the right to own things that are literally built to kill people. A decade ago, this song probably didn't raise many eyebrows when it was released. However, flash forward to 2018 where a school shooting happens every week in America and suddenly, the lyrics don't seem that persuasive. They come across as ignorant and repetitive due to lack of convincing arguments for owning firearms, although the music's good.


4. "Don't Try Suicide" - Queen

"Don't try suicide, nobody's worth it,
Don't try suicide, nobody cares".

Yeah, I don't think this one was ever considered for Bohemian Rhapsody...

Of all the songs in this list, "Don't Try Suicide" is the only one that hasn't aged well due to the lyrics AND music. The lyrics may be anti-suicide, which is fine, but the music and bouncing vocal melody of "Don't try suicide" is far too jolly and upbeat for a topic that many nowadays would consider the result of serious mental illness. There's also the blunt nature of the lyrics, claiming that "Nobody gives a damn" if you kill yourself. Whilst I can understand the reverse-psychology nature of the lyrics, surely someone in the band must've pointed out that telling someone who potentially wants to end their own life that they're worthless and unloved is a terrible idea.


5. "Illegal Alien" - Genesis

"The sun is shining so I head for the park,
With a bottle of Tequila and a new pack of cigarettes".

Back to the offensive lyrics with a hot batch of RACIAL STEREOTYPING!!!

There are a few lyrics I could've picked to demonstrate how poorly this song has aged but to me, the ones in the first verse do a good job. All the way through this song about a Mexican fellow who's decided to sneak across the border, Phil Collins sings with a noticeable accent that comes across as kinda off-putting now and then (particularly in the lyrics specified above). This might not be quite as startling as some of the entries on this list but I reckon if a band as popular as Genesis were around the time of this album's release came out with a song boiling a culture down to base-level stereotypes, there'd be at least a bit of uproar on the Internet.


6. "Make Love Like A Man" - Def Leppard

"Make love like a man,
I'm a man, that's what I am, yeah".

How about you make like a dated view of gender norms and get out of here?!

Another song with painfully embarrassing lyrics yet somewhat decent Hard Rock music, making it all the more difficult for someone who wants to listen to this song. Joe Elliott himself has claimed that the song probably hasn't aged too well due to sexist claims of toxic masculinity (not in this exact words, mind) and the band haven't played it live for a while...and yet, it was still included on Def Leppard's brand new compilation album The Story So Far... The Best Of Def Leppard. Also included on this album is the song "Man Enough" off the band's most recent album, not to mention a complete omission of any songs from On Through The Night, the band's first and greatest album to date. Smooth moves, lads!


7. "Island Girl" - Elton John

"Well she's black as coal but she burn like a fire,
And she wrap herself around you like a well-worn tire".

Rock of the Westies? More like Rock of the XENOPHOBIC SEXISM!!!

We've got a combination of triggers right here. A bit of racial stereotyping with the intentionally poor grammar and references to skin colour in the lyrics, mixed with some crass remarks about how she'll "wrap herself around you like a well-worn tire". Once again, it's a shame because the music is quite catchy and the vocal melody in the chorus is great. If the lyrics weren't about an "Island Girl" but some other kind of woman, maybe this song would be a bit more popular.


8. "(You Can Still) Rock In America" - Night Ranger

"You can still rock in America,
Ah yeah, it's alright".

Is Toxic Patriotism a thing? Let's go with TOXIC PATRIOTISM!!!

I could've picked many songs for this same reason. Originally, it was going to be "Born In The USA" - Bruce Springsteen but I feel like Night Ranger's song captures the attitude in a much more ignorant, over-the-top way. In the 80s, the "America, Fuck Yeah!!" state of mind was not only acceptable but also rewarded. Compare this to nowadays where the country is going through transitional period from world superpower to global embarrassment and spouting nonsense about how fucking awesome America is and how great it is to be American is kind of looked down upon, at least by most civilised societies. By the way, this isn't me being specifically anti-America; I think anyone showing the levels of patriotism for their country to the extent that Night Ranger did here also warrants the same reaction.


9. "Dio" - Tenacious D

"It's time to pass the torch,
You're too old to rock, no more rockin' for you".

Yes, THIS is the Tenacious D lyric that I'm picking for possibly causing offence

Tenacious D have written songs about fucking and squeezing out a Cleveland steamer on someone's chest but to me, the song that hasn't aged well is the one about legendary vocalist Ronnie James Dio. Tenacious D may have written it as a tribute to the man but the lyrics about him passing the torch and being taken to a retirement home come across as a little insensitive when you realise that Dio's since passed away. I know it wasn't meant to sound insensitive but they must've considered that Dio wasn't going to live forever and writing a song about him being unable to play music anymore so that Tenacious D can take his place instead would have the unintended consequence of making them sound a little...well, dickish?


10. "In The Summertime" - Mungo Jerry

"Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see what you can find".

Advocating the consumption of alcohol whilst operating an automobile? Shame on Mungo Jerry!

The last entry on this list is quite special as it contains two separate lyrics with different reasons to potentially feel offended. First up, we have the ones mentioned above that gleefully advise drink driving for the sole purpose of finding a woman. Not a line that's aged well when you look at the way social attitudes towards drink driving has changed in the last 40 years but the second line is probably more concerning. Shortly after this lyric, we get: "If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, if her daddy's poor, just do what you feel". Combine this with the fact that we know alcohol is involved and WHAM! You've got yourself a piping hot serving of rape culture, right there! It's an easy lyric to miss when you're busy listening to the jovial melody and "CH! CH-CH!"s but trust me, it's in there and it's not a mindset that's taken lightly in 2018.


Have I missed any Rock/Metal songs with politically incorrect lyrics that need a spotlight shone on them? I've got a couple on the backburner for a sequel to this post but for now, there's your ten! There won't be a Spotify playlist for these songs as it doesn't really serve a purpose that showing and analysing the lyrics doesn't already fulfil.
COMING SOON: About six more posts before the end of the year!

Here Is The News: November 2018 Edition

Here's some news for you; I just counted the number of blog posts I'll have to write in December to make it to 52 for the entire year and I'm gonna have to frickin' go some to reach that!
Until then, here's one less blog post to worry about!

BRUCE DICKINSON: WHY I OPENED THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson has revealed his reasons for opening the Ark of the Covenant on stage at the band's latest concert in Germany. The band were halfway through a performance of "Revelations" when Bruce wheeled on the actual Ark of the Covenant and proceeded to open the lid, prompting the holy souls trapped inside to fill the auditorium and recreate the iconic climactic scene from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, only with concert goers replacing the roles of the Nazis. The outspoken vocalist defended his actions in a recent radio interview in between dates during the band's 2018/19 world tour.

When asked why he opened the Ark, Bruce (pictured left) responded "A lot of people have been spouting nonsense about what the holy Ark of the Covenant is capable of but nobody's actually had the sense to see for themselves. It's all well and good going "Yeah, don't open it" because of that scene in Raiders where all the faces melted but nobody talks about how easy it was to avoid the searing death that the Nazis suffered". Bruce was referring to how Indiana Jones and Marion avoided the same fate as the stormtroopers by averting their eyes when the spirits exited their supernatural prison, something Bruce was quick to do after removing the lid. "Iron Maiden are an experienced band and I know how to sing with my eyes closed. I mean, I was OK so I'm sure our fans were OK if they knew how to close their eyes"!

Bruce Dickinson (estimated net worth $125 million) has shocked fans in the past with his staunch defence of the UK Conservative party and his support of Brexit. His strong opinions have often landed him in hot water and this instance is no exception, as the families of the deceased concert goers have demanded some form of retribution for Bruce's actions. They feel that his actions were largely self-centred and done without the consideration of the hard-working fans who perhaps didn't have the social or economical means to watch the classic Indiana Jones film.

According to the band's management, the idea to bring the Ark of the Covenant on stage and actually open it during the guitar solo of "Revelations" was entirely Bruce's. When asked for further comment on whether the band supported Bruce's decision, guitarist Janick Gers (who was standing closest to the Ark when it was opened) stated "Garfarbfarabrabff", which we believe meant "It's a bit late now but we stand by Bruce and whatever he does on stage, no matter how poorly thought through it might seem".

Bruce has been advised not to wheel out the Ark of the Covenant again but he claimed that he still plans to use it during performances. "At the end of the day, regardless of how bad things might seem now, things will get better. Plastic surgery has come a long way in just the last five years and fans who literally got their faces melted off can have them reconstructed before coming back next year to have them melted off again, albeit figuratively instead!". When questioned about the fans who aren't as wealthy as him and can't afford the tens of thousands of pounds for crucial facial reconstruction surgery, Bruce replied that there are plenty of fine masks available.

AC/DC PLACED ON LIFE-SUPPORT

Australian Rock band AC/DC have been moved to a private wing in the Royal Melbourne Hospital and placed on life-support after losing another band member. The legendary Hard Rock group were in critical condition when they were brought to the hospital with some doctors claiming to be amazed that they've "lasted this long".

The band first showed signs of deteriorating health when they had to go in for treatment in 2014 to replace rhythm guitarist Malcolm Young. After a successful transplant, AC/DC were back in the studio ready to record a new album but after the disappointment that was Rock Or Bust, the band's physical well-being kept declining over the years. The band had to undergo emergency surgery to remove the drummer due to criminal charges pressed against him and less than two years later, AC/DC underwent a frontmanectomy to allow vocalist Brian Johnson a chance to recover from a hearing condition.

Whilst the band were quick to replace Brian Johnson with Axl Rose (pictured above), fans begun to question whether it was fair to allow the band to continue in such a poor state. One lifelong supporter of the band commented "It feels like they're only carrying on for the sake of it, not because they're getting any joy out of what they're doing and certainly not because people are desperate for them to keep going. It's like The Simpsons all over again".

After suffering critical bass player failure, resulting in the loss of Cliff Williams from the band's lineup, AC/DC were once again rushed to hospital to ensure they had enough functioning band members to make it through the tour. Things seemed to be going well until Axl Rose recently fell ill on stage at a Guns N' Roses concert, prompting AC/DC's management to ensure they were plugged into life-support.

It's impossible to say how long the band have left but if there's one thing you can admire them for, it's their determination to keep on fighting. Even when the quality of their music is dwindling and they're resorting to desperate choices for vocalist replacements, AC/DC are hanging on in there until they can rock no more...presumably a couple of days after Angus Young inevitably drops out.

HOT NEW BAND TAKES INTERNET BY STORM

A new, up-and-coming Rock band are rapidly gaining fans after sounding remarkably similar to iconic 70s group Styx. This new band, named River, have released two singles in just two weeks that contain incredibly similar structures, vocals and guitar playing to the songs "Come Sail Away" and "Renegade", two of the band's most popular singles.

River is made up of six band members: Johnny Spaw on vocals, Jim Elder on guitar, Charlie Ozzonap on bass, Rod Schuleman on drums, Larry Cummin keys and Mickey Phelps also on bass. Despite all appearing to be quite old in the music videos for their singles "Boat On The Highway" and "Mr. Mechano", each band member sports a long black moustache and thick black glasses from start to finish.

Fans of 70s music have taken to the YouTube comment sections and social media to remark in absolute amazement that River sound almost identical to Styx, posting such comments as "OMG these guys are the new Styx!!" and "I'd love to hear these guys cover Styx, they sound just like them!!" over and over and over again as if they're the only people on the face of the planet who have made the connection between two bands who sound similar. Even fans of more contemporary music who have only heard Styx through the occasional music snippet in TV shows have noted similarities, although almost 100% of them don't care.

When asked for comment on River's entrance onto the Rock scene, none of the members of Styx have been available. In fact, none of the members of Styx have even been seen in the last fortnight. Whilst there are theories all over the Internet describing where Styx could have gone, the theory with the most credibility seems to be the one stating that they're simply getting rehearsing and getting ready for their tour with Larry The Cable Guy. This is a thing that's happening. Styx are going on tour with Larry The Cable Guy. I'm actually not making this bit up.

River aren't the only band with remarkable similarities to a 70s Rock group getting next to no attention anymore who have surfaced recently. A few months ago, The Tumbling Rocks released their first album to an audience of indifferent hipsters and earlier this year, Purple Lloyd teased a new album and tour starting mid-December. The sudden resurgence of Classic Rock has proven that it doesn't matter if you create new, exciting material and develop your own style of music for a modern audience still hungry for Rock; as long as you can sound exactly like a band that isn't doing anything worthwhile anymore, you can bring some happiness to overweight fans who desperately want it to be 1973 again.

I'm not sure if I'll get all the blog posts done in time for January but I'll definitely get at least four up!

Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Hurrah, it's finally here! The Spyro the Dragon remake/remaster + that did a much better job of recapturing the pure joy of the original trilogy whilst improving on it for a 21st century audience than the N. Sane Trilogy did for Crash Bandicoot. I could talk about small but significant gameplay tweaks and how the handling feels spot on (for the most part) but that's not why you're here. You're here to hear my verdict on the game's soundtrack!

Originally composed by Stewart Copeland, the music for the first three Spyro The Dragon games was magical and, at times, a little abstract. Rather than focusing on catchy melodies and hooks in the same way that platforming video games of the time were adept at, Copeland instead built the music around a few distinct tunes reworked across several different areas and focused on a more ambient feel to suit the level's environment...although that's not to say he didn't also compose some bloody catchy melodies now and then.
Unlike my three-part look at the music from the N. Sane Trilogy, I intend to write a much longer blog post looking at the overall highs and lows of all three games. In other words, a review. I'm reviewing all three rerecorded soundtracks in one post whilst also making comparisons to the original where appropriate. My main reasoning for this is that unlike the N. Sane Trilogy where the game's soundtrack needed a more in-depth look to accommodate for the various changes made to certain tunes, Toys For Bob (the trilogy's developer) have tried to remain faithful to the original sound, even going as far as to re-enlist Stewart Copeland to help with the arrangements.
So with that in mind, let's take off!

Before this game came out, I went back to the original soundtracks for all three Spyro games and had a good listen to some of my favourite tracks to remind me about what I loved so much about Copeland's score. What impressed me most was how Copeland gave each game a distinct sound whilst still retaining the feel of a game series about a spunky purple dragon travelling across magical realms on heroic adventures, starting with 1998's Spyro The Dragon. The music sounded magical yet was recorded with primarily Rock instruments; heavy bass, various guitars, pounding percussion, organs galore. Sure, there were touches of brass and strings here & there, but the highlights were often tracks with a wide-eyed sense of wonder about them (Dark Passage, Magic Crafters Home) or a bit of a punch to them (Terrace Village, Haunted Towers).
One year later and Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage (or Gateway To Glimmer depending on your region) was released. More Spyro action with even more ambitious music, containing all the same tropes from the original game whilst taking on various styles from all over the world. Starting with Glimmer, you can tell that Stewart Copeland still had plenty of creative steam left but right after that, you get levels like Colossus and Hurricos; the former utilising some neat Gregorian chanting on top of the guitar melodies whilst the latter perfectly balances heavier, mechanical sound effects on top of a simplistic background score. Each piece of music perfectly suits the level, whether it's the Arabian flair in Scorch or the bustling, futuristic sound of Metropolis.
Finally, we have Spyro: Year Of The Dragon (my personal favourite game AND soundtrack). I don't know if it was the need to make Spyro seem edgier to the 00s generation of gamers but the music definitely took on more of an Industrial tone in this game. Some of the first levels you play contain music fit for Matrix-inspired parkour videos like Cloud Spires and Molten Crater, not to mention the sharply more aggressive boss battle themes. Even the more familiar tunes like Sunny Villa and Frozen Altars have an unmistakable edge to them but as mentioned earlier, the soundtrack is still that of a Spyro game. The organs and heavy bass are still there, although they had to share the spotlight with computer-generated sound effects.

I may not have adored the music from the original Spyro trilogy but I definitely enjoyed the majority of tracks from each level (although I strongly dislike Sgt. Byrd's theme) and there were certainly some pieces of music that I would listen to on repeat where possible (Harbour Speedway, Scorch and of course, the incredible Credits theme to name a few). Listening to those pieces of music in the Reignited Trilogy was a mostly enjoyable experience although there were a couple of times where I had to flip the sound settings to "Original" instead of "Reignited" simply because I felt like Toys For Bob had completely fucked up the rerecordings. This is where my doubt about whether I liked the new music came in.
Fans of the original source material are always going to have the nostalgia factor weighing down their judgement so even though I prefer 100% of the original versions of songs I loved from the Spyro trilogy, most of the music that I was happily comfortable with but never religiously fanatic about sounds just as good (if not a bit better) in the Reignited Trilogy. Instrumentation is largely identical to the point that I was genuinely unsure if I'd left the settings on "Original" or "Reignited" a lot of the time and listening to each track in HD on YouTube whilst writing this review really does the enhanced soundtrack a lot of favours, although they still made the same mistake Vicarious Visions made with the N. Sane Trilogy in not whacking the bass up to 11 or beyond.
Every other observation about the game's soundtrack could be considered a positive or negative depending on your personal music tastes, e.g. the fact that Toys For Bob developed the trilogy as one game so the graphics, gameplay engine and soundtrack all feel the same across all three remade titles. The subtle changes in the original trilogy's soundtrack seem obvious in comparison to the differences between the rerecordings but again, this is probably only going to affect the purists who avidly listened to the original music and would gladly fork over half their paycheck to have the original collection on vinyl if that were possible.

Overall, the Reignited Trilogy's soundtrack reflects the game; newcomers will love it for its incredible charm and creativity whilst those who grew up with the originals and played them all to 337% completion repeatedly will always choose the classics over the remakes, even though they'll still enjoy the remasters a hell of a lot. If I had to rate the entire trilogy's soundtrack, I'd probably give it a 8/10 for doing the originals justice although still making a few fumbles along the way...like the Fracture Hills rerecording. I mean, it's just...the fuck were they thinking?!

Simulation Theory - Muse

Well this is a first. I'm reviewing a straight-up Pop album!

If there's one thing Muse can do with their music, it's conjure feelings of nostalgia and thoughts about how good music used to be; thoughts like "Remember when Muse used to be a Rock band?" and "Remember when Matt Bellamy's ego was in check?". Simulation Theory is the tragic return to everything that sucks about Muse after the promising dead cat bounce that was Drones. Instead of great riffs on guitar/bass, we get synth-driven toss. Instead of dynamic anthems perfect for arena gigs and radio play for an audience of hungry young Rock fans, we get electronic drumbeats and noise made on some coffee-stained hipster shit's laptop.
Looking at the positives first, album opener "Algorithm" has some decent instrumentation and kicks things off in typical grand fashion for Muse. The electronic sound of the drums, bass and string accompaniments set the tone for the rest of the album too so if you like the song, you'll probably get some joy out of the record. However, for fans who can still remember when Muse wrote songs like "Hysteria", "Supermassive Black Hole" and "Knights Of Cydonia" that actually rocked, this harbinger of the band's switch back to electronic garbage teased in The Resistance and actualised in The 2nd Law won't fill you with any hope.
That's probably the biggest flaw with the album. You can argue that Muse not writing Rock songs is good or bad and that their reliance on 80s nostalgia (right down to the album cover that's more on-the-nose than an army of blackheads) helps or hinders the record but even if you choose the pessimistic route with both of those opinions, you must accept both of these things can work if the music is good and serves a decent purpose. The music and lyrics about hope and fighting back against arseholes in power are supposed to be inspiring for the millions unhappy with the current system but here's the kicker; they fuckin' ain't. A stadium Rock band releasing mainstream Pop is as inspirational as a series of flatlines in a coma ward.

The majority of tracks either resemble a dystopian Sci-Fi's cynical pastiche of what "future music" should sound like or the incidental score of a film/TV show desperate to remind people that 1980s synth music existed. However, there are some positive aspects. "Pressure" is the token fun song with catchy guitar riffs and vocal melodies, much like "Panic Station" on The 2nd Law (which was also the third track on that album too; totally not coordinated at all) and even some of the mediocre or annoying tracks contain elements that could've worked if used properly, like the gritty slide guitar riffs in the laughable Herbie Hancock nightmare "Propaganda".
Muse have acknowledged that this album was heavily inspired by music from the 80s so the Depeche Mode drumbeats ("Blockades") and John Carpenter synth ("The Void") are present without any attempt to mask them. It's admirable that Muse at least attempted to make the material sound unique to them instead of just flat-out copying another band's style but they would've been better off continuing in the direction they were headed with Drones or, at the very least, blending the 80s Pop aspects with heavier Rock ones. Instead, they end up sounding like Coldplay ("Thought Contagion") and Indie Pop bands found exclusively on the iPhone of an Instagram celebrity ("Something Human").
I rate the album 2/10. It doesn't inspire you to rise up against fascism (and if it does, where the fuck have you been for the last two years?!), it contains a collection of music that fails to stick with you unless you love electronic Pop, it sounds like Matt Bellamy regurgitating the same old lyrical shit he's been peddling for over a decade and it does 80s Pop music a disservice by dissecting it for the sole purpose of stapling the still-twitching parts to modern wank like a Frankenstein's monster you actually want to be burnt alive. Regardless of which way you shake it, Simulation Theory is a complete failure.

Post-Apocalypto - Tenacious D

What's this? I'm posting a blog post at the START of the month instead of three days before the end of it when I'm knackered and almost passing out, frantically trying to think of one more thing to include in a Here Is The News post before I go to bed? That's right, because people who leave things to the last minute always suffer as a result and speaking of leaving things too late...

From this album's announcement to its eventual release, I've been worried about Post-Apocalypto. The album cover is fucking awful, the track-listing looked like a worse version of the debut containing more minute-long snippets than actual fleshed out songs like Rize Of The Fenix and let's face it, concept albums are rarely ever a good thing. With each week, we were "treated" to an episode of Tenacious D's hit & miss web series containing skits and music included on the album but none of it filled me with anticipation. Today, the album was finally released and my God, it is absolutely terrible. It is a piece of shit and if you've never heard any Tenacious D before, you owe it to yourself to avoid this album like the fucking plague.
For starters, the album opener and (I guess) title track "POST-APOCALYPTO THEME" is a 37 second repurposed riff that was originally written for "Rize Of The Fenix" only to be scrapped in favour of a much better verse/chorus structure. That's how they're opening their fourth album; scraps off the cutting room floor that they couldn't even be bothered to turn into a full song. From here, it only gets worse. The concept album dealing with a nuclear holocaust caused by Trump is 50% dialogue excerpts and 50% songs both from the YouTube series, each track having an average length of about 90 seconds. The entire length of the album is just over half an hour, about two minutes longer than Reign In Blood - Slayer.
Tenacious D's last album came out in 2012, six years ago. This album took them six years to make, just let that sink in for a bit. Six years for a rehashed title track and half an hour of mildly amusing comedy taken from about 76 minutes of much funnier material in the YouTube series. You can't even claim that they needed extra time to animate the YouTube shorts because they're largely based around still images knocked up in Microsoft Paint. It's the equivalent of having the entire summer holiday to complete a school project only to realise that you've left it until the day before term time begins to do anything, forcing you to ask your parents to do it all with you...or in this case, Dave Grohl.

Despite each song being written by Jack Black and Kyle Gass, many tunes sound like terrible Foo Fighters filler tracks with their slower tempos and dull, uninspired riffs ("TAKE US INTO SPACE", "WOMAN TIME") and the ones that do sound more like Tenacious D songs are generally piss poor. The lyrical themes are trite without the humour to carry it off ("COLORS", "ROBOT") and the few tracks that contain promising riffs or have a couple of funny lyrics are either too short or not strong enough to redeem the rest of the album ("DADDY DING DONG", "MAKING LOVE"). However, even the better songs have fatal flaws in the grand scheme of things.
Concept albums with a narrative, like this one, should have exactly that; a narrative. If you haven't watched the YouTube series from start to finish, I think you'd genuinely struggle to understand a lot of what was happening. The overall plot is there but there are large gaps that have to be filled in by a knowledge of the YouTube series. When I discussed the previous three Tenacious D albums on the blog last year, I claimed that the music on The Pick Of Destiny doesn't carry enough of the film's story for you to understand everything that's happening but the main difference between The Pick Of Destiny and Post-Apocalypto is that The Pick Of Destiny is more of a soundtrack to the film; there aren't tracks on that album dedicated to the narrative, it's all just music. Here, the album is expected to tell a story but utterly fails.
Instead, we get a few previews of dialogue taken directly from the YouTube series that often aren't as funny due to jokes being edited down and context being completely absent, featuring multiple different characters all seemingly voiced by Jack Black. It might have been better if they could've got some other voice actors involved (Hell, even Kage would've done) but at least the scientist and Terminator voices were fun. I also approve of the band firmly stating their political policy, although all being anti-Trump does is confirm that you're not a complete cunt. Pointing out that the guy's going to get a lot of people killed with his stupidity isn't anything new or original, it's like dedicating an entire album to the idea that we're made up of bones.

If I had to describe Post-Apocalypto in a word, it'd be Lazy. They phoned in the music, they phoned in the story (notice how the ending to both the YouTube series and the album are fuckawful), they phoned in the artwork and they made us wait half a fucking decade for it. It's a bad album and a weak concept album that could've been improved if it contained a story about Tenacious D journeying across a post-apocalyptic wasteland with songs about everything that could potentially cause an extinction level event; a song about aliens, a song about global warming, a song about nukes, a song about war, a song about volcanic eruptions, a song about overpopulation tied into having lots of unprotected sex, I mean JESUS this shit should write itself!
I rate the album 3/10 and that's me being generous. The band still play properly and I didn't hate every second of it. The fact that a couple of lines made me smile now and then have earned it an extra point but honestly, this could still be one of the worst albums I've ever listened to. It may only be 30 minutes long but those 30 minutes could be spend watching an episode of a sitcom or reading a comic book or having a difficult fucking wank, anything other than listening to Post-Apocalypto. I also wouldn't recommend seeing Tenacious D live if it's going to be an acoustic gig, as you know they'll be playing the shite off this album on their next tour.
It might be entertaining with the whole band if they try to tell a story on stage (and the band definitely put on a hell of a performance when it's more than just Jables and Kage) but seriously, it pains me to say that The D screwed up. Oh well, we can always enjoy their fifth album in 2023 that will probably be a return to form in an attempt to win back favour with everyone who wanted this Comedy Rock band to release Comedy Rock.